Torn between lover and husband

[November-Rain]

Here's part of why you're confused. That damage is already done. They just don't know it yet. And for as long as they aren't aware of the truth, it's going to hang like the Sword of Damoclese over their heads, waiting to fall at any moment.

 

Don't confuse the damage that's been done with telling.

 

The damage isn't a result of your telling the truth, the damage is a result of the affair you've already committed (or are still committing).

 

The truth is...the emotional distance that the affair has created, your attention and obsession with the OM, etc...these are all prices that they're already paying. The rest will be paid eventually...right now, you have control over when. But that won't always be the case...someone else could discover the affair and reveal it to your H at any time...and which do you think would be better for him to hear...a confession from you followed by an honest attempt to work on the marriage, or being revealed by someone else and being forced to confront you hoping for the truth?

 

 

 

 

That's awesome...but it doesn't coincide with:

 

 

 

You can't keep both. And think about it...if OM is that persistent, then wouldn't telling your H be the only REAL sign that OM will take that the affair truly is over? Won't it be the only real step you can take to actually get the affair to end, and to get the truth out in the open to be dealt with?

 

If you attempt NC on your own, without any support...it's very likely to fail.

 

If you attempt it with your H's help...its far more likely to succeed.

 

If you truly want to rebuild your marriage, you need to take the risk and tell the truth.

 

If you simply want to claim you gave it your best shot...don't tell, don't end the affair, and let things continue.

 

The choice has ALWAYS been yours, from the very beginning.

 

Thank you, I will muster up some courage and hopefully find a way in telling my husband the truth...don't know how though.

[numbdumbgirl]

how many A's you had/having actually...do not feed the bull sh** like it will break his(H) heart...you didn't give a f*** about your h's feeling when you are on your affair spree...don't you think your H deserves better than a serial cheater....actually by telling him you are giving him a chance to get rid of a cancer(you) which will come out one or other way....

 

why don't you do your first and final favor towards your H....get a D and live your happily ever after fairytale

WHO ARE YOU to know that Novemberain didnt live with guilt and remorse, until you have been caught up in an affair DONT comeon here bad mouthing people in this forum who came here for support. YES we know we are wrong we made a mistake, but to act like we are heartless is not your place to say!

[numbdumbgirl]

First of all, I don't know where you got that I'm a "serial cheater" As I mentioned in a previous post, about 3 years ago I had a friendship with another man in which I thought was moving towards an EA, I ended that friendship before anything inappropriate became of it. I also know that what I am doing does not have any excuse whatsoever! Again, I am here for some real help! I am having trouble letting go. I want to avoid as much pain as I can towards my husband and children. I honestly would like to know if it benefits my family in any way in telling them about my affair.

I know its hard to hold in the truth about the affair, but in my situation, I told my husband and kids and Im not sure if that was the right choice, but I have a hard time making right choices obviously.

They look at me different now and I dont blame them. Letting go was hard for me also, it took alot matter of fact he got tired of the lies and hiding and me never leaving he found someone else. So let go be free and try to salvage your marriage like I am. Hugs to you

[U2RockZz]

First of all, I don't know where you got that I'm a "serial cheater" As I mentioned in a previous post, about 3 years ago I had a friendship with another man in which I thought was moving towards an EA, I ended that friendship before anything inappropriate became of it. I also know that what I am doing does not have any excuse whatsoever! Again, I am here for some real help! I am having trouble letting go. I want to avoid as much pain as I can towards my husband and children. I honestly would like to know if it benefits my family in any way in telling them about my affair.

 

 

oh,half of your posts are on OM, your feelings...how you can't let go of them suggests more than A i guess....if you are really do not think that is an A...then why not tell to H about previous friendship or A...

 

you do not want to tell cause u do not want to face the consequences...plain and simple...do not cover up with some thing which not there to start with

 

"I want to avoid as much pain as I can towards my husband and children. "

 

logically speaking above statement is just s***...if you really cared about them you wouldn't have had an affair to start with but you had/having multiple affairs....

[November-Rain]

oh,half of your posts are on OM, your feelings...how you can't let go of them suggests more than A i guess....if you are really do not think that is an A...then why not tell to H about previous friendship or A...

