Weight Gain & Love (long)

[Katirhi]

Hi all, I'm a long time lurker here, looking for some advice on a rather awful situation.

I understand this is an incredibly long read, so thank you in advance if you read & offer any advice.

 

My boyfriend and I met online in a video game about 5 years ago (mid 2005). We started "seeing" each other about 4.5 years ago. He lives in Australia, and I in the US.

 

When we first got serious, I screwed up. Badly. I was just getting out of a rather messy relationship that had taken a serious toll on my self esteem. When my boyfriend asked to see photos of me, I either declined, or sent him fake / photoshopped pictures of myself. I understood fully that this was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but I just wanted him to like me. I was desperate for a true friend after my last relationship.

 

A year and a half or so into the relationship, and I was basically screwed. At that point I was in love with him and wanted a lasting relationship, but he started noticing that something just wasn't right. Every night I layed in bed and thought of ways to tell him the truth.

 

In anticipation of him breaking up with me, I moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment (early 2007), instead of planning to visit him. Once I settled in there, I broke the news to him. The photos he'd been seeing weren't me, they were of another girl.. and some even photoshopped. He said he could tell, but wanted to see me anyway. I sent him real photos of me, and he told me I was hot, beautiful, that I never had to hide from him. I felt terrible, yet relieved all at the same time that he accepted me for who I was.

 

Our relationship kept going, stronger than ever. A few months later, and he came to visit me for 3 months (late 2007). Since we started dating, I had been on anti-anxiety pills, which made me put on a TON of weight (I was always chubby, but never terribly overweight until I started taking these pills). I was huge, the biggest reason I was so hesitant to send him photos of myself (pun intended). I was absolutely terrified of him coming here.

 

He purchased a computer to use while he was here, and I panicked one night and read through his chat logs, and found a bunch of chats between him and his best friend, telling him I was too overweight for him to like. I was crushed, confronted him about it, and he said he was just homesick and taking it out on me.

 

But that made my anxiety worse. I stayed on the pills, ate more, exercised less, and gained even more weight. The relationship continued on, however, and a year later, I visited him for 3 months (late 2008). It went incredibly well, we laughed and smiled a lot, were intimate a lot, I met his family & friends, and even though I was huge he never really gave me hell for it. I relaxed around him finally.

 

When I returned home (early 2009), we had a long conversation over Skype about getting married. He said he would love to marry me, for me to be the mother to his children, to live together, the whole 9 yards. I was ecstatic and started planning to move to Australia to be with him.

 

A few months later (mid 2009), he broke up with me, stating that while he felt terrible for being shallow, he was finding it difficult to be physically attracted to me because of my weight. It broke my heart, but I understood. I promised him I'd lose the weight and we got back together.

 

Most of 2009 I thought our relationship had gone pretty well. Our birthdays are both in Feburary, however, so around that time (Feb 2010) I noticed him becoming a bit distant. I turned 27 and he turned 28.

 

He's always been a heavy drinker, along with his friends, but I'd noticed he'd been drinking a lot more often lately. I confronted him about it, asking if something was bothering him, and he assured me nothing was. It just didn't feel right, however, and I went snooping through his emails again for clues. When I confronted him about something I read, he slammed me for it. Rightfully so, that was another stupid thing of me to do. I promised him I'd respect his privacy if he promised to speak up if something was wrong. He agreed.

 

Last Friday night, we were chatting while he was having a few drinks & I noticed his Facebook no longer had me listed as his girlfriend. When I confronted him, he freaked out & said his Facebook got hacked, that he hadn't changed a thing. He installed an antivirus, went through password-recovery & said it wasn't working. He asked for my help in recovering it so I helped.

 

Later on that night, while still drunk, he inadvertently sent me an email intended for one of his female friends who happens to have the same first name as I do. The email was him saying that I'm stalking him & hacking into his accounts now. I was furious & asked him about it.

 

His response? He broke up with me. Again. At first he said it was because he wasn't sure he was in love with me anymore, that he'd been wanting to break up with me for awhile, wanted to get his life in order (he hasn't worked for the duration of our relationship because of time zone differences, he stays at home basically 24/7 so we can spend time together. It's depressing him) but said the feeling changes sometimes. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. It took me by surprise and I didn't know how to react, so I let him go.

