Torn between lover and husband

[bananalaffytaffy]

Sorry but I can't agree with the bolded section. People are capable of processing thought and making their own decisions. Trying to say something drove you to do something is just shifting the blame.

 

If something was wrong in the marriage she could have seeked MC, talked to friends, talked to her H, read books on it, and so on....... Instead she cheated and that is 100% on her

 

 

There is no external force that drove her to it. She made a conscious decision and she made it many times.

 

Plenty of people cheat for no reason and then they freak out when their marriage is ruined by it. They go through phases like blaming the spouse, rewriting history to justify the cheating and flat out trying to victimize themselves.

 

If there was something wrong with NR's marriage she could have handled it 100's of different ways but she chose to cheat.

 

Also, have you noticed that she kept saying how good her H was before this and now all she can come up with is "there was no spark". Well there will never be a spark now and it a couple years she will still be on this site telling people stories about her marriage and divorce(most likely).

 

 

Some people are just selfish. They don't have what it takes to be in a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately in the US that number is rising.

I meant to say something (sex appearantly) was missing. I in no way said she made the right choice by cheating, or that her H is to blame.

The sex part was missing before the A. No matter what she tries to fix on her own, that part is still there messed up. She can't possibly fix that on her own.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I don't agree with you, WF. This OP hasn't been square with her H from day one, and her H has been square with her. So.. considering that she has never had any desire for him, and that she has never told him so, and then there's that pesky affair business, how can you expect him to put anything into a marriage , especially when he doesn't even know about her mis-representations? This is the disclosure/non-disclosure thing all over again. He is being asked to fix a marriage that his wife has been deceitful about from the beginning. It would be like telling a Doctor to heal a patient, without knowing what is wrong, in the first place. How is any of this fair to her H? In my opinion, this isn't a marriage but a collection of lies. For both their sakes it should end.

Are you her husband? What makes you think he's been totally square with her the whole time? The man won't even go to MC.

[November-Rain]

Thursday evening my husband and I decided to go out for some coffee, maybe ease the tension at home and have some quality couple time. As we approaced the coffee shop he told me he would rather go to the bar down the street where the atmosphere is pretty lively . I was reluctant at first but thought if it makes him happy and he wants to be with me I'll go along. As the night progressed I noticed his drinking was getting excessive so I suggested we go home and he complied. However, when we did get home the questions began about OM. The more he asked the angrier he became, so I finally told him I was going to bed, maybe with a clear head in the morning we could continue. I closed the room to my bedroom and went to sleep, I heard my husband take off in his car, so I thought he might of left to cool down. Not more than an hour went by when he stormed into our bedroom, even more intoxicated than before. All I can say I have never been so frightened in my life! With no exaggeration, he got so agitated with me that I would refuse to answer anymore questions, I told him I was getting frightened and that he needed to stop. He ran into our bedroom closet and told me that I was really going to be scared once he would kill himself. That's when I noticed he had one of his guns in his hand. He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger I screamed thinking the worst, but nothing happened. My 2 year old was awakened by my screams and started to cry, my husband than pointed the gun at me and pulled on the trigger while I had my 2 year old in my arms. Again nothing happened, so he continued to threaten me and he put the gun to his head again and pulled the trigger for a third time. My other children were up by then, I screamed to them to get in the car as I ran out the door with my two year old. We took off to my sisters home. He left me many threatning messages on my cell, saying how he wanted to hunt me down and make me pay for what I have done to him and my boys.

 

Fastforward to today. It has been a living hell since Thursday evening, have had no sleep. I've made sure my children are safe. I am in the process of trying to get info. on getting legally seperated from my husband. My family has suggested I put a restraining order on my husband. I don't think I will do that, because it will surely end his career. He contacted me this morning with profuse apologies, promising he will never drink again. He says I caused this ugly side of him to come out, but he would like to still work on the marriage, and continue to try and trust me again. I know I am the cause of the initial problem, however, I think this has become something even bigger, disturbing, and dangerous, I need to leave him. I am truly terrified of him! At this moment, working out our marriage is pointless.

 

Any advice?