 

you do not want to tell cause u do not want to face the consequences...plain and simple...do not cover up with some thing which not there to start with

 

"I want to avoid as much pain as I can towards my husband and children. "

 

logically speaking above statement is just s***...if you really cared about them you wouldn't have had an affair to start with but you had/having multiple affairs....

 

Ok, I accept peoples different points of view, although sometimes a hard pill to swallow.

 

You are wrong, as far as me not wanting to face consequences, I guess I'm prepared as well as anyone else would be when facing the possible destruction of your family, from a stupid choice I made. Maybe I had it coming.

[U2RockZz]

WHO ARE YOU to know that Novemberain didnt live with guilt and remorse, until you have been caught up in an affair DONT comeon here bad mouthing people in this forum who came here for support. YES we know we are wrong we made a mistake, but to act like we are heartless is not your place to say!

 

 

ya, you seem to have lot of remorse over your A which lasted half of your M and ...i can't say OP is heartless or not but i can definitely say you are heartless

 

"He couldnt give me a secure life thats why i couldnt leave my H."

 

you are using your H for your material needs...and OM for physical , love butterfly s ...you got yourself a better deal, i guess

 

now tell me what is so heart-full or good thing about you....

[numbdumbgirl]

ya, you seem to have lot of remorse over your A which lasted half of your M and ...i can't say OP is heartless or not but i can definitely say you are heartless

 

"He couldnt give me a secure life thats why i couldnt leave my H."

 

you are using your H for your material needs...and OM for physical , love butterfly s ...you got yourself a better deal, i guess

 

now tell me what is so heart-full or good thing about you....

Have you been cheated on is why you are so judgemental? I wasnt in an affair half my marriage..6 yrs out of 20 isnt half?

There is alot of good things bout me obviously why I have had a H and an OM thanks

[bentnotbroken]

Have you been cheated on is why you are so judgemental? I wasnt in an affair half my marriage..6 yrs out of 20 isnt half?

There is alot of good things bout me obviously why I have had a H and an OM thanks

 

 

I do understand your frustration, but having a H and a OM isn't something that should be bragged about, IMO. There is good in most of us, surely there is something else you could have come up with. A good mother perhaps?

[numbdumbgirl]

I do understand your frustration, but having a H and a OM isn't something that should be bragged about, IMO. There is good in most of us, surely there is something else you could have come up with. A good mother perhaps?

frustration led me to say that. Of course i am a good mom , both my kids are getting bright future scholarships with 4.0 gpa so I must be doin something right. I have alot of great things to offer and Its not like I didnt try to leave him before, i did several times. Franky its not anyones business what my qualitys are thats not the subject of the matter. Not to be rude towards you but to haters!

I can make it on my own and dont need a man to support me, as suggested by OP I just didnt find it very attractive to have a man (who i loved anyway) Not have plans for the future and wouldnt be stable in his career or his drug addiction recovery, So thats why I said I needed him to be secure, what woman wouldnt want a successful driven man?

[U2RockZz]

Have you been cheated on is why you are so judgemental? I wasnt in an affair half my marriage..6 yrs out of 20 isnt half?

There is alot of good things bout me obviously why I have had a H and an OM thanks

 

 

now you are questioning my credibility behind my posts...i think there is some problem with cheaters, they can't really take the truth....why would i have to be cheated on tell you that you are heartless, self centered creature ...that is the truth...

 

 

it's amazing that you are mathematically tying to prove me wrong...and your H is paying the price for whatever the good he found in you(one has to wonder why he is still there)....

[bentnotbroken]

frustration led me to say that. Of course i am a good mom , both my kids are getting bright future scholarships with 4.0 gpa so I must be doin something right. I have alot of great things to offer and Its not like I didnt try to leave him before, i did several times. Franky its not anyones business what my qualitys are thats not the subject of the matter. Not to be rude towards you but to haters!

I can make it on my own and dont need a man to support me, as suggested by OP I just didnt find it very attractive to have a man (who i loved anyway) Not have plans for the future and wouldnt be stable in his career or his drug addiction recovery, So thats why I said I needed him to be secure, what woman wouldnt want a successful driven man?

 

 

Not questioning your parenting skills, just pointing out that as a positive attribute instead of saying, you had both a H and OM. Again I do understand the frustration as you see it. I believe you do need the support of a man based on your posts. Not necessarily financially, but it certainly appears, based only on your posts, that you don't want to be alone. You would rather be part of a pair than single.

