White Flower Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Yes, good post StarChick. You should post more and lurk less. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 NR I've been reading your story and since you don't love him, never loved him, he's pulling a gun out on you and the kids, LEAVE HIM! Why on earth are you trying to work it out with someone you aren't in love with? Link to post Share on other sites
candymoon Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 NR, I'm mostly a lurker but I have been reading your story. I'm seriously shaking right now. Please read what I have to say... Yes, you screwed up. You screwed up big. You shattered this guy. But you DON'T deserve this. You simply don't. There are certain ways to atone for infidelity, and losing your basic humanity or potentially your life, isn't an acceptable way for ANYONE do go about it. When I was little, there was a lot of infidelity (on my dad's part) going on. There was a lot of drinking and violence. My mother even hid his guns under my bed and told me not to touch (I wouldn't dare to anyway) because he would come home drunk and threaten to off himself JUST like your husband did. It screws a person up to see/know that at such a young age. Trust me on this. You need to get out and you need to get out NOW. RO, Order of Protection, anything. PLEASE. You HAVE to do this. He's unhinged. He's going to use what you did against you for probably the rest of your life. And now that he's taken things this far, it'll always be in the back of your head. Someone is going to end up hurt. PLEASE get help. Do it for your kids. Now!!!!! Heed StarChick, NR. She speaks from the point of view of your children. Hugs to anyone who has survived any form of abuse & violence. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 NR, I'm mostly a lurker but I have been reading your story. I'm seriously shaking right now. Please read what I have to say... Yes, you screwed up. You screwed up big. You shattered this guy. But you DON'T deserve this. You simply don't. There are certain ways to atone for infidelity, and losing your basic humanity or potentially your life, isn't an acceptable way for ANYONE do go about it. When I was little, there was a lot of infidelity (on my dad's part) going on. There was a lot of drinking and violence. My mother even hid his guns under my bed and told me not to touch (I wouldn't dare to anyway) because he would come home drunk and threaten to off himself JUST like your husband did. It screws a person up to see/know that at such a young age. Trust me on this. You need to get out and you need to get out NOW. RO, Order of Protection, anything. PLEASE. You HAVE to do this. He's unhinged. He's going to use what you did against you for probably the rest of your life. And now that he's taken things this far, it'll always be in the back of your head. Someone is going to end up hurt. PLEASE get help. Do it for your kids. Now!!!!! Wow....starchick, your post really got to me and it brought up memories I had suppressed. I experienced almost the exact same scenario as you described. Don't have much to add to it, but I've struggled with anger at both my parents for many years. My mother is the sweetest, kindest person, but she failed in her duty to see the damage and allowed it to continue that living in that kind of environment does to children. NR.....please protect your children. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Thursday evening my husband and I decided to go out for some coffee, maybe ease the tension at home and have some quality couple time. As we approaced the coffee shop he told me he would rather go to the bar down the street where the atmosphere is pretty lively . I was reluctant at first but thought if it makes him happy and he wants to be with me I'll go along. As the night progressed I noticed his drinking was getting excessive so I suggested we go home and he complied. However, when we did get home the questions began about OM. The more he asked the angrier he became, so I finally told him I was going to bed, maybe with a clear head in the morning we could continue. I closed the room to my bedroom and went to sleep, I heard my husband take off in his car, so I thought he might of left to cool down. Not more than an hour went by when he stormed into our bedroom, even more intoxicated than before. All I can say I have never been so frightened in my life! With no exaggeration, he got so agitated with me that I would refuse to answer anymore questions, I told him I was getting frightened and that he needed to stop. He ran into our bedroom closet and told me that I was really going to be scared once he would kill himself. That's when I noticed he had one of his guns in his hand. He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger I screamed thinking the worst, but nothing happened. My 2 year old was awakened by my screams and started to cry, my husband than pointed the gun at me and pulled on the trigger while I had my 2 year old in my arms. Again nothing happened, so he continued to threaten me and he put the gun to his head again and pulled the trigger for a third time. My other children were up by then, I screamed to them to get in the car as I ran out the door with my two year old. We took off to my sisters home. He left me many threatning messages on my cell, saying how he wanted to hunt me down and make me pay for what I have done to him and my boys. Fastforward to today. It has been a living hell since Thursday evening, have had no sleep. I've made sure my children are safe. I am in the process of trying to get info. on getting legally seperated from my husband. My family has suggested I put a restraining order on my husband. I don't think I will do that, because it will surely end his career. He contacted me this morning with profuse apologies, promising he will never drink again. He says I caused this ugly side of him to come out, but he would like to still work on the marriage, and continue to try and trust me again. I know I am the cause of the initial problem, however, I think this has become something even bigger, disturbing, and dangerous, I need to leave him. I am truly terrified of him! At this