Torn between lover and husband

[Dexter Morgan]

Those visions may go away, enough not to be intense and vibrant, but he'll always have triggers.

 

ya, this is what I meant

[Dexter Morgan]

OK, my thought is pretty basic.

 

There are some things that you can "insist" on as part of recovery, and some you cannot.

 

They way that NR's husband is saying "you'll come home and have *** or else"...that I just find revolting, demeaning, and honestly almost hateful.

 

questinon is, was he this way BEFORE his wife cheated on him. My guess is no.

 

 

That's clearly not the way to rebuild anything...I don't care who you are or what the situation is.

 

 

I agree, however, NR basically inflicted mental cruelty on him by cheating. He isn't thinking clearly right now. I sure wasn't when I found out(although I didn't demand sex because she disgusted me after that)

 

When a betrayal like this happens, people tend to go off the deep end. Most snap out of it, some don't.

 

 

I think that NR's marriage may well not be recoverable. It sounds to me as though her H simply isn't going to be able to forgive and focus on reconciliation...it sounds to me like he wants revenge or payback on her more than anything else.

 

Given that...I think that seperation IS the right way to go.

 

I agree, she has done enough to him, he needs to get away from her, whether he thinks that is best for him or not, so he can start to heal himself.

 

 

Either he realizes what he's doing and makes changes...or she moves on.

 

Yes, I know she's the fWS. That doesn't give her H the right to treat her this way. He needs to change what he's doing...or she needs to walk away.

 

would you agree that a "little" monitoring and expectations of her whereabouts in the short term are reasonable? I realize what he is doing is over the top, and in my opinion a cheating spouse isn't worth the ulcers and headache to have to desperately keep tabs on them all day long.

 

 

If he can finally see what he's doing, change it...then perhaps reconciliation could be possible. But I don't believe it is with his current mindset and attitude.

 

not with his current mindset and attitude no. but I was the same way as he was. I was furious, desperate, hurt, and feeling like I needed to lash out. For me, that was very short lived and I calmed down within a matter of weeks, started thinking clearly. And this might happen with him. I'm sure this is still fresh for him and he is in shock. A cheating wife can take the most normal, calm man and turn him into a madman....at least for a while.

 

but again, I liken a cheating spouse to inflicting mental cruelty on the BS. It turns your whole world upside down....unless the BS doesn't give a crap. So I definitely sympathize with how he is acting, because its like he is going through a trauma. But you are right, this can't continue. thats no way to live, especially for him.

[JustJoe]

I agree with Hoot, that this marriage may not be recoverable, but since NR is the cheater, it is incumbent on HER to make the maximum effort. Yes, her H needs to, at some point, begin to realize that she is totally re-committed, and can gradually be trusted again, but he clearly isn't to that point yet. NR needs to have patience, IDK how long it will take, or when the sex will be enjoyable again (if ever), but the bottom line for NR is that she needs to focus on her H and kids, and not worry so much about how H's behavior is cramping her style. NR, you MUST make it clear, that the OM is no longer in the picture, in any way you can. Throw him under the bus, kick him in the face, spit on his grave, whatever it takes, because your H will never trust you until he is sure in his own mind that the OM is history, PERMANENTLY.

[Owl]

questinon is, was he this way BEFORE his wife cheated on him. My guess is no.

 

Actually, that's not the question. What was "before" the affair is what it was...the both of them have to deal with what IS...not what WAS.

 

What he's doing NOW is wrong, and is completely hindering any forward movement...regardless of the "why" or "what caused it".

 

 

 

I agree, however, NR basically inflicted mental cruelty on him by cheating. He isn't thinking clearly right now. I sure wasn't when I found out(although I didn't demand sex because she disgusted me after that)

 

When a betrayal like this happens, people tend to go off the deep end. Most snap out of it, some don't.

 

Agreed. But he doesn't seem to be snapping out of it. And regardless of the trauma, that doesn't excuse abusive treatment or behaviors. What he is doing now IS abusive...again, regardless of WHY it's happening, that doesn't justify the treatment or make it 'ok'. It needs to end, or NR needs to take action to remove herself from the abusive situation.