 

The next morning I asked to speak with him, and once again he confessed it was my weight that was making him have doubts. He just couldn't be attracted to me because of my weight. My issue with that is, he hasn't asked to see a photo of me since I left his house, well over a year ago. I have lost SOME weight, enough to be noticeable, but he hasn't seen it because he never asks to see me.

 

We read some forums together, about other couples who have issues with love & intimacy due to weight gain, and he asked me how I would feel if he gained a ton of weight. I told him I wouldn't like it, but I couldn't leave him for it.. I would support him in losing it first. I told him I would make more of a serious effort to get healthy. I don't want to die young.

 

We left on that note because I had family coming over for Easter, but we spoke again later that afternoon and he acted like nothing happened. We chatted, watched movies together, played our video game together. I'm confused.

 

I asked him the next day what was going on, and his response was "let's just take it slow, no pressure and see where it goes."

 

All week we've been acting as though nothing happened. Chatting, laughing, playing games, watching movies. We even got drunk together the other night and had phonesex, something we hadn't done in many months.

 

 

 

 

So, my questions to you are:

What does he mean "let's just see where it goes"? Is that him giving me another chance to get in shape and see if he will be attracted to me?

Is that him just letting me down gently?

 

I've made a promise to myself to lose the weight. Not just for him, but for my own happiness and health. How can I show him I'm serious? Should I even bother? Have I doomed us from the beginning? (he has been trying to make it work) Do you think I should keep trying to salvage this relationship, or make an attempt at moving on?

[SarahRose]

I think I would be more concerned about him laying around and not working.

 

How does he support himself with no job?

[BettyBoop]

Sweetie, he isn't worth it. He sounds immature to make things up like the FB account hackings and telling his friends things about you that aren't true rather than talking directly to you about it.

 

I know snooping is wrong too - but that is unfortunately sometimes the only way to find out the truth about what your SO really says about you. I cannot blame you for that because I found out what my b/f said about me while I was gone that way too...truth isn't that pretty. I'm still with mine but I wonder why slowly realizing he has a very negative view of me as a person I am not. Don't stay with a person who makes you feel more insecure and/or less attractive than you do when you're single.

 

Some men won't be attracted to plus sized women, some will. If he says that he cannot - believe him. I think you should lose the weight only for yourself and not for him.

 

About what he sees as "let's just see where it goes" - it's nothing but that. It's not a promise or anything. I guess he doesn't know for sure if he wants to be with you or not.

Sorry I couldn't give you better advice I just wanted to let you know you're worth a man who will not trash talk you to his friends...

[Spiritofnow]

Katirhi,

 

I have sooooo much to say.

 

Firstly, I would like to point out that anyone who posts a response to any of the threads on this here forum does so by being totally influenced by their own perceptions, values, expectations...you get it : )

 

So, of course what I am going to say is based on what I said above, but it is also based on something called ' acceptance '.

 

I had a always been a slim athletic girl, and then when I was in my mid 20's I put on a lot of weight. I didn't stay that size for long, but I did live my life from the perspective of a larger person for a while.

 

I believe that western cultures have created a terrible prejudice against people who do not fit the current societal 'norms'. And, it makes me mad!!! It makes me mad that a beautiful person can be judged just because they have a different body shape. I have a lot to say on that, but I won't.

 

Okay, I am just gonna get to the crunch - firstly I feel you need to be more accepting of yourself. Losing weight doesn't magically make you a more desirable or a better person. You are who you are irrespective of the body you have. And on first impressions you sound like a lovely young lady. You said you are taking pills for anxiety, so that suggests to me that there is already some underlying psychological issues, which may effect how you feel about yourself and the boundaries that you create for yourself in life. I don't want to come across as some pop-psychologists, but I feel you have lost sight of the real issues here.

 

If a friend told you that her boyfriend was thinking of dumping her because she had gained weight or was indeed of a heavier body set, or because her nose was crooked, or her teeth weren't straight enough what would be your response to her??? Would you want your friend to believe that it was acceptable for someone who proclaims to love her to make her feel she was unlovable to them because of their shape???

