Torn between lover and husband

[bentnotbroken]

Your right I have been the OM. Like I said earlier I know how it feels to be the OM. I can say I would never put myself in that position ever again. Yes I knew the deal with her being Married. Just never expected to fall in love with her.

 

 

Again that all on you. She didn't command you to fall for anything. That was your lack of judgement and control.

[turnera]

I know. He stated that when he first joined.

I know, but not everyone reads everything, and may take his comments with a different understanding. Just trying to keep everyone honest.

[bentnotbroken]

I know, but not everyone reads everything, and may take his comments with a different understanding. Just trying to keep everyone honest.

 

 

Gotcha....

[HURT LOVER]

Again that all on you. She didn't command you to fall for anything. That was your lack of judgement and control.

 

You are so right it was on me. But I won't go that road ever again. I still stand by what I said earlier. MW need to take respondsibility for their action toward the OM. I hope your marriages or what ever you have never end or you end up being the OW OR OM . I guess I'm hated for awhile on MW who cheat. You all have you opinons, I damn sure got mines. Always will.

[whichwayisup]

But she feed him more and more to keep getting what she wanted. He fell for the lies. So why put the OM in the firing lane? All I'm saying is she hurt alot of people in the process of being selfish. You can't disregard the OM feelings here that's all.

 

He chose to believe a married woman. A woman who continually lied to her H to keep the A going, until it had to end. Sure, the OM is hurting, but he needs to let go and focus on healing. She asked for NC, he has to respect that and leave her alone. When anyone asks for space, NC, etc, one has to respect that request, reguardless of the situation or who the players involved are.

 

How is she putting the OM in the firing lane by ignoring him?

or do you mean if she shows her H the email/text, and he chooses to respond, that's putting OM in the firing lane? Sorry, but it's his own fault (OM) since he knows that NC is in place. He reached out, for whatever reason and she has a right to ignore it, show it to her, and together they decide what to do, how to handle it.

 

The OM is a big boy, not a child. And yes, she was selfish, but so was the OM. He knew going in she was married, so he is NOT an innocent victim. HE chose to enter an A with a MW and chose to believe her. She cannot be at fault for his choices..He has to own that. Not her.

[izzi]

edit..didnt read the whole thread..

Edited June 2, 2010 by izzi
delete

[White Flower]

November Rain, hang in there and ignore any nastiness you read here. I think it took guts to put your story out there so please weed out the hate and find the tools you need.

 

Big hugs to you.

[jennie-jennie]

did he do this BEFORE she cheated?

 

no

 

the need for knowing where she is because she definitely gave him reason not to trust her will subside over time. he just found out his wife is a cheater. Thats pretty devestating and I'm sure he is still in shock.

 

She broke the trust, period. He won't want to keep tabs on her for long, but its understandable why he wants to now.

 

No, it is not. Either she loves him or she does not. That fact is not going to change because he monitors her.

[bentnotbroken]

You are so right it was on me. But I won't go that road ever again. I still stand by what I said earlier. MW need to take respondsibility for their action toward the OM. I hope your marriages or what ever you have never end or you end up being the OW OR OM . I guess I'm hated for awhile on MW who cheat. You all have you opinons, I damn sure got mines. Always will.

 

 

Why assume I hate you. I don't know you enough to hate you. Do I hate what you were involved in...damn straight. Do I think you should accept the fact that as many OW on this board, there is no voodoo spell that you were under. You made choices, choices that caused you and others pain. She is responsible for her actions, you for yours. Making it seem like she is responsible for your emotions isn't mature or productive.

 

It is good that you have learned a valuable lesson and won't go that route again. My marriage ended the minute he cheated, but after years of being lied to, I gained my freedom. I am one of those who gets laughed at for saying I will never be the OW, I couldn't face my God if I did. Been down that road of not wanting to face him for other things, I don't want to go there again. In that regard I do understand the your desire not to repeat.

[rebuildingmyself]

N-R

 

Since I've been in your shoes (from what it sounds), I am going to suggest something to you as you are going through the hard months of questioning and the tug of war going on in your heart. Try to look to your husband to fill the needs the OM was fulfilling. Go to your H instead of the OM each time you want someone to share a story with or something going on in your life. We MW who cheat look to our OM as our best friend/confidant and its wrong to do so because our husbands should be that person. This is just a piece of advice - you don't have to take it.

 

Also, with regard to the OM - my OM was married and I think he is getting divorced. He wanted to marry me and I know I hurt him. However, with all the players involved - someone is going to get hurt!!! In fact, lots of people got hurt!! While I do feel bad and admit that my actions made things worse for my OM, he is an adult and knew the stakes going into this. He did not tell me he loved me until after my D-Day. I cannot make everyone happy and continue to be with my OM. I am choosing to work on my M. Furthermore - while it might hurt you Hurt Lover - remember that your AP is choosing her family and that means more than just the H. There are so many dynamics involved here. You can find another love - I do not believe there is only one person in the world for each of us. Look for someone new and you will find her.

