Torn between lover and husband

[November-Rain]

I have not been on this sight for almost three years. I didn't think I would need to come back for advice. My world has been turned upside down, since I started an affair with someone I feel so deeply connected to.

 

Quick history-I've been married for almost 15 years to a a very good man, he is a wonderful father to our three sons. Our lives are consumed with children, school, and sports. OM, has always been in and out of my life since we were 14 years old. The times I did see OM, was when we were teenagers, young adults, saw him on and off when he was married, although I did not know he was at the time, but when i did find out he was married, it was too late, I was in love with him. However, when I did marry my husband I broke it off with him, and had no contact for 4 years. Talked to him on the phone for a few months, lost contact again till Nov. 2009.

 

I feel like I've been leading a double life, and it's exhausting!!! My husband has no idea I am having an affair. I see OM about 3 times a week. OM, is married but seperated for 6 months now, he lives on his own. He wants me to tell my husband that we are in love, also says he wants to marry me. I have so much guilt in betraying my husband. I would die if my children ever found out, I live in constant fear of being caught. I love my husband, but I feel such a connection to my lover, I don't want to let him go, I can't stop my feelings for my lover, I love him dearly. At the same time, I don't want to hurt my husband and children, How do I end this??? It seems impossible! I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me either.

 

I would appreciate any helpful advice.

[hopesndreams]

What if your husband had done this to you all these years? What would you want him to do?

 

As far as loving your H, you sure have a funny way of showing it. You could be one of those people that doesn't know what real love is. Possible?

[bentnotbroken]

Why don't you give the great guy you are married to teh opportunity to chose....for you and himself?

[stella79]

November Rain...Leaving your H before you have a D-day would be in your best interest.. The pain you will cause your H and the OM is devastating. Do you have the option to leave your H and live on your own for awhile while making a decision? Hold off on having a R with the OM and take time to know yourself and what you truly want.

 

Take a good look at your M and try to picture how life will be without your H in your life. You say your H is a good father..he will most likely continue to be if you separate.

You should be scared about getting caught..all the ugliness will come out, and you will be forced to make a decision..one you may regret.. Take care Stella

[bananalaffytaffy]

You should let your dear husband choose for you. If I were a husband, I'd like to know that my wife intended to betray me.

[Passion4Life]

I have not been on this sight for almost three years. I didn't think I would need to come back for advice. My world has been turned upside down, since I started an affair with someone I feel so deeply connected to.

 

Quick history-I've been married for almost 15 years to a a very good man, he is a wonderful father to our three sons. Our lives are consumed with children, school, and sports. OM, has always been in and out of my life since we were 14 years old. The times I did see OM, was when we were teenagers, young adults, saw him on and off when he was married, although I did not know he was at the time, but when i did find out he was married, it was too late, I was in love with him. However, when I did marry my husband I broke it off with him, and had no contact for 4 years. Talked to him on the phone for a few months, lost contact again till Nov. 2009.

 

I feel like I've been leading a double life, and it's exhausting!!! My husband has no idea I am having an affair. I see OM about 3 times a week. OM, is married but seperated for 6 months now, he lives on his own. He wants me to tell my husband that we are in love, also says he wants to marry me. I have so much guilt in betraying my husband. I would die if my children ever found out, I live in constant fear of being caught. I love my husband, but I feel such a connection to my lover, I don't want to let him go, I can't stop my feelings for my lover, I love him dearly. At the same time, I don't want to hurt my husband and children, How do I end this??? It seems impossible! I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me either.

 

I would appreciate any helpful advice.

 

November-Rain , its something u need to ask yourself do u want to let go of ur lover ?

and who do you want ? if it is your lover then be brave & tell your husband how you feel about the other guy , he himself might be able to let you go .

Staying with ur husband not because of love but just because he will be hurt is not right .

[jwi71]

Quick history-I've been married for almost 15 years to a a very good man, he is a wonderful father to our three sons. Our lives are consumed with children, school, and sports.

