Trouble dealing with girlfriends sexual past

[JohnDoe6]

I am sure this is not new but here goes. I have been with my girlfriend for 12months and we live together. She is 43 and I am 46 by the time she was 19 she had slept with 25 men (nearly all onenight stands) She was then married for 16 years and in the last 6 of that she slept with 3 women and pashed about 8 men. Just before she left her husband she fooled around with one of his work collegues at the casino and was getting fingered under a coat. She said she was that over her husband that she didn't care. In the 6 months before her second marriage she had 3 one night encounters, one of with involved 2 18 year olds that her and her girlfriend picked up at a night club (she was 36 then). She then slept with her second husband on the first date. This marriage was a disaster and the night before her wedding she slept with a women when she was pisssed. She confessed to him and it lasted one year. Mind you he was an alcoholic and gambler. After she split up from him she slept with him 4 times in the following couple of months and then got onto internet dating. She wason this for15months and slpt with 14 different men (most all on the first night). Some were dates and 3 or 4 others were just for sex. She says it was for validation and looking for love. She saidnotlong before she me she made a life changing decision not to lower herself l ke that anymore. Her sexual activities have included 3 somes, 4 somes, women, phone sex and booty calls. I should add that she was an alcoholic until 8 months beforeshe met me and she has been dry for nearly 18 months now. She says she has now turned her life around and is ashamed of her past and loves me like no other. Is this past too much to expect her to change or willshe go back to her old ways. I really hate the thoughts it gives me. Would be happy for some opinions.

[Bryanp]

I think it would be very difficult to deal with this. It is clear that she had no respect for herself and her relationship partners. I guess my biggest concern would be the concern that she is carrying some dormant sexually transmitted disease. She has put herself at enormous health risk and consequently she has put you at enormous health risk as well. It is possible that people change but it certainly is hard to feel special and proud of your partner dealing with her track record.

[Fouts]

Why on earth would you know all of this crap?

[cooldudeinberlin]

addiction, whether the promiscuity, alcohol, chain smoking, under or over eating, obsessive fitness, mostly likely a guaranteed a history of drug abuse in there somewhere; ARENT the problems or issues... they are the result... hmmm... if you dig deeper you may find out what the underlying problem is.

 

Sure, some women just really like sex... but this behavior isnt about enjoying sex at all, mixed with drug and alcohol abuse might be something that is really not that uncommon and the behavior pattern and history certainly sound familiar in women that were sexually abused as a minor - usually by a family member (by marriage or blood related). Due to the lack parental nurturing and intimacy shown through this love, sex is used as a make up for that intimacy, never being achieved, but mistakenly the only validation of being appreciated and love they can get....

[boogieboy]

Its very convieient that she decided to change before she met you. I wouldnt buy it, but Im a cynic.

 

Youre with her 12 months, you mean to tell me you cant tell if she told you the truth or not about changing? Actions, its all about her actions.

[make me believe]

Oh gosh. WHY, WHY, WHY do you even know all of this stuff?! The vast majority of those details should have remained in the past. However, I would be concerned about the cheating on both of her husbands, and STDs. Has she been tested for STDs? You need to make sure that she has and that the tests are current & up to date.

 

The fact that she cheated on her second husband the night before their wedding because she "was pissed" is a huuuuuge red flag. I mean, that is just really low. Does she seem remorseful for this, or does she think it was justified since she was mad at him? Why does the fact that she was "over" her first husband make it ok that she cheated on him as well?? She was still married to him, and cheating is cheating no matter how much you try to pretty it up.

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks for your opinions everyone. She does show remorse for her cheating and tells me she is a totally different person now after giving up alcohol and wants to change her life and become a better person. She seems to be doing this but can old habits be changed that quickly. Does she deserved to be trusted and allow her to be happy. I know everyone makes mistakes and deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt but that is one hell of a past and it is a sexual pattern that she has maintained throughout her whole life. I wonder if I didnt know any of this would it have made any difference. Damned if you do damned if you don,t sometimes but now I do know and need to work out how to deal with it and if I can accept her as genuine. Life doesn't necessarily get easier as you get older and I do love this woman very much.