[bananalaffytaffy]

No, you are NOT responsible for his problem, don't let anyone tell you that! You are responsible for you and owning up to what you did. You are NOT responsible for how he chooses to deal with it. You are NOT responsible for bringing out his bad side, he's responsible for not being able to get his bad side under control. I am truly sorry he's hurting, but this is abuse.

He must get help for his anger and alcoholism. He's a danger to your children otherwise.

Until he does this, you need to stay away.

[stillafool]

---------------------

[jennie-jennie]

Get out. Quick.

[turnera]

Tell him that you want to stay married but you can't unless he signs up for weekly (at least) counseling and goes for at least 6 months. Not to 'change' him but to give him an outlet for his feelings.

[jennie-jennie]

Tell him that you want to stay married but you can't unless he signs up for weekly (at least) counseling and goes for at least 6 months. Not to 'change' him but to give him an outlet for his feelings.

 

Stay married with someone who points a gun at her while holding a 2-year-old?

 

This guy has serious alcohol problems and anger management problems.

 

November-Rain, you need to keep you and your children safe. Talk to a lawyer about getting a separation. Get a restraining order if anything more happens.

[turnera]

Good point. But at this point, I would think that, if she's not willing to put a RA on him, it's best to let him down gently, give him some hope, so he can get to a healthier mental state before stating that she's leaving him.

[White Flower]

He contacted me this morning with profuse apologies, promising he will never drink again. He says I caused this ugly side of him to come out, but he would like to still work on the marriage, and continue to try and trust me again. I know I am the cause of the initial problem, however, I think this has become something even bigger, disturbing, and dangerous, I need to leave him. I am truly terrified of him! At this moment, working out our marriage is pointless.

 

Any advice?

I think you answered your own question.

 

This is huge, disturbing, and worse it is dangerous not only for you, him, but your KIDS. I know part of you was staying for the kids but now you need to leave for the very same reason. Further, you said it was pointless. Only you can decide that.

 

And if it is pointless, then you don't need our advice but I will offer some anyway. First, make it safe for you and your children. It APPEARS at this point that being together is driving him nuts. He drinks and pulls out guns. He doesn't want to deal with it in counseling because he'd rather deal with it using alcohol and weapons. You're right, it is pointless. Had he remained in counseling and really tried hard to forgive, as others have done successfully, then you two might have had a chance. But I think this guy wants you to suffer. To defend him, I think in his mind he is trying to make you suffer in the same way he feels that he has but that is beside the point. You never threatened his life nor that of your kids.

 

Please take care of yourself and try to get him back into counseling even if it is IC. He needs help and maybe you just can't give it to him by staying.

 

Hugs.

[candymoon]

Wow. I've been quietly following this thread and from D-Day, I knew this was going to happen--once he started humiliating you in bed I knew it was going to be downhill...and people had advised that he was understandbly angry. The abuse started then and if you stay, will escalate in the death of one or both of you or worst case, all of you including your children.

 

Don't ever go back, your lives and your childrens' lives are in danger.

 

Screw his career--it's time for restraining order. What if he gets drunk during the day and decides to pick one of the kids up from school with a gun in the car... are you kidding?

 

You would be truly sick to go back now and you will have no one to blame but yourself.

[candymoon]

I would also say that now you need to get your kids into counseling. They are traumatized for life and will NEVER trust their father again. Ever. They may not want to see him for a while (the elder ones).

 

Talk to them about it a LOT so they do not hold in this trauma. They need to get it out and sorted. One incident like this is enough to cause an adult, much less a child, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will remember and have nightmares about it forever.

 

Get them help.

 

Don't let your guilt over your A bring you back to this insanity. If your kids and family survive another reunion with this maniac, they will have YOU to blame for bringing them back if something does happen. I don't think they would question your judgement now or in the future with this trauma in them forever if you never returned.

[White Flower]

I would also say that now you need to get your kids into counseling. They are traumatized for life and will NEVER trust their father again. Ever. They may not want to see him for a while (the elder ones).

 

I agree. The kids saw a lot that night. Big hugs to them.