 

 

I agree, she has done enough to him, he needs to get away from her, whether he thinks that is best for him or not, so he can start to heal himself.

 

She's done her part, she regrets it, and she made an honest effort to reconcile. Again, stop focusing on what WAS, and start focusing on the problem at hand NOW. You're still focusing all this anger and hatred on her, rather than addressing BOTH sides of the problem, my friend.

 

would you agree that a "little" monitoring and expectations of her whereabouts in the short term are reasonable? I realize what he is doing is over the top, and in my opinion a cheating spouse isn't worth the ulcers and headache to have to desperately keep tabs on them all day long.

 

I agree that the 'monitoring' and his requirement to be an 'open book' are completely reasonable and expected. His insecurities after what happened are also to be expected.

 

He does need to stop dragging the kids into the middle of the 'monitoring' however.

 

But other than that...of course it's reasonable.

 

 

not with his current mindset and attitude no. but I was the same way as he was. I was furious, desperate, hurt, and feeling like I needed to lash out. For me, that was very short lived and I calmed down within a matter of weeks, started thinking clearly. And this might happen with him. I'm sure this is still fresh for him and he is in shock. A cheating wife can take the most normal, calm man and turn him into a madman....at least for a while.

 

Agreed. But there's still a LIMIT in how far you should allow that anger/hurt/pain push you.

 

It doesn't give you carte blanch to become abusive...PERIOD.

 

DEMANDING her to come home and 'make love' (gag) or he leaves IS abusive.

 

Just because someone hurt you doesn't make it ok for you to try to hurt them back...I hope that most of our momma's taught us that long ago.

 

 

but again, I liken a cheating spouse to inflicting mental cruelty on the BS. It turns your whole world upside down....unless the BS doesn't give a crap. So I definitely sympathize with how he is acting, because its like he is going through a trauma. But you are right, this can't continue. thats no way to live, especially for him.

 

 

I agree that cheating is heaping a huge amount of mental anguish and trauma on the BS....been there, got the t-shirt. And I completely agree that this gives the BS the right to walk away and end the relationshp at that point.

 

Frankly, it's what he needs to do if he can't manage to heal and stop abusing her for her actions.

[Dexter Morgan]

Agreed. But he doesn't seem to be snapping out of it.

 

well it hasn't been that long has it? it may take a month or two to snap out of it.

 

 

 

And regardless of the trauma, that doesn't excuse abusive treatment or behaviors. What he is doing now IS abusive...again, regardless of WHY it's happening, that doesn't justify the treatment or make it 'ok'. It needs to end, or NR needs to take action to remove herself from the abusive situation.

 

 

i can go along with that, just like he should have just removed himself from the abuse at the hands of a cheating spouse.

 

 

She's done her part, she regrets it, and she made an honest effort to reconcile.

 

well, gee, that works well for her, but he still has to carry the hurt around for a LONG time.

 

regret doesn't take away the pain.

 

 

Again, stop focusing on what WAS, and start focusing on the problem at hand NOW. You're still focusing all this anger and hatred on her, rather than addressing BOTH sides of the problem, my friend.

 

sorry, but I agree that his actions are over the top, I don't condone them at all, but understand the hurt she has caused that brought it about. He is hurting...she caused this.

 

and it just seemed funny to me that she can mentally abuse him like that by cheating, therefore giving him something to think about for some time to come, but she can't handle his reaction to what she has done in the short term.

 

Again, I don't think its been that long, I think he will snap out of it and grow tired of feeling the need to check up on an unfaithful wife.

 

He is in shock right now, most of what he is doing will pass and probably only simple run of the mill cynicism will remain when its all said and done.

 

 

He does need to stop dragging the kids into the middle of the 'monitoring' however.

 

I TOTALLY agree with that!

 

 

Agreed. But there's still a LIMIT in how far you should allow that anger/hurt/pain push you.

 

It doesn't give you carte blanch to become abusive...PERIOD.

 

well then I guess they can both now be considered abusers.