moment, working out our marriage is pointless. Any advice? :eek:Get the hell away from him, don't go back and protect those children! This is done. Get a restraining order, get counseling and when they are age appropriate talk to your children about being real with someone from the beginning. His actions aren't your fault but this is the end to a whole lot of crap that shouldn't have happened in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 NR, take the advice of Starchick, BNB and other, posters. Make sure that your kids and you are safe, by whatever means possible. Then do the best you can to create a positive, post-D relationship with your husband. He is the kids father, and will be a part of your life, and your kids, for many years, so you need to at least have a cordial interaction. Encourage him to seek counseling , notify his superiors at his work, so that they can help him and you get through this bad time. When they are old enough, be completely honest with your kids. Make absolutely sure that you assume your responsibility for this break-up and never blame him , to your kids, because they will find out eventually about the affair, and will turn from you, if you lie to them. You can't fix the marriage , but you can limit the damage you have done, to him, your kids, and yourself, by being open and honest during this time of trouble. If you can help him over this crisis, it will help the healing for all of you and make your kids post-d life a lot better. Above all, have NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND with the OM until this is over. That would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 It's gonna take a long time before her husband heals. I agree with others he has gone off the deep end! and in this instance. i suggest NR. leave. Let him have supervised visits, but keep your distance from him. He is in no place mentally to deal with you. Maybe he knows about the affair and that's why he's acting this way. There's something else going on here. i can feel it. There's no reason for this man to be irrationally crazy. Maybe if NR just came clean it would give him a starting point to heal. And he will thrash and argue and go beserk, but in the end he will come to acceptance and heal. and you both will be better apart. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 CB, the husband already knows about the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 CB, the husband already knows about the OM. Ahhhh So THIS IS WHY HE'S LOOSING HIS DAMN MIND. You guys have no idea of why he is in this dark area. Infidelity really screws with your mind, gives you nightmares. All the thoughts and memories of your family and love of your spouses turns against you. It's a big mindscrew. I aint saying he's right for what he did. What he did is insane. but he's mentally fractured right now and needs help. That we can all agree on. Like i said NR should get to a lawyer ask for seperation and everyone has custody equal 50/50. This situation isnt helping anyone. no one is healing. Not NR not her husband and not her kids. Damn this situation is screwed up. I think they'll be better off without each other. as much as it pains for me to admit this. In the long run, they will be with others who would do right by them. Some marriages cannot survive infidelity and cheating. It just wont. no matter how hard we try. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 This guy has been pushed past his emotional limit and his behaviour is out of control. He needs to be assessed and maybe put on some medication so he can get better. If he has never done this in the past, emotional outburts, violence, threats, then he IS suffering a huge breakdown now. I'm not defending his actions, they are wrong and disguisting, especially infront of the kids.. Seems he was so far gone he didn't 'see' or notice his kids right there. What an awful ordeal to have to go through. I do hope that you are in a safe place and have called the Cops (and his immediate boss) to let them know this has happened. I don't recall her ever saying her H was violent in the past or suicidal. As we all know from the news, and obviously what N is going through now, people do crazy things when past their emotional limit. Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 (edited) Thank you to everyone who responded about my post. It was a bit hard to write, so I'm glad you folks understood. NR, I hope the reason why you haven't posted is because you're busy packing and getting the heck out of Dodge. As far as visitation with the kids and H go, wow, I don't even know about something like that at this point. I don't care about the specifics. You don't point a gun at your two-year old and pull the trigger. I wonder about the legal ramifications of something like that would be? Anyway, be careful. Edited June 14, 2010 by StarChick Fixing another Eff Up Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 I'd like to point out that police departments have standard mental health departments just BECAUSE they know their officers go through intense mental strain day in and day out, more so than the average joe. They have seen it all. And just because an officer is going through intense stress at home doesn't mean they would throw him away. They would put him in therapy, if they know he has a problem, and they would try to fix him. Letting his department know the intense stress he is under could be a godsend for him, it could be the one thing that saves his life. It's pretty obvious that NOT doing anything isn't working, and is even endangering many people's lives. Whether you kicked it into high gear with your affair or not, NR, you need to get him help. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Call his chain of command, tell them what happened and about the drinking, and let them know that he needs help...NOW! Tell them that you're terrified about the danger to yourself and your kids...he needs INPATIENT help immediately! Get yourself and your kids clear of him...get a restraining order, and remove yourself and your kids from the danger. At this point, this has NOTHING to do with the affair...right now you need to take immediate action to protect yourself and your kids!!!!!!!! Get to a safe house, or get to someplace that you know is safe. Make it clear to him that what he's doing now is DANGEROUS, and you will not allow him to threaten you or the kids any further. GET HELP...don't worry about the whole affair/reconciliation right now...