Trouble dealing with girlfriends sexual past

[dazzle22]

Exactly. Some people are totally fine with knowing almost nothing about their loved one's past sexual escapades. I am not one of those. And he's free to know about mine.

 

But I am that way about a lot in life. On my job, I always tell my staff, if something bad is going down, and you are afraid to tell me, or wait till Monday because you don't want to ruin my weekend, guess what? I am more upset about being in the dark and having something blind side me (which someone's sexual past sure can do) and withhold from me, than I am about knowing the truth.

 

I HATE being the last to know. I also hate the idea that my husband's past women are in some secret little 'fantasy box' that only they and he are privy to. Him telling me about them psychologically takes away their power to me. I know that is not necessarily real, but it feels better to know, for me. I know a lot of people feel differently, but I greatly dislike it when such people come down on people like the OP and myself. Not everyone thinks the same on such issues.

[jerrytodd]

I just want to offer a contrary opinion based on recent experience. My exGF had a similar past, promiscuity, infidelity, sex for validation. I believe the reason she told me about her past was as a warning. She did eventually dump me. She found someone new before we ended. She was loyal I believe for three years. But the demons came back.

 

In the breakup section there are people saying "if you knew that about her past why are you upset she moved on". And I said I didnt know before we started and especially before we started to get serious.

 

And like you she was so perfect in so many ways and I let it go. Her exH was judgemental and didnt trust her and I didnt want to be him. Candidly I also was not sure about criticizing a woman who had been sexually free as a moral judgement of some sort. Finally, I was sure she was over this behaviour. She told me she loved me 100,000 times. And meant it. Until she didnt suddenly one day.

 

I sincerely hope that your result is not the same. And candidly there is not much you can do anyway unless you pre-emptively dump her. But I would be on guard.

 

Best of luck.

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks Dazzle it sounds like you are just like me because I am just one of these people who need to know regardless of the consequences. It also gives me the choice to make informed decisions. All other comments are welcomed however as it is logical to hear all differnet points of view and see how other people view a situation.

[JohnDoe6]

Thanks for your comments JerryTodd, seems like a similar situation to mine and I certainly hope it doesn't end the same way either. I think I would lose faith in all humanity if that were to happen and would lose my ability to give someone the benfit of the doubt when they say they have changed.

[2.50 a gallon]

JD6

 

Can a leapord change its spots? Definitely No. But we are are not leapords, we can make changes.

 

I shall not go into the details, but your GF's past is saintly compared to my past. Other than my XW after we married, there was not a woman that I did not cheat on.

 

All of that changed over 14 years ago when I began dating my present live in GF.

 

As for my GF, she had been married and divorced from an abusive H. Single for several years before getting into a LTR with a live in BF for several years. They had just broke up when we began dating, I was her rebound. When we began dating, it was supposed to be a f/w/b's relationship. Both of us were determined to never fall in love again. I am in love with her, and she with me.

 

We both have pasts and none of that matters! What matters is what we have done since we got together. Even though I am retired, read plus 60 years old, I am still given opportunities to cheat. I am not even tempted.

 

So what is it that made us change. Part of the answer is maturity. She was 41 and I was 48 (quite similar to your ages). Both of us have survived the bull ch*t in life, and recognized something special when we found it.

 

You see your GF's past as a liabilty, when maybe it might be actually an asset. In short, she has been there, done that, and rejected it and is now sober for 18 months. Maybe at last she has found what it good in life and rejected the bull ch*t.

[JohnDoe6]

Love your post 2.50 per gallon. What you say makes excellent sense and it has given me clarity about what is important in life and to stop worrying about the past and get on with the present. I've had some very good posts but yours is by far the one that is so close to what I have been trying to tell myself for a long time. It appears you have had a long happy life regardless of pasts. By the way mine is not that flash either but far less complicated than my GF. I still say men are much my simpler than the complicated female. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[elysium23]

Why is this NEVER said about men who do the same thing. They drink, do drugs, and sleep with hundreds of women and they are just sowing their wild oats. Nobody ever says they are mentally ill.

 

Why is that?

 

Thank you! This is such a great point. That always bothered me.

[Romance]

I would have trouble with it, to be honest. However I am only 19. But it is hard for me to even begin to imagine sleeping with 19 men. Even more than 5 men!

 

Eek

[Reality Drip]

I have to echo the question above and ask why you know THIS much detail? Did you ask about all this and if so it clearly bothers you way too much for this to last.

 

The woman is broken and you can bet she's on the fence in terms of the moment you slip up it's ON with an old internet friend or ex. What she says and what she's done are two completely different things.

 

One man: you, are you going to change a LIFETIME of bad decisions? Really take a long hard look at this from a few steps back, my friend.

 

-Max