 

DEMANDING her to come home and 'make love' (gag) or he leaves IS abusive.

 

that is unacceptable. but he more than likely feels like less than a man is going about trying to prove himself the wrong way with that path.

 

 

 

I agree that cheating is heaping a huge amount of mental anguish and trauma on the BS....been there, got the t-shirt. And I completely agree that this gives the BS the right to walk away and end the relationshp at that point.

 

which is what he should have done, but every time I suggest that, I get an earful about it:o

 

 

Frankly, it's what he needs to do if he can't manage to heal and stop abusing her for her actions.

 

you mean abusing her for her abuse. I agree, I think he needs to just leave for his sake. A better life awaits him. Not one of feeling the need to check up on a cheater.

[November-Rain]

My husband has decided for the time being not to leave me. He also apologized for what he said about only coming home if I had sex with him.

 

My efforts to hopefully gain my husbands trust again, will continue. I feel lost and full of internal turmoil. I want to be a good wife again. The thought of ever being close to him seems impossible at this time. Do I make any sense?

 

I know my husband is now a different man. I know I did this to him, I am very sorry about that. He has steadily even begun to drink again. I thought maybe he could handle it, but I think slowly it is becoming a daily habit. When I first met my husband he was a heavy drinker and smoker (whisky and beer) everything I was not. About 1 year before we married he stopped drinking and smoking, cold turkey! He had said he wanted to live a life without any addictions. My children have never known him to drink or smoke, I know they get scared whenever they see him open a bottle of beer, they are afraid he will react the same way he did on Dday.

[Passion4Life]

My husband has decided for the time being not to leave me. He also apologized for what he said about only coming home if I had sex with him.

 

My efforts to hopefully gain my husbands trust again, will continue. I feel lost and full of internal turmoil. I want to be a good wife again. The thought of ever being close to him seems impossible at this time. Do I make any sense?

 

I know my husband is now a different man. I know I did this to him, I am very sorry about that. He has steadily even begun to drink again. I thought maybe he could handle it, but I think slowly it is becoming a daily habit. When I first met my husband he was a heavy drinker and smoker (whisky and beer) everything I was not. About 1 year before we married he stopped drinking and smoking, cold turkey! He had said he wanted to live a life without any addictions. My children have never known him to drink or smoke, I know they get scared whenever they see him open a bottle of beer, they are afraid he will react the same way he did on Dday.

 

The thought of ever being close to him seems impossible at this time. Do I make any sense?

 

November-Rain as you have mentioned that many times in your post may I ask you is there any particular reason why you feel that way ? is it because of OM or your husband has done something in past ?

[turnera]

He's a cop, right? Is he seeking therapy with the police-sponsored mental health regime?

[November-Rain]

The thought of ever being close to him seems impossible at this time. Do I make any sense?

 

November-Rain as you have mentioned that many times in your post may I ask you is there any particular reason why you feel that way ? is it because of OM or your husband has done something in past ?

 

If I'm going to be completely honest here, which is not that easy to admit to, I would have to say that throughout my marriage my husband and I have been very good friends/partners and share the same views and beliefs in almost everything. We manage our money, household duties, etc. very well. Now, what I believe we have lacked in, is in being sexually compatible. I have always felt that even when we were dating. That should of been a red flag at the time, but I ignored it, because I believed every other wonderful quality in my husband would surpass the lack of sexual chemistry between us. Yes, I know we have three children, one would think there is chemistry between us. However, almost everytime I've had sex with my husband has been out of my duty as a wife to satisfy his needs as a man. I can tell you with all honesty I have found almost no pleasure in it at all. But, if you would ask my husband he would say it hasn't been the greatest, but enough to stay committed in which obviously I did not! I strayed with someone from my past and the sex was just as wonderful as it was before my marriage to my husband, The relationship with OM has always been good, but then again I never lived with him, and of course I never had to go through what one does when married to someone for as long as I have.

 

I have made matters worse by cheating on my husband, not only did I betray his trust, but I also cannot bring myself to be the wife he deserves because of the intimacy I do not desire with him. Is this in any way fixable? Can a marriage survive with what I have just mentioned?