[make me believe]

John, this is a hard situation because, like you said, it's a pattern that went on for her entire life. But I want to say that it IS possible for somebody to change, and to do it quickly. It sounds like her alcoholism probably had a lot to do with her activities in the past, and you said she has been sober for 18 months now. That & the fact that she is remorseful for the cheating are good signs, I think. Since you have been with this woman for a year and she hasn't shown any signs of her past behavior, I think it is fine for you to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks make me believe

[CLC2008]

Yes, people can change. But, in this case, this is an exorbitant amount of history - both in time frame and behavior that is very very extreme.

 

Cheating

Alcoholism

Casual Sex

Bi-Sexuality

 

I don't think this is something anyone here can provide proper advice for.

[northstar1]

addiction, whether the promiscuity, alcohol, chain smoking, under or over eating, obsessive fitness, mostly likely a guaranteed a history of drug abuse in there somewhere; ARENT the problems or issues... they are the result... hmmm... if you dig deeper you may find out what the underlying problem is.

 

Sure, some women just really like sex... but this behavior isnt about enjoying sex at all, mixed with drug and alcohol abuse might be something that is really not that uncommon and the behavior pattern and history certainly sound familiar in women that were sexually abused as a minor - usually by a family member (by marriage or blood related). Due to the lack parental nurturing and intimacy shown through this love, sex is used as a make up for that intimacy, never being achieved, but mistakenly the only validation of being appreciated and love they can get....

 

This is spot on. All of these signs you have listed OP are signs of somone with an addictive personality, likely, as cooldude said, some issues that happened in her younger years.

 

Has she had any counselling?

[Woggle]

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen. She is a serial cheater plus a substance abuser. AShe pretty much is incapable of having any type of healthy relationship. Sure it might lay dormant for a while but her true nature while eventually surface and it won't be pretty when it does.

[JohnDoe6]

Yes she has had counselling and is really ashamedof the past and trying to deal with it. With her AA meetings they work on how to change past behaviours in live a proper life without alcohol. She seems to be taking positive stepsand seems genuine. How much faith should you show in a persons ability to change. Everything else about her is great that is what makes it so hard.

[D-Lish]

Why on earth would you know all of this crap?

 

That's what I was wondering. How could you know all of this in such detail. I can't imagine anyone ever disclosing this information and expecting a healthy relationship with the person they tell.

[JohnDoe6]

Thank you all for your views and opinions. I think I respect this woman even more now and the fact she is facing up to her demons and wanting a better life. I guess it is never to late. you may wonder why I need to know allof this stuff but sometimes it is best to know about a person that you intend to spend your life with. she has been very honest and open with me and I guess i should see the positive side and she was touched up by her older sister when she was younger and was made to feel worthless. Her dad was an alcohol and died when she was seven and her mother didn't guide her at all. She had to fend for herself and clearly made some poor decisions but lookslike she now realises the effect of grog and meningless sexual encounters. She didn't really know any other way I don,t think. She certainly doesn't brag about her past and wants to leave it behind. Sometimes it helps to seek views from strangers and get some clarity. Thanks

[jnj express]

IMHO---no matter what you are always gonna be looking over your shoulder----If something out of the ordinary comes up---you know that because of her past---you are gonna distrust her.

 

There are millions of women out there that don't have baggage like this-----

 

If you really wanna be with this woman--live with her, BUT DO NOT EVER MARRY HER

[Dexter Morgan]

Although her sexual past is quite alarming, I wouldn't find it reason to be troubled as the fact that she is a cheater and runaround.

 

She cheated on her last husband, you don't think she would do the same to you? Seems she likes sex with too many different men.

 

I'd leave her in the dust unless you really want to be catching her ankles up with another guy.

[MorningCoffee]

Past behavior, generally, is the best predictor of future behavior. OTOH, if she is now clean and sober, and has a track record of solid sobriety for a significant period of time, then nothing is impossible, and she might be able to control her other impulsive behavior, too. But I would be very, very wary.

[dazzle22]

Wow, I am surprised you have not got the standard "the past is the past, it's none of your business' song and dance that I always get when I struggle with my husband's extensive playboy past.

 

As someone married to someone with a very extensive past, (albeit not quite as much as your GF) I think these are the things that come up:

 

-I totally agree about your wanting to know all the stuff. I am that way too. If it happened, I want the truth. I never want to be blindsided or naive or 'protected' from any ugly truth. Tell me the truth and let me decide what to do with it.

 

-you need to think about all you know now, and really project into the future and ask yourself whether you can live with this stuff. Because it will 'intrude' on your thinking at the most inconvenient of times.

