Torn between lover and husband

[November-Rain]

you are kidding right? he knows about the affair....he is in MC to work on it.....does he know that she won't give up her OM?

 

Because what good is MC when one party is trying, and the other wants to and is still f#####g around? he is fighting a losing battle until she gives up the OM.

 

I don't know what your reading, but I am not seeing OM at all, there is no contact at all with him anymore!!! My husband and I are trying to work it out. Why can't you understand that? I am being as honest and straight forward as I can. Not easy but I am doing it. My life and every part of the affair is now exposed to everyone, life sucks at the moment, however, I know I brought it on, that's why I'm here for advice so that I can make things right again.

 

Please stop being so cruel, I know what I have done is wrong, I am remorseful and I need people to help not make things worse!! If I am reading you wrong I apologize.

[November-Rain]

So, you ARE protecting him and telling your husband that you care more about OM's health/safety/whatever than your husband's feelings. Gotcha.

 

No, I'm not protecting OM! I think it's not helping the mending of our relationship if my husband were to put someone in jail for no legal reason other than revenge. Again, I caused all this and I brought out the ugly side to my husbands. I am so sorry for that.

[ladydesigner]

What I am learning through M/C is that love is not a feeling but a choice. So, I need to get over OM because my choice is to be with my husband and children. I have to learn to reconnect and develop chemistry with my husband once again. Truthfully I have not felt any chemistry with my husband for many years now, however, I am deperatley trying to. I know by having an affair with OM has made things worse. I know I could go on and marry OM like he would like me to, but I made a choice to work it out with my husband, so that I can try and repair the damage I have made as well as not screw up my kids by getting a divorce. My husband is a good man and he deserves my honesty from here on. All the advice I have been given on this board as well as through M/C is that "the grass isn't always greener on the other side", I should expect more hell than what I have been going through already if I were to make the choice to marry OM. I don't want to take that risk! I believe my marriage is much more important than a risk of seeing what if.....

 

Yep I fully agree. Even if my XOM wouldn't have broken it off with me, MY CHOICE, still and always would have been my H. Thank god for time and NC as now I feel like such a fool. A fool for making the decision to have a revenge A, a fool for thinking that I fell for someone 14 years younger than me and going nowhere in life, a fool for believing what my XOM had said, a fool for still thinking about him every now and then, a fool for not having ended it first...I could go on and on. Hindsight the grass is not always greener and next time I am to face a situation like an A about to happen I will know exactly what to do.

 

You sound like you are in a better frame of mind now November-Rain. Have you initiated NC?

[turnera]

What I am learning through M/C is that love is not a feeling but a choice. So, I need to get over OM because my choice is to be with my husband and children. I have to learn to reconnect and develop chemistry with my husband once again. Truthfully I have not felt any chemistry with my husband for many years now, however, I am deperatley trying to. I know by having an affair with OM has made things worse. I know I could go on and marry OM like he would like me to, but I made a choice to work it out with my husband, so that I can try and repair the damage I have made as well as not screw up my kids by getting a divorce. My husband is a good man and he deserves my honesty from here on.

Very wise words.

[Dexter Morgan]

I need some real advice, please no more hurtful comments...I am really going through hell! I don't have much time.

 

As I mentioned before my affair is now out in the open. My husband is extremely hurt and angry. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am consumed by guilt and can't differ whether what I am enduring is expected or has it gone too far?

 