[RegardingMe]

I am so sad for your children. Do you have them in counseling for the affects of your cheating. They also get to see your husbands slide into self destruction as a result of your betrayal. Get the man into rehab.

 

Please stop whining about his lack of trust in you after a only a month of finding out. Did you get over a decade to create this mess. Even if you weren't physically with the OM. Weren't you in a EA?

 

Great job here Mom!

[November-Rain]

I agree with Hoot, that this marriage may not be recoverable, but since NR is the cheater, it is incumbent on HER to make the maximum effort. Yes, her H needs to, at some point, begin to realize that she is totally re-committed, and can gradually be trusted again, but he clearly isn't to that point yet. NR needs to have patience, IDK how long it will take, or when the sex will be enjoyable again (if ever), but the bottom line for NR is that she needs to focus on her H and kids, and not worry so much about how H's behavior is cramping her style. NR, you MUST make it clear, that the OM is no longer in the picture, in any way you can. Throw him under the bus, kick him in the face, spit on his grave, whatever it takes, because your H will never trust you until he is sure in his own mind that the OM is history, PERMANENTLY.

 

Yes JustJoe, you are right, I have re-read my last few posts and I seem to sound a bit impatient and selfish. I shouldn't be so worried about how my husband is cramping my lifestyle I am the one who brought this on. My life is hell at the moment, hopefully within time things will get better.

 

I make it as clear as possible everyday and everytime he asks me, that in no way is OM involved in my life.

[whichwayisup]

Now, what I believe we have lacked in, is in being sexually compatible. I have always felt that even when we were dating. That should of been a red flag at the time, but I ignored it, because I believed every other wonderful quality in my husband would surpass the lack of sexual chemistry between us.

 

Question is, since you never felt "it" for your H, even when dating and choosing to marry him, can you find "it" now for him? He may be a great dad, wonderful loving husband - But lacks in the sex department for you - HOW can you affair proof your marriage, affair proof you so there's no cheating in the future? 5-10 years from now? Or, is what you have with your husband in general more important than having hot sex and a great sex life? These are all questions you need to ask yourself, commit to a decision and stick to it. Your H won't put up with cheating again, you'll be out and a D will happen asap.

 

Do counselling and talk to your husband. Ask him to go to counselling with you.

[November-Rain]

Question is, since you never felt "it" for your H, even when dating and choosing to marry him, can you find "it" now for him? He may be a great dad, wonderful loving husband - But lacks in the sex department for you - HOW can you affair proof your marriage, affair proof you so there's no cheating in the future? 5-10 years from now? Or, is what you have with your husband in general more important than having hot sex and a great sex life? These are all questions you need to ask yourself, commit to a decision and stick to it. Your H won't put up with cheating again, you'll be out and a D will happen asap.

 

Do counselling and talk to your husband. Ask him to go to counselling with you.

 

I would like to think that what I have had with my husband by far is much more important than a great sex life. I am certain he would not put up with any sort of cheating and would divorce me in a heartbeat if any sign of any other man other than him would interfere with the re-connection process. Now sticking to it is what I'm trying to achieve. I've had no contact with OM and the temptation to hear from him has been challenging, however I know the consequences, I dare not!

 

We were going to MC, he decided not to go anymore. He told me last night that he wants me to be the one to show all the effort needed to fix the mistakes I have made. I don't think it was a wise decision, but then again I feel I should go with what he thinks will resolve his insecurities I brought on.

[Passion4Life]

I would like to think that what I have had with my husband by far is much more important than a great sex life. I am certain he would not put up with any sort of cheating and would divorce me in a heartbeat if any sign of any other man other than him would interfere with the re-connection process. Now sticking to it is what I'm trying to achieve. I've had no contact with OM and the temptation to hear from him has been challenging, however I know the consequences, I dare not!

 

We were going to MC, he decided not to go anymore. He told me last night that he wants me to be the one to show all the effort needed to fix the mistakes I have made. I don't think it was a wise decision, but then again I feel I should go with what he thinks will resolve his insecurities I brought on.