 

- Also, if you continue the relationship, it is my opinion that people bring into a committed relationship ghosts of everything from the past. It all can follow you, and come back to haunt you in unimagined ways. Life is funny like that. For example, you might meet some of these guys somewhere..or find yourself in a similar circle of friends, etc....how would you handle that?

 

-know that it is also difficult if the two partners have very different 'numbers'. Because that indicates a difference in a value system, that yes can change, but nonetheless, is present.

 

-that being said, I adore my husband and don't regret marrying him and would do it all over again. These are just things you should think about.

[QkO123]

OK, being an addict in recovery myself, I think I can offer some perspective on your issue. I'm not going to ramble on about how addiction sucks, how you are powerless, blah, blah, I'm going to give you what I think are the two important factors in making a decision:

 

1.) Recovering addicts are people, much like anyone else. We have made mistakes and we know it; our pasts usually aren't pretty and we aren't very proud of them. That said, once in recovery we gain the strength to look our our mistakes head on, accept them, and take positive action to correct as many of them as we can. This makes recovering in addicts, in my opinion, extremely well adjusted individuals. If you look past her history, I'm sure you will not find a better prospect.

 

2.) Recovery can end. Addiction can begin again, and her addictive pattern may resume as if nothing happened. This is the cold hard truth about addiction and the risk you are taking in dating this person. The choice is yours.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Ruben

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks Ruben good to hear from someone who has been there and understands that you are a different person in these circumstances. She has never lived a normal life and now understands how life should have been conducted. She is learning to start again and has totally changed her views on all things including sex, selfishness and what is important in life. I think I need to except her at her word and realise what I have got, not what was. She fully understands the adictive nature or substance abuse and attends regular meetings to ensure itnever happens again. She realises she will lose everything if she regresses back to where she was and is very mindful of this. Her sex was looking for love in all the wrong places and really notknowing how to date properley. She thought it was an expectation of her but soon relised herself that she didnt really like them anyway but was looking for validation and to feel wanted. I sometimes wonder if I didnt know all this I would probably love the woman as I see her. However I am wired to believe that you put all things on the table to make informed decisions. Being a single mother at home alone doesn't help either, together with self esteem issues and in the early stages of alcohol recovery. Believe it or not she have guilt and did actually tell her ex's what happened. She wasn't treated very well by them but did allow this to happen to herself and wasn't being true to herself. I also appreciate all other comments, even the ones I don't like to think about. I suppose life is all about taking chances and you never know what is around the corner with any person you are with and I guess I am lucky to have someone who has been completely honest with me.

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks dazzle for your comments, you make good sense and are realistic in your views. We all have pasts I guess. My numbers are pretty high too but not as hers. She knows all of this and seems to be more accepting than I have been. Maybe I need to look at that side of things and stop being a hypocrite and love the person forwho she is now.

[SarahRose]

addiction, whether the promiscuity, alcohol, chain smoking, under or over eating, obsessive fitness, mostly likely a guaranteed a history of drug abuse in there somewhere; ARENT the problems or issues... they are the result... hmmm... if you dig deeper you may find out what the underlying problem is.

 

Sure, some women just really like sex... but this behavior isnt about enjoying sex at all, mixed with drug and alcohol abuse might be something that is really not that uncommon and the behavior pattern and history certainly sound familiar in women that were sexually abused as a minor - usually by a family member (by marriage or blood related). Due to the lack parental nurturing and intimacy shown through this love, sex is used as a make up for that intimacy, never being achieved, but mistakenly the only validation of being appreciated and love they can get....

 

Why is this NEVER said about men who do the same thing. They drink, do drugs, and sleep with hundreds of women and they are just sowing their wild oats. Nobody ever says they are mentally ill.

 

Why is that?

[lostsunsets]

If you see her take a drink.......bail out.

[AttillatheHun]

Why on earth would you know all of this crap?

 

That's what I was wondering. How could you know all of this in such detail. I can't imagine anyone ever disclosing this information and expecting a healthy relationship with the person they tell.

 

Comments like these are ignorant and nonsensical. I think most people would like to know who they are getting involved with. As morningcoffee said, past behaviour is generally the best predictor of future behaviour.

 

Sure, this woman may be shooting herself in the foot by disclosing information such as this. But she did do the right thing by being honest with her partner, did she not? If she had not, then her chances would have sank even lower because truth eventually finds its way around.