[BB07]

NR......I'm so sorry that has happened to you. Please make sure you and your kids are safe and please do not let guilt influence your actions into going back, because you feel like you drove him to it. What he is doing, is within his control and he needs help to see that sane adults do not behave this way.

 

My feeling is, he is a very, very dangerous man and coupled with the fact that he is in the field of law enforcement probably gives him a false sense of protection or being smarter than the average person. I also recall reading that men that are abusive who are in that field can be more brutal and deadly than the general population. Please, please don't go back to him, unless he does months of work in some kind of therapy. The man is clearly unhinged right now, you did not cause this, it's always been in him, it's just the events that happened that has triggered it coming out. Maybe it's OT, but there is a possibility that you sensed something like this within him and it's why you didn't feel everything that you thought you were supposed to feel for him. Maybe it was your gut instinct telling you something.

 

Hugs to you and your kids.....please take care!

[fooled once]

NR, you are crawfishing. You husband did NONE of this. If you felt no "spark", for him when you married him, and still went through with it, then who's fault is that? His? He took you at face value, trouble is, you've never been, what you appeared to be. So.....Your marriage vows were a lie from the git-go. Why do women do this? If I had no desire for a woman, I wouldn't marry her, even if she were the Queen of Sheba!! Jeez! So NOW you want to fix it? NOW, after you cheated and lied almost from day one? And you have the crust to complain about HIS behavior? Every problem in your "marriage", is your fault, and yours alone. How can you ever fix this? Even if you have no contact with the other man, you are still living a lie, with your husband, and still dooming him to a marriage, with a person, who has never truly love him, as a life partner should. I know that I'm sounding harsh, and I don't want to judge you, but Jeez, you really, really, really need to put your big-girl panties on, and stop playing with other peoples feelings. After all of this , you owe him the truth, marriage or not, divorce or not, affair or not, YOU OWE HIM THE TRUTH.

 

Those in glass houses......

 

Listen, November rain, I truly don't believe that you are a bad person, just an incredibly immature one. The only good thing that you can do for your H is to be truthful with him and at least allow him the right to say whether or not he is willing to stay with you. If the marriage ends, then both of you should try to be mature and cooperate, for the raising of the children. Divorce isn't as traumatic for kids, as once thought. If you two can exercise good judgement with regards to their upbringing, they will adapt and accept the situation, and be OK. Then both you and your H can find someone who will love and respect each of you, for your own merits.

 

shouldn't throw stones....

 

Didn't you just get back with the MW you have been having an affair with??

 

Thursday evening my husband and I decided to go out for some coffee, maybe ease the tension at home and have some quality couple time. As we approaced the coffee shop he told me he would rather go to the bar down the street where the atmosphere is pretty lively . I was reluctant at first but thought if it makes him happy and he wants to be with me I'll go along. As the night progressed I noticed his drinking was getting excessive so I suggested we go home and he complied. However, when we did get home the questions began about OM. The more he asked the angrier he became, so I finally told him I was going to bed, maybe with a clear head in the morning we could continue. I closed the room to my bedroom and went to sleep, I heard my husband take off in his car, so I thought he might of left to cool down. Not more than an hour went by when he stormed into our bedroom, even more intoxicated than before. All I can say I have never been so frightened in my life! With no exaggeration, he got so agitated with me that I would refuse to answer anymore questions, I told him I was getting frightened and that he needed to stop. He ran into our bedroom closet and told me that I was really going to be scared once he would kill himself. That's when I noticed he had one of his guns in his hand. He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger I screamed thinking the worst, but nothing happened. My 2 year old was awakened by my screams and started to cry, my husband than pointed the gun at me and pulled on the trigger while I had my 2 year old in my arms. Again nothing happened, so he continued to threaten me and he put the gun to his head again and pulled the trigger for a third time. My other children were up by then, I screamed to them to get in the car as I ran out the door with my two year old. We took off to my sisters home. He left me many threatning messages on my cell, saying how he wanted to hunt me down and make me pay for what I have done to him and my boys.