 

NR I think whatever the outcome may be , but you will always know that you honestly made your maximum effort to try to fix this.

 

 

Best of luck

[MorningCoffee]

I would like to think that what I have had with my husband by far is much more important than a great sex life. I am certain he would not put up with any sort of cheating and would divorce me in a heartbeat if any sign of any other man other than him would interfere with the re-connection process. Now sticking to it is what I'm trying to achieve. I've had no contact with OM and the temptation to hear from him has been challenging, however I know the consequences, I dare not!

 

We were going to MC, he decided not to go anymore. He told me last night that he wants me to be the one to show all the effort needed to fix the mistakes I have made. I don't think it was a wise decision, but then again I feel I should go with what he thinks will resolve his insecurities I brought on.

 

I do not know what you or your H may believe, but I have read that the three essentials to a successful M or LTR are 1, passion, 2, intimacy and 3, commitment.

 

I know married couples who, no matter what might have been in the past, have nothing left but the commitment. And they are gamely making a go of it.

 

OK for them. To me, that sounds like purgatory. For me, if there is no passion and intimacy, then the R is not worth saving. That's just me. How about you?

[Mombot]

If there is no passion, it's not worth saving, I agree.

[lkjh]

Your H is right, you are the one that needs to put all of the effort into fixing this marriage and except 100% of the blame.

 

There are going to be people on here who disagree but lets be honest.....its because you continue to post on the OW/OM forum where cheaters are a bit more concentrated.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Your H is right, you are the one that needs to put all of the effort into fixing this marriage and except 100% of the blame.

 

There are going to be people on here who disagree but lets be honest.....its because you continue to post on the OW/OM forum where cheaters are a bit more concentrated.

You are right! I don't agree with you. (And I'm not a cheater.)

Of course NR has to repair the damage she's done.

But something in the M sent her to OM in the first place. I don't think NR can fix that on her own. Nor should she just lie there like a dutiful wife and take it from her H since he isn't willing to work on their problems, including sexual ones.

If the foundation of the M is broken, fixing the front door still leaves a broken foundation.

From what I've read in this thread, I wonder how long these two are going to continue to tortue each other before they realize they've wasted a lot of time inflicting pain, but going nowhere.

Edited June 11, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[jennie-jennie]

If I'm going to be completely honest here, which is not that easy to admit to, I would have to say that throughout my marriage my husband and I have been very good friends/partners and share the same views and beliefs in almost everything. We manage our money, household duties, etc. very well. Now, what I believe we have lacked in, is in being sexually compatible. I have always felt that even when we were dating. That should of been a red flag at the time, but I ignored it, because I believed every other wonderful quality in my husband would surpass the lack of sexual chemistry between us. Yes, I know we have three children, one would think there is chemistry between us. However, almost everytime I've had sex with my husband has been out of my duty as a wife to satisfy his needs as a man. I can tell you with all honesty I have found almost no pleasure in it at all. But, if you would ask my husband he would say it hasn't been the greatest, but enough to stay committed in which obviously I did not! I strayed with someone from my past and the sex was just as wonderful as it was before my marriage to my husband, The relationship with OM has always been good, but then again I never lived with him, and of course I never had to go through what one does when married to someone for as long as I have.

 

I have made matters worse by cheating on my husband, not only did I betray his trust, but I also cannot bring myself to be the wife he deserves because of the intimacy I do not desire with him. Is this in any way fixable? Can a marriage survive with what I have just mentioned?

 

You can not fix what was never there in the first place. The lack of intimacy and desire is not going to get better.

