Is it worth it?

[Artemis]

The worst thing about meeting someone online is the possibility that you might fall in love with them. What if you can never be together?

 

I met someone a few months ago and we really hit it off online. He lives about a two-hour drive away, and we have seen each other in person three times (once I slept over at his house, no hanky-panky! LOL).

 

The problem is, I think we're falling in love, but if this relationship got serious (which it almost certainly would), we wouldn't be able to be together in the long run. I'm a big-city girl, and he's very much the small-town type. He hates big cities. We both know, given our past relationships, that not having each other nearby where we could just see each other at a moment's notice would eventually become an insurmountable obstacle to continuing the relationship.

 

So we need to know, is a brief time of happiness worth the pain that will almost certainly follow? Is it better, as the great Poet once said, to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

[Tony T]

Well, you can't lose here. You know the love can't be forever, unless one of you is able to tolerate the other's living environment.

 

The more you get into this, the greater the pain will be when it's over. On the face of it, it is insane to move further into a situation you already know will ultimately end in great hurt for both of you. But it is OK to be insane and not illegal.

 

You have to decide for yourself if the ultimate hurt, depression, etc. will be worth it. What puzzles me is that, knowing it will one day end for sure, how do the two of you decide what day that will be?

 

I don't see how you can enjoy a relationship at all, knowing it is doomed.

 

My thought is if you grow to really love the guy, there is just no way you will be able to say goodbye for no reason, unless you are not human. So you're going to have to create some conflict along the way to make the end easier for you. This will not be comfortable either and not make a positive ongoing experience.

 

I will tell you that the extra thick vanilla milkshake I had last Sunday was NOT worth the two weeks of strenuous aerobic exercise I have to do to get the extra weight off.

 

My own opinion here is you don't have a positive situation for yourself. If you live in a big city, there's got to be another guy you can love somewhere near you.

[Artemis]

My own opinion here is you don't have a positive

situation for yourself. If you live in a big city, there's got to be another guy you can love somewhere near you.

LOL. Well, I don't know about that. I've lived here seven years and had no luck.

 

I think you're right, though. This is not going to end happily unless one of us is willing to make a change. Would it be totally heartless for me to say that I don't think that person would be me? In my daydreams, HE'S always the one who decides to give up everything and come here to be with me!

 

This admission makes me wonder if whether I'm just too selfish and shallow to deserve him in the first place. Why does something that's supposed to make us happy (love) have to cause so much pain?

[Tony T]

Would it be totally heartless for me to say that I don't think that person would be me?

 

No, but it would indicate that the relationship is a bit one-sided. Of course, he won't notice that for a year or two and then you'll have problems.

 

"In my daydreams, HE'S always the one who decides to give up verything and come here to be with me!"

 

Again, sounds very one-sided. He must be very in-love with you. There is usually one in the relationship who loves more than the other. But I truly question if you love him enough to want to persue this...or are there just other things you get out of the relationship. I just have a gut feeling you could really hurt this guy.

 

Why does something that's supposed to make us happy (love) have to cause so much pain?

 

Good question. That's what this forum is all about. It really doesn't have to be this way. However, love is such a euphoric feeling that even the finest, most moral, ethical, honest people in the world will compromise themselves for this great feeling. That's why you will seldom really know your mate until you've been married to him a few years...and that's why the divorce rate is so high between the third and fifth year of marriage.

 

You do sound like you have pretty good insight on your own character and this situation. You may be smart enough to pull this off. You may be able to convince him to move permanently but you will have to be a bit more selfless to keep him around in the long term.

[Artemis]

Would it be totally heartless for me to say that I don't think that person would be me? No, but it would indicate that the relationship is a bit one-sided. Of course, he won't notice that for a year or two and then you'll have problems.

So I'm selfish because I can't live in a small town? Fair enough.

"In my daydreams, HE'S always the one who decides to give up verything and come here to be with me!" Again, sounds very one-sided. He must be very in-love with you. There is usually one in the relationship who loves more than the other. But I truly question if you love him enough to want to persue this...or are there just other things you get out of the relationship. I just have a gut feeling you could really hurt this guy.

Careful. The only thing I "get out of this relationship" is someone I love who loves me back. That means he could hurt me just as much. The very insinuation that you think I might be using this person for something is extremely offensive.

Why does something that's supposed to make us happy (love) have to cause so much pain? Good question. That's what this forum is all about. It really doesn't have to be this way. However, love is such a euphoric feeling that even the finest, most moral, ethical, honest people in the world will compromise themselves for this great feeling. That's why you will seldom really know your mate until you've been married to him a few years...and that's why the divorce rate is so high between the third and fifth year of marriage.

I understand what you're saying. I should make this decision with extreme care. It's so hard when doing what feels right may not actually be the right thing to do... So I do see your point.

You do sound like you have pretty good insight on your own character and this situation. You may be smart enough to pull this off. You may be able to convince him to move permanently but you will have to be a bit more selfless to keep him around in the long term.

I have no desire to "pull anything off." I just wanted to know whether anyone here sees anything good coming of this. Thanks for your help.