Feeling lost about situation.

[Wildflower1989]

Hi,

Im 20 years old and i've been going with this guy for the past year and ten months. He has been my first serious boyfriend and I feel I have a great connection with him. I didn't really get to witness his actually personality and characteristics until we had been dating for over 8 months. It's only now that Imo being to understand the man behind the mask.

Ill start from the beginning, when we met he had ended a 6 year relationship 6 months previously. He had been battling with that decision and depression. The day after we met was the day he had planned to commit suicide. Here I was a naive little girl just wanting someone to share my life with and I ended up with the most messed up boyfriend. In the first couple of weeks all we wanted to do was to share every moment with each other and get to know each other. He told me that in a couple of weeks he would be going to Melbourne to go to a chocolate festival and that he would be visiting his ex girlfriend (the one he had broken off with 6 months before). they had lived together most of their relationship and had two cats which he considered children. i had a conversation with him on the phone when he was in Melbourne, i said "I'm not worried" and his reply was "Well maybe you should be". This line tormented me the whole weekend he was away. What I knew then and what I know now was they met up from dinner, she was pleading him to get back with her. He told her that he had met someone and that he really liked me. He said that he couldn't even comfort her or touch her but they proceeded to get very drunk and she ended going back to his hotel room. I just found this information out two days ago. He said that he did stop half way through F**king her and said" no this feels wrong" but he didn't stop. When he got back he found it very hard to confront me at all. He talked to his psychiatrist about the situation, because of his depression his psychiatrist helped him accept what had happened and he felt ok with what he had done. I think this is were his total mind set was shifted, now he had an excuse from someone of 'I only live once I might as well fulfil my desires' (this is what he said to me).

Six months has past, I started to get a bit of an insight to who he was, he had cheated on his past girlfriends and he was still finding it hard to accept the decision of breaking it off with his ex. He was writing letters to his ex which I found, confessing how much he loved her still. I nearly broke up with him then but he told me he didn't miss the person it was the situation that they had. A few months later he came to me confessing that he had nearly slept with the same girl he had cheated on with his last girlfriend. I decided that we needed a break and we did the friends with benefits thing. I had said to him if he slept with any one I didn't want to know, which was just an invitation for him so he went back to that same girl and slept with her. A month later we got back together and after me pleading. He said to me he didn't think it was a good idea but he didn't any way just to make me happy. Three months later I found a diary entry confessing his love for another woman. A girl he worked with, it indicated that he had never told her his feels and that he was confused what to do. I didn't tell him I knew I just tried for weeks for him to admit, which he did. After that we promised each other that we would be completely open and honest with each other. Back to the present, it has been a year since we made that promised to each other and he has kept it. i feel that he may have been in contact with other woman over this time but until this point he hasn't considered that being unfaithful which i do. only because his very flirtatious nature and the fact that he likes to feel wanted and not just by one woman. i think this reflects his teenage years when he couldn't get any one even though he would fall in love so easily with the opposite sex. he figured out the way he could talk to woman would make them more likely to throw them selves at him. Now we're at the point where our relationship will either end or continue based on his decision. I can't forgive his actions but I can accept them. The time with his ex to me feels like closure to the relationship maybe not for him at the time but defiantly for her. They haven't been in contact since then and he never intended to send the letter. The reason that the decision is up to him now is because i can move on and accept the things from the past. we have been so much in love and really connected for the past year that i feel like it would be a shame to finish now. the questions that he cant answer are " Do you want to be in a relationship" and "Can you be faithful" he said he couldn't promise me any thing. we're continuing until he makes up his mind. He seemed to change his opinion when I said to him that I wouldn't want to see him every again if we did break up, maybe he thought we would stay as friends with benefits. I should also mention that he constantly talks about having a family with me and growing old together. He tells me i'm the love of his life but he does say that he needs time until he can be in a committed relationship. What should I do?

[boogieboy]

I cant tell, you either have to rewrite that and break up that big block of text, or let go someone who cheats on you.

[cooldudeinberlin]

you are too young and life is too short to remain in mess such as this... there are issues all over this and its only going to get worse... and you are enabling and helping it along. Best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and what is best for you. He is taking advantage of your good nature, perhaps that you are inexperienced and enraptured by the love bug, but never the less, he's wishy washy, even about his dishonesty. considering the emotional problems and the way he is dealing with it, its going to be a lot tougher... things wont be right with him until he stops validating his life through other's acceptance (in this case women)... his issues have to be delt with and anyone that gets involved along with him are going to be right in the middle of it.

 

Hey, I feel sorry for the dude, but he has to seek another solution for his deeper issues and perhaps a therapist that isnt just feeding the meter clock who isnt apparently really helping him get to the bottom of the deeper issues and emotional scares.

 

Are you prepared for more secrets to come out? Are you prepared to go from day to day wondering? Are you prepared to live life half in half out? Are you prepard to get into some sort of codependency situation?

 

think "what's best for me, my future, my happiness"... even if that means a bit of pain and disappointment now... trust me, doing what you know is best for you helps ease the pain and disappointment!