Brass Balls

[Gunny376]

This thread really is relevant to anyone suffering long term, and in this forum, depression is a likely culprit.

I suffered a long term depression when I found out my marriage wasn't built on the foundation I thought it was. It lasted years, years of anger, resentment, and depression.

Could meds have helped me? Possibly...therapy could have helped a great deal.

I chose to suffer alone instead. Tough stubborn people don't seek help. Most of us know we are strong, yet--

I suffered years instead of what could have been months with counseling, and I think it's a very common thing to do--suffer it out--instead of shortening that time frame with help.

So this thread is appropriate in this forum whether people are in the military or not.

We all need to recognize when we're fighting a devil that has too big of a hold on us, and it happens to most people at least once in their lives--so it's relevant to everyone.

 

So glad to hear you have traded the wrong med--alcohol, for the right meds, Gunny.

 

You speak words of wisdom.

 

My psychologist and primary care giver couldn't overload me on the meds. They're in consultation with one another.

 

I'm a month out on the meds, see the psychologist next week,

 

I'm a month out of twenty years of complete and total BS!

 

Were you to know me? Envision me? Think Gunny Highway in the movie Heart Break Ridge, played by Clint Eastwood.

 

I was mad, angry, pissed off at the world and everyone in it!

 

And that's no way to be!

 

I would go days without sleep. Even weeks.

 

I would drink just to sleep ~ and that's nothing but BS!

 

The meds have helped a lot. One of them just for a thirty day prescription cost $140. Thank God I retired out of the Corps and have TicCare as it only cost me $3 out of pocket,

 

But as I sit and wait for my prescription to be filled? I hear of people paying $60 to $90 out of pocket! For pain medication, blood pressure medication.

 

 

Again I didn't start this thread about me!

 

 

I started it for those that are coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan on their third, fourth or fifth tours and for they're wives and family.

 

Don't be ashamed to seek help!

 

Me? I'm damaged goods, probally screwed for life ? Fifteen years out of the Corps and just now seeing a psychologist and getting on the meds

 

A little bit of us all died in that damned war!

[Gunny376]

OK! I see the pysholigist for the first time in month on the AD's and anxiety meds have helped a lot!

 

The anxiety meds have helped alot! I'm not living in the past! I'm not rolling and turning over things that went down twenty ~ thirty years ago. I'm not in anguish!

 

I'm mot waking up in hot sweats nor frezzing cold! The shakes are gone.

 

I'm not PO'd at the world and everyone in it!

 

Just want to say thanks to all of you here ar LS!

[sumdude]

OK! I see the pysholigist for the first time in month on the AD's and anxiety meds have helped a lot!

 

The anxiety meds have helped alot! I'm not living in the past! I'm not rolling and turning over things that went down twenty ~ thirty years ago. I'm not in anguish!

 

I'm mot waking up in hot sweats nor frezzing cold! The shakes are gone.

 

I'm not PO'd at the world and everyone in it!

 

Just want to say thanks to all of you here ar LS!

 

 

Keep on keepin' on Gunny! Glad you're feeling better. Once again you are adapting, improvising and overcoming. Though maybe not in a way you ever expected.

[Gunny376]

There's a lot o be said for just living a simple life!

 

Putting the past in the past and letting it lay! Just letting it lay! Just putting it to rest!

 

I'be done that now, and I'm more grounded in the present and the future.

 

Your words have been a source of comfort and wisdom.

 

I've tried to be there for you Bro, ~ and I KNOW you've been there for me!

[528sosba]

Gunny, good for you because of your courage to seek help im going to make anappointment tomorrow.

[Gunny376]

Good for you! Maybe I just lucked out but the guy I drew spelled it out for me. "You went through A, B, C, and that's why you ended up with X,Y, and Z!

 

The important thing is this is that I've laid the past in the past and I'm at peace with myself ~ at last.

 

"We were Marines (Soliders) Once, Young and Brave!"

 

There are places I can't go to now, things I cannot do. Words I cannot speak to others that have not "been there"

 

"I guess a litle bit of us all died in that dmaned war!"

 

Guess its time to get busy living or get busy dying

[trippi1432]

There's a lot o be said for just living a simple life!