[numbdumbgirl]

Not questioning your parenting skills, just pointing out that as a positive attribute instead of saying, you had both a H and OM. Again I do understand the frustration as you see it. I believe you do need the support of a man based on your posts. Not necessarily financially, but it certainly appears, based only on your posts, that you don't want to be alone. You would rather be part of a pair than single.

I need a man that can stand on his own 2 feet that doesnt bring drug addiction and in and out of employment in my life..like i said a STABLE man and my OM couldnt provide that so i walked away. Forgot to note while this affair took place I was separated living in a different home then my H and OM. besides all this its irrelevant to the fact people do have feelings and regardless of poor choices I made, I am still hurt, and of course I know I hurt my H and OM and I will pay the price.

[bentnotbroken]

I need a man that can stand on his own 2 feet that doesnt bring drug addiction and in and out of employment in my life..like i said a STABLE man and my OM couldnt provide that so i walked away. Forgot to note while this affair took place I was separated living in a different home then my H and OM. besides all this its irrelevant to the fact people do have feelings and regardless of poor choices I made, I am still hurt, and of course I know I hurt my H and OM and I will pay the price.

 

 

Yes, we all do pay for what we do to hurt others.

[Passion4Life]

I need a man that can stand on his own 2 feet that doesnt bring drug addiction and in and out of employment in my life..like i said a STABLE man and my OM couldnt provide that so i walked away. Forgot to note while this affair took place I was separated living in a different home then my H and OM. besides all this its irrelevant to the fact people do have feelings and regardless of poor choices I made, I am still hurt, and of course I know I hurt my H and OM and I will pay the price.

 

hurt OM ? didn't u say he left you for some younger girl ?

 

Btw you are still worrying a lot more about hurting your OM than about your H .

[November-Rain]

I am ashamed and devastated for what i am about to put my family through.

 

My husband caught me with lies last night, by going to my place of work and of course I wasn't there. I was with OM.

 

I left quickly from OM home, and rushed back to talk to husband. Husband said he was hurt and angry...I can't believe he remained so calm. He also said I was selfish and he wants nothing to do with me! He said he's going to talk to an attorney today about divorcing me. He also said he never wants to speak to me again. Husband said he will also tell the children the truth, so that they know what kind of mother they have.

 

I guess I was too late, I was actually at OM home to break it off with him, About a week ago I had started distancing myself from him, however, OM was having a hard time letting go. So, I thought it better to end it in person.

 

OM is aware that I have been caught and is calling me non-stop to go and live with him, he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I feel nothing at this point for OM, because all I can think about is the hurt I have caused my husband, who did not deserve this. Most of all my children. I feel like a complete loser!

 

How can anyone survive anything like this, I feel like dying! I am very remorseful. I know whatever I say to my husband at this point will not be valid in his eyes, I don't blame him.

[Owl]

Give your H a few days to sort through this initial flood of feelings...and break it all off with OM completely and totally at this point if you want to have even the slimmest chance of saving your relationship with your H.

 

You're in for a rough ride at this point, no matter what you choose.

 

Your H isn't going to believe that you were going to end things with OM...because you were caught, not confessed.

 

It's going to take a long time to work through all of this. All you can do right now is focus on the baby steps, rather than the big picture of recovery.

 

First off...GET OM OUT OF THE PICTURE!!!!

 

Do something irrevocable to remove him from the equation.

 

If you don't...you're just going to prolong the suffering for everyone involved.

 

Then, focus on whatever you can do to start a reconciliation path with your H.

 

Now...I want to caution you on that last part...because it's very easy for someone to be abused because they permit it to happen, thinking that they've earned it. Don't fall for that trap.

 

Do accept responsibility for your actions and choices. But do NOT accept any form of actual abuse from your H, who may go overboard in his anger and pain.

 

Recognize your role and what you've done, but do not become a doormat either.

 

Take positive steps to work torwards saving your marriage. If you can get your H to go...start marriage counseling ASAP. If you can't...start IC for now, and work towards getting your H to go with you. Be prepared to INSIST on MC at a later date if your marriage isn't making any headway in recovering.