[Owl]

No, it is not. Either she loves him or she does not. That fact is not going to change because he monitors her.

 

You're right, either she loves him or she doesn't.

 

But this actually has nothing to do with proving her love for him.

 

It's got to do with proving her TRUSTWORTHINESS to him.

 

She completely shattered and destroyed the trust he had in her with her affair.

 

The only way that trust is rebuilt is through DEMONSTRATING TRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOR UNTIL THE TRUST IS REGAINED.

 

That's what the monitoring will accomplish. My wife and I went through a period of this after her affair as well. It didn't last that long, and she resented it quite a bit for a while...until she realized that I wasn't snooping hoping to find something. That it wasn't trying to 'catch her'...it was to reassure me that she was now being trustworthy.

 

It's just that 'simple'.

[jennie-jennie]

You're right, either she loves him or she doesn't.

 

But this actually has nothing to do with proving her love for him.

 

It's got to do with proving her TRUSTWORTHINESS to him.

 

She completely shattered and destroyed the trust he had in her with her affair.

 

The only way that trust is rebuilt is through DEMONSTRATING TRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOR UNTIL THE TRUST IS REGAINED.

 

That's what the monitoring will accomplish. My wife and I went through a period of this after her affair as well. It didn't last that long, and she resented it quite a bit for a while...until she realized that I wasn't snooping hoping to find something. That it wasn't trying to 'catch her'...it was to reassure me that she was now being trustworthy.

 

It's just that 'simple'.

 

But she does not have a chance to show her trustworthiness. She doesn't have a chance to cheat on him. He is guarding her like you do a dangerous criminal who at any moment might commit a crime and you need to be there to stop him/her.

 

To prove her trustworthiness she has to have the possibility to cheat and not do it. I could always tell when my SO was back with his OW. He would not come home on time. I didn't need to monitor him. The signs were there clearly to see anyway.

[turnera]

But she does not have a chance to show her trustworthiness. She doesn't have a chance to cheat on him. He is guarding her like you do a dangerous criminal who at any moment might commit a crime and you need to be there to stop him/her.

 

To prove her trustworthiness she has to have the possibility to cheat and not do it. I could always tell when my SO was back with his OW. He would not come home on time. I didn't need to monitor him. The signs were there clearly to see anyway.

And N-R is protecting the OM from her husband by not providing the information on him that her husband doesn't know - ostensibly to protect her husband from doing something wrong. But ultimately, she controls the situation, and is protecting OM, and not allowing her husband to make his own choices; because she controls the information.

 

So from her husband's point of view, she is not showing trustworthiness to begin with because of this; thus his over the top behavior. She is not going into recovery on an honest keel and out of total humility. Humility, yes...to a point (of protecting OM).

 

I bet you dollars to doughnuts if she were to divulge the final bit of information on the guy, it would relieve half the pressure her husband feels - that pressure of knowing she is still choosing OM, at least partially.

 

Is her husband overboard? Yes. Will it stay that way for long? Not very likely. If she can't handle a few months of 'pain' of being under scrutiny, then she's not serious about reconciling, because she is only thinking of herself, and not her husband. Not entirely unusual for a wayward, actually.

 

But she CAN choose to just bite the bullet for the next couple months, accept that this summer will be crap, and look forward to the fall, when her husband will hopefully be more hopeful, himself, and not so over the top - knowing that that's the price you pay for adultery (temporary discomfort). All the while that your betrayed spouse is dealing with ten times more pain than you are.

[rebuildingmyself]

N-R: It took us 10 months to get the point where the main topic of conversation is not the affair. It's very hard when you are fighting the desire to see the OM or feel torn because he might actually "move on" without you... that's hard to imagine at first. If you want to save your marriage, I stand by my advice - and do it sooner than 10 months after D-Day - every time you wish you could talk to the OM, try putting your H's name in that thought. Mentally switch gears before it destroys you. Unless you don't want to save the M which is always a consideration....

[jennie-jennie]

N-R, I think you are making a mistake. I don't like what you have told us of your husband. It is most likely his pain which is making you want to save your marriage at all.

[rebuildingmyself]

A note to Hurt Lover - thank you for your point of view. I know I devastated my OM and don't know that there is any way to remedy the situation. Hearing your pain - I know that's exactly how he feels and I cannot do anything. How long has your relationship been over? Has it gotten any easier?