 

Putting the past in the past and letting it lay! Just letting it lay! Just putting it to rest!

 

I'be done that now, and I'm more grounded in the present and the future.

 

Your words have been a source of comfort and wisdom.

 

I've tried to be there for you Bro, ~ and I KNOW you've been there for me!

 

Good for you Gunny!! :bunny:

[sumdude]

 

I've tried to be there for you Bro, ~ and I KNOW you've been there for me!

 

You've been there for so many people in your life, maybe everyone but yourself sometimes?

 

 

 

Guess its time to get busy living or get busy dying

 

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”

 

Joseph Campbell

 

 

Been reading some Joseph Campbell work. Some inspirational stuff about life, the power of myth through the ages and human existence. He's the one who coined the phrase "Follow your bliss." Might want to check it out. Some of it is very scholarly, The Hero of a Thousand Faces made me whip out the dictionary for a lot of the vocabulary.

 

More quotes here..really worth reading.

 

http://www.quotesdaddy.com/author/Joseph+Campbell/1

 

A good book to start on is probably this one.

 

Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion

Edited May 5, 2010 by sumdude

[Gunny376]

Thanks sumdude!

 

Its taken a lot for me to think that I'm not invaluable ~ invisible, without a heart nor a soul.

 

It took a lot for me to seek professional help, and to admit? I've got a problem, a weakness and that I need help in coping!

 

That I've got this drinking thing? To keep from thinking thing!

 

To forget, where I've been and what I've done!

 

I've got on the anxiety meds and the antidepressants. I no longer sleep sleepless nights in Beirut, Gernada, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, The Dommican Republic, Haiti

 

I know longer think of the children I have killed. 15, 16. 17 year old's with AK-47's! RPG's

 

Haunted night after night with such thoughts!

 

Sleepless nights! Tossing and turning nights!

 

Torturted nights!

 

May God forgive me for what I've done!

[You Go Girl]

Gunny, don't be the patsy, don't take the fall, for the decisions that armchair warrior politicians made.

You trusted them to make the right decisions, and followed your orders.

The real Gunny is the one we see now, with the big heart.

[Gunny376]

Thanks!

 

I cannot describe it, but I often feel like the Confederate solider that made Picketts Charge at Gettysburg.

 

Those not familiar with military history? It was walking into the Gates of Hell!

 

 

Before I got help (or lose my job) and got on the meds? I was like Rambo in "First Blood" mad at the World and everyone in it! I did and accomplished all of these things, past all of these tests, overcome all of these obstacles, went through all this training only to come back to civilian life to be a 'nothing"

 

Its hard going from being a hero to a zero. In the Corps? I was a Gunny, and those that have never served in the Corps dosen't know what that means.

 

Being a Gunny in the Marine Corps or a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy? Well there's just somethings you don't do? You don't spit into the wind, you don't grab a hold of Superman's cape and you don't mes around with Slim ~ nor Gunny's and Chief Petty Officers in the Navy.

 

I retired and twenty years of BS and crap came crashing down on me. I got to drinking ~ hard. Self medicating with alcohol. Ira Hayes comes to mind. Most American don't know of him? He was a Marine and a Yuma Indian. He helped raised the flag at Iwo Jima. He died drunk in a ditch.

 

George Jones was a Marine.

 

As were http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_notable_United_States_Marines

 

Gene Hackman

 

In fact more Marines are or were Marines in thw US Congress than any other branch of service!

[trippi1432]

20 + years of **** is a lot to go through....and you have more than your fair share....I only have half as much **** but just as many years.

 

Check your email!!!!

[Gunny376]

20 + years of **** is a lot to go through....and you have more than your fair share....I only have half as much **** but just as many years.

 

Check your email!!!!

 

At the time? I thought I handled things pretty well, but then I retired and it all came crashing down on me.

 

Cost me a wife and a family. Struggled to get through the last four of my twenty. Got deployed more the last four than the other sixteen. By then I was damned good at what I did, it was almost effortless. Got the attention of the higher ups, and whenever something would come up? I was gone. Got to the point where I just keep my packed ready to go. Grab it up and I was gone.