First night my husband found out about the affair he was quite calm but visibily upset, which I expected. 2nd night all hell broke loose, he drank 3 full bottles of wine, and once the alcohol got into his system he went into a rage, and there began the insults and threats, as well as the beginning of hell! I know I caused this, however I saw a side to my husband I didn't know exsisted VERY SCARY!!! That same night he called and informed all my family (Parents, sisters, brother etc...) about the affair, along with made up details as to what I was probably doing sexually with OM. He also told my children his version of what he thought OM and I did. I couldn't stop him...my children were so scared because they have never seen there father drunk. My 13 yr. old heard when my husband threatned to kill me. At one point I wanted to leave with my children because it was really getting dangerous for us, but he wouldn't let us leave the house. He finally passed out, I put my children to bed and went to my car and drove around all night and came home early next morning. Third day he was still drunk in the morning but not as bad, however he whispered in my ear that if he were to find out for sure that I slept with OM he would kill me. So I have been denying I slept with him ever since. I'm scared. Later on he sobered up and had some regrets to what had happened, he also claims he blacked out and doesn't remember a lot of the threats he made. Same day, he also told me he was going to start divorce proceedings I got so upset and begged him to give me another chance, He said I need to prove to him that I deserve it, which of course I agreed. I broke that trust between us. However, he got really strange right after and wanted to have sex, he had me do things I've never done in my marriage before, I was scared and did it anyways. Fast forward to now...It is very strange and uncomfortable to be around him because I am constantly questioned about details in regards to timelines, details about conversations, my feelings towards OM and him...etc. He has become very insecure, and wants sex all the time. He now wants me to kiss, hug,and tell him that I love him. i have always expressed that I love him, but the hugging and kissing and different style of sex is just too overwhelming. I know I did wrong, but I don't feel like having sex or kissing and hugging him anymore. Should I? Is this something I have to do to regain his trust? it's so difficult. I need to breath, I feel like i'm suffocating, am I being selfish?

 

Sorry if I've rambled on....but I am trying to fix this I even went to confession, and the preist told me I need to see a family attorney, and told me although I sinned my husband has no right to treat me as a slave. Even coming from a priest I feel I deserve what I'm getting. Also, today we are going to see a MC. My husband says he wants to make it work, because he still loves me and wants to make it work for the children. I would like to as well, for the sake of my children and the long history my husband and I have shared together. I want to get to know him again and reconnect. Soooo hard to do! My feelings for him are clouded by his actions, but then again he did not see this coming, so I feel I deserve this.

 

jesus christ! you have f####d him up real good. Although I was definitely in a rage when I found out about my x-wife, I wasn't as bad, and probably because I don't ever really drink.

 

he'll always have a level of anger, but I suspect he will calm down and all the things that came out were out of anger coupled by the booze.

 

my guess is, while he will still be angry, it will subside after the initial shock is over. And I can't count how many times I said I was gonna kill someone, while sober, and didn't actually mean I was going to cause their heart to stop.

 

But does his heightened anger have anything to do with your reluctance to give up the other man? Did you tell him you can't give him up like you told us?

[turnera]

No, I'm not protecting OM! I think it's not helping the mending of our relationship if my husband were to put someone in jail for no legal reason other than revenge. Again, I caused all this and I brought out the ugly side to my husbands. I am so sorry for that.

That wasn't my point.

 

My point is that your husband is DYING inside. He is DYING to know that you want him, choose him, aren't just settling for him. It will take months or years for him to feel safe again with you.

 

And there is one thing that you are doing that says to HIM that you are still holding back your dedication to him - the truth about OM.

 

Can you say you're doing it to keep your husband from ruining his career? Of course you could. But we know that's not the truth. He's a big boy. He can make his own choices.

 

By shielding the OM, you are telling your husband that, yes, you choose to stay, but you still worry about the OM's well-being. And that you would rather harm your husband by withholding information than harm OM.

 

That is the ONE thing your husband desperately does NOT need to see or hear. And it's probably why he's having such a hard time.

[Dexter Morgan]

That wasn't my point.

 

My point is that your husband is DYING inside. He is DYING to know that you want him, choose him, aren't just settling for him. It will take months or years for him to feel safe again with you.

 

exactly. this is what I call the desperation phase. He feels he needs the sex, hugs, kissing, etc. to be validated and assured because she has now made him feel like less of a man.

 

this phase will pass once he starts thinking clearly and realizes that expecting these things and getting them doesn't mean she cares.

 

he is in pain and he isn't thinking clearly, plain and simple. he is still in shock.

 

 

And there is one thing that you are doing that says to HIM that you are still holding back your dedication to him - the truth about OM.

 

funny how she doesn't want the OM completely out of the picture, but expects to have a much easier go of things.

again, if they are still in MC its a waste of time and money if she won't give up the OM. Maybe this is why he is in such a rage....maybe he knows she won't give him up. Understandable from his point of view.

