Ever experience a change of heart/attitude?

[RobertoPNW]

My ex-girlfriend doesn't believe someone can change in a week or a month, maybe not in a year. I disagree with her, she won't take it. I know she has been holding onto resentments for years. She is unable to change herself, so I think she is projecting her failure onto me.

 

I'll give you my experience:

I used to be very demanding and harsh with my daughter. I would yell alot and be very strict. When she was about 6, she told me one day that my behavior really hurts her. It hit me like a freight train, went straight to my heart. I immediately knew that I had to change myself. I can honestly say that I became a fun and loving father almost immediately. I only had to get thru the guilt and shame, which took all of 5 minutes. This was possible because my littel girl still loved me no matter what. Now she is 11 and I received a letter from her the other day. She says she loves me, has a lot of fun with me, and doesn't know what she would do without me. I never went back to being my old self.

 

Now, this is my proof that I can change. I only need constructive critiscm and I am capable of any change. The problem is when I am given destructive critiscm that I become defensive, like any other person.

 

Have you ever had a similar change in heart/attitude? Please share.

[amerikajin]

Roberto,

 

I'm glad that you were able to adjust to the needs of your daughter. I think it shows that someone can change if they want to change.

 

Your ex-girlfriend has to be convinced that you want to change. Obviously, I'm not in a position to say whether you are giving her enough proof of that or not.

 

How long have you guys been apart?

[RobertoPNW]

We have been apart for a little over a month. She was married for 7 years to a guy that was horrible to her. She has lots of resentment.

 

I'm wondering from the general audience if anyone else has experienced genuine change.

[Charley]

Before my boy and i got together, he was flirty, slutty, would get drunk and/or stoned AT LEAST once a day, would do stupid things bacause of this, like sleeping with people he didnt like or thought were ugly. he didnt care who the person was, and it certainly never meant anything. My friends and i were convinced that he would rape someone one day ( I am not joking) and we could never even imagine him caring about anything.

 

then one day, when i felt sorry for him because all his friends had turned on him, we became friends. he would ask to see me every night an make up excuses to come see me. then he asked if i would be his girl. i agreed and he just turned. up til then he was still a bit flirty but when we got together he gave up drinking, drugs, flirting, even regular smoking. he told me he loved me constantly and bought me little flowers and stuff. i honestly never saw anything like it. and now, almost a year on, the once hopeless, uncaring stoner is still telling me he loves me, and planning our future.

 

or, in short,

 

yes, ive seen change happen. its rare but can happen and the people who see it happen have seen a real miracle

[RobertoPNW]

Why do we say it's rare? What if we weren't there to witness it? Does that mean it didn't happen?

[moimeme]

I think the sort of turnaround Charley spoke about is rare, but people have 'life-changing experiences' (as Dr. Phil calls them) all the time. Often the change isn't visible; it's a change in how you think about things.

 

One of mine came about from living with a violent, abusive guy. I was able to witness, first-hand, the damage done to a person who is mistreated in his youth - and what he does to try to cope with it in his later life. It made the information I have read real and gave me a huge amount of empathy for people on both sides of these situations. It reinforced my understanding that people are not all good or all bad by showing me that a man who can do bad things can have many, many wonderful qualities - which makes the situations tragic. Previously, I assumed that abusers must be unpleasant people all 'round. It's not the case at all and knowing that has enabled me to assist others in that situation.

[animo]

My father used to stay out after work and get drunk alot. Then he would beat up on my mother. when he was sulber he would always pretend nothing had happened. I suppose he felt ashamed of what he had done which is why he did not mention it.

 

Its worth noting that my mother was cheating on him at the time. I know this no kind of an excuse at all for what he did but im sure it didnt help him either.

 

In any case. After a while my mother was fed up with pretending nothing had happened and she left him. she went to her mothers for a couple weeks while she filed for a divorce. My father called her to say he wanted to talk, so she went to him. He told her he was going to change his life, he would stop going for drinks after work and would never hurt her again. She didnt believe him and said that she simply did not love him anymore...

 

I suppose in a way she took the 'easy' way out.

 

It was no lies however. My father NEVER stayed out after work again. He is remarried now to another women. He has never somuch as yelled at her and they are very happy together. My dad still goes out and gets drunk from time to time though but when he does its together with his new wife. My mother and father used to go out alot aswell and i spent most of my childhood with grandma

 

So yes i DO believe people can change. Even radically change in very short amount fo time. I believe that people are very good lieing to themselves and even go sofar as to not realize that they are doing something wrong or harmfull untill one day...it will hit them.

 

When i was in my teens i was a seriously troubled teen. My grandmother cried ALOT for me and where i would more then likely end up. I did not see it, did not realize i was not doing anything bad. I was in controll, i knew what i was doing. Untill my best friend grabbed me and told me exactly what i was doing. It hit me like a ton of lead and thats when i spent a couple of days crying like a girly man.

 

Eventhough it has been a long time i still pay for what i did when i was young. Guilt drives me insane sometimes and all i can do is just swallow and try not to think about it. I am very fortunate that my familie does not confront me anymore for the things i did when i was younger, it is more then hard enough without being reminded.