[JustJoe]

NR, you are crawfishing. You husband did NONE of this. If you felt no "spark", for him when you married him, and still went through with it, then who's fault is that? His? He took you at face value, trouble is, you've never been, what you appeared to be. So.....Your marriage vows were a lie from the git-go. Why do women do this? If I had no desire for a woman, I wouldn't marry her, even if she were the Queen of Sheba!! Jeez! So NOW you want to fix it? NOW, after you cheated and lied almost from day one? And you have the crust to complain about HIS behavior? Every problem in your "marriage", is your fault, and yours alone. How can you ever fix this? Even if you have no contact with the other man, you are still living a lie, with your husband, and still dooming him to a marriage, with a person, who has never truly love him, as a life partner should. I know that I'm sounding harsh, and I don't want to judge you, but Jeez, you really, really, really need to put your big-girl panties on, and stop playing with other peoples feelings. After all of this , you owe him the truth, marriage or not, divorce or not, affair or not, YOU OWE HIM THE TRUTH.

[JustJoe]

Listen, November rain, I truly don't believe that you are a bad person, just an incredibly immature one. The only good thing that you can do for your H is to be truthful with him and at least allow him the right to say whether or not he is willing to stay with you. If the marriage ends, then both of you should try to be mature and cooperate, for the raising of the children. Divorce isn't as traumatic for kids, as once thought. If you two can exercise good judgement with regards to their upbringing, they will adapt and accept the situation, and be OK. Then both you and your H can find someone who will love and respect each of you, for your own merits.

[White Flower]

 

I have made matters worse by cheating on my husband, not only did I betray his trust, but I also cannot bring myself to be the wife he deserves because of the intimacy I do not desire with him. Is this in any way fixable? Can a marriage survive with what I have just mentioned?

I know this won't sound popular with most here, but I have to say that NO you cannot fix what is missing. You tried for years it didn't work. You tried an A, and it didn't bring passion to your M. You tried. Period.

 

MM asked the same question and his IC told him the same thing: You cannot create chemistry. And if intimacy (the emotional and spiritual bonding) isn't there already it won't have a great chance now, especially given there is no chemistry.

 

I won't agree with the others and say it was your fault for M him when you knew this. ALL women have the TENDENCY to hope and wish for better things in the future. We tend to M a man's potential rather than accepting him for who he is NOW. A terrible mistake, but one we can learn from. So, you're pretty much in the same boat with 99% of all women dear, don't beat yourself up or let other posters beat you up. Men also M into their misconceptions about women too so we're all in the same boat.

 

Your H should be in counseling if he really wants this to work OR if he wants the split to be a smooth transition for the kids.

 

Best of luck to you.

[witabix]

If I'm going to be completely honest here, which is not that easy to admit to, I would have to say that throughout my marriage my husband and I have been very good friends/partners and share the same views and beliefs in almost everything. We manage our money, household duties, etc. very well. Now, what I believe we have lacked in, is in being sexually compatible. I have always felt that even when we were dating. That should of been a red flag at the time, but I ignored it, because I believed every other wonderful quality in my husband would surpass the lack of sexual chemistry between us. Yes, I know we have three children, one would think there is chemistry between us. However, almost everytime I've had sex with my husband has been out of my duty as a wife to satisfy his needs as a man. I can tell you with all honesty I have found almost no pleasure in it at all. But, if you would ask my husband he would say it hasn't been the greatest, but enough to stay committed in which obviously I did not! I strayed with someone from my past and the sex was just as wonderful as it was before my marriage to my husband, The relationship with OM has always been good, but then again I never lived with him, and of course I never had to go through what one does when married to someone for as long as I have.

 

I have made matters worse by cheating on my husband, not only did I betray his trust, but I also cannot bring myself to be the wife he deserves because of the intimacy I do not desire with him. Is this in any way fixable? Can a marriage survive with what I have just mentioned?

 

This seems to me to be the crux of the matter. Marrying for something other than mad sexual passion is fine. Finding out that you need more is also ok.

 

I broke the trust in my M and we tried to get over it. The M lasted another five/six years. But it was broken, and I was the one who broke it. She never trusted me again, even though I did nothing wrong again. Can't blame her for that.

 

Even if the christian name came up again she would flash. I could never reassure her enough. We moved far away, I changed jobs, but it didn't work. The resentment went on to the extent that when my children were grown up they asked me about it. I told them the truth, all of it. It is a horrible thing to have to do, but cheating has a way of never letting you rest. My kids have gotten over it, very quickly actually, and its not an issue between us. As adults they have a realistic view of the world. So don't have any fear for your kids, in time, when they are old enough they will understand.