[Dexter Morgan]

also realize my recent comments were before reading everything, as if I have time to read through it all.

 

So hopefully, if I understand correctly, you have given up the other man. If so, then MC won't be wasting your H's time any longer.

[November-Rain]

For the last time, I have told my husband the whole truth!!! He knows everything! I have had no contact at all with OM!!! The only thing I withheld for a while was the part of sleeping with OM, and that was only because my husband had told me he was going to kill me if he found out that I had slept with OM. My husband was in a rage as well as drunk when he threatned me, however I took it seriously, because he was obviously not thinking straight at the moment. We also have several guns in our home and he had one on him when he said he wanted to kill me. He even showed it to me to scare me. So of course I was not going to reveal that part, but I eventually did, about a week after.

 

 

I know I did wrong! I am really trying to fix this. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. It has really taken a toll on me and my poor husband. I really am sorry and I am trying to make things right again, it's very difficult, it seems like such an uphill battle. I don't know at this point if we will come out of it. We have M/C tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it...anything that will give us hope is welcomed.

[Dexter Morgan]

For the last time, I have told my husband the whole truth!!! He knows everything! I have had no contact at all with OM!!! The only thing I withheld for a while was the part of sleeping with OM, and that was only because my husband had told me he was going to kill me if he found out that I had slept with OM. My husband was in a rage as well as drunk when he threatned me, however I took it seriously, because he was obviously not thinking straight at the moment. We also have several guns in our home and he had one on him when he said he wanted to kill me. He even showed it to me to scare me. So of course I was not going to reveal that part, but I eventually did, about a week after.

 

 

I know I did wrong! I am really trying to fix this. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. It has really taken a toll on me and my poor husband. I really am sorry and I am trying to make things right again, it's very difficult, it seems like such an uphill battle. I don't know at this point if we will come out of it. We have M/C tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it...anything that will give us hope is welcomed.

 

ok then

 

here is one thing I'll be curious to find out. In any kind of couples counseling, I hear, the counselor will not place blame on anyone, even if one party is clearly the problem, and I realize problems where only one is entirely to blame are rare.

 

but I think your husband will go into this thinking that the counselor will agree with him and that his expectation will be that at least he will assign a majority of the burden of what has been done on you.

 

But I have a feeling the counselor won't do that. And when the counselor comes out with what is tantamount to bullcrap and suggest that he somehow pushed you in that direction, be ready for your husband's understandalbe reaction to that.

[stillafool]

My life and every part of the affair is now exposed to everyone, life sucks at the moment, however, I know I brought it on, that's why I'm here for advice so that I can make things right again.

 

 

 

NR so you have told your h that you had sex with the OM?

[Darth Vader]

Darth Vader- The affair is out in the open- everyone knows! I'm not denying anything anymore.

 

 

That's not the only thing I was saying, I was saying that your hubby may want to contact this OM's wife or girlfriend and you not denying hubby to do so, it's in there as well.

[Darth Vader]

No, I'm not protecting OM! I think it's not helping the mending of our relationship if my husband were to put someone in jail for no legal reason other than revenge. Again, I caused all this and I brought out the ugly side to my husbands. I am so sorry for that.

 

 

By withholding information about OM's wife and family because they know where he lives, you are helping to cover and defend your OM. How do you think your Husband is feeling about that?

 

Yes, you caused all of this, and these are the repercussions of your affair! You see, Everyone suffers! Worse than an Atomic Bomb!

[Darth Vader]

That wasn't my point.

 

My point is that your husband is DYING inside. He is DYING to know that you want him, choose him, aren't just settling for him. It will take months or years for him to feel safe again with you.

 

And there is one thing that you are doing that says to HIM that you are still holding back your dedication to him - the truth about OM.

 

Can you say you're doing it to keep your husband from ruining his career? Of course you could. But we know that's not the truth. He's a big boy. He can make his own choices.

 

By shielding the OM, you are telling your husband that, yes, you choose to stay, but you still worry about the OM's well-being. And that you would rather harm your husband by withholding information than harm OM.

 

That is the ONE thing your husband desperately does NOT need to see or hear. And it's probably why he's having such a hard time.