 

Read "Surviving an Affair"...it's more intended for the betrayed spouse, but it can give you some invaluable insight on what he's going through, and steps you need to take to try to rebuild your marriage.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...You should have never went to see the OM, you knew what was gonna happen it was inevitable.

 

Your choices of addiction made this happen.

 

I'm glad your husband stood up against your crap!

 

Cheating wives on this thread need to understand that you make the choices in your life. If you keep making bad ones than what do you think will happen?

 

I mean WTF, you was more concerned about the OM than your H, are you so surprised your H, wants a divorce?! It's about time.

 

Go and be with the OM. I dont understand now that your caught your all remorseful, what gives?

[November-Rain]

Give your H a few days to sort through this initial flood of feelings...and break it all off with OM completely and totally at this point if you want to have even the slimmest chance of saving your relationship with your H.

 

You're in for a rough ride at this point, no matter what you choose.

 

Your H isn't going to believe that you were going to end things with OM...because you were caught, not confessed.

 

It's going to take a long time to work through all of this. All you can do right now is focus on the baby steps, rather than the big picture of recovery.

 

First off...GET OM OUT OF THE PICTURE!!!!

 

Do something irrevocable to remove him from the equation.

 

If you don't...you're just going to prolong the suffering for everyone involved.

 

Then, focus on whatever you can do to start a reconciliation path with your H.

 

Now...I want to caution you on that last part...because it's very easy for someone to be abused because they permit it to happen, thinking that they've earned it. Don't fall for that trap.

 

Do accept responsibility for your actions and choices. But do NOT accept any form of actual abuse from your H, who may go overboard in his anger and pain.

 

Recognize your role and what you've done, but do not become a doormat either.

 

Take positive steps to work torwards saving your marriage. If you can get your H to go...start marriage counseling ASAP. If you can't...start IC for now, and work towards getting your H to go with you. Be prepared to INSIST on MC at a later date if your marriage isn't making any headway in recovering.

 

Read "Surviving an Affair"...it's more intended for the betrayed spouse, but it can give you some invaluable insight on what he's going through, and steps you need to take to try to rebuild your marriage.

 

 

My life now, is a living hell! It doesn't seem like my husband will want to work things out again, I don't blame him. My poor children will suffer the most. Will they ever forgive me?

 

Owl-Thank you for your advice, it is much needed, I feel lost!

[Left in a Lurch]

I am ashamed and devastated for what i am about to put my family through.

 

My husband caught me with lies last night, by going to my place of work and of course I wasn't there. I was with OM.

 

I left quickly from OM home, and rushed back to talk to husband. Husband said he was hurt and angry...I can't believe he remained so calm. He also said I was selfish and he wants nothing to do with me! He said he's going to talk to an attorney today about divorcing me. He also said he never wants to speak to me again. Husband said he will also tell the children the truth, so that they know what kind of mother they have.

 

I guess I was too late, I was actually at OM home to break it off with him, About a week ago I had started distancing myself from him, however, OM was having a hard time letting go. So, I thought it better to end it in person.

 

OM is aware that I have been caught and is calling me non-stop to go and live with him, he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I feel nothing at this point for OM, because all I can think about is the hurt I have caused my husband, who did not deserve this. Most of all my children. I feel like a complete loser!

 

How can anyone survive anything like this, I feel like dying! I am very remorseful. I know whatever I say to my husband at this point will not be valid in his eyes, I don't blame him.

 

Well you knew the consequences of your actions and now you have to live up to your choices.

 

As a side, your husband is trying to use your children to punish you and he will hurt the kids and only punish them by bad mouthing you, so hopefully he understands that and leaves them out of the problems between the two of you. If he tells your kids to punish you, I question him as a parent and it won't look good for him in court.

[Passion4Life]

My life now, is a living hell! It doesn't seem like my husband will want to work things out again, I don't blame him. My poor children will suffer the most. Will they ever forgive me?

 

Owl-Thank you for your advice, it is much needed, I feel lost!

 

November-Rain , It is really hard to imagine what you are going through but at least I can see you had realised your mistake & genuinely wanted to end it with om before you were caught , that is a good thing . You really need to completely break off with OM as there is still a possibility of reconcillation with your husband may be after some time . Try your best to remain calm

as it is needed in your situation .

