My break-up shambles

[EthanH]

Hi,

 

I have never written on here before.

 

Sorry if this is a long 'story'. My gf of a little over a year broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We are both college students... we were friends for about 4 months before... really close friends, and then started dating. Sex was the one thing that was always good between us. We have such a chemistry between each other. As a couple we argued a lot. Most of the time it was due to her being in a bad mood. She got more and more angsty, the more we dated. Her friends from school said she had a habit of snapping at those who she was closest to. They said it was clear that it was more of a problem with us, because we spent more time together and also, we were closer. She hated snapping at me, and I think that was part of the reason she broke up with me. Her friends told her she was treating me badly. I do think she tried, but she found it hard not to take me for granted.

 

We broke up. Then didn't see each other for a week, and then saw hooked up for each other for a week, and then since, we have spoken to each other about things. She says she still likes me, but is scared of the thought of getting back with me and it not working.

 

I spoke to her tonight and she said to me that she still thought it was too early for us to get back together. And this is the main thing I want advice on...she said if we got back together she could see it going one of two ways. One she would feel clingy to me, and hate it, and then not be happy. And/or two, she would feel distant from me, things wouldn't be as close as they used to be, and thus she would feel unhappy about things. My reply was, why couldn't there be a balance, she was thinking that there would only be a negative result. Both of us agree that we spent too much time together, because we didn't have lives outside the relationship. What I think is exciting is having a life, and yet still having a great relationship. She said she doesn't know how to be with me and not be clingy. It's strange as since we have split, we have done our own thing, enjoyed ourselves, but both felt we missed each other. She said she missed me but was worried it was for reasons which she hates as she thinks it is her being 'needy'... I want to get back with her, but I want to for the right reasons. I just don't know what to do. Most say that I should give her space, but when I do that, it doesn't make her react, it makes her miss me, but her reaction is to be upset and feel down. It hasn't made her contact me to change things. It is frustrating as she admits it might work between us, that 99% of stuff with us was amazing, that she misses spending time with me, being close, having sex etc, but still has bad memories of being in a relationship with me.

 

Any advice would be gratefully accepted. If you have any questions, let me know. I wrote out the whole story, but it came to 6 pages... but I will explain anything to help people give me some advice.

[haushy14]

Well I hope I understand this and if I dont, Im so sorry if i mixed something up!

I have to admit i'm a little concerned at the snapping at you part. In a relationship its a two way street always. If a guy always snapped at a girl, that would be considered emotionally abusive, wouldnt it? So for a female to do the same thing doesnt make it any different. She snaps at people she's closest to, and thats not a very good sign! Think about if you had children with her, or if she met you and your family for a get-together, would snapping at you be able to be excused because you guys are close? Most people would be uncomfortable being around that.

To be honest, I dont think that she knows what she wants AT ALL. What doesnt make sense to me, is that you said that she mentions that 99% of everything was great, but its the bad memories that makes her not want to be with you? It's very odd what she expects, because absolutley no relationship in this world is 100%. But that doesnt stop millions of people working it out together!

She's doing either one of four things:

1. Being that she isnt sure about what she wants so she needs to keep stringing you along because she wants to figure it out. And when you blow her off she doesnt like it because she doesnt want you to move on from her

2. Is using you for support when she needs her "needs" fufilled

3. Is making up small white lies to sound like your relationship was mostly WONDERFUL and is making excuses to make it so that she can let you off easy.

4. could possibly truely care about you and just doesnt want to hurt you.

 

But my guess is 1-3. But I HOPE 4 because you seem to care about her.

I think if she says that she knows it will be negative if you guys get together, shes prettty set on not wanting to get back with you so just move on and meet someone who has faith in your relationsip and isnt negative or moody! There will always be a learning experience.

Best of luck and hope i didnt misunderstand anything!

[EthanH]

I think tbh, it is none of the four...

 

I think it is that she knows she made the right decision. Even I agree with that. It wasn't going anywhere, and needed to happen. BUT I think she does still like me, she is just scared what to do next. She is convinced that if we got back together and it didn't work, things would end badly and she would lose me as a friend and any chance of us being together again would be over. Tbh I think this is an excuse, she knows I would never really push her away as a friend at minimum, I would find it difficult being just friends with her, but if that all it could be, I would accept it. I think she is just scared, and is clinging to the status quo which is not to make a move yet. She did admit she was scared of me moving on and her regretting it.

