Torn between lover and husband

[HURT LOVER]

Yes, there was something wrong in my marriage. There was something even wrong with me. Did I need love and affection, sure did. I am sure everyone needs those things to a point....I just didn't need it to the point of cheating. It was a choice I made to not go that route.

 

 

What I get from this site is that everyone was missing something in their marriage. Of course cheating was and never is the route. Please dont get me wrong I wasn't blaming you for the problem in your marriage. I don't even know you , I just know the story you post.

[bentnotbroken]

What I get from this site is that everyone was missing something in their marriage. Of course cheating was and never is the route. Please dont get me wrong I wasn't blaming you for the problem in your marriage. I don't even know you , I just know the story you post.

 

 

I didn't think you blamed just me. It appeared you blamed every BS.

 

Tighten up your marriage, do what needs to be done so your mate won't stray or want out of the marriage.

[HURT LOVER]

I didn't think you blamed just me. It appeared you blamed every BS.

 

 

Hey I don't even blame you guys. I guess I was just venting because after everything said and done I was the one left hurting. NR story hit me hard that all. If I offended anyone this thread I'm sorry. Trust and believe OM not having fun especially if he put his heart into the MW.

[whichwayisup]

What I get from this site is that everyone was missing something in their marriage.

 

NOONE's needs are completey met 100% by their spouse. To have that expectation is crazy.

 

Some who cheat, sure there are issues in the marriage, but they choose to look elsewhere to solve the issues by cheating instead of communicating with their spouse. Some who cheat have great marriages, but inside are broken and it has nothing to do with the marriage itself, or their spouse. Then, some who cheat, just do because they can and are just plain selfish.

 

Whatever the reasons are, it's still a choice one makes to do. Noone holds a gun to a married persons head and says "cheat."

[HURT LOVER]

NOONE's needs are completey met 100% by their spouse. To have that expectation is crazy.

 

Some who cheat, sure there are issues in the marriage, but they choose to look elsewhere to solve the issues by cheating instead of communicating with their spouse. Some who cheat have great marriages, but inside are broken and it has nothing to do with the marriage itself, or their spouse. Then, some who cheat, just do because they can and are just plain selfish.

 

Whatever the reasons are, it's still a choice one makes to do. Noone holds a gun to a married persons head and says "cheat."

 

You right no ones puts a gun to the person head to cheat. It's crazy but me I learned my lesson. I know I have my bones to bare with this also.

[whichwayisup]

HL, start by forgiving yourself. And then forgiving your exMW. She is far from perfect and made mistakes, bad ones.. I hope you are able to grieve and begin to heal soon.

[HURT LOVER]

HL, start by forgiving yourself. And then forgiving your exMW. She is far from perfect and made mistakes, bad ones.. I hope you are able to grieve and begin to heal soon.

 

Forgive myself that's honestly been hard and forgiven my Ex MW hmmm that's been hard to, I guess I fell really hard for her. I know if I don't start to forgive her, healing will never happen for me. Months later it's day to day because I do miss her.

[turnera]

It's good that you didn't cheat. What I'm saying is there is something wrong in the marriage for the H or W to stray that's all.

Or...you could just marry a sociopath or a narcissist or someone who just married you for security...and no matter how hard you work to please your spouse - and probably BECAUSE you work your butt off to spoil your spouse and he/she becomes entitled - your spouse cheats.

 

HL, sorry, but nobody is buying your "I had to do it" routine. We ALL choose our steps. We all know and recognize that 'line.' And we all decide whether to cross it or not. You chose to cross it, instead of walk away. *shrug*

[HURT LOVER]

Or...you could just marry a sociopath or a narcissist or someone who just married you for security...and no matter how hard you work to please your spouse - and probably BECAUSE you work your butt off to spoil your spouse and he/she becomes entitled - your spouse cheats.

 

HL, sorry, but nobody is buying your "I had to do it" routine. We ALL choose our steps. We all know and recognize that 'line.' And we all decide whether to cross it or not. You chose to cross it, instead of walk away. *shrug*

 

Ok I once again I've taking respondsibility for me dealing with MW. I have said time and time again I made that mistake and I do feel bad about what I did. I did not make it my business or set out to find a MW. But you want to go there like I said before tightend up your marriage you wouldn't be here. Bottom line you think you were doing everything to please your mate YOU DIDN'T or else your mate wouldn't have been creeping . Sorry but you went there. Ask your MW OR MM why they feel the needed to cheat. No one put a gun to their heads to cheat did they ? Just like everyone said about me I made the choice be with a MW. I won't take all the blame here hell no.

Edited June 3, 2010 by HURT LOVER

[bentnotbroken]

Ok I once again I've taking respondsibility for me dealing with MW. I have said time and time again I made that mistake and I do feel bad about what I did. I did not make it my business or set out to find a MW. But you want to go there like I said before tightend up your marriage you wouldn't be here. Bottom line you think you were doing everything to please you mate YOU DIDN'T or else you mate wouldn't have been creeping . Sorry but you went there. Ask your MW OR MM why they feel the needed to cheat. No one but a gun to their heads to cheat did they ? Just like everyone said about me I made the choice be with a MW. I won't take all the blame here hell no.

