Should I take his offer of a *possible* second chance?

[shadowplay]

My ex broke up with me two days ago.

 

If you want to read the short version of my story read here, and the long version here.

 

My ex has offered me a scenario that he's open to. He says we won't talk for 2 or 3 weeks so he can clear up his head and improve the aspects of his life that had suffered during the relationship, and that then we can start hanging out as friends only and see where it goes from there. That would involve going to movies, bars, to get ice cream, whatever, but they wouldn't be actual dates, just hang outs. He said he's open to that developing into a relationship, but he can't make any promises.

 

I'm really, really torn about whether I should do this or not. With anyone else, I would never even consider it, but he is so important to me, that I don't know if I can't take that chance. I also feel that because he made such an immature, blockheaded decision in not trying to work things out with me, and because his decision came totally out of the blue to both him and me after we had an overall great relationship, and finally because his reasons for breaking up with me didn't make any sense (he could barely explain them himself), there is some slim chance of redeeming this. At the same time I feel like it will be pretty painful for me to see him as friends and keep wondering if he'll change his mind.

 

Also, I'm wondering what the chances are of this materializing into anything. How should I conduct myself if I want to get him back?

 

Has anyone succeeded with this approach and if so how?

Edited April 9, 2010 by shadowplay

[Els]

Even if you do get him back, Shadow, what makes you think he won't do the same thing all over again? With this no-pressure method, you can't even talk to him about what he did to you, his immaturity, and possible ways you two can work this out. Which is essential.

[Star Gazer]

No.

 

No no!

 

No no no!

 

No no no no!

 

No no no no no!

 

No no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no no no!

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[northstar1]

My ex broke up with me two days ago.

 

If you want to read the short version of my story read here, and the long version here.

 

My ex has offered me a scenario that he's open to. He says we won't talk for 2 or 3 weeks so he can clear up his head and improve the aspects of his life that had suffered during the relationship, and that then we can start hanging out as friends only and see where it goes from there. That would involve going to movies, bars, to get ice cream, whatever, but they wouldn't be actual dates, just hang outs. He said he's open to that developing into a relationship, but he can't make any promises.

 

I'm really, really torn about whether I should do this or not. With anyone else, I would never even consider it, but he is so important to me, that I don't know if I can't take that chance. I also feel that because he made such an immature, blockheaded decision in not trying to work things out with me, and because his decision came totally out of the blue to both him and me after we had an overall great relationship, and finally because his reasons for breaking up with me didn't make any sense (he could barely explain them himself), there is some slim chance of redeeming this. At the same time I feel like it will be pretty painful for me to see him as friends and keep wondering if he'll change his mind.

 

Also, I'm wondering what the chances are of this materializing into anything. How should I conduct myself if I want to get him back?

 

Has anyone succeeded with this approach and if so how?

 

Shadow, you deserve better.

 

These timeouts or 'breaks' are a crap excuse for him to not have to deal with issues as an adult.

 

Come on now, would you really suggest this to a friend of yours as being a good idea?

 

Why would you accept an offer to be 'friends' for 3 weeks?

 

He's making you an option for a maybe 'relationship', certainly not a priority.

 

This is not the way a healthy relationship is fostered, or worked on.

[shadowplay]

^Haha. Just so you know guys, right now I'm 60% no and 40% yes on the idea. Actually it's more like I keep flip-flopping between the two and that's kind of the average. I'm hoping once a few weeks is up, I'll be close to a 100%.

[Kamille]

Well considering how abruptly the relationship ended, I think it's normal that you're flipflopping on the idea. You're in withdrawal right now.

 

The answer, though, is that his offer is disrespectful and self-centered (all about him and his needs), puts you at a disadvantage and will make him lose respect for you.

 

So:

 

No.

 

No no!

 

No no no!

 

No no no no!

 

No no no no no!

 

No no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no no!

 

No no no no no no no no no no no!

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Perhaps]

he can't make any promises.

 

 

Read that fine print.

 

Read it again.

 

Again.

 

Now, tell me, a guy who broke up with you after a relationship now says he wants things on his terms and MAYBE if he feels the same way after, he'll come back.

 

You're no one's puppet. Love and respect go hand in hand - if he can't respect you, he can't love you. He broke up, he hurt you. If there is any reconciliation, it will be on Your terms.

 

I've been through something similar. I waited months for her to make up her mind. I won't lie - it worked out in the short run but in the end, it came crashing down. So, I don't say this because it happened to me, I say this because you deserve to be treated with respect.

 

Make it clear to him that he can take however long he wants to "clear his head" but you will not wait around forever, especially not as his safety net while he sorts out his feelings.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Perhaps

[Kamille]

You're no one's puppet. Love and respect go hand in hand - if he can't respect you, he can't love you. He broke up, he hurt you. If there is any reconciliation, it will be on Your terms.