 

As for the snapping stuff. It isn't a massive deal. It isn't really snapping as such. It is difficult to explain. Like, the only way I can describe it is to give an example... like if we are cooking together, if i'm doing something she will always question it...it's immaturity I think, and she is spoilt, she was an only child. And it sounds like a big thing, but it really isn't... because if it was it would mean I didn't want to be with her... its not a deal breaker, everyone has things they need to work on with their personality and I guess this is hers... I mean she is aware of it, just says she cannot stop doing it, although when she does do it, she hates herself for doing it.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[The Non-Student]

I think the fact that she thinks it won't work out well speaks to where she is emotionally right now. You might be able to see the possibility of balance, but if she knows herself and the situation as well as she thinks she does, it says a lot that she's putting up some boundaries there. Maybe you need a bit more time; sounds like she does.

[EthanH]

Yeah maybe so. The fact is, I don't think she knows what she thinks. And I'm not just saying that with rose-tinted glasses on. The thing I don't get is that she told me I need to think of things in the longer term, rather than instant...which I found strange as she was always the one who spoke about not wanting to think about the future as it was serious and scary. She thought I was more serious about her, maybe if me knowing how i felt about her, it made me more serious, but I certainly wasn't banking on any serious commitment in the future (marriage or something) as I knew it was unrealistic and pointless to even think about.

[EthanH]

*update*

 

Just spoke to her.

 

She is so stubborn! She told me she didn't want to get back with me. But she doesn't know what she thinks. She is scared. She knows she is holding back her feelings. She admits she believes it would work, but then turns round and says she has doubts. She admits she knows we were and would be good together, but it is to do with her and her feelings. Her doubt about commitment. She said it isn't about anyone else, she isn't interested in any other guys, and yet when i ask her about the future she struggles to admit that if she isn't with me, by situation, eventually she would date someone else. She seems to think she can be in some form of single limbo for as long as it takes for her to work out why she has doubts. She tells me she loves me, she tells me she still misses everything about me, sex, closeness, hanging out with me, chatting, laughing etc etc etc, but she doesn't know why she still feels against getting back with me. I asked her why she doesn't feel frantic about it, why she doesn't feel the hand of time on her shoulder, why she doesn't feel tense about the fact that she is pushing the guy who she admits was 99% of what she wanted, the guy she admits has been closer to her than anyone else...and she just said she didn't know. It is almost like she feels she needs to teach herself a lesson, as if she wants to prove to herself that she cannot take me for granted by making it so that she regrets it and 'learns her lesson'...

[monkeymaid]

Ethan, you asked my opinion so here it is.

 

 

She has a problem within herself that makes her fear this good thing. she feels as if she doesnt not deserve to feel this wonderful thing, so she is sabotaging. i think that she needs to seriously work on herself.

 

 

it is not easy to let yourself be 100%open about yourself if you dont love yourself. my situation does mimic this in that my ex doesnt like herslef so much, that she would rather change her life completely every year or 2 so that she doesnt have to be vulnerable to one person 100%. so she runs...right into the arms of another guy who thinks she is perfect, for now.when she realizes ihat she has to be open with him, shell do it again, unless she figures it out herself, and makes stride to change that thing about her.

 

your girl doesnt seem so different. HOW OLD IS SHE??? if shes younger than 25, i would just let her go. she really needs to figure it out, and you will not motivate her to change. ...the same way your parents cannot make you go into a certain profession or live your life in a certain way. you had to figure that our. she has to figure this out. my ex has to figure out the same ****, just like i have ot figure out how to not give all myself to somoen and keep some for me.

 

she knows she has a problem, she is just stuck.

 

actually, getting her back would be easy. ...the hard part is going to be sticking with her while she goes through her ****.

 

if all you want is to get her back, thne hang out with her, and then give her a good time. relate you with emotional excitement, and you are good as gold. ...its how i get laid when i need to. you meet a girl, take her to a busy place that you know well, and know alot of people, run around with her while showing her an exciting time, and the rest is cake. ..shell jump on you. it will work with any girl including your ex

 

my guess is you dont want that though, so you need to sort out your life, make it better for yourself, then hope that she has worked on hersefl, and see whrere it goes

 

i have more but i need to go to work. ..ill post later. stay up man you are doing fine!

 

 

oh, and dont try to explain anything to her, that really wont do anything but drive her away! for now, just stay nc!

[EthanH]

saw her last night, i went over there... we kissed... then she asked me to stay, and then told me she slept with a guy last week, a drunken thing... i feel like such an idiot, all along people told me that i shouldn't worry about that, and although she was single... i thought she would take longer to get over me...i know i have no reason to be angry at her... but i still remember the times i suggested she might want to pull random guys to get over me and she got angry and said it wasn't about anyone else...we slept with each other, and she told me she still loved me and i think she meant it...i still love her, but should i even consider still wanting to get back with her? I'm so confused...