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS FIRST. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 He obviously does not have good coping mechanisms. First the sex after d-day (which I still think was more about humiliation than hysterical bonding), the involving the children in sleuthing your whereabouts, the demands for sex, and now drinking. Yes, what you did was wrong, very wrong. But you are not responsible for how he chooses to handle it. but she is responsible for the pain he is feeling that wouldn't otherwise require a reaction from him one way or the other had she not cheated. thats like saying someone getting angry is not the cheater's problem, when it is. now he chose to take it way over the top and that is not her fault, but the pain he is in certainly is. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 However, almost everytime I've had sex with my husband has been out of my duty as a wife to satisfy his needs as a man. I can tell you with all honesty I have found almost no pleasure in it at all. But, if you would ask my husband he would say it hasn't been the greatest, but enough to stay committed in which obviously I did not! I strayed with someone from my past and the sex was just as wonderful as it was before my marriage to my husband then there is nothing to save in this marriage unless you can keep your husband snowballed to those facts......or he knows the facts and doesn't care that you like the sex with another man and not him. after saying this, why do you even want this marriage? out of convenience? keeping the family together? I have made matters worse by cheating on my husband, not only did I betray his trust, but I also cannot bring myself to be the wife he deserves because of the intimacy I do not desire with him. Is this in any way fixable? Can a marriage survive with what I have just mentioned? again, no. and the bolded part is, in my opinion, why you shouldn't waste your husband's time any further. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Thursday evening my husband and I decided to go out for some coffee, maybe ease the tension at home and have some quality couple time. As we approaced the coffee shop he told me he would rather go to the bar down the street where the atmosphere is pretty lively . I was reluctant at first but thought if it makes him happy and he wants to be with me I'll go along. As the night progressed I noticed his drinking was getting excessive so I suggested we go home and he complied. However, when we did get home the questions began about OM. The more he asked the angrier he became, so I finally told him I was going to bed, maybe with a clear head in the morning we could continue. I closed the room to my bedroom and went to sleep, I heard my husband take off in his car, so I thought he might of left to cool down. Not more than an hour went by when he stormed into our bedroom, even more intoxicated than before. All I can say I have never been so frightened in my life! With no exaggeration, he got so agitated with me that I would refuse to answer anymore questions, I told him I was getting frightened and that he needed to stop. He ran into our bedroom closet and told me that I was really going to be scared once he would kill himself. That's when I noticed he had one of his guns in his hand. He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger I screamed thinking the worst, but nothing happened. My 2 year old was awakened by my screams and started to cry, my husband than pointed the gun at me and pulled on the trigger while I had my 2 year old in my arms. Again nothing happened, so he continued to threaten me and he put the gun to his head again and pulled the trigger for a third time. My other children were up by then, I screamed to them to get in the car as I ran out the door with my two year old. We took off to my sisters home. He left me many threatning messages on my cell, saying how he wanted to hunt me down and make me pay for what I have done to him and my boys. Fastforward to today. It has been a living hell since Thursday evening, have had no sleep. I've made sure my children are safe. I am in the process of trying to get info. on getting legally seperated from my husband. My family has suggested I put a restraining order on my husband. I don't think I will do that, because it will surely end his career. He contacted me this morning with profuse apologies, promising he will never drink again. He says I caused this ugly side of him to come out, but he would like to still work on the marriage, and continue to try and trust me again. I know I am the cause of the initial problem, however, I think this has become something even bigger, disturbing, and dangerous, I need to leave him. I am truly terrified of him! At this moment, working out our marriage is pointless. Any advice? yes, go into separation, prepare for divorce. the damage is done and even if his rage is short term, its not good for you, the kids, and most of all, him. he needs to heal, and he just might be a man, like me, who doesn't really see any chance that he can be happy with someone that cheated on him. its no good for you to be in that environment, and its no good for him to be with someone that cheated on him given how obviously detrimental the affair is to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Have you not read NR's last post??? She is not concerned about her marriage at this point in time, she came very close to losing her kids life's and her own. Get your head outta your ass.....Joe. I think Joe's point was that she wasn't concerned with her marriage BEFORE he started acting this way in response to her cheating. but I digress, its to the point now where she needs to get out, for both their sakes. Link to post Share on other sites