 

 

 

Well said!

 

Shadow, if you accept the conditions he's offering, you would basically be accepting not only his terms but also the idea that "you're" the problem in the relationship. Meanwhile he gets off scotch free for betraying you the way he did.

 

Don't take the abuse and don't take the blame just to keep him in your life. This only leads to more dysfunction.

[sally4sara]

Whether consciously or subconsciously, he has constructed a scenario in which you are placed as the one down low who must earn his regard, while he floats up here where his flaws are beyond reproach. HE will not have to address his role in things and he will set the pace.

 

This is no longer a relationship of equals in his eyes. It is one where he is the perfect prize and you must grovel to win. Sounds lovely for him, but whats in it for you?

Flip the script on him or move on. I'd just move on.

[shadowplay]

Whether consciously or subconsciously, he has constructed a scenario in which you are placed as the one down low who must earn his regard, while he floats up here where his flaws are beyond reproach. HE will not have to address his role in things and he will set the pace.

 

This is no longer a relationship of equals in his eyes. It is one where he is the perfect prize and you must grovel to win. Sounds lovely for him, but whats in it for you?

Flip the script on him or move on. I'd just move on.

 

How would I flip the script?

[shadowplay]

If I decide I want him back, would I have a better chance of making that happen if I do NOT agree to this arrangement, tell him to get in touch with me when he's ready to actually date me and try things again, drop contact, and see if he ever comes around?

[sally4sara]

How would I flip the script?

 

Put him in the same seat he has you in now where his character is the one being questioned for it's worth and value in your eyes. Make him wonder if he good enough for you to bother with - not just for this lets take a break and try to be friends crap either but for you to even want to date him. Whatever he did that you didn't like, goes right under the microscope before you will even entertain further interaction with him of any kind. Make him prove to you that it is even worth your time to be a friend.

 

Is that really worth the hassle tho? Are you sure what bit of you feels compelled to try this hiatus and fake friend dance isn't just motivated by not wanting to be the rejected one in the relationship? If this had never come to pass, would you still be in the relationship and totally happy with it?

[sally4sara]

If I decide I want him back, would I have a better chance of making that happen if I do NOT agree to this arrangement, tell him to get in touch with me when he's ready to actually date me and try things again, drop contact, and see if he ever comes around?

 

I think you'd have a better chance not agreeing to the arrangement. It doesn't sound like what he is offering is a sincere friendship so why bother if it isn't what you want?

[Perhaps]

If I decide I want him back, would I have a better chance of making that happen if I do NOT agree to this arrangement, tell him to get in touch with me when he's ready to actually date me and try things again, drop contact, and see if he ever comes around?

 

 

Honestly ask yourself - given the way he's treated you, would you want to get back with him? I can understand you miss the "good" him, but the "good" him seems to be the "old" him too.

 

Intuitively, you would think the best idea is to accept his choice and be there for him and hope that things work out.

 

The more sensible idea is that you let him be and show him that you don't need him. I don't know if he will come back but neither do you - even if you went along with his idea.

 

In the end, it is your decision and I can only offer m advice based on others' and my own experience but like almost everyone else has said, mutual respect is key in any relationship - make sure there's plenty of that in your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[shadowplay]

 

The more sensible idea is that you let him be and show him that you don't need him. I don't know if he will come back but neither do you - even if you went along with his idea.

 

As it stands he thinks we're doing this friends thing in a few weeks, but going no contact in the mean time. Even though I was very ambivalent I agreed to it when I was feeling really vulnerable with him yesterday. If I want to try the approach you suggested should I break the NC now to let him know that I don't feel comfortable with the friends arrangement, or wait until three weeks is up and he contacts me?

Edited April 9, 2010 by shadowplay

[Perhaps]

As it stands he thinks we're doing this friends thing in a few weeks, but going no contact in the mean time. If I want to try the approach you suggested should I break the NC now to let him know that I don't feel comfortable with the friends arrangement, or wait until three weeks is up and he contacts me?

 

 

Maintain NC because you both could use some time alone to think things through. If/when he contacts you, ask him what he has decided. If he says he wants to be friends and still can't promise anything, politely tell him that as much as you'd like that, you can't be just friends - you either want a proper relationship and if he can't give that to you, then that's too bad.

 

If, in a few weeks, you think you can be friends, more power to you. But if you can't handle being friends, it would be best to tell him that you can't be just friends.

 

Meanwhile, I suggest using this NC time to really figure things out and what you really want. I completely sympathize with your situation and totally understand how tempting it is to be friends and hope for things to work out but ask yourself - is the possible failure worth the chance of success?