 

 

If you didn't truly feel that way in your heart, then it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, you wouldn't keep saying that. You have said that about "tightening up your marriage" twice. It is clear that her BS (and every other BS) will continue to be blamed for the choices of their partner by you. I wonder that since she didn't choose you, were you not doing it right?:confused:Or did she make a choice of her own free will? Just saying with your logic, you weren't doing something right either.

[HURT LOVER]

If you didn't truly feel that way in your heart, then it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, you wouldn't keep saying that. You have said that about "tightening up your marriage" twice. It is clear that her BS (and every other BS) will continue to be blamed for the choices of their partner by you. I wonder that since she didn't choose you, were you not doing it right?:confused:Or did she make a choice of her own free will? Just saying with your logic, you weren't doing something right either.

 

My issue is being blamed for someone else action. You need to ask her why she didn't choose me. But once he found out about us she ran back. I guess if I was the MM I would probably not have the same attitude I know that. But I really don't blame you and anyone else on this site. I don't know any of you. If everything was so great why cheat? I never said I was perfect. But I guess it just me on this site that not perfect ha?

[bentnotbroken]

My issue is being blamed for someone else action. I guess if I was the MM I would probably not have the same attitude I know that. But I really don't blame you and anyone else on this site. I don't know any of you. If everything was so great why cheat? I never said I was perfect. But I guess it just me on this site that not perfect ha?

 

 

I think that was the point I was trying to make. You were responsible for you actions not hers..... neither was her BS. What was pointed out to you more than once is that sometimes something is broken in the person that cheats. There is something missing that no one or nothing can fill. And at no point did you hear anyone talk about perfection. You are the only one bringing that up. Is that what you are comparing living with integrity to...perfection? Not possible in any one's wildest dreams.

[HURT LOVER]

Could you kindly start your own thread instead of threadjacking November Rain's?

 

 

You good folks have a good night. Best of luck to all of you.

[HURT LOVER]

I think that was the point I was trying to make. You were responsible for you actions not hers..... neither was her BS. What was pointed out to you more than once is that sometimes something is broken in the person that cheats. There is something missing that no one or nothing can fill. And at no point did you hear anyone talk about perfection. You are the only one bringing that up. Is that what you are comparing living with integrity to...perfection? Not possible in any one's wildest dreams.

 

 

I understand were your coming from thank you. I see your point.

[rebuildingmyself]

HL - You used each other. In the end, someone is going to get hurt - either the OM or the H. I appreciate that you gave your heart to your MW and she stomped on it, but her H feels the same way. The fact that the A happened at all meant that in the end, someone's heart would get stomped on - and believe it or not, that includes your OW's heart - she is grieving for you in her own way. I can assure you that you WILL get over it and can find someone new.

 

The idea that the people involved in the A have something missing from their lives is very true. I had an A and I know both my AP and I are broken people. I am working on myself through therapy and am starting classes to build my self esteem. While I do believe there are things in my marriage that needed attention, having an A was not the way to address those issues. Right now my H is working on himself and I'm working on myself. We are trying to see if we can find some ways to connect amidst of the ashes of what our marriage used to be.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter Morgan it's funny how you pick a sociopathy as Screen Name. Being the OM with a MW is without doubt not a good at all.

 

try being your xMW's husband.

 

 

I took my respondsibility for what I did.

 

so is that why in another thread you were complaining that the only reason she ended it with you was that the husband started showing her attention, therefore blaming the husband for her actions...for cheating, and ending the affair.

 

 

Bottom line weather you want to hear this or not, more than likely not. NR was missing something in her life that the H was not fulfulling for her.

 

so was I in my marriage...you didn't see me going out and sticking it in other women.

 

 

Unfortunately she seeked out a way to fulfill that void.

 

and you were more than happy to fill it....you knew what you were doing, you knew you were bedding down someone elses wife. And now you want to cry victim? and you want us to cry victim for NR's other man?

 

 

I guess everyone is to blame here ha? Because if things were good on the home front why would the NR or my MW step out.

 

because she is a person of lousy character.

 

 

Oh and another thing giving the OM contact information I never agreed with.

 

of course not....because you were the OM.

 

If you would have kept contacting the MW, I think the best way to nip it in the butt is for the OM to realize the husband will be the one answering contact with the knowledge that husband knows all about him.

 

 

But I do understand NR gaining the trust of her H by telling him that that OM tried to contact her. Especially when the H may want to confront him more than likely. I guess I was never much for being punching bag. I never will.

 

if you dont want to be a punching bag, then don't throw the first punch

[Dexter Morgan]

NOONE's needs are completey met 100% by their spouse. To have that expectation is crazy.

 

Exactly.........some people think they have to have everything perfect.

 

Its like a quote from Seinfeld to George, "instead of getting every need of yours met, how about meeting one of someone elses"

 

or something like that

[Dexter Morgan]

But I really don't blame you and anyone else on this site. I don't know any of you. If everything was so great why cheat?