Best of luck

[Samantha0905]

November-Rain, sorry you are going through all of this. Yes, you've made some bad choices. I doubt the ending it with your AP would have actually been final if you both have strong feelings for one another, so maybe it is for the best your husband found out. I'm sure he's extremely angry now, but I imagine he will calm down.

 

You need to think about what you really want in case your husband decides he will work on the marriage. A lot of the remorse you are feeling may be due to getting caught and feeling like you are losing your husband as he's talking divorce. I think that would make you cling to your husband naturally.

 

Do you want to completely stop seeing OM and stay in the marriage? If so, you need to stay away from OM. No explanations. No anything.

 

Or, do you want to end up with OM ultimately? If so, things may be working out for the best.

 

Your children will forgive you. Your husband should not act while he is angry and share all this information with your children. It's bad parenting. How old are your children?

[Samantha0905]

^^^^^^ no idea why that is all bolded. I kept trying to un-bold it to no avail.

[lkjh]

I feel for your H and kids but people like you make me angry. You had everything and you s*** on your family, the people that should be able to trust you with their lives.

[lkjh]

Also, in your first post you wrote "our lives are consumed with children, school, and sports". Do you have any idea how much you are going to miss those very things you were running from?

 

Do your H a break and be honest with him and let him go. Don't lie and try an convince him to stay with you. You are too selfish to ever give him want he needs.

 

Just look at the fact that you posted in the OW category instead of the infidelity. This shows that when you started your thread the OM meant more to you than your family

[November-Rain]

I need some real advice, please no more hurtful comments...I am really going through hell! I don't have much time.

 

As I mentioned before my affair is now out in the open. My husband is extremely hurt and angry. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am consumed by guilt and can't differ whether what I am enduring is expected or has it gone too far?

 

First night my husband found out about the affair he was quite calm but visibily upset, which I expected. 2nd night all hell broke loose, he drank 3 full bottles of wine, and once the alcohol got into his system he went into a rage, and there began the insults and threats, as well as the beginning of hell! I know I caused this, however I saw a side to my husband I didn't know exsisted VERY SCARY!!! That same night he called and informed all my family (Parents, sisters, brother etc...) about the affair, along with made up details as to what I was probably doing sexually with OM. He also told my children his version of what he thought OM and I did. I couldn't stop him...my children were so scared because they have never seen there father drunk. My 13 yr. old heard when my husband threatned to kill me. At one point I wanted to leave with my children because it was really getting dangerous for us, but he wouldn't let us leave the house. He finally passed out, I put my children to bed and went to my car and drove around all night and came home early next morning. Third day he was still drunk in the morning but not as bad, however he whispered in my ear that if he were to find out for sure that I slept with OM he would kill me. So I have been denying I slept with him ever since. I'm scared. Later on he sobered up and had some regrets to what had happened, he also claims he blacked out and doesn't remember a lot of the threats he made. Same day, he also told me he was going to start divorce proceedings I got so upset and begged him to give me another chance, He said I need to prove to him that I deserve it, which of course I agreed. I broke that trust between us. However, he got really strange right after and wanted to have sex, he had me do things I've never done in my marriage before, I was scared and did it anyways. Fast forward to now...It is very strange and uncomfortable to be around him because I am constantly questioned about details in regards to timelines, details about conversations, my feelings towards OM and him...etc. He has become very insecure, and wants sex all the time. He now wants me to kiss, hug,and tell him that I love him. i have always expressed that I love him, but the hugging and kissing and different style of sex is just too overwhelming. I know I did wrong, but I don't feel like having sex or kissing and hugging him anymore. Should I? Is this something I have to do to regain his trust? it's so difficult. I need to breath, I feel like i'm suffocating, am I being selfish?

 

Sorry if I've rambled on....but I am trying to fix this I even went to confession, and the preist told me I need to see a family attorney, and told me although I sinned my husband has no right to treat me as a slave. Even coming from a priest I feel I deserve what I'm getting. Also, today we are going to see a MC. My husband says he wants to make it work, because he still loves me and wants to make it work for the children. I would like to as well, for the sake of my children and the long history my husband and I have shared together. I want to get to know him again and reconnect. Soooo hard to do! My feelings for him are clouded by his actions, but then again he did not see this coming, so I feel I deserve this.