 

OK, you have a great hubby, great kids, great home and a great life.

Except you were a little bored and this "man" was available for an A.

Started as EA then progressed to PA and before you knew it...he is "the one". I mean, nothing compares to him

 

OM, has always been in and out of my life since we were 14 years old. The times I did see OM, was when we were teenagers, young adults, saw him on and off when he was married, although I did not know he was at the time, but when i did find out he was married, it was too late, I was in love with him. However, when I did marry my husband I broke it off with him, and had no contact for 4 years. Talked to him on the phone for a few months, lost contact again till Nov. 2009.

 

I feel like I've been leading a double life, and it's exhausting!!! My husband has no idea I am having an affair. I see OM about 3 times a week. OM, is married but seperated for 6 months now, he lives on his own. He wants me to tell my husband that we are in love, also says he wants to marry me. I have so much guilt in betraying my husband. I would die if my children ever found out, I live in constant fear of being caught. I love my husband, but I feel such a connection to my lover, I don't want to let him go, I can't stop my feelings for my lover, I love him dearly. At the same time, I don't want to hurt my husband and children, How do I end this??? It seems impossible! I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me either.

 

I would appreciate any helpful advice.

 

I went back and read your original posts.

 

And this isn't your first A. In 2007 you writing about some other guy and then, two years later, THIS guy.

 

MY advice, get a D. You are clearly not happy in your M. And that's ok, sometimes the love just dies. No one faults you for wanting out.

 

What people WILL fault you for is MULTIPLE affairs.

 

There is NO way to minimize the damage. IF you continue this path, a misery FAR greater than what you know now awaits. You can't possibly tell your H you love another and you want out. You can't be that cruel to him.

 

Instead, following advice above, simply tell your H the M is over. You love him, blah, blah, blah but you can't stay married anymore and file for D. Find a nice apartment you can afford and move out. Create a new life and slowly go public with your lover.

 

Good luck.

 

And for the record, I have little doubt you and your lover will crash and burn. I would leave your M, dump the OM, get into IC and heal yourself.

[Getting_stronger]

Hi

 

I think you really need to consider this carefully. Your children will NEVER forgive you. If you decide that you want to leave your H, you really need time on your own. Mostly to get your head sorted but also to allow time for your children to accept the end of what sounds like a lovely family life. Once you have had a year or more without your H- and no lover- then maybe MAYBE- you can introduce your lover into your real life.

 

But be careful- what you are feeling now is honeymoon stage. Euphoric brain chemicals are not day to day life. Your lover and you will hit the normal boring rut of all relationships- think he'll be as lovely as your husband at that stage. Maybe not.

 

Dont compare apples and oranges. Lively romantic affairs cannot compare to normal life. But only one will make you happy in the long run- and my money isnt on the affair.

 

GS

[November-Rain]

What if your husband had done this to you all these years? What would you want him to do?

 

As far as loving your H, you sure have a funny way of showing it. You could be one of those people that doesn't know what real love is. Possible?

 

You are absolutley right! As far as loving my husband, I do have a funny way of showing it, because I'm obviously involved with someone else. I know it's not fair, that's why I'm here I need to get some clarity and reality from the outside. I have never told anyone about this, I have kept this all to myself for so many years.....I'm tired of it!

 

One thing I do know is that I would do anything for my children, I don't want to damage them in any way, I love them. Maybe the answer is to stay with my husband for the sake of my children. However, I know my husband deserves a woman who is completely in love with him...at this moment I am not that person. If there was a way to feel for him as I do for my OM, I would do it in a heartbeat.

[lolapalooza]

I know my husband deserves a woman who is completely in love with him...at this moment I am not that person. If there was a way to feel for him as I do for my OM, I would do it in a heartbeat.

How would you feel if your H was not completely in love with you, but was just staying for the children? Wouldn't you want to know this so your could make your own choices?

