Should I take his offer of a *possible* second chance?

[alphamale]

don't be "friends" with any potential lovers or any ex-lovers. thats the basic rule

[sally4sara]

Ex contacts you in three weeks or so:

 

Shadow: I've been thinking about this a lot. It bothers me that you bailed on me when I was at my lowest point a few weeks ago. Now that I'm feeling stronger, it came crashing down on me how unreliable you are, especially when it comes to kow-towing to your family.

 

Having said all that, I wish you well. I think we shared a love that had so much potential, but now that's lost. Take care of yourself.

 

Beautiful. Flipping the script AND taking the high ground!

[shadowplay]

Why does he think this? Did you already accept his offer?

 

When we spoke yesterday (the last contact we've had), I was feeling really, really vulnerable, so I basically accepted his offer. But in my head I was thinking that I haven't decided whether I'll do it or not, and I can always back out. I basically just accepted at the time to leave the possibility open, but my hope was also that in three weeks I'd feel strong enough to say no.

[shadowplay]

Of course you shouldn't!

 

And FWIW, I don't think his offer was genuine. I think he was feeling so pressured, that he said it to get you to back off and leave him alone. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few weeks, if you contacted him, he tells you he has a new GF. It just seems like something he would resort to.

 

Shadow, your self-worth is not tied to this man (child). He has shown you who he is, and what he is capable of. Why would you sign up for more? When people reveal themselves, believe it.

 

Yeah, who knows if it was genuine. You may be right. He sounded like he meant it, and even promised me we'd try this, but I have completely lost all trust in him so I believe nothing he says.

 

A new girlfriend is possible, but I think he already has one in the form of his family.

[Jilly Bean]

Yeah, who knows if it was genuine. You may be right. He sounded like he meant it, and even promised me we'd try this, but I have completely lost all trust in him so I believe nothing he says.

 

A new girlfriend is possible, but I think he already has one in the form of his family.

 

Oh, I don't mean he'd really have a new GF. Just a lying tactic I wouldn't put past him.

 

Right now, you're in the bargaining stage. Expected. Soon will come acceptance. Move on when you're ready, Shadow. In the meantime, just protect yourself in all the ways he never did or could...

[shadowplay]

Ex contacts you in three weeks or so:

 

Shadow: I've been thinking about this a lot. It bothers me that you bailed on me when I was at my lowest point a few weeks ago. Now that I'm feeling stronger, it came crashing down on me how unreliable you are, especially when it comes to kow-towing to your family.

 

Having said all that, I wish you well. I think we shared a love that had so much potential, but now that's lost. Take care of yourself.

 

This is golden, thanks. Assuming I don't chicken out and hang out with him, which I'm really hoping I don't, I will use it. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll feel stronger. I've made appointments with three different therapists in town for next week, because I'm looking for somebody new (last woman really didn't jive with me). I'm also interviewing for an internship at another local tv station. I set this all up today. I'm hoping by making positive changes in my life, any desire I have to cave will disappear.

[threebyfate]

This is golden, thanks. Assuming I don't chicken out and hang out with him, which I'm really hoping I don't, I will use it. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll feel stronger. I've made appointments with three different therapists in town for next week, because I'm looking for somebody new (last woman really didn't jive with me). I'm also interviewing for an internship at another local tv station. I set this all up today. I'm hoping by making positive changes in my life, any desire I have to cave will disappear.

Perfect! Just keep moving forward with yourself!

 

Remember what I said about life and rectums!

[Kamille]

I've made appointments with three different therapists in town for next week, because I'm looking for somebody new (last woman really didn't jive with me). I'm also interviewing for an internship at another local tv station. I set this all up today. I'm hoping by making positive changes in my life, any desire I have to cave will disappear.

 

That's amazing! I'm very proud of you for being so strong and taking the steps you need to help you move on!

[Kamille]

You have a good head on your shoulders Shadow. You're going to be all right.

[shadowplay]

You have a good head on your shoulders Shadow. You're going to be all right.

 

Aw, thanks.

[linwood]

He apparently needs two to three weeks without you looking over his shoulder for some reason.

 

I read your "short version".

There`s a 90% chance he`s already interested/involved with someone else.

 

Drop him, his request is bull****.

[Rearden Metal]

If you say no, you'll actually have a LEGIT shot at him coming around with great intentions. If you say Yes, He'll walk all over you.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am glad that you are already making positive changes rather than sinking into depression. He is the mentally unstable one, not you.

 

Everybody here gave you great advice

[sweetjasmine]

He sounded like he meant it, and even promised me we'd try this, but I have completely lost all trust in him so I believe nothing he says.

 

Yup, he also sounded like he meant it when he said he was going to return to your house and that you guys would talk it out. And then you got a "actually, bye!" phone call.

 

I agree with everyone else - don't take his offer.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Never take an offer that leaves you settling for less than what you want. All you will get from it ultimately is... less.