 

As for your husband, refusal to cooperate, drinking etc are all just an inability to cope. He is a police officer, I think that is correct, I would imagine that involves a fair amount of testosterone. Not an aid to thinking clearly. His actions are ultimately self destructive. However, regardless of what anyone will tell, it is not your fault that he is behaving this way. He is an adult. He must choose to work it out his way. If he chooses destruction over construction that is his choice. Your previous actions are in no way the 'cause' of his mindset. He must make the leap from angered/jilted spouse to still caring father and he must care for himself also.

 

In his mind now is a mass of confusion and hurt. Along with that he probably realises, from what I have read here, that the M was going nowhere. Instead of being in control, he let go of the wheel, as you did. He committed an act omission, you committed an act of commission.

 

I imagine he is in control when he is at work, the nature of his job, that may have left him with no desire to exercise control at home, instead relinquishing it to you. Not realising that you were in the position you were in.

 

That loss of control may well be what is driving him up the wall now. Thinking that his patch wasn't invaded by another man, it was offered to another man. It is easy to see why jilted spouses act irrationally, and with anger, it is easy. Given all of that it is still not your responsibilty to fix him or his thinking. He may not be able to forgive you, and you mustn't blame him for that. If you truly want him to forgive you, you have to wait until he either does calm down (I believe he has only had a few weeks) or he just sticks to the downward spiral of internal destruction.

 

Perhaps think of it like a wound. It takes time to heal, it still hurts and itches while it is healing. Sometimes it never heals completely, too much damage leaves permanent injury.

 

I hope both of you find a way through this. You are both independent human beings. You can only really look after yourself, and your children. Guilt will not help you heal the situation. Recognising what is actually, really, truthfully between you will be the road sign that you need to follow.

[lkjh]

You are right! I don't agree with you. (And I'm not a cheater.)

Of course NR has to repair the damage she's done.

But something in the M sent her to OM in the first place. I don't think NR can fix that on her own. Nor should she just lie there like a dutiful wife and take it from her H since he isn't willing to work on their problems, including sexual ones.

If the foundation of the M is broken, fixing the front door still leaves a broken foundation.

From what I've read in this thread, I wonder how long these two are going to continue to tortue each other before they realize they've wasted a lot of time inflicting pain, but going nowhere.

 

Sorry but I can't agree with the bolded section. People are capable of processing thought and making their own decisions. Trying to say something drove you to do something is just shifting the blame.

 

If something was wrong in the marriage she could have seeked MC, talked to friends, talked to her H, read books on it, and so on....... Instead she cheated and that is 100% on her

 

 

There is no external force that drove her to it. She made a conscious decision and she made it many times.

 

Plenty of people cheat for no reason and then they freak out when their marriage is ruined by it. They go through phases like blaming the spouse, rewriting history to justify the cheating and flat out trying to victimize themselves.

 

If there was something wrong with NR's marriage she could have handled it 100's of different ways but she chose to cheat.

 

Also, have you noticed that she kept saying how good her H was before this and now all she can come up with is "there was no spark". Well there will never be a spark now and it a couple years she will still be on this site telling people stories about her marriage and divorce(most likely).

 

 

Some people are just selfish. They don't have what it takes to be in a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately in the US that number is rising.

[JustJoe]

I don't agree with you, WF. This OP hasn't been square with her H from day one, and her H has been square with her. So.. considering that she has never had any desire for him, and that she has never told him so, and then there's that pesky affair business, how can you expect him to put anything into a marriage , especially when he doesn't even know about her mis-representations? This is the disclosure/non-disclosure thing all over again. He is being asked to fix a marriage that his wife has been deceitful about from the beginning. It would be like telling a Doctor to heal a patient, without knowing what is wrong, in the first place. How is any of this fair to her H? In my opinion, this isn't a marriage but a collection of lies. For both their sakes it should end.