[JustJoe]

I disagree, Jennie. I think that NR is truly repentant, but is experiencing confusion and hurt, because of her Husband's lack of trust. But she is mature enough to understand that it is a result of her own poor choices. Owl's observations would seem to me to be valid. To rebuild trust, both NR and her husband will have to go through a period of time where she will have to verify everything, and he will have to demand proof of her actions. This is needed for both of them, for her to rebuild her sense of self-worth, and for him to rebuild his trust in her. As time passes, and his confidence in her increases, this should become less restrictive. The key point is for her to be patient, and understanding, but also to communicate to him , where this behavior is counter-productive, (job setting and child-rearing,) to give a couple of examples. NR, I think you are both doing a very good job and considering the amount of work and sweat you are putting into re-building your marriage, you may come out of this in better shape than you went in. Good Luck, and keep us informed.:)

[Owl]

I disagree, Jennie. I think that NR is truly repentant, but is experiencing confusion and hurt, because of her Husband's lack of trust. But she is mature enough to understand that it is a result of her own poor choices. Owl's observations would seem to me to be valid. To rebuild trust, both NR and her husband will have to go through a period of time where she will have to verify everything, and he will have to demand proof of her actions. This is needed for both of them, for her to rebuild her sense of self-worth, and for him to rebuild his trust in her. As time passes, and his confidence in her increases, this should become less restrictive. The key point is for her to be patient, and understanding, but also to communicate to him , where this behavior is counter-productive, (job setting and child-rearing,) to give a couple of examples. NR, I think you are both doing a very good job and considering the amount of work and sweat you are putting into re-building your marriage, you may come out of this in better shape than you went in. Good Luck, and keep us informed.:)

 

Exactly.

 

Ever raised teenaged kids? Ever have one do something that majorly violates the trust that they'd built up with you? (take the car when they shouldn't, drank, or something equally stupid) Once they do this, the "trust-o-meter" is set to zero. They have to REGAIN that trust, and typically that's done by them PROVING to you that they're now being trustworthy...and often that's done by 'checking up on them'.

 

Similar processes are needed ANYTIME you have to majorly rebuild trust.

 

The person who violated the trust has to change their behavior and demonstrate their trustworthiness. The person who was betrayed has to VERIFY the other person's demonstration of trustworthiness.

 

I think that NR is doing what she can. I believe that her H has struggled very hard with the choice to reconcile or not. I also think that they both REALLY, REALLY need a good MC to help 'orchestrate' these efforts a lot better. Someone who can help balance out the equation.

[JustJoe]

I agree, Hoot. A good counselor, will work with both of them and will help to relieve any frustration and moderate any issues that threaten the marriage recovery.

[JustJoe]

IDK, Thorne, I'm just going by her words. If what you say is true and she no longer loves her H, then perhaps she should concentrate on rebuilding her relationship with her kids, and move on as a single parent. NR, what are your feelings for your H?

[Owl]

I'd say that she's the only one who could guess where her heart is at right now...but I'd also guess that she's not had a chance to really try to sit and figure that out, either.

 

And in truth, if she WERE to stop and try to sort through it, she'd probably still be hard pressed to definitively say that she wants to be with either one of them. Her heart is probably still wrapped up in both to a degree.

 

But what she's going through right now, what she's doing and what her H is doing is all pretty textbook for the aftermath of an affair.

[HURT LOVER]

A note to Hurt Lover - thank you for your point of view. I know I devastated my OM and don't know that there is any way to remedy the situation. Hearing your pain - I know that's exactly how he feels and I cannot do anything. How long has your relationship been over? Has it gotten any easier?

 

It's been 9 months actually since everything has happen. I have to admit it has gotten easier but that just started over the last couple of months. I have good and bad days. Being the OM is not a something I suggest for any one. Please don't get me wrong I take respondsibitlity for being involved with a MW. I know it was wrong I make no excuse for my actions. But Damn I fell in love with this MW. Yeah I was the OM but you know what I got feelings to. I'm good, I'm getting pass her, I have to. No you can't change what has happen.

[JustJoe]

Thorney, are you trying to pick a fight with me? If so, I surrender. I did say"If", didn't I?

[jennie-jennie]

I agree that NR is doing everything she can. I just question whether she's doing it because it's what she really wants, or if she's doing it over the guilt she feels for hurting her husband so.

I don't have an opinion on which man she should choose. But I think she ultimately has to choose for herself. It's great that her H wants to work on the M. But if NR's heart isn't in it, it isn't in it.

 

Jthorne, these are my thoughts exactly.

[jennie-jennie]

I'd say that she's the only one who could guess where her heart is at right now...but I'd also guess that she's not had a chance to really try to sit and figure that out, either.

 

And in truth, if she WERE to stop and try to sort through it, she'd probably still be hard pressed to definitively say that she wants to be with either one of them. Her heart is probably still wrapped up in both to a degree.

But what she's going through right now, what she's doing and what her H is doing is all pretty textbook for the aftermath of an affair.

 

Interesting. My MM and I have not had a Dday. We have discussed the great likelihood of him throwing me under the bus and doing all he can to save his marriage. He has however been very clear that he would not accept being monitored studiously or treated like someone who should forever feel guilty.