 

Fastforward to today. It has been a living hell since Thursday evening, have had no sleep. I've made sure my children are safe. I am in the process of trying to get info. on getting legally seperated from my husband. My family has suggested I put a restraining order on my husband. I don't think I will do that, because it will surely end his career. He contacted me this morning with profuse apologies, promising he will never drink again. He says I caused this ugly side of him to come out, but he would like to still work on the marriage, and continue to try and trust me again. I know I am the cause of the initial problem, however, I think this has become something even bigger, disturbing, and dangerous, I need to leave him. I am truly terrified of him! At this moment, working out our marriage is pointless.

 

Any advice?

 

NR, if you really, REALLY, need advice....then you really have more of an issue.

 

Why didn't you call the police? Why haven't you seen a lawyer? Are you being this naive?

 

IF he really did what you posted, and aren't exaggerating and using this as an excuse to go back to the OM, then you need to take LEGAL action NOW. To do anything less means you are playing games, games that can cause your children irrepairable harm!

 

Drinking is his way to escape the extreme hurt you have caused him. Many people turn to alcohol when they are stressed...not sure why this was such a shock to you. He is drinking to escape his thoughts, possibly the images of you and the OM in bed, kissing, being affectionate.

 

Yes, you completely screwed up. Yes, you caused him hurt he may NEVER get over. Yes, you completely broke his trust. It has barely been a month since his entire world came crumbling down. And yes, you did cause that.

 

BUT no one - ever - should tolerate games being played with gun -- especially around CHILDREN!!! Did the alcohol make him do it? Did your affair make him do it? WHO CARES! Children have been dragged into this collossal nightmare!! They don't deserve this. They don't deserve to watch dad drink himself crazy; mom to be a tight strung wreck and they don't deserve to be awakened by mom screaming and dad with a gun to his head!! If you don't protect them, who will?

 

Call a shelter, call the police, call a lawyer -- but for God's sake - do SOMETHING besides wringing your hands and playing the victim.

[candymoon]

Maybe it's OT, but there is a possibility that you sensed something like this within him and it's why you didn't feel everything that you thought you were supposed to feel for him. Maybe it was your gut instinct telling you something.

 

This crossed my mind too. Someone who doesn't have this in them to begin with can't be driven to such extremes of violence and rage. Even when their spouse cheats on them. IMHO he was never working with a full deck. Even though I don't know him or how he was as a father, I do understand violence. If this isn't in someone's heart, it doesn't happen.

[JustJoe]

Fooled, I have at all times been open and honest about our relationship, and My MW soon to be former MW, did the right thing by her H. We ended the affair, she tried to re-concile and it didn't work so now she is divorcing him and taking nothing of his with her. NR's problems started when she disrespected and mislead him , so now he doesn't have a clue where to turn. His anger and pain are what's driving him nuts.The marriage is over, and all that is left is to make sure that the kids are safe and given proper therapy. His is absolutly wrong to threaten any one, but all of you posters who say to crucify him, think about what he has gone through. He now knows that the woman he thought was his life mate doesn't love him or respect him and probably never did. His whole world has been destroyed. Have a little pity, for Chrissakes. NR, you now should take care of yourself and your children, and except for legal issues, leave your husband alone. You have harmed him enough. I would contact your local domestic harmony office and the police, just to make sure both of you and the kids stay safe. Even with that said, what you have done to your family with your deceit is reprehensible. You caused all of this by your immaturity and dishonesty. This cannot be fixed, all that is left is to limit the damage, and try to learn the lessons that this is teaching you. Never, ever marry someone, that you aren't TOTALLY committed to. Too many people get married for all the wrong reasons, men and women. This is the sad, sad, result.

[candymoon]

I just think about what he has just put his children through. No one held a gun to his head to react like that. Oh wait, thats right, he held one to his wife's head while she was holding their baby--and pulled the trigger.

 

As people say, no matter the situation, he didn't drive her to cheat regardless of the state of the marriage (including the extremes of abuse and addiction). Then one can also deduce, no matter what one spouse does, including cheating, should not drive the other to a near drunken massacre of his family.

[JustJoe]

CM, I agree with this, but let's be fair, would any of this happened if she had been honest from the first? No. But I also agree that NR's concern for her marriage is way too little , way too late.