 

I met my bf online and we were both nervous about sharing pics of each other. He has had weight issues all of his life and if I am going to be totally honest I am not so accepting of my appearance as I would like to be - I think I can be overcritical. However, I have made a lot of progress and I am more confident and assertive as I move through this life. If he had seen a picture of me and decided that he could no longer be in love with me because there was something about me that he didn't like I would have been sad and felt hurt, but I would have MOVED ON. I would have moved on, because I would have realised that if he is not accepting of me how could I ever come to a place where I could be more accepting of myself. How could I trust someone who was meant to love me, but was also judging me. How could I really be supporting myself, caring for myself, giving myself the things that are important in this life to enable a person to grow, if I allowed someone to make me feel that they didn't accept me.

 

Everyone has preferences -- I like spicy food, and I like to drink certain drinks, I like chocolate, but that doesn't mean that I would discount all the other options available to me - it doesn't mean that just because I find men of a certain body shape attractive that I am shallow enough not to be able to love someone who might not fall under my preferences. My bf is heavier now that when I met him, and I love him 100%. He is the man I love fat, thin, round, yellow, green you name it. I love him.

 

I am not going to judge your bf, but I will say this. Let yourself be loved, because you DO deserve to be, and you DO deserve good, healthy, trusting, loyal love.

 

That may or may not be what you were looking for? I just hope that you can come to a place where you place more emphasis on valuing yourself.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Katirhi]

I think I would be more concerned about him laying around and not working.

 

How does he support himself with no job?

 

He lives in Australia, and their unemployment system is vastly different from ours. He lives with his mother and collects unemployment basically.

[Katirhi]

Thanks for the replies.

 

One of the biggest reasons I have been so accepting of his immaturity is because.. well, it's silly, really. He's an incredibly spoiled only child. His parents divorced when he was only 3, and he's lived with his mother ever since. His mother seems to be the type who is absolutely terrified of being alone, and thus, since her divorce has basically let him walk all over her. I couldn't believe my eyes when I stayed with them! I guess I just looked at it as a personality flaw and not a potential relationship buster.

 

He has also exclaimed to me on several occasions that he just doesn't know what to do with women. I'm his first serious girlfriend (the longest he's lasted before me was a short couple of weeks).

 

I wasn't expecting to stamp these behaviors out of him, but I am incredibly tolerant about most things.. overall, he's a great guy and I cannot even express into words how well we get along. When we're together, it just feels right.

 

I don't put any limits on him and I think that's basically the biggest reason he stays with me. He knows no other woman in her right mind would put up with the things that I'm completely tolerant of.

 

 

 

The more & more I write about my relationship with him, the more & more insane I think I just might be!

 

I definitely have a lot to think about. For now, however, I think it would be best if I just took a few steps back to re-evaluate my life & work on getting healthy.

 

If anyone else has any more insight, I would love to hear it. I truly appreciate the replies I've gotten so far, both here and in PMs.

[aerogurl87]

Well katirhi, my mom once told me that one of the best indicators of how a man will treat you is how he treats his mother (granted, that's if there is no abuse involved). Just something to think about.

 

My main concern though is that he treats you like crap and you allow him to. He isn't staying with you because he loves you, he's staying with you because you let him walk over you and he can't find another girl to put up with his BS. Stop being a doormat, doormats aren't loved, they're used and then thrown away like trash.

[Gradschooler]

I'm just going to comment on the title. If you guys were married, and you had a medical condition which led to weight gain, what would happen then? Think of it that way and choose.

[BettyBoop]

He lives in Australia, and their unemployment system is vastly different from ours. He lives with his mother and collects unemployment basically.

 

Sweetie, he is 27 and is still living with his mother and collects unemployment?! This is NOT the man for you. (For more reasons than that). Believe that what you see is what you get - and love makes vision too blurry sometimes. Get some glasses and see him for what he really is...only you can decide exactly what that is.

[hoping2heal]

Just because you are very tolerant of people treating you badly doesn't make him such a great guy. Maybe he treats you better than you have been treated by others in your life but that again doesn't make him such a great guy. This guy puts you down to his friends and talks about you behind your back. He also treats his mother like crap and quite frankly? He sounds like an overgrown 13 year old boy.

