Torn between lover and husband

[turnera]

Interesting. My MM and I have not had a Dday. We have discussed the great likelihood of him throwing me under the bus and doing all he can to save his marriage. He has however been very clear that he would not accept being monitored studiously or treated like someone who should forever feel guilty.

Every wayward says that until the spouse says do it or leave.

[Owl]

I always swore that if anyone ever cheated on me I'd be gone so fast there'd be a hole in the air where I'd been standing...

 

...turns out that ya don't know what you're gonna do when you get there.

 

Your MM might well feel that way...right up until he realizes its the only chance he's got at recovery...and then finds himself changing his mind on the subject.

 

Ya just don't know til yer there.

 

I totally get that people who have never been through this feel like this is wayyyy outside what they'd expect.

 

And people have tremendously different views on 'privacy' (and how it compares to 'secrecy' for that matter).

 

If your MM has one foot that out the door already, he may well see this as a deal-breaker when the affair comes out and he's expected to take measures like this to reconcile. Or he may change his mind. I've seen it go either way.

 

I can also tell you that I've never seen this be the straw that broke the camel's back and caused a WS to walk away. But I HAVE...on many occasions...seen affairs resume and marriages end because the BS didn't "check up on" the WS, and gave them that "freedom".

[jennie-jennie]

Every wayward says that until the spouse says do it or leave.

 

I didn't when I was the wayward. Neither did I treat my SOs, who were both serial cheaters, like that.

[jennie-jennie]

I always swore that if anyone ever cheated on me I'd be gone so fast there'd be a hole in the air where I'd been standing...

 

...turns out that ya don't know what you're gonna do when you get there.

 

Your MM might well feel that way...right up until he realizes its the only chance he's got at recovery...and then finds himself changing his mind on the subject.

 

Ya just don't know til yer there.

 

I totally get that people who have never been through this feel like this is wayyyy outside what they'd expect.

 

And people have tremendously different views on 'privacy' (and how it compares to 'secrecy' for that matter).

 

If your MM has one foot that out the door already, he may well see this as a deal-breaker when the affair comes out and he's expected to take measures like this to reconcile. Or he may change his mind. I've seen it go either way.

 

I can also tell you that I've never seen this be the straw that broke the camel's back and caused a WS to walk away. But I HAVE...on many occasions...seen affairs resume and marriages end because the BS didn't "check up on" the WS, and gave them that "freedom".

 

I think you are right about my MM, you just don't know until he is in that position.

 

But what I can't get my head around is why the monitoring would be to prefer to the bolded above. If you need to check up on the WS to prevent him/her from resuming the affair, you have no marriage anyway in my opinion.

 

It reminds me of preventing a sober alcoholic from drinking again. It is not until he has the freedom to drink that bottle of wine that is standing in your refrigerator but does not do it, that he is truly sober.

[jennie-jennie]

I didn't when I was the wayward. Neither did I treat my SOs, who were both serial cheaters, like that.

 

Thinking of it, my BS had to work real hard to get me to want to stay in our relationship. It was him doing the work, not I. I was the one on the verge of leaving. He had to prove himself worthy of me staying.

[Owl]

I think you are right about my MM, you just don't know until he is in that position.

 

But what I can't get my head around is why the monitoring would be to prefer to the bolded above. If you need to check up on the WS to prevent him/her from resuming the affair, you have no marriage anyway in my opinion.

 

It reminds me of preventing a sober alcoholic from drinking again. It is not until he has the freedom to drink that bottle of wine that is standing in your refrigerator but does not do it, that he is truly sober.

 

True...but an alchoholic is an addict for LIFE. Most of the time, WS's are "addicted" for a much shorter period of time.

 

And if you want to follow the alchoholic analogy, why do you think they have "sponsors", family members, and others who act as 'accountability partners'? Because in the first stages of dealing with their addictions, knowing someone is watching is what PREVENTS them from seeking out that drink on their own.

 

See where I'm going?

 

As far as why going through that "monitoring" phase is preferable to leaving...you'd have to ask the person who stayed. I'd tell you that my wife tolerated it because she truly loved me, realized that it was something I needed to regain my trust in her, and was willing to do so in order to regain my trust and give our marriage a chance to succeed. And...it worked!

 

It's preferable to someone who actually does love their spouse and opts to stay and work things out. If they didn't love their spouse...I'd agree...they'd probably leave.

[Owl]

Thinking of it, my BS had to work real hard to get me to want to stay in our relationship. It was him doing the work, not I. I was the one on the verge of leaving. He had to prove himself worthy of me staying.

 

I'd tell you that this worked both ways in my own marriage's recovery.

 

She had to regain my trust. I also had to make the changes she felt were needed (which to me were pretty darned minor).

 

If you retained all of the power during the recovery, I'd ask if the two of you actually did have a successful, long term recovery?

[jennie-jennie]

True...but an alchoholic is an addict for LIFE. Most of the time, WS's are "addicted" for a much shorter period of time.

 

And if you want to follow the alchoholic analogy, why do you think they have "sponsors", family members, and others who act as 'accountability partners'? Because in the first stages of dealing with their addictions, knowing someone is watching is what PREVENTS them from seeking out that drink on their own.