[BB07]

Fooled, I have at all times been open and honest about our relationship, and My MW soon to be former MW, did the right thing by her H. We ended the affair, she tried to re-concile and it didn't work so now she is divorcing him and taking nothing of his with her. NR's problems started when she disrespected and mislead him , so now he doesn't have a clue where to turn. His anger and pain are what's driving him nuts.The marriage is over, and all that is left is to make sure that the kids are safe and given proper therapy. His is absolutly wrong to threaten any one, but all of you posters who say to crucify him, think about what he has gone through. He now knows that the woman he thought was his life mate doesn't love him or respect him and probably never did. His whole world has been destroyed. Have a little pity, for Chrissakes. NR, you now should take care of yourself and your children, and except for legal issues, leave your husband alone. You have harmed him enough. I would contact your local domestic harmony office and the police, just to make sure both of you and the kids stay safe. Even with that said, what you have done to your family with your deceit is reprehensible. You caused all of this by your immaturity and dishonesty. This cannot be fixed, all that is left is to limit the damage, and try to learn the lessons that this is teaching you. Never, ever marry someone, that you aren't TOTALLY committed to. Too many people get married for all the wrong reasons, men and women. This is the sad, sad, result.

 

I apologize in advance for the derail, but you are way outta line here. Instead of bashing NR (you've already done that)........get off your high horse and understand the seriousness of the situation. FO.....is right, you are the last person in the world who should be throwing stones. I noticed that you seem to take pleasure in bashing others, but yet by most people's standards you don't have the qualifications.

Rant over........

[BB07]

CM, I agree with this, but let's be fair, would any of this happened if she had been honest from the first? No. But I also agree that NR's concern for her marriage is way too little , way too late.

 

 

Have you not read NR's last post??? She is not concerned about her marriage at this point in time, she came very close to losing her kids life's and her own. Get your head outta your ass.....Joe.

[candymoon]

No way to know, Joe. He's a cop for heaven's sake. No way to deduce if all his screws are tight when he's reigning in suspects on the job. You can never know what goes on in someone's head. She never truly knew him and he never truly knew her.

 

Speaking of, I hope he takes a leave of absence from his job before he takes it out on someone he should be lawfully arresting.

 

Anyway, I think we all know that this marriage is over. Way past.

[JustJoe]

BBO7, I'm a former Army officer, former sufferer of PTSD, and have far more insight into the husband's situation than you might want to believe. BTW thanks for the personal insult,.... always appreciated. Instead of issuing a blanket condemnation of this poor man. A man who's day to day job is one of the most stressful in the world, I might add. Perhaps we should be concentrating NR's focus on her kids and herself and yes, even her husband. Which most of my post was about, or didn't you read the whole thing? As far as bashing, I've said everything I felt was necessary, and this was before I knew of the sad business about his drunken outburst. So, get off my back, Okay?.............................Candy, I especially agree with this post. If NR talks to the cops, then they will question him about this episode and probably order him to seek therapy. That's the usual procedure. I have a friend who is a cop, and they usually are very aware of family disputes and the potential for abuse.

[StarChick]

NR,

 

I'm mostly a lurker but I have been reading your story. I'm seriously shaking right now. Please read what I have to say...

 

Yes, you screwed up. You screwed up big. You shattered this guy. But you DON'T deserve this. You simply don't. There are certain ways to atone for infidelity, and losing your basic humanity or potentially your life, isn't an acceptable way for ANYONE do go about it.

 

When I was little, there was a lot of infidelity (on my dad's part) going on. There was a lot of drinking and violence. My mother even hid his guns under my bed and told me not to touch (I wouldn't dare to anyway) because he would come home drunk and threaten to off himself JUST like your husband did.

 

It screws a person up to see/know that at such a young age. Trust me on this.

 

You need to get out and you need to get out NOW. RO, Order of Protection, anything. PLEASE. You HAVE to do this.

 

He's unhinged. He's going to use what you did against you for probably the rest of your life. And now that he's taken things this far, it'll always be in the back of your head. Someone is going to end up hurt. PLEASE get help. Do it for your kids. Now!!!!!

Edited June 13, 2010 by StarChick
Fixing an Eff Up

[JustJoe]

Good post, Star chick;)