[bentnotbroken]

You are absolutley right! As far as loving my husband, I do have a funny way of showing it, because I'm obviously involved with someone else. I know it's not fair, that's why I'm here I need to get some clarity and reality from the outside. I have never told anyone about this, I have kept this all to myself for so many years.....I'm tired of it!

 

One thing I do know is that I would do anything for my children, I don't want to damage them in any way, I love them. Maybe the answer is to stay with my husband for the sake of my children. However, I know my husband deserves a woman who is completely in love with him...at this moment I am not that person. If there was a way to feel for him as I do for my OM, I would do it in a heartbeat.

 

 

Wrong! Do you honestly think your children won't pick up on the kind of relationship that you and your H have. You don't love him and that will eventually translate. Kids learn how to be in relationships from parents. You are going to doom your H to a life with you without his consent. First you cheat on him and then you cheat him out of real love and a real marriage for the sake of "you". You don't want to appear the the bad guy in your kids eyes. Just tell them that you two would be happier apart. They will adjust. The person I was married to had no right to steal my life and the right to be loved from me because he was being so damn noble. It hurt the kids and it damn near destroyed me. Do your husband, your children and yourself a favor....let him find a life on his own.

[November-Rain]

November Rain...Leaving your H before you have a D-day would be in your best interest.. The pain you will cause your H and the OM is devastating. Do you have the option to leave your H and live on your own for awhile while making a decision? Hold off on having a R with the OM and take time to know yourself and what you truly want.

 

Take a good look at your M and try to picture how life will be without your H in your life. You say your H is a good father..he will most likely continue to be if you separate.

You should be scared about getting caught..all the ugliness will come out, and you will be forced to make a decision..one you may regret.. Take care Stella

 

Thanks, very helpful advice.

 

I am trying to take a good look at my marriage and picture life without my husband....not that easy! I depend very much on his part of everyday life decisions, especially when it involves our children. Holding off on seeing OM, not really ever crossed my mind, until now.

 

You are right, If I am caught with OM, all the ugliness will come out! OM will always look like the bad guy to my children. I don't think it's fair to either. My husband would be so disapointed and angry at me, I can't stand the thought! Believe it or not I do care what he thinks.

 

As far as moving out, I have thought about it, however my oldest son was accepted to a very expensive private high school, and that would mean less for him. Can't do that!

 

Again, Thank you, I have a lot to think over.

[November-Rain]

Wrong! Do you honestly think your children won't pick up on the kind of relationship that you and your H have. You don't love him and that will eventually translate. Kids learn how to be in relationships from parents. You are going to doom your H to a life with you without his consent. First you cheat on him and then you cheat him out of real love and a real marriage for the sake of "you". You don't want to appear the the bad guy in your kids eyes. Just tell them that you two would be happier apart. They will adjust. The person I was married to had no right to steal my life and the right to be loved from me because he was being so damn noble. It hurt the kids and it damn near destroyed me. Do your husband, your children and yourself a favor....let him find a life on his own.

 

Wow! Your words hurt, but I know there is truth to them.

 

I feel like such a horrible person, I've cheated my husband out of real love and real marriage. As far as my children, they have no clue, however, it probably won't be long before they suspect something.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you, I can see how this can be very damaging.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow! Your words hurt, but I know there is truth to them.

 

I feel like such a horrible person, I've cheated my husband out of real love and real marriage. As far as my children, they have no clue, however, it probably won't be long before they suspect something.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you, I can see how this can be very damaging.

 

 

I appreciate you words. But don't feel bad for me, I have grown a lot through this experience. What I want you to do is take those feelings and apply them to your children. One of the things that still make me angry is what my children had to deal with me. Not just from the A angle, but from the years of marital neglect and anger that came from that. It is something that I will take the rest of my life trying to rectify and so should Mr. Messy. \

[November-Rain]

I went back and read your original posts.

 

And this isn't your first A. In 2007 you writing about some other guy and then, two years later, THIS guy.