[sunshinegirl]

Yup, he also sounded like he meant it when he said he was going to return to your house and that you guys would talk it out. And then you got a "actually, bye!" phone call.

 

I agree with everyone else - don't take his offer.

 

This is EXACTLY what I was going to point out. His word is worth less than dog poop on a stick.

 

LOVE that you have already taken steps to find a new therapist and get some other good stuff going for you.

 

(((hugs)))

[sugarmomma]

He is trying to dictate the terms of the relationship and those terms are not favorable to you at all.

 

 

Reject his offer immediately and move forward with your life.

[TarnishedInequity]

Never take an offer that leaves you settling for less than what you want. All you will get from it ultimately is... less.

 

This right here.

 

Good luck, ultimately it is your decision and I know many of us have been in the same position... sadly it takes getting knocked down and stepped on multiple times before the pain really kicks in and we dodge the next hit.

 

I hope, that with whatever you decide to go with, you're happy. That's all that counts.

[Ariadne]

My ex has offered me a scenario that he's open to. He says we won't talk for 2 or 3 weeks so he can clear up his head and improve the aspects of his life that had suffered during the relationship, and that then we can start hanging out as friends only

 

Oh,

 

The next step is already here?

 

Well, he is asking you for a fwb relationship.

 

Men may be simple creatures, but they know trouble when they see it and bail out.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Oh,

 

The next step is already here?

 

Well, he is asking you for a fwb relationship.

 

Men may be simple creatures, but they know trouble when they see it and bail out.

 

This is kind of mean Ariadne

[Ariadne]

This is kind of mean Ariadne

 

It's true though.

 

She worked on a project together with him and when the time came to present it, she bailed out and told him: you go.

 

Most guys would see a reaction like that as a red flag and not want to deal or change their minds. A character problem.

[CLC2008]

As it stands he thinks we're doing this friends thing in a few weeks, but going no contact in the mean time. Even though I was very ambivalent I agreed to it when I was feeling really vulnerable with him yesterday. If I want to try the approach you suggested should I break the NC now to let him know that I don't feel comfortable with the friends arrangement, or wait until three weeks is up and he contacts me?

 

Shadow, you cannot instantly flip a switch from bf/gf to "friends". Be realistic with yourself. Maybe, maybe down the road you two can grow to be friends, but a romantic relationship cannot shift from one extreme to the next in the way you are both describing and maintain a healthy balance. It's just not possible.

[torranceshipman]

Shadow, from what I have read here on LS, you are a cool girl, but I do not like the sound of the guy at ALL. To go from 'you are perfect' to 'you are dumped'...I mean, what the heck is that? Immature little douche. And to set you up as the bad one who has to earn his approval with his 'offer' of 'hanging out' with no promises...who the heck does he think he is? Forget this loser-you can do way better.

[shadowplay]

I really don't know now. He spoke with me after class about what we'd do in a few weeks...and it's sounding more promising than it was before. He just said we would hang out and take things slowly and he would be "totally open" to the possibility of it turning back into a relationship, but he couldn't promise it would work, although he said he'd really try. It really did seem like he wasn't just saying it for my benefit, and also wanted to give it a shot. He also said that his head is a lot clearer now since he last saw me and he feels he's better able to control it. Now I'm really uncertain about what to do. He means so much to me that it might be worth the risk. And if I didn't try I'd probably always wonder if it would have worked. Then again, I don't want to set myself up for another big disappointment. But I might be able to handle that disappointment if we actually try and I see that it doesn't work. Can't decide.

Edited April 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[sunshinegirl]

I really don't know now. He spoke with me after class about what we'd do in a few weeks...and it's sounding more promising than it was before. He just said we would hang out and take things slowly and he would be "totally open" to the possibility of it turning back into a relationship, but he couldn't promise it would work, although he said he'd really try. It really did seem like he wasn't just saying it for my benefit, and also wanted to give it a shot. He also said that his head is a lot clearer now since he last saw me and he feels he's better able to control it. Now I'm really uncertain about what to do. He means so much to me that it might be worth the risk. And if I didn't try I'd probably always wonder if it would have worked. Then again, I don't want to set myself up for another big disappointment. But I might be able to handle that disappointment if we actually try and I see that it doesn't work. Can't decide.

 

HEY! Throw a glass of cold water over your head! Slap yourself! Have someone shake you by the shoulders - What is this??

 

Stop. Stop talking to him. HE's WEAK. He's said NOTHING about how he's not going to kowtow to his family anymore. He hasn't apologized for treating you like C R A P. His word is worth NOTHING - remember how he has twice made promises to your face and immediately rescinded.

 

Find your inner strength, SP. Re-read the threads where everyone here has universally and unanimously agreed that he is a dick and you are better off without him. Re-focus on the bad crap - NONE of that has changed. You're letting him push your emotional buttons. I believe you're stronger than this, and smarter than this.