 

Now I'm the other side of it all. That's when the PTSD, depression, and anxiety hit. I had time on my hands ~ and a lot of it to think about my twenty in the Corps. I would lay sleepless at night for days on end, staring at the ceiling.

 

Tried over the counter sleep aids ~ none worked. Got to drinking, up to a fifth a day. Just to sleep ~ otherwise I would go a week or more without sleeping.

 

Melatonin worked for awhile, but soon that didn't even work.

 

I'm on the other side of it now. I've put and buried the past in the past. I've put the dead to rest, and no longer sitting up in the early morning hours digging up bones.

 

I've put my one and only marriage / divorce to rest. I was too young, too dumb, too stupid, too ignorant, and just plain old fashioned too in-experienced to pull it off. I didn't know what I was getting into, what marriage was about, what it took to make it work.

 

I've put all of that to rest. And I'm at peace with it now.

 

I'm retired out of the Corps, (Thank God I did it! Thank God Its Over). I've got an easy low-stress, no-stress job, with low-stress, no stress bosses and co-workers.

 

I almost got fired because of going into work half hung over from drinking. Who would have thought that writing down .0017 instead of a .001 would cost someone their job?

 

Fortunately, my boss is a retired National Guard Master Sergeant, and once I told him I would go and get help, it saved my job.

 

I'm on meds now for depression and anxiety, being closely monitored every two weeks by my psychologist and primary care provider.

 

I don't feel anxiety nor depression any more, and I don't get as PO'd as I once did. And when I say PO'd? We're talking seriously PO'd! I would go Gunny/DI PO'd!

 

I sleep better and more solid than I have in years. I don't worry about anything.

 

I had a couple of hits and misses at first, but my drinking is down to less than 1% ~ down to a beer or two, as opposed to a fifth of Canadian Whiskey each night!

 

I'm sleeping sounder, and deeper. Even listening to music again, which is a 'biggie" in that I haven't done so in over fifteen years.

 

The reason I'm posting this?

 

Is because I know a lot of you are going through some bad and hard times ~ difficult times. Don't do as I have done and put off getting professional help.

[tnttim]

 

There are places I can't go to now, things I cannot do. Words I cannot speak to others that have not "been there"

 

 

I think that's a part you are missing, we have all been there, we have all had those same exact feelings.

 

True, we may have not known what it feels like to watch woman and children get killed, or watch a a town burn to the ground.

 

But we have all gone through a tremendous tragedy in our lives. We have all had those feelings of loss, sorrow, unknowingness, hopelessness, fear.....

 

From what I read and I understand, no one's tragedy is worse than someone else's tragedy. To the person it's happening to, it's the worse thing they have ever went through.

 

The only difference between the two are how you deal with it, basically how well your brain adapts to the change. The old "it's not the problem, it's how you deal with it." cliche, but it's true.

 

Guns I'm glad you never stop looking inside, and seek to find that better you. We are all human beings, and we possess the ultimate power, the ability to adapt our thoughts, and ultimately our lives. It takes mother nature millions of years to evolve a species, but humans can do it by merely changing their thought patterns.

[Gunny376]

I had a break down last night

 

Sure it was combination of the meds and the alcohol.

 

I'm getting less dependent on the alcohol with the antidepressants and anxiety drugs.

 

 

I called the ER at the hospital and told them I was having suicidal thoughts (Survivor's Guilt) A by product of being on Ad's!

 

Bottom line? I was on the edge!

 

They sent the police out to check on me!

 

I told the police officers that I was retired Marine, seeing a psychologist .taking meds

 

That damn war killed a litte bit of all us!

[Gunny376]

to

 

 

 

 

 

ypi

I think that's a part you are missing, we have all been there, we have all had those same exact feelings.

 

True, we may have not known what it feels like to watch woman and children get killed, or watch a a town burn to the ground.

 

But we have all gone through a tremendous tragedy in our lives. We have all had those feelings of loss, sorrow, unknowingness, hopelessness, fear.....

 

From what I read and I understand, no one's tragedy is worse than someone else's tragedy. To the person it's happening to, it's the worse thing they have ever went through.

 

The only difference between the two are how you deal with it, basically how well your brain adapts to the change. The old "it's not the problem, it's how you deal with it." cliche, but it's true.