 

 

I agree! Here it is bolded, so it can't be missed!

 

It's not your call anymore, it's your Husband's call!

[Darth Vader]

NR so you have told your h that you had sex with the OM?

 

 

Yes, she did tell him.

[Darth Vader]

Yes, she did tell him.

 

 

NR, how are the children doing? How are they reacting? We know they know something's going on. Have they acted hostile against you?

[stillafool]

Yes, she did tell him.

 

 

Good for you NR. He didn't act violent did he?

[White Flower]

For the last time, I have told my husband the whole truth!!! He knows everything! I have had no contact at all with OM!!! The only thing I withheld for a while was the part of sleeping with OM, and that was only because my husband had told me he was going to kill me if he found out that I had slept with OM. My husband was in a rage as well as drunk when he threatned me, however I took it seriously, because he was obviously not thinking straight at the moment. We also have several guns in our home and he had one on him when he said he wanted to kill me. He even showed it to me to scare me. So of course I was not going to reveal that part, but I eventually did, about a week after.

 

 

I know I did wrong! I am really trying to fix this. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. It has really taken a toll on me and my poor husband. I really am sorry and I am trying to make things right again, it's very difficult, it seems like such an uphill battle. I don't know at this point if we will come out of it. We have M/C tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it...anything that will give us hope is welcomed.

(((((November-Rain)))))

 

November-Rain, does your H know you post here?

 

You asked for any kind of help or hope. I wish I could offere some right now but the only thing I do know is that if you have any kind of real love for each other it can work out. After the anger, at the end of the day, if you both still love each other you can do this. If not, please recognize it and don't drag it out longer than you both have to.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[lkjh]

By shielding the OM you are protecting him and in your H's mind you are picking the OM over him.

 

Also, you might want to be patient. In some of your post you seem to be getting frustrated that your H is still angry after 3 weeks. I really don't think you get how bad you destroyed him. What you did is the most cruel and disgusting thing you can do to someone

[November-Rain]

(((((November-Rain)))))

 

November-Rain, does your H know you post here?

 

You asked for any kind of help or hope. I wish I could offere some right now but the only thing I do know is that if you have any kind of real love for each other it can work out. After the anger, at the end of the day, if you both still love each other you can do this. If not, please recognize it and don't drag it out longer than you both have to.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

 

No, my husband does not know I post here.

 

M/C today, hoping for some effective counseling today. Stuggling to keep it together, husband is not doing well today, and is angry with me as well as asking more questions in detail about OM and myself. Trying to be as open and honest, without hurting him more than I already have. This is tough!

 

My 13 year old son is also angry with me, because he senses the tension between his father and I. He asked me to fix everything and make it better fast! He does not like seeing his dad angry. He is scared from the day his father got drunk and went into a rage. I know he fears it will happen again. My heart breaks for him, I feel so guilty for what I have done to my family.

[nadiaj2727]

What I am learning through M/C is that love is not a feeling but a choice. So, I need to get over OM because my choice is to be with my husband and children. I have to learn to reconnect and develop chemistry with my husband once again. Truthfully I have not felt any chemistry with my husband for many years now, however, I am deperatley trying to. I know by having an affair with OM has made things worse. I know I could go on and marry OM like he would like me to, but I made a choice to work it out with my husband, so that I can try and repair the damage I have made as well as not screw up my kids by getting a divorce. My husband is a good man and he deserves my honesty from here on. All the advice I have been given on this board as well as through M/C is that "the grass isn't always greener on the other side", I should expect more hell than what I have been going through already if I were to make the choice to marry OM. I don't want to take that risk! I believe my marriage is much more important than a risk of seeing what if.....

 

 

This is so wise and I'm glad you've learned this. I'm rooting for you.

 

I think that what some of the posters are saying is that you need to give your H details of the OM because he needs to have the full truth and he needs to get his power back. Right now you and OM still have power over his marriage because he doesn't even know who the guy is that you slept with and he is afraid you are withholding more details and information, still seeing OM, etc. He needs you to be absolutely transparent and honest and open about EVERYTHING.