Edited April 9, 2010 by Perhaps

[shadowplay]

Maintain NC because you both could use some time alone to thing things through. If/when he contacts you, ask him what he has decided. If he says he wants to be friends and still can't promise anything, politely tell him that as much as you'd like that, you can't be just friends - you either want a proper relationship and if he can't give that to you, then that's too bad.

 

If, in a few weeks, you think you can be friends, more power to you. But if you can't handle being friends, it would be best to tell him that you can't be just friends.

 

Meanwhile, I suggest using this NC time to really figure things out and what you really want. I completely sympathize with your situation and totally understand how tempting it is to be friends and hope for things to work out but ask yourself - is the possible failure worth the chance of success?

 

Yeah, I think you're right that the NC will be good for me. But at the same time I'm wondering, if I want to give this a chance, is it a bad idea to not tell him now that I'm not OK with that arrangement. My fear is if I don't he'll have those three weeks to lose respect for me because I agreed to it and think I'm totally dying to be with him.

[Perhaps]

Yeah, I think you're right that the NC will be good for me. But at the same time I'm wondering, if I want to give this a chance, is it a bad idea to not tell him now that I'm not OK with that arrangement. My fear is if I don't he'll have those three weeks to lose respect for me because I agreed to it and think I'm totally dying to be with him.

 

 

It's a tough call - you can let him know now and maintain NC and tell him to contact you if he changes his mind... although that leaves the ball in his court, do you really want to wait around for that call?

 

Although you raise a good point, you shouldn't be worried about him losing respect for you, he broke up with you and hurt you, and then he says he wants to be friends. If he can change his feelings after a long time, I'm sure you changing your mind in a few weeks won't be that bad - plus that's what NC is for - time to yourself to figure things out and make up your mind about some things.

 

How about this - keep NC for one week. At the end of the week, either wait for him to contact you or you let him know that you've made your decision. ..a hybrid, sort of

[shadowplay]

It's a tough call - you can let him know now and maintain NC and tell him to contact you if he changes his mind... although that leaves the ball in his court, do you really want to wait around for that call?

 

Although you raise a good point, you shouldn't be worried about him losing respect for you, he broke up with you and hurt you, and then he says he wants to be friends. If he can change his feelings after a long time, I'm sure you changing your mind in a few weeks won't be that bad - plus that's what NC is for - time to yourself to figure things out and make up your mind about some things.

 

How about this - keep NC for one week. At the end of the week, either wait for him to contact you or you let him know that you've made your decision. ..a hybrid, sort of

 

I like that idea, and I think I'll do it! Wait a week and see.

 

When I said lose respect for me I didn't mean because I changed my mind after a few weeks, I mean because this whole NC period he'll be thinking I'm dying to see him again when it's over.

[Perhaps]

I like that idea, and I think I'll do it! Wait a week and see.

 

When I said lose respect for me I didn't mean because I changed my mind after a few weeks, I mean because this whole NC period he'll be thinking I'm dying to see him again when it's over.

 

 

Oh, alright, sorry about the misinterpretation.

 

Let us know how it works out!

 

Good luck

[alphamale]

Also, I'm wondering what the chances are of this materializing into anything.

close to zero i would say

[Jilly Bean]

Of course you shouldn't!

 

And FWIW, I don't think his offer was genuine. I think he was feeling so pressured, that he said it to get you to back off and leave him alone. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few weeks, if you contacted him, he tells you he has a new GF. It just seems like something he would resort to.

 

Shadow, your self-worth is not tied to this man (child). He has shown you who he is, and what he is capable of. Why would you sign up for more? When people reveal themselves, believe it.

[threebyfate]

Ex contacts you in three weeks or so:

 

Shadow: I've been thinking about this a lot. It bothers me that you bailed on me when I was at my lowest point a few weeks ago. Now that I'm feeling stronger, it came crashing down on me how unreliable you are, especially when it comes to kow-towing to your family.

 

Having said all that, I wish you well. I think we shared a love that had so much potential, but now that's lost. Take care of yourself.

[Star Gazer]

As it stands he thinks we're doing this friends thing in a few weeks, but going no contact in the mean time.

 

Why does he think this? Did you already accept his offer?

[Star Gazer]

Of course you shouldn't!

 

And FWIW, I don't think his offer was genuine. I think he was feeling so pressured, that he said it to get you to back off and leave him alone. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few weeks, if you contacted him, he tells you he has a new GF. It just seems like something he would resort to.

 

Shadow, your self-worth is not tied to this man (child). He has shown you who he is, and what he is capable of. Why would you sign up for more? When people reveal themselves, believe it.

 

Read this again, Shadow.