 

Guns I'm glad you never stop looking inside, and seek to find that better you. We are all human beings, and we possess the ultimate power, the ability to adapt our thoughts, and ultimately our lives. It takes mother nature millions of years to evolve a species, but humans can do it by merely changing their thought patterns.

[Gunny376]

I have no idea what happen here, obviously a little Candaian Whiskey and the meds.

 

Doing a lot better at work, the co-workers are more receptive, the boss sees a big difference in me and in my work performace.

 

I'm more complacent and easier to get along with, I get PO'd

 

Drinking less, things don't bother me as much, I'm easier to get along with. I'm less stressed and less of an @zzhole.

 

Drinking a lot less although still to much. I'm down to maybe less than 80% of what I was drinking.

 

I'm sleeping better, although I had a rough night last night. When I take both the anxiety drugs and antidepressants all I want to do is sleep.Thin I need less of a dose of the AD's.

 

The anxiety drugs seem to help me keep and stay calmer. I'm not as angry and PO'd at the world and everyone in it than I was before.

 

I have much better attitude and perspective than I did before. I smile and laugh more. I'm more sociable, and easier to get along with. I make less mistakes than I did before at work.

 

I'm less stressed than before.

 

I realize now that I was stressed and worried about things past! Long gone! But I was still reacting to them. Panama, Cuba, The Dominican Republic, Haiti, Nicaragua, Honduras,

 

The First Gulf War!

 

Quit worrying about the past!

 

The presence and future!

 

Worry about the here and now!

[Trimmer]

Gunny - I'm truly, deeply glad you're getting some progress and some relief. I'll be honest, though - I'm pretty worried about mixing the alcohol in with the rest of it all - does it seem like it kinda throws everything into a spin when that happens?

 

I know it's not just as easy as saying "don't do it", and maybe my perceptions are off, but it just seems like the alcohol is a destabilizing factor, right in this wonderful time when you're finding some peace and stability through the rest of your efforts.

 

I would just hate to see you sliding backwards, when you're doing so well taking steps forwards.

 

Respectfully -

[trippi1432]

I have no idea what happen here, obviously a little Candaian Whiskey and the meds.

 

Doing a lot better at work, the co-workers are more receptive, the boss sees a big difference in me and in my work performace.

 

I'm more complacent and easier to get along with, I get PO'd

 

Drinking less, things don't bother me as much, I'm easier to get along with. I'm less stressed and less of an @zzhole.

 

Drinking a lot less although still to much. I'm down to maybe less than 80% of what I was drinking.

 

I'm sleeping better, although I had a rough night last night. When I take both the anxiety drugs and antidepressants all I want to do is sleep.Thin I need less of a dose of the AD's.

 

The anxiety drugs seem to help me keep and stay calmer. I'm not as angry and PO'd at the world and everyone in it than I was before.

 

I have much better attitude and perspective than I did before. I smile and laugh more. I'm more sociable, and easier to get along with. I make less mistakes than I did before at work.

 

I'm less stressed than before.

 

I realize now that I was stressed and worried about things past! Long gone! But I was still reacting to them. Panama, Cuba, The Dominican Republic, Haiti, Nicaragua, Honduras,

 

The First Gulf War!

 

Quit worrying about the past!

 

The presence and future!

 

Worry about the here and now!

 

Hugs Gunny - getting really about you, please check your email.

[Gunny376]

Nothing in PM nor e-mail?

 

Its a one step forward and two step back, but the meds are helping in turning that around. I'm sleeping better and more solid, and having better dreams rather than restless ones. One night I toss and turn and the next I'm like a rock. At least I'm sleeping now. The edge is off, the anger is gone for the most part, I'm easier to get along with, I don't take every little thing as a "big thing" I'm calmer now, and feel I'm getting back to be a good 80 to 90% of me. The guy I was back before I went through ~ well the life I lived for the first time.

 

I work the second shift, three to eleven and I'm up at 0613 which is a good thing, about to put some coffee on, check out the news, the weather, and put some music on ~ "got to get up and get up and get the 'get down feeling ~ got to get it on.

 

Back in the day in the Corps I was up at four or five thirty. Never had problems sleeping. Up and out on the dusty road doing three to six miles regardless of what time it was.