 

See where I'm going?

 

No, I don't see where you are going, because what you are describing is completely inaccurate. My exSO has been sober through AA for 25 years so I should know.

 

They do have sponsors they can turn to for support but not for accountability.

 

I was a member of Al-Anon for 8 years, and we learnt hands-off from any accountability or monitoring of the alcoholic.

[jennie-jennie]

I'd tell you that this worked both ways in my own marriage's recovery.

 

She had to regain my trust. I also had to make the changes she felt were needed (which to me were pretty darned minor).

 

If you retained all of the power during the recovery, I'd ask if the two of you actually did have a successful, long term recovery?

 

This was before we had had any of our 3 children. Our oldest daughter is now 25. In fact we were initially not sure if she was his or my OM's. I finally ended our relationship 3 years ago. He still wants me back.

[Passion4Life]

Stop being a cake eater and divorce your H. If you are seeing the OM 3 times a week you probably have nothing to give to your h anyway. I know you don't want to hurt your H and kids but you are already, day after day, week after week. It is only a matter of moments before D-day. Stop being selfish and tell your h and kids what you have done. Let your h decide if he wants to stay with you or not. But, even if he says he wants to stay, what about all the love you have for the OM, why give him up then? Go and be with him.

 

stillafool , I think you are too quick to post your helpful advice to read that now her husband already knows about the affair & she is trying to work it out with her husband . May I ask you why you sound so angry ?

[Owl]

This was before we had had any of our 3 children. Our oldest daughter is now 25. In fact we were initially not sure if she was his or my OM's. I finally ended our relationship 3 years ago. He still wants me back.

 

That means you must be the shizzznitt! Because I can't imagine what it would take to want a woman back after having to guess if your child is yours or another man's as a result of affair(s).

 

And honestly, I'd think he'd be an idiot to try to rebuild a marriage with someone who has cheated multiple times and is now seeing a MM. I've no doubt that you have a lot of great qualities...but these are some major 'red flags' to me.

 

Clearly you must have a lot of awesome qualities that must offset these flags for him. And I truly do mean that honestly and not insultingly.

 

And I'm sorry...I really don't mean this post as harshly as it probably came across.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you feel similarly about me and my "controlling behaviors"!

[jennie-jennie]

That means you must be the shizzznitt! Because I can't imagine what it would take to want a woman back after having to guess if your child is yours or another man's as a result of affair(s).

 

And honestly, I'd think he'd be an idiot to try to rebuild a marriage with someone who has cheated multiple times and is now seeing a MM. I've no doubt that you have a lot of great qualities...but these are some major 'red flags' to me.

 

Clearly you must have a lot of awesome qualities that must offset these flags for him. And I truly do mean that honestly and not insultingly.

 

And I'm sorry...I really don't mean this post as harshly as it probably came across.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you feel similarly about me and my "controlling behaviors"!

 

Who said I cheated multiple times? I never did again during the decades our relationship lasted. I am loyal to a fault.

 

We're good, Owl.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can't disregard the OM feelings here that's all.

 

yes.......we can.

[Dexter Morgan]

No, it is not. Either she loves him or she does not. That fact is not going to change because he monitors her.

 

Not saying monitoring is going to change whether she loves him or not. (but I'd venture not since she isn't willing to put up with an uncomfortable period in her life after what she did to him)

 

but he's just been handed a devestating blow. right now this is what HE THINKS he needs to do. He trusted her before and look where it got him.

 

His irrational need to monitor will subside over time. I take exception to the fact that NR handed him this blow, he has to carry this hurt, but she doesn't want to suffer anything in the short term. She just wants it swept under the rug and the devestation she caused the H is unfair to her...

[Dexter Morgan]

But she does not have a chance to show her trustworthiness. She doesn't have a chance to cheat on him. He is guarding her like you do a dangerous criminal who at any moment might commit a crime and you need to be there to stop him/her.

 

To prove her trustworthiness she has to have the possibility to cheat and not do it.

 

no, she needs to show that being an open book doesn't bother her. Obviously it does

[HURT LOVER]

yes.......we can.

 

Dexter Morgan it's funny how you pick a sociopathy as Screen Name. Being the OM with a MW is without doubt not a good at all. I took my respondsibility for what I did. Bottom line weather you want to hear this or not, more than likely not. NR was missing something in her life that the H was not fulfulling for her. Unfortunately she seeked out a way to fulfill that void. I guess everyone is to blame here ha? Because if things were good on the home front why would the NR or my MW step out. I think everyone needed to step back and re evaluate their situations in their marriage.

 

Oh and another thing giving the OM contact information I never agreed with. But I do understand NR gaining the trust of her H by telling him that that OM tried to contact her. Especially when the H may want to confront him more than likely. I guess I was never much for being punching bag. I never will.

[HURT LOVER]

I agree. This isn't about the OM. OM knew she was married. I can't remember, but he may be married himself. Regardless, if the OM wants sympathy, he can come to LS and start his own thread.