 

I know you fear his reaction but I can assure you it won't be as bad as you fear. You were afraid to tell him about having sex with OM and that wasn't as bad as you feared, right? If your H is in law enforcement he knows better than to break the law. He may not even contact him, he may just want the knowledge and the choice, because having knowledge and choices = power. Right now he feels powerless.

 

If your H has a way to contact OM there is much less of a chance that you will re-kindle things with the OM. I think that it's best for both your H and you for your H to at least have a way to contact him.

 

Best wishes.

[Snowflower]

No, my husband does not know I post here.

 

M/C today, hoping for some effective counseling today. Stuggling to keep it together, husband is not doing well today, and is angry with me as well as asking more questions in detail about OM and myself. Trying to be as open and honest, without hurting him more than I already have. This is tough!

 

It's good you and your H have MC today.

 

I know it's rough at first and your H is going to have up and down days.

 

So, he is asking detailed questions...I'm glad to read you are being open and honest. As a suggestion, if your H asks you a particularly difficult, hurtful question that you think might do more harm than good, then go ahead and ask him gently, "Are you sure you want to know the answer to this right now?"

 

If he responds that he needs to know, then warn him that it might hurt but then answer him. Ask him specifically what/why he needs to know and go from there.

 

IDK, from a BS point of view, sometimes there can be TMI or too much information too soon.

 

Also, be prepared and patient if he asks the same questions (even the difficult, hurtful ones) over and over again. I asked my WH the SAME darn questions over and over again. It's a betrayed spouse's way of verifying honesty in the responses.

 

Occasionally, even now, 18 months after d-day...I will still ask my H some of the same questions again. But not nearly as often as before.

 

Please reassure your husband in every way imaginable that you are being completely honest with him.

 

My 13 year old son is also angry with me, because he senses the tension between his father and I. He asked me to fix everything and make it better fast! He does not like seeing his dad angry. He is scared from the day his father got drunk and went into a rage. I know he fears it will happen again. My heart breaks for him, I feel so guilty for what I have done to my family.

 

Your H needs to reassure your son that he (your H) will not fly into a rage again. That had to be scary for you son...even though your H's reaction is understandable.

 

Take it from me, I had a 13 year old daughter at the time of my husband's affair...try to spend some time alone with your son, both you and your H individually as well as together. I know your marriage is taking a lot of your emotional energy right now but your son needs reassurance as well. His world has been rocked and he is old enough to feel the strange emotions in your house.

[Passion4Life]

For the last time, I have told my husband the whole truth!!! He knows everything! I have had no contact at all with OM!!! The only thing I withheld for a while was the part of sleeping with OM, and that was only because my husband had told me he was going to kill me if he found out that I had slept with OM. My husband was in a rage as well as drunk when he threatned me, however I took it seriously, because he was obviously not thinking straight at the moment. We also have several guns in our home and he had one on him when he said he wanted to kill me. He even showed it to me to scare me. So of course I was not going to reveal that part, but I eventually did, about a week after.

 

 

I know I did wrong! I am really trying to fix this. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. It has really taken a toll on me and my poor husband. I really am sorry and I am trying to make things right again, it's very difficult, it seems like such an uphill battle. I don't know at this point if we will come out of it. We have M/C tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it...anything that will give us hope is welcomed.

 

November-Rain , I know you are genuinely sorry & trying to fix it .

Pls dont loose hope , I can tell you it will work .

 

best of luck

[White Flower]

Nadia makes great points but with your H's anger issues, which may border on being abusive, I rather like Snowflower's suggestion...

So, he is asking detailed questions...I'm glad to read you are being open and honest. As a suggestion, if your H asks you a particularly difficult, hurtful question that you think might do more harm than good, then go ahead and ask him gently, "Are you sure you want to know the answer to this right now?"

 

IDK, from a BS point of view, sometimes there can be TMI or too much information too soon.

 

Your H needs to reassure your son that he (your H) will not fly into a rage again. That had to be scary for you son...even though your H's reaction is understandable.

 

No, my husband does not know I post here.

 

M/C today, hoping for some effective counseling today. Stuggling to keep it together, husband is not doing well today, and is angry with me as well as asking more questions in detail about OM and myself. Trying to be as open and honest, without hurting him more than I already have. This is tough!