 

Got to get back to that ~ albeit slowly as I'm not a young rutting buck of an 18 year old Marine fresh out of boot camp and its been awhile.

 

I keep telling myself that I gave my best and did the best that I could at the time and that's all anyone can do. Had I known better at the time? I could have and done better ~ but at the time I gave and did my best ~ gave my best.

 

I keep telling myself to quit beating myself up over the past ~ to quit worrying about the past, the present, the future. What was? Was! What is? Is, and what will be? Will be!

 

To quit worrying about things you haven't any control over, the choices that other people make, about things you haven't any control over!

 

In the end? All you can do each day is do the best you can do and be the best you can be ~ and that's all you can do.

 

I've done some things I wished I hadn't done ~ although at the time there weren't any other choices. I've said somethings I wished I could take back ~ but the deed is done. But all in all? At the time I gave it my best that I had to give at the time. I can honestly say I gave my best and did my best.

 

Time to let it all go, time to put it all behind me! Time to catch the bus to Mexico and get busy living or get busy dying. Time to be the best "me" that I can be, and to live life to its fullest and to its top. And by that I mean its time to quit trying to move up the food chain. Time to kick back and enjoy the rain, a thunderstorm, kick back and just enjoy life. Its time to be the crazy woman in "Hope Floats Eternal" or at least the woman that everyone thinks is crazy.

 

Time to live life for me and not everyone else. Time to work to live and not to live to work.

 

Time for me!

 

I answered the call of "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!"

 

And I say this not just for me?

 

I say this for each and everyone of you!

 

The time for you? Is here and now! The time for you is here and now! The time for you to catch the bus to Mexico (Shaw shank Redemption) and to live your life for yourself is here and now!

 

The time for living your life for yourself, (the message that was conveyed in "Fried Green Tomatoes" is here and now,

 

To live life to its fullest and to its top! Live life to its top!

 

Many a good service man and woman have laid down their lives so that you can do so!

 

Yea I know I'm crazy?

 

But its keep me from going insane!

Edited May 20, 2010 by Gunny376

[trippi1432]

Nothing in PM nor e-mail?

 

Sent in email...sorry, will try again.

 

Time to let it all go, time to put it all behind me! Time to catch the bus to Mexico and get busy living or get busy dying. Time to be the best "me" that I can be, and to live life to its fullest and to its top. And by that I mean its time to quit trying to move up the food chain. Time to kick back and enjoy the rain, a thunderstorm, kick back and just enjoy life. Its time to be the crazy woman in "Hope Floats Eternal" or at least the woman that everyone thinks is crazy.

 

Time to live life for me and not everyone else. Time to work to live and not to live to work.

 

Time for me!

 

I answered the call of "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!"

 

And I say this not just for me?

 

I say this for each and everyone of you!

 

The time for you? Is here and now! The time for you is here and now! The time for you to catch the bus to Mexico (Shaw shank Redemption) and to live your life for yourself is here and now!

 

The time for living your life for yourself, (the message that was conveyed in "Fried Green Tomatoes" is here and now,

 

Love this movie - one of my favorites.

 

To live life to its fullest and to its top! Live life to its top!

 

Many a good service man and woman have laid down their lives so that you can do so!

 

Yea I know I'm crazy?

 

But its keep me from going insane!

 

One of the things that I know is true in this world is that I can count on me as I can only be mad at myself if I let me down. Counting on other people...that's a hard one, if they are lucky, they can share in your life. In the military, you have to count on other people, but once you get out in civilian world...it's different.

 

One of the things that I am learning, if they never understood you or took the time to (ex-husbands), then they are where they need to be....in the past. Now that I have a better understanding of me, and the challenges I face (based on stats for remarriages and add to that stats for marriages ending in divorce for bipolar people).....happiness is pretty bleak these days. I know now the better thing for me is to find happiness in myself and something else, not in someone else (just not fair to them).

[Gunny376]

One of the things that I know is true in this world is that I can count on me as I can only be mad at myself if I let me down. Counting on other people...that's a hard one, if they are lucky, they can share in your life. In the military, you have to count on other people, but once you get out in civilian world...it's different.