 

Again, this guy may treat you better than others have..but that doesn't mean the way he is treating you is all that and quite frankly it sucks the way he is treating you.

[teeny]

wow, i understand exactly what your going through.

 

my first suggestion would be to stop talking to him, let him message you. secondly, fix your medication! i know how hard antianxiety meds are to deal with, but if you can't fix yourself first, your relationship isnt going to get fixed. I know most people would tell you if he loved you for you then it wouldn't matter. But no one has been in his shoes or ever will be. Being that your relationship is alot of online contact its understandable to want to make it work, being youve been together for such a long time, and emotional contact is sometimes much stronger then being together.

 

i know this advice might be out of the norm, but the first thing that needs to change is you, then obviously this will fall into place. the better you feel about yourself the more guys will notice you, and he will too.

[D-Lish]

I'm just going to comment on the title. If you guys were married, and you had a medical condition which led to weight gain, what would happen then? Think of it that way and choose.

 

 

Well, that's not the case here...

 

The relationship began on a foundation of lies. She presented as someone she wasn't and he fell in love with that image.

[SarahRose]

He lives in Australia, and their unemployment system is vastly different from ours. He lives with his mother and collects unemployment basically.

 

I'm glad to know that I am working hard every day to support his lazy arse. Sheesh. Bloody dole bludgers

 

Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. This guy has nothing to offer you nothing. He's a lazy good for nothing drunk. Don't you think you deserve any better than that?

[Deeblondie82]

I'm glad to know that I am working hard every day to support his lazy arse. Sheesh. Bloody dole bludgers

 

Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. This guy has nothing to offer you nothing. He's a lazy good for nothing drunk. Don't you think you deserve any better than that?

 

 

I agreee. Girl you need to move on... find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated

[goatee]

You have no excuse to be fat, especially when you are aware of it. I dated a very nice girl but quite fat. Initially I told her everything was great etc because she was fun to hang around. Then we had sex and it wasn't fun one little bit, erection issues and all, I got used to it after but what bothered me was the lack of effort to reduce weight gain. She would eat the most disgusting fatty breakfasts, an entire can of icecream, chocolate etc. ZERO effort to lose weight. Everytime we had sex I would contantly think "why are you so fat, it's not attractive".

 

Lose weight for yourself not your boyfriend. It helps your selfesteem and prevents you from getting "stuck" to some unemployed loser who lives in another country because you can't get someone better.

 

harsh I know but come on. just lose it.

[Deeblondie82]

If you want to loose weight thats good for you and yes loose it for yourself and no one else. But If you are with someone and then you gain weight I know some people cant deal with that but alot of people these days like bigger girls I know Im with a guy who loves my curves I know that I need to lose some weight but I will when i am ready to...

[Romance]

I am on A LOT of anti anxiety medication...and the last thing they do is make me gain weight..

 

But anyway, he sounds like a total prick. I'd be crushed.

[bananarama1]

i was browsing through here because i want to beak up w/ my boyfriend.

 

we are in an LDR and we met online in..a video game i rather no mention

 

but i think most guys..esp the young ones, are vain. granted u cannot get off ur anti anxiety pills because u need em, but they do cause some weight gain. if thats all he ever sees then he isnt the one for u.

 

there are so many guys out there, and not the ones who stay home and play a video game.

 

u need to maintain a healthy weight for your own good, a high bmi poses a lot of risks like diabetes or heart disease.

 

i gained 10 lbs playing this dumb game but now im working out and not playing as much.

 

as for the guys, i dont take them seriously. i get bored easily anyway and i can easily spot the vain ones, those that value a woman thru her body and beauty. its a turn off for me because looks are really temporary in this world. and even if i had the looks and body i cant maintain that forever, i dont wanna live in insecurity that im gona lose someone if i lose my looks.

[Eeyore79]

There is no virus which deletes girlfriends from Facebook. A hacker would do something much more serious like posting status updates or deleting the whole profile for a laugh, he wouldn't just delete a girlfriend. Face it - this guy deleted you because he doesn't want people to know he's dating you.

 

If you don't like your weight, take the initiative and do something about it. And get rid of this loser - he doesn't love you and is no good for you.

[Enema]

Two things quite simply:

 

1) Ditch this guy, he is a loser

2) Lose weight, you are a loser