 

MY advice, get a D. You are clearly not happy in your M. And that's ok, sometimes the love just dies. No one faults you for wanting out.

 

What people WILL fault you for is MULTIPLE affairs.

 

There is NO way to minimize the damage. IF you continue this path, a misery FAR greater than what you know now awaits. You can't possibly tell your H you love another and you want out. You can't be that cruel to him.

 

Instead, following advice above, simply tell your H the M is over. You love him, blah, blah, blah but you can't stay married anymore and file for D. Find a nice apartment you can afford and move out. Create a new life and slowly go public with your lover.

 

Good luck.

 

And for the record, I have little doubt you and your lover will crash and burn. I would leave your M, dump the OM, get into IC and heal yourself.

 

Thank you for your advice. I never thought to see it, the way you put it. I will consider your advice. I'm in my early 40's And I've loved my OM since I was 14, and I continue to do so...I wish I didn't!

 

By the way...The A your speaking about in 2007 never happened, I guess you could call that an EA, it never developed into anything physical. I ended that friendship.

[momoftwo]

I am fairly new to LS- what is EA? I am intrigued by your story. I am in a similar yet very different situation. I have never cheated on my husband (online or in person) because I could never tell my children that. I am interested in peoples comments about how it is more cruel to stay with someone you don't love than to stay and try to stick it out (is that the right interpretation?). Would like to know what your response would be if November-rain never did have an affair (similar to me) but stuck b/c don't love my husband (even though on paper I should) and b/c I love my kids sooo much, I don't want them hurt. At the same time, am I damaging them and him more by staying if I am not truly happy- or do I just expect to much? Will they really adjust-

[November-Rain]

I don't believe you can't stop feelings. You can; you are just choosing not to. You don't want to let your OW go; but how is that fair to your H? Did he agree that it would be okay if you get bored for you to get a lover? Did he okay you choosing to step outside the vows you created together?

 

 

 

So November-Rain is a serial cheater? That makes things even messier.

 

I'm not a serial cheater, I had a friendship 3 years ago, which was teetering into an EA. Nothing physical came out of it. I ended the friendship, before it went too far.

 

Her husband defintely deserves someone who won't continue to cheat on him, to possibly expose him to sexual diseases, etc. Sounds like the marriage died for her a long time ago.

 

I know my husband deserves better. OM is the only other I've ever slept with aside from my husband, not that it makes it ok, to do what I'm doing. I'm quite ashamed.

 

 

 

So you loved someone at 14 and that love has gone through all these years and hasn't changed? Because my first love is totally different than the love I have for my spouse. I was a kid then, kid love, and now I have adult love.

 

Hard for most maybe to understand, but, yes, after all these years, we are still in love with one another. Gaps in between our relationship led us to marry other people, which I know has made it what it is now, an affair!

 

Your kids, I bet, have figured out that what mommy and daddy have isn't like what their friends parents have unless you are a great actress and show affection for your spouse in verbal and physical means in front of them.

 

I've been married for almost 15 years, and I have shown great affection and love towards my husband throughout the years. I did see OM prior to my marriage, but he was married and I broke it off, he wanted to end his marriage to be with me, but I thought it to be not a good idea at the time because he had children, and I thought that would be very harmful and traumatic for them. I only spoke to OM 4 years into our marriage, never did physically see him, although he begged me to meet with him. I couldn't do it, because I respected my marriage vows. However, I DID FAIL! I finally spoke with him again this past Oct, 2009 and met with him Nov. 2009 and here I am. I need help!

 

I believe in the term 'affair fog' that I have seen on here many times. I believe what you have for these lovers you keep taking is that. It is secret, it is sneaky and it isn't real day to day love (which includes being sick, paying bills, stressing over money, dealing with laundry, etc). I bet once the rose colored glasses come off, you may find that what you feel for this lover is left over from being 14 and all gooey. Most marriages go through ups and downs; hot and cold; making love to hot monkey sex. If a persons commitment to their marriage is strong they go with the flow through all these emotions and ups and downs. But it seems like you find a lover instead of focusing on what could be a break down in your marriage. It is probably easier to go find someone new to have hot money sex with than to sit down and examine our own faults and deal with conflicts in a marriage.

