Torn in a moment of confusion

[steffany]

I am truely stummped. Who knew life could be so sticky?

 

Let me start with key A to my delima.

 

I have a boyfriend I have been with for about 2.5 years. We have shared so much together and have had a suprisingly smooth ride. He isn't rich and even got into some trouble and was in jail for a spell. The whole time I had his back, I stook by his side. Nothing could sway either of us from one another. When I met him I knew there would be troubled waters a head with my family. But I liked him and didn't even know if it would make it that far. And if it did I was totally up for it.

 

See he is 14 years older than me and a different race. Well lately I have been hurting inside because I guess I am not up to the challange after all. I love my family and respect their feelings. They are not racist but they have stated they feel interacial relationships would be harder than needed when relationships are already tough to began with.

 

And they are totally going to be against the age thing. I can promise that.

 

Anyhow I keep telling my bf I would really like it if he got a respectable job so I could bring him home to my parents. But he says he is looking but never finds one. It is really starting to eat me up. Then a while back a friend of his text him about how fine he is and to call her when he is a free man. She said so much in this text about wanting to F**k him even though she knows he's with me.

 

She has since then appologiozed many times claiming she was just really drunk. Then one night another friend we know put my bf hands on her breasts and he did not do much to stop all of this. In fact he did a lil feeling until I let them know I was present.

 

By the way I used the word friends loosly with both friends. Ok so both of them have appologized and my bf has cut of communication with both. But I have had somewhat of a trust issue since.

 

Now here is key b.

 

I have a friend my age who I have always felt attraction to. And he has felt the same for me. Lately our flirtations have gone very far. We have even gone out together and met up with each other on my girls nights out to dance and make out.

 

I don't really plan on anything seriouse happening there....although it would be nice.

 

The thing is this guy was talking with my best friend and said he thinks i am a very confused girl. He said this because he says if i knew i couldn't take this guy home to my parents happily why did i ever start dating him and why for so long. This statement has hurt my feelings. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because it is true and I should have seen it a long time ago. Or maybe it's because that statement makes me wonder if that means there will never be anything further than flirting between us.

 

I'm in a moment of confusion now.

 

what do ya'll think I should do? Why did this guys comment hurt me so much?

 

I think I should break it off with my bf and start doing some soul searching and forget about this great guy I just met.

 

But that is the hardest path to take it feels like.

[yes]

i think that while relationship with your family is important, it's not worth losing a bf that you love (you do, right?) just because they won't approve of him. they're not the ones who're gonna live with him, have kids with him, etc - YOU will.

 

it sounds to me like the confusion is based on the fear of disapproval by your family. think twice about this. If it bothers YOU that he black, older, doesn't have too good a job - fine; but i wouldn't base my decisions on what parents may or may not like. Btw, do they not know you've had a bf for 2.5 yrs?!

 

my 2c,

-yes

[steffany]

They know he is my friend. I tell my mom things about our dates and ect. but she has never asked who he is. I suspect she thinks the dates are not with the same guy. I also don't tell my parents the whole truth. I usually tell them i am not with anyone because I want him to have a good job when he meets them. Security is very important to me and my family. Not rich...but enough that if something happened we would be ok financially.

 

I guess i'm stummped because I wonder if i know that something may make me happy but then make others around me that i care for not happy which will inturn make me not happy is it worth it all?

 

confusing myself with that one.

 

I mean we don't get only one love in our lives do we? Love would come back to me again right?

Why can't life be simpler?

 

I'm think I may try to work this out with him still...but if he cannot seem to find employment soon I don't think I can keep standing by his side. Maybe I'm too supportive and that's why he hasn't made any career moves. Maybe I need to give him a kick in the butt like a coach or something.

[moimeme]

I mean we don't get only one love in our lives do we? Love would come back to me again right?

 

Not necessarily the same way. Some people are irreplaceable.

 

Are you sure it's not that your frustration with his aimlessness is harder to admit than it would be to lay the responsibility for deciding to ditch him on your parents or 'others'? However if your parents' wishes are more important to you than your bf's, maybe you don't love him that much?

[meanon]

It seems like there are 3 things going on here.

 

Firstly the parents - only you know how much of a rift there will be and whether you are prepared to contemplate a break with them. I know of many cases where the opposition was more substantial than you seem to indicate and the parents have accepted it in the end. You also need to be wary of setting a precedent that they are in control of your life, not you. You need to find your own values to live your life by in order to be confident and happy. You seem frightened of your family's condemnation or of conflict. You respect their views but that doesn't mean you have to do what they say. Do they respect your views? A life lived in fear is a life half lived. A rift with the parents may be distressing but is not usually on the same scale as the anguish caused by loss of a loved one (unless strong cultural/religious factors come into play). So I would say go for it if you really love him ----- I'm not sure whether you do though.

 

You say security is important to you yet he has not been in work while you have been with him. I do not get any sense of whether you believe he is actually looking for work or is paying lip service because he knows you want him to. Do you work? Do you support him financially? If you do not share the same values in this area and feel he isn't serious about pulling his weight this could become a problem.

 

Finally there is the issue of his attitude to other women which you seem to have doubts about (with some justification).

 

All in all I get the sense that this relationship has run its course, you had some good times but are now ready to move into a more settled, serious relationship and he is not what you are looking for in a life long partner (maybe you have never really thought about what you want?). I sense you are beginning to doubt your love for this man and this is why you are wondering if it is worth the conflict. If you really loved him you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

 

If you are re-evaluating your life and what you want out of it I agree it is best to do this on your own. It may seem hard but it is easier in the long run. Things could get messy if you start another relationship without knowing what you really want and you have a responsibility to avoid hurting others in your confusion. Also it is one of life's best lessons to learn that we all have the capacity to make ourselves happy. This will give you the assurance and self confidence to strengthen your relationships with others and be considerate but not submissive to your parents.

 

If you leave him you will have other loves- each is unique.

[steffany]

Thank you for your very enlightening comments.

 

I think it is time for me to make some important decisions in my life.

 

Sometimes taking a leap into the unknown is hard.

 

I wonder will I ever find someone who will love me like this again?

 

This is the greatest love I have shared so far in my life...will I ever love some one this much again?

 

Is it really my parents I am scared of disappointing or is it me being scared of failing at this love?

 

Once I announce it and if it goes wrong what will the effects be on him and me and my family?

 

I think I need to reevaluate quite a few things.

 

Don't you wish life came with an instruction book?