 

One of the things that I am learning, if they never understood you or took the time to (ex-husbands), then they are where they need to be....in the past. Now that I have a better understanding of me, and the challenges I face (based on stats for remarriages and add to that stats for marriages ending in divorce for bipolar people).....happiness is pretty bleak these days. I know now the better thing for me is to find happiness in myself and something else, not in someone else (just not fair to them).

 

Stand and say that again! Don't hold back! Stand a testify to the truth!

[trippi1432]

Stand and say that again! Don't hold back! Stand a testify to the truth!

 

Dang Gunny!! I've been saying it for almost 9 months, but got talked out of it being the right mentality...was told it was fatalistic, selfish and materialistic...but I control me, my happiness, my life...who I want to be, where I want to go and who I want to share my life with if they are even deserving of sharing it with me (I'm pretty f'ing picky now...lol). And based on the things I have learned about me on this journey, there are not many men that have the brass balls to stand up to that unfortunately. :o

 

You are right...men trade down....women should trade up...some of us should just be happy being us and quit letting people talk us out of who we are. We are born with our personalities...ingrained at birth and cannot be altered. For every Ying, there is a Yang out there somewhere that fits that personality...some people find it, some people search all their lives and never find it....some just need to be content to be alone.

[Gunny376]

I don't admit this often but I've not being in an "official" relationship in over twelve years.

 

Oh, I've been on dates, had "FWB". Have been involved with women for prolonged periods of time ~ just didn't have a relationship with in the traditional relationship sense. Too busy with their careers, their children, taking care of parents, etc.

 

But ultimately? Happiness and self contentment come from within. If you can't find that within yourself? Your not going to find it with someone else.

 

Retiring from the Corps and getting back out here in civilian la~la land through me for a curve. Going from being in the Corps back out here in civilian la~la land? All the pent up anxiety, depression, and PTSD was nothing more than a world of hurt coming down on me.

 

I self medicated forever with drinking, until it just came down to I had to go and get professional help. Either or lose my job.

 

So, I'm seeing a psychologist, an MD, on anxiety and antidepressant meds, which help a lot. I was drinking primarily so I could just sleep, otherwise I would go days without sleep.

 

I'm not ashamed to say so, because I know how many Iraqi and Afghanistan Vets are coming back home to depression, PTSD, WAS, divorce, broken families.

 

So I'm a voice for them ~ my brothers and sisters, (Its even harder on women vets finding jobs Hell its harder for women to find a decent job period. Most are doing good if they can find one that pays $10 an hour)

 

Getting out and can't find jobs, (the unemployment rate for Iraqi and Afghanistan Vets is somewhere around 26% ~ Think "Born In The USA!"

 

The ones that can find jobs are working jobs barely above minimum wage.

 

College? Unless you can find a job in nursing or teaching (and even now that's questionable as they're being laid off) your pretty much screwed. I've heard of MBA's with years of experience on Wall Street driving cabs in NYNY!

 

All of this to say? Live your life for yourself, and your own happiness. Live the simple life. If you've got a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a job? Your way ahead of the game!

 

Don't depend upon someone else for your happiness and contentment in life ~ not even your children. Live your life for yourself. The person responsible for your happiness and contentment in life?

 

That would be you! Not someone else.

[trippi1432]

I don't admit this often but I've not being in an "official" relationship in over twelve years.

All of this to say? Live your life for yourself, and your own happiness. Live the simple life. If you've got a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a job? Your way ahead of the game!

 

Don't depend upon someone else for your happiness and contentment in life ~ not even your children. Live your life for yourself. The person responsible for your happiness and contentment in life?

 

That would be you! Not someone else.

 

Gunny, you have never been more right. I have everything I ever needed or wanted right now in my life, back to square one, a little wiser now and knowing that I only need me to be happy with. That is the hole I am pulling myself out of. Sharing that life with someone else....not as important as it used to be...doesn't mean I can't have a whole heck of a lot of fun though.....Italy and Europe (have to keep my promise to NobMagnet to see her new home) next year!! Time to travel....on the bus to Mexico!! :p:p:p

 

Life is what we make it...it's an adventure....and yes, I would jump out of a perfectly good airplane just to say I tried it.