 

My 13 year old son is also angry with me, because he senses the tension between his father and I. He asked me to fix everything and make it better fast! He does not like seeing his dad angry. He is scared from the day his father got drunk and went into a rage. I know he fears it will happen again. My heart breaks for him, I feel so guilty for what I have done to my family.

My youngest was around that age too when she finally told me she thought we'd be happier if we D'd. That is when I took the retainer money into my lawyer's office and said where do I sign up. For some kids D makes a happier home in the long run and for others R (reconciliation) seems to make things better. Of course we should always try to work it out but if it doesn't improve then recognize the writing on the wall and move on.

 

And I'm glad he doesn't know you post here. That's better for you as it allows you to be completely honest and to garner the most help for yourself in your healing journey.

 

Good luck with MC today. I really hope there is hope for your M. Hugs to you all.

[witabix]

No, my husband does not know I post here.

 

M/C today, hoping for some effective counseling today. Stuggling to keep it together, husband is not doing well today, and is angry with me as well as asking more questions in detail about OM and myself. Trying to be as open and honest, without hurting him more than I already have. This is tough!

 

My 13 year old son is also angry with me, because he senses the tension between his father and I. He asked me to fix everything and make it better fast! He does not like seeing his dad angry. He is scared from the day his father got drunk and went into a rage. I know he fears it will happen again. My heart breaks for him, I feel so guilty for what I have done to my family.

 

November hope your MC went well.

 

All I can offer here is an insight into male rage for you. I used to be, and sometimes still am, capable of flying into the most frightening rages.

 

I have been the enraged one in a betrayal situation, and I have enraged someone by my betrayal.

 

This is my analysis of how I felt and why.

 

The first thing for you to remember are my rages are my choice. It doesn't look like that to you I know, it is very, very scary, I know that too. If I am honest, it is meant to be scary for you. I am trying to strike so much fear into you that you fall apart in front of me and become so frightened that you cannot do anything but admit to something, or tell me what I want to know, or be so terrified that you won't do anything ever again with him or anyone else.

 

I am trying to protect my view of myself in the most aggressive way I can. Because that is what I feel rage in those circumstances stems from. It is a primal, ape like feeling. It comes from somewhere dark inside of me. Instead of me being able to vocalise it, I scream. I want to do something, not talk. I want to climb up the tallest tree and beat my chest, intimidate. To get my territory back. Grit my teeth and tear someone apart. It is like a drug, an immense, towering high. Leaving you drained when it passes, tired, ashamed, regretting what you have said and done.

 

It is an inability to cope with a bad situation. (Anger, the very word sounds hard edged.) I have said this before to people, and it goes for you too. You are not responsible for the anger, or the terrible things that have been said. They are his responsibility. I never allowed myself to blame her for enraging me. I enraged me, due to my inability to release my feelings in a more civilised fashion.

 

I hope he is, or will be sorry for the threats to you. He probably won't be sorry for any threats he made against the OM.

 

The reason he keeps asking those questions may be to ignite his rage again. I have done that too, like a child with a box matches and a can of petrol (gasoline). To circumvent the rage I can only suggest disclosure, try to take the matches off of the child inside him.

 

Even saying that leaves me unsure about how, how would I have had the rage dissipated? I know that in my case she warned him to get out of the bar he was in before I got there. I was intercepted by a friend who talked me out of it at the time. When I found out she had called him to warn him I was furious again.

 

I think if I had seen in her face, I know that sounds a little airy-fairy, that she was sorry it would have helped.

 

Now that I have spent the time to write this out and read again, I see that it is probably no use at all to you. Maybe, possibly some insight into what rage is and how I think its not your fault. You seem already to have taken ownership of your actions. He has to take the same ownership of his actions to start the healing process.

 

Give him time, show him you are sorry, prove to him that you choose him and your family. It takes time, you have a few fences to mend, and so does he.

 

Angry outbursts, no matter how the person wants to justify them also damage a relationship.

 

I know that I am very sorry for my words, actions and the outcomes from them. I did as much damage as anyone else did in the final analysis.