 

WHAT EVER ;;; If your relationship was so tight why are you on the site? Why are any of you on this site. Tightend up your Marriage do what needs to be done so your mate does not stray or want out the marriage. Real talk weather you want to hear it or not. None of the post I've read mention that. Once again I'm not up holding what I did , I know I was wrong. Hate on me.

Edited June 2, 2010 by HURT LOVER

[bentnotbroken]

Dexter Morgan it's funny how you pick a sociopathy as Screen Name. Being the OM with a MW is without doubt not a good at all. I took my respondsibility for what I did. Bottom line weather you want to hear this or not, more than likely not. NR was missing something in her life that the H was not fulfulling for her. Unfortunately she seeked out a way to fulfill that void. I guess everyone is to blame here ha? Because if things were good on the home front why would the NR or my MW step out. I think everyone needed to step back and re evaluate their situations in their marriage.

 

Oh and another thing giving the OM contact information I never agreed with. But I do understand NR gaining the trust of her H by telling him that that OM tried to contact her. Especially when the H may want to confront him more than likely. I guess I was never much for being punching bag. I never will.

 

 

Possibly something was broken in the marriage. Definately something wasn't right in the marriage and NR. Seeking something outside a marriage isn't so much a sign of marital discord(though could be) as a sign that there are certainly limited coping skills on the side doing the stepping out. That includes the person you were involved with. Any situation in a marriage can be re-evaluated, if one chooses without cheating. They aren't mutually exclusive. Two to blame for marital problems, only the one cheating responsible for cheating. And a screen name doesn't describe a person. Check out some of the other screen names and see if that statement holds true.

[bentnotbroken]

WHAT EVER ;;; If your relationship was so tight why are you on the site? Why are any of you on this site. Tightend up your Marriage do what needs to be done so your mate does not stray or want out the marriage. Real talk weather you want to hear it or not. None of the post I've read mention that. Once again I'm not up holding what I did , I know I was wrong. Hate on me.

 

 

Explain why I didn't cheat if what you are saying is the reason people cheat. I'd love to hear what you think.

[Chrome Barracuda]

people cheat, even in good marriages, hurt lover. it's not the marriage, its the person cheating was a choice.

 

Your the OM who was used and discarded when she found no need for you. You fell for the okey doke.

 

What you need to do and realize that there are SINGLE women out here for you to deal with. why the f would you want drama in your life by dealing with a woman who isnt yours and is already taken to begin with, do you get off on it?

 

It's really pathetic that you as a single man pining all over a woman who doesnt give a damn about you. It's over.

 

Oh she broke my heart, she's married, i thought we'd be together forever.

blah, blah, blah.

 

That's right SHE'S MARRIED, what part of that do YOU not understand?

Edited June 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HURT LOVER]

people cheat, even in good marriages, hurt lover. it's not the marriage, its the person cheating was a choice.

 

Your the OM who was used and discarded when she found no need for you. You fell for the okey doke.

 

What you need to do and realize that there are SINGLE women out here for you to deal with. why the f would you want drama in your life by dealing with a woman who isnt yours and is already taken to begin with, do you get off on it?

 

It's really pathetic that you as a single man pining all over a woman who doesnt give a damn about you. All you were was a dildo with a pulse. own it. embrace it and move on. It's over.

 

Oh she broke my heart, she's married, i thought we'd be together forever.

blah, blah, blah.

 

That's right SHE'S MARRIED, what part of that do YOU not understand?

 

First of all I owned up to my mistake. Do I get off being with a Married Women, Hell F****** NO I Do NOT GET OFF ON THAT. Something that just happened. And your right I did get used. Trust and believe it will never happen again to me.

[HURT LOVER]

Explain why I didn't cheat if what you are saying is the reason people cheat. I'd love to hear what you think.

 

It's good that you didn't cheat. What I'm saying is there is something wrong in the marriage for the H or W to stray that's all.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's good that you didn't cheat. What I'm saying is there is something wrong in the marriage for the H or W to stray that's all.

 

NO!!!

 

Cheating was a choice. apparently you still dont get it. People in good marriage even succumb to temptation, why must it be a bad place for people to cheat?

 

I treated my girlfriend great when we was together but hey guess what she cheated on me, was it my fault hell f-ing no. It was her choice! Period!

[HURT LOVER]

The question is why are YOU on this thread? You are not NR's OM. This thread is about NR and her marriage, not her OM. Her OM knew exactly what he was getting into. Why are you projecting your situation and your anger into her thread?

And no, something didn't just happen. You made choices all along the way. Anyway...

Perhaps if you don't have anything else of value to contribute to NR, you should move on.

 

I was actually addressing Chrome Barracuda responds. My advice to NR was to think if she really wants to stay married if not she needs to move on. I'm not angry either. Thank you for the advice of moving on.

[bentnotbroken]

It's good that you didn't cheat. What I'm saying is there is something wrong in the marriage for the H or W to stray that's all.

 

 

Yes, there was something wrong in my marriage. There was something even wrong with me. Did I need love and affection, sure did. I am sure everyone needs those things to a point....I just didn't need it to the point of cheating. It was a choice I made to not go that route.