 

I can't argue with that, you could possibly be right!

 

I believe your spouse should be given the truth so he can make a determination on his life and what he wants instead of you making that decision for him. I very much doubt you would like for him to do that to you. Don't stay with him out of pity or so that your kids don't have to deal with the issues of real life. Kids adjust. But betraying your kids by living this lie is not something that will likely forgive too easily or too quickly. And kids are smart! They will put together that you were cheating on dad with this guy. Which means, most likely, they will never like him.

 

I would never stay with my husband out of pity, I do love him for the great father and husband that he is. I know what I am doing has no excuse, I would like to undo the damage. I don't know if telling him the truth would help him in any way, any advice from any of you, whether telling the truth is always the best way to go, especially under these circumstances?

 

I hope you can make a commitment either way and be honest about what you have been doing.

 

Yes, that is why I am here.

[November-Rain]

Honesty is always the best policy. Not to be mean, but dishonesty is what got you here.

 

If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want the whole truth? Wouldn't you want the opportunity to either fix what's wrong, or end the relationship? You want to be loved completely for who you are, don't you think he deserves the same?

 

 

I definitely want to fix whats wrong in my relationship, but by telling my husband that I'm having an affair? I don't know if thats the right choice at this moment. I can be honest today and upfront about it, however I can't stand the thought of what it would do to him and my children. I don't want to see them suffer over the bad choices I have made.

 

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few days. I believe I want to repair my marriage and stay with my husband. I want to give it an honest shot! I still love OM and always will! I know he is not ready to end this affair, I am not either. He will not be an easy person to let go, he is very persistent, and most likely will not go away that easy. As a matter of fact, because he is so persistent, there is a good possibility I would weaken and go back to him. As of last night I have not returned any of OM calls, he has left me many voicemail messages as well texts. He is vey concerned about my well being...he doesn't know that I want to end it with him.

 

Is NC always the best way to go? Or is slowly weaning off a good choice as well? What has worked for most of you?

[U2RockZz]

how many A's you had/having actually...do not feed the bull sh** like it will break his(H) heart...you didn't give a f*** about your h's feeling when you are on your affair spree...don't you think your H deserves better than a serial cheater....actually by telling him you are giving him a chance to get rid of a cancer(you) which will come out one or other way....

 

why don't you do your first and final favor towards your H....get a D and live your happily ever after fairytale

[Owl]

I definitely want to fix whats wrong in my relationship, but by telling my husband that I'm having an affair? I don't know if thats the right choice at this moment. I can be honest today and upfront about it, however I can't stand the thought of what it would do to him and my children. I don't want to see them suffer over the bad choices I have made.

 

Here's part of why you're confused. That damage is already done. They just don't know it yet. And for as long as they aren't aware of the truth, it's going to hang like the Sword of Damoclese over their heads, waiting to fall at any moment.

 

Don't confuse the damage that's been done with telling.

 

The damage isn't a result of your telling the truth, the damage is a result of the affair you've already committed (or are still committing).

 

The truth is...the emotional distance that the affair has created, your attention and obsession with the OM, etc...these are all prices that they're already paying. The rest will be paid eventually...right now, you have control over when. But that won't always be the case...someone else could discover the affair and reveal it to your H at any time...and which do you think would be better for him to hear...a confession from you followed by an honest attempt to work on the marriage, or being revealed by someone else and being forced to confront you hoping for the truth?

 

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few days. I believe I want to repair my marriage and stay with my husband. I want to give it an honest shot!