 

because IMO a majority of cheaters are just plain fickle.

 

many cheaters have come on here and said how wonderful their spouses are and couldn't ask for better. But they just couldn't handle having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. Most simply like the thrill of f#####g someone new.

 

I know alot will blame it on things not being perfect at home, but the above is the flip side.

[rebuildingmyself]

You know what Dexter? I believe you may have hit the nail on the head in my own case. The reason I say that is because I found myself having similar feelings of dread and annoyance towards my AP as I did with H. So I realized that it is ME who needed to get fixed - not anyone else. Fickle might be a good word for it - I'm not sure. But thinking that everything will be golden and multicolored sunsets with your AP when day to day issues are added to what used to be an unencumbered relationship is to be naive. I appreciate your words - thanks for posting.

[jennie-jennie]

I know the reason I cheated was because my exSO was not filling my needs. I had tried to convey this for a long time unsuccessfully. Eventually that was also why I left him for my MM.

 

Considering all the addictive issues my exSO has been struggling with throughout the years, he should consider himself lucky that a woman like I stayed with him for so many years. I do believe he has finally realized that now that I am gone.

 

That is also why my exSO had to prove himself for me to go back to him. He made an effort and did fulfill my needs for a month or so, long enough to have me hooked on him again. Also the OM turned out to be not all I had hoped he would be.

 

My MM fulfills my needs to a much greater extent than my exSO did, but still due to the affair character of the relationship not enough. Therefore he does know that he too is in the risk zone of losing me if somebody else catches my attention.

 

I promise nothing, I stay with the man who meets my needs the most. Yet I am loyal to a fault, so meet my needs and you have the most faithful partner.

Edited June 3, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[witabix]

I know the reason I cheated was because my exSO was not filling my needs. I had tried to convey this for a long time unsuccessfully. Eventually that was also why I left him for my MM.

 

Considering all the addictive issues my exSO has been struggling with throughout the years, he should consider himself lucky that a woman like I stayed with him for so many years. I do believe he has finally realized that now that I am gone.

 

That is also why my exSO had to prove himself for me to go back to him. He made an effort and did fulfill my needs for a month or so, long enough to have me hooked on him again. Also the OM turned out to be not all I had hoped he would be.

 

My MM fulfills my needs to a much greater extent than my exSO did, but still due to the affair character of the relationship not enough. Therefore he does know that he too is in the risk zone of losing me if somebody else catches my attention.

 

I promise nothing, I stay with the man who meets my needs the most. Yet I am loyal to a fault, so meet my needs and you have the most faithful partner.

 

Just for information.

 

Faithful.

 

–adjective

1.

strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2.

true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3.

steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.

4.

reliable, trusted, or believed.

5.

adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.

6.

Obsolete. full of faith; believing.

 

 

Loyal

 

–adjective

1.

faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.

2.

faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.

3.

faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

4.

characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.

 

This paragraph appears to be an oxymoron....

I promise nothing, I stay with the man who meets my needs the most. Yet I am loyal to a fault, so meet my needs and you have the most faithful partner.

 

If you promise nothing then there is no loyalty or faithfulness involved. It seems impossible to be a loyal to a promise of nothing, except that you actually do nothing. I promise to pay the bearer...means that you will pay the bearer. I promise to pay the bearer nothing means that you will pay nothing. It is not the same as an absence of a promise.

 

Perhaps you are promising to only look out for own needs, which is fine. Painting it up with faithfulness and loyalty seems disingenuous.

[jennie-jennie]

Just for information.

 

Faithful.

 

–adjective

1.

strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2.

true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3.

steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.

4.

reliable, trusted, or believed.

5.

adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.

6.

Obsolete. full of faith; believing.

 

 

Loyal

 

–adjective

1.

faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.

2.

faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.

3.

faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

4.

characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.

 

This paragraph appears to be an oxymoron....

 

 

If you promise nothing then there is no loyalty or faithfulness involved. It seems impossible to be a loyal to a promise of nothing, except that you actually do nothing. I promise to pay the bearer...means that you will pay the bearer. I promise to pay the bearer nothing means that you will pay nothing. It is not the same as an absence of a promise.

 

Perhaps you are promising to only look out for own needs, which is fine. Painting it up with faithfulness and loyalty seems disingenuous.

 

Love CAN NOT be promised. You CAN NOT promise to love someone in the future. You CAN say I love you today.

[reboot]

Love CAN NOT be promised. You CAN NOT promise to love someone in the future. You CAN say I love you today.

 

You can't. I can.

[rebuildingmyself]

I'm so confused - how many men have you been involved with and who are you currently with? Why are so many men willing to put up with this attitude?

[jennie-jennie]

I'm so confused - how many men have you been involved with and who are you currently with?

 

I have had 3 long term relationships:

 

5 years with my first SO

26 years with my second SO

4 years with my present SO: my MM

Why are so many men willing to put up with this attitude?

 

Most likely a cultural difference between our two countries. You marry for life, we marry (or cohabitate) for love.