JRoy Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 As far as your husband still being with you, only time will tell. He may try for 10 years and be ok, then one day decide you're not worth it! He's gonna have triggers too, BET ON IT! Those triggers will send him back to day#1! It will be Hell all over again! My wife's A was 31 years ago. Trickle-down truth mixed with 'little white lies" since are powerful triggers that take me right back to D-day. As if it is happening right now. I am now at the point where I think I'm done with the M. Reading OP has been an eye opener. I WISH my W would have given me the truth when I originally asked. Link to post Share on other sites
JRoy Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 quote - "I'd hate to see you both falling asleep at the movies when you're 60 because it beats tossing and turning on sleepless nights next to each other because there is no fire between you" Ouch! You are describing my W and me. November-Rain, you may want to jot this one down for future reference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author November-Rain Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 These past few days have been quite turbulent. I have seperated from my husband, I did not put a restraining order on him, because I do not wish for him to be fired from his job. He has expressed remorse and has sworn he will never touch alcohol again. He said he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to my children and me. He realizes the rage he feels over my affair fueled by the alcohol turns him into a person he is ashamed of and no longer wants any part of, whether we stay together or not. He has started to get help, not sure where, but I know he is actively seeking some sort of treatment. My husband told me that the gun he pulled on me and himself was never meant to hurt me at all, he said he knew it would scare me, but because he was so intoxicated he was not aware of the severity of his actions. My husband seems to be sincere about what he says, however, I know that with time I will know for sure whether he means it or not. I feel extreme guilt over what transpired after my husbands alcohol meltdown. He is such a broken man, I do not recognize him anymore. He is so emotional and that is not the man I have known throughout all our years of marriage. I know we have many issues to deal with. I know I am sorry for the affair. I want us to heal and move on either together or apart. I know that intimacy with him is a problem, however, it has always been something I've struggled with, it has nothing to do with OM, although it is probably part of the reason I strayed. Again OM is not in my life anymore. Where do I go from here? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 You go it alone. You figure out what your issues are and you deal with them. You won't being doing your children or your husband a favor by staying with him. Your head isn't where it needs to be in marriage. You need to deal with you and learn to be the best parent you can. There is no fixing what was never there in the first place. If he isn't the one, leave him alone. He is emotionally spent. He won't think straight for awhile. Even with the pressure that the A put on him, he shouldn't have pulled the gun. The children will have that memory and it is something that he and you need to work to correct as soon as possible. He needs to figure out what he need on his own. The same for you. Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 *shrugs* We tried. I will say I'm glad you're separated for the time being. I second, third, and fourth what Bent said. I know you feel guilty for this latest craziness but guess what? Lots and lots of people get betrayed and don't act in such a destructive manner. The alcohol excuse doesn't fly from my point of view. That night would have been the end for me, but this is your life. Take care of your poor kids and good luck, NR. My thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 You start over. You separate, make sure ALL of you get counseling, and then it is day by day after that. Look at me, Bent, and others here who have picked up after the A and the D. You will be fine. You will all be fine in the end. I wish you peace during this transitional phase in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
candymoon Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 What they said. Do not guilt yourself into staying. It will only mean disaster. Why does it matter if the gun was loaded or not? Why would he even think to terrify his children this way? No, alcohol is a bullsnot excuse. He's running into extreme emotional torture territory now. It sucks to be a BS, hell I was, but he needs to get a grip. Being cheated on sucks, but guess what? We're not the first or last in the world to have it happen. There are worse things like being raped, left for dead in a ditch, or set on fire which actually does happen to people daily in the word. We get hurt and forget the perspective of things in life and lose control, which he has. And so have you if you stay out of guilt. Move on. It's best for you and your children. They are scarred for life. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 No, you are NOT responsible for his problem, don't let anyone tell you that! You are responsible for you and owning up to what you did. You are NOT responsible for how he chooses to deal with it. You are NOT responsible for bringing out his bad side, he's responsible for not being able to get his bad side under control. I am truly sorry he's hurting, but this is abuse. He must get help for his anger and alcoholism. He's a danger to your children otherwise. Until he does this, you need to stay away. Yes she is responsible for his problems. I have a few problems with your post, first you don't hold her responsible for her choices because "something must have been missing to make her cheat" and now that she has destroyed her husband its all on him Im sorry but you tend to be selective when assigning responsibility November-Rain, Congrats, you were a selfish person that started this thread about how "you can't choose between the OM and your H" and how you really loved the OM Was being so selfish really worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
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