Medgirl Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Ok I've writte a few posts here about being jealous about various people in my boyfriend's life. First I was jealous about his exwife, and somehow I (think) I got over that. However, now he has this friend named Chantelle (who is attractive and I have heard that she's permiscuous) and I've been having a seriously hard time getting over my jealousy and he's getting fed up. It seems like it goes up and down up and down. I'll get over my jealousy then just her name will be mentioned and I get all fired up again. Well, tonight just about set me off the edge. It was about 11:00pm and we were making love then the phone rang. He ignored it, then when we were done he got up and looked at the number. I said "who was it?" and he murmered "Chantelle" then walked out the door to go get a drink. I of course got fired up and we ended up having the usual Chantelle jealousy conversation. Ok, so you know what's going on, my boyfriend has had this Chantelle friend for about as long as we've been together. At first she wasn't a threat to me, then before we decided to even be "exclusive" I started to get jealous of her. I wanted him to go out with only me, and I wasn't comfortable with him hanging out with her so much. So, I decided to tell him that I want to be exclusive. Then time went on and we continued dating without any problems. Then things seemed to snowball with the jealousy thing. The exwife thing came along, now this. I think the reason it has gotten worse is because apparently she's getting back together with her ex and she needs someone to talk to. And she wants to talk to my man because she considers him her best friend. So, she calls him often and they have an art class together, and it's driving me up the wall. He swears up and down that I have nothing to worry about and that I'm basically being blind. He also told me that if I want him to quit being friends with her then it's just not going to work, which is understandable. I WISH they'd quit being friends but I also realize that I can't make him choose so I won't even try to do that. So here I am. What am I going to do? How can I get over this? Should I trust him? Shouldn't I? Our relationship can't progress until something gives, and I prefer that it's my jealousy. The jealousy is really having a bad effect on me as well as our relationship. I'm borderline obsessed with it and it's dragging me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Charley Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 hey Medgirl i know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend had female friends, and before we got together properly, he would flirt incessantly with ALL of them. i was his friend too, but the thing is he had sex with one of them, the one he'd been friends with for longest and therefore wasnot about to stop being friends with. he also tried to have sex with my very best friend at the time, but she didnt thank god. so you can imagine when we finally got together how i felt when he was around these friends. i kept thinking, is he imagining doing her right now? is he wishing he was with her instead of me? So i know exactly how you feel. thankfully the sex friend left our school shortly after we got together but the only advice i could possibly give is maybe to move? i'm sure this is too big an idea to actually carry out but it IS an idea. the next thing i can say is even though he is friends with her, he is EXCLUSIVE with you. so it is you who he wants, not her. other things you could do are introduce him to new friends, so he has more time with you and them and less with her. Or you could find yourself an attractive male 'best friend' who is always calling, seeing you etc. turn the tables on him. get loads of commitments and give some mystery and slight panic to him. then he may feel jealous himself, but he will just spend less time withthis girl and try to get your attention more. EVEN IF THIS DOESNT WORK, YOU WILL GET FRIENDS OUT OF IT, and hopefully a cute male best friend! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by Charley Or you could find yourself an attractive male 'best friend' who is always calling, seeing you etc. turn the tables on him. No, don't do that. Do you trust your boyfriend? That's what it really comes down to. You can try to avoid it if you'd like, but it's definitely a question of trust. And that's a question that you ask of us, but you have to answer it yourself. Is he neglecting you? Do you feel like there's something else between them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Medgirl Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 I know it's an issue of trust and I'm a firm believer that if you can't trust someone then you shouldn't be with them. I really can't answer WHY I don't trust him. He has never cheated on me or anyone else in his past relationships. I've never even been cheated on in my past relationships. I don't know where it stems from. I think part of it is that I'm afraid to give myself fully and completely to him because I'm afraid I'll get my heart broken. Then, he in turn won't fully commit himself to me because he's always afraid I'm going to dump him. I just don't know. As for getting other cute male friends, I do have cute male friends. We don't talk as much as he and Chantelle do, but it doesn't bother him anyway. I'm not so much afraid that he's off having sex with her. I'm more afraid that something stronger will form between them then he'll kick me to the curb. I mean it almost seems like his relationship with her is stronger than his relationship with me. I'm afraid he's happier when he's around her, and he thinks she's more levelheaded or cooler than I am. It has even crossed my mind that maybe he's thinking of her when he's making love to me. I mean, how could that not drive a girl crazy? It's funny that I'm a psychology major and I can't even figure myself out! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 I think that this has a right to make you crazy, sometimes it's not always about sleeping around. I can understand being genuinely bothered about it, why do you feel as if your relationship with him isn't as strong as his relationship with her? Talk to him about it, and tell him that although you think it's great that he's found a friend in Chantelle, you're nervous about it, because Chantelle is attractive, and he spends a lot of time with her. Tell him you trust him, but you also want to spend time with him as well. I think that if he's running off for drinks with her after lovemaking, perhaps the responsibility lies with him to make you feel better about this. Don't give him an ultimatim, rather present him with the oppurtunity to make you feel better about it, ask him directly to say something to you. After that, it's up to you to believe him or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Medgirl Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 Thanks Dyermaker, I'll see what I can do. Hopefully I'll be able to get over this because it's driving me crazy. I really don't think it's healthy. In fact I KNOW it's not healthy, and I can't just run away from him because I know that it'd continue with future relationships as well. why do you feel as if your relationship with him isn't as strong as his relationship with her? I don't exactly know the answer to that. I wish I would have made friends with him before we started dating. I think that'd help a lot. We still have a lot of fun together and talk about everything like friends do, but I can't help but worry that maybe he thinks of her more as a friend than he thinks of me. Or maybe he'd develope something more with her. I've never really been around them together, but he obviously thinks she's pretty cool if he's talking on the phone with her so much and taking classes with her. I just can't help but wonder, is it really possible for a guy to have a friendship with an attractive girl, permiscuous girl and for NOTHING to happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Medgirl Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31516/ Link to post Share on other sites
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