 

 

That's awesome...but it doesn't coincide with:

 

I still love OM and always will! I know he is not ready to end this affair, I am not either. He will not be an easy person to let go, he is very persistent, and most likely will not go away that easy. As a matter of fact, because he is so persistent, there is a good possibility I would weaken and go back to him. As of last night I have not returned any of OM calls, he has left me many voicemail messages as well texts. He is vey concerned about my well being...he doesn't know that I want to end it with him.

 

Is NC always the best way to go? Or is slowly weaning off a good choice as well? What has worked for most of you?

 

You can't keep both. And think about it...if OM is that persistent, then wouldn't telling your H be the only REAL sign that OM will take that the affair truly is over? Won't it be the only real step you can take to actually get the affair to end, and to get the truth out in the open to be dealt with?

 

If you attempt NC on your own, without any support...it's very likely to fail.

 

If you attempt it with your H's help...its far more likely to succeed.

 

If you truly want to rebuild your marriage, you need to take the risk and tell the truth.

 

If you simply want to claim you gave it your best shot...don't tell, don't end the affair, and let things continue.

 

The choice has ALWAYS been yours, from the very beginning.

[Passion4Life]

how many A's you had/having actually...do not feed the bull sh** like it will break his(H) heart...you didn't give a f*** about your h's feeling when you are on your affair spree...don't you think your H deserves better than a serial cheater....actually by telling him you are giving him a chance to get rid of a cancer(you) which will come out one or other way....

 

why don't you do your first and final favor towards your H....get a D and live your happily ever after fairytale

 

well I think she genuinely wants to do the right thing for her husband & kids , so she should first make an effort to work it out rather than getting a D .

[U2RockZz]

all she was/is doing covering her tracks,tricking her clueless H to work on a M ,which has no meaning in the first place....she had/having more than one affair...i don't think her H really need this in his life....

 

this is the same thing happened to my friend (his gf cheated on him)...now he is a player...he doesn't give a s*** about emotions, i definitely can't blame him....

[Passion4Life]

all she was/is doing covering her tracks,tricking her clueless H to work on a M ,which has no meaning in the first place....she had/having more than one affair...i don't think her H really need this in his life....

 

this is the same thing happened to my friend (his gf cheated on him)...now he is a player...he doesn't give a s*** about emotions, i definitely can't blame him....

 

U2RockZz , sorry I dont see how your friend becoming a player after being cheated on has to do anything with current discussion .

[U2RockZz]

I am fairly new to LS- what is EA? I am intrigued by your story. I am in a similar yet very different situation. I have never cheated on my husband (online or in person) because I could never tell my children that. I am interested in peoples comments about how it is more cruel to stay with someone you don't love than to stay and try to stick it out (is that the right interpretation?). Would like to know what your response would be if November-rain never did have an affair (similar to me) but stuck b/c don't love my husband (even though on paper I should) and b/c I love my kids sooo much, I don't want them hurt. At the same time, am I damaging them and him more by staying if I am not truly happy- or do I just expect to much? Will they really adjust-

 

 

how come your H is responsible for ur happiness...if you are happy by yourself it doesn't really matter where you are ,whom you are with(unless ur H is crackpot,abusive..etc).....

Edited April 15, 2010 by U2RockZz

[November-Rain]

how many A's you had/having actually...do not feed the bull sh** like it will break his(H) heart...you didn't give a f*** about your h's feeling when you are on your affair spree...don't you think your H deserves better than a serial cheater....actually by telling him you are giving him a chance to get rid of a cancer(you) which will come out one or other way....

 

why don't you do your first and final favor towards your H....get a D and live your happily ever after fairytale

 

First of all, I don't know where you got that I'm a "serial cheater" As I mentioned in a previous post, about 3 years ago I had a friendship with another man in which I thought was moving towards an EA, I ended that friendship before anything inappropriate became of it. I also know that what I am doing does not have any excuse whatsoever! Again, I am here for some real help! I am having trouble letting go. I want to avoid as much pain as I can towards my husband and children. I honestly would like to know if it benefits my family in any way in telling them about my affair.