Torn between lover and husband

[bestplayer]

You go it alone. You figure out what your issues are and you deal with them. You won't being doing your children or your husband a favor by staying with him. Your head isn't where it needs to be in marriage. You need to deal with you and learn to be the best parent you can. There is no fixing what was never there in the first place.

 

If he isn't the one, leave him alone. He is emotionally spent. He won't think straight for awhile. Even with the pressure that the A put on him, he shouldn't have pulled the gun. The children will have that memory and it is something that he and you need to work to correct as soon as possible.

 

He needs to figure out what he need on his own. The same for you.

 

I think i agree with bentnotbroken , If you believe you never felt that intimacy with him , he can't do any thing to change your heart .

His loosing control in that manner is not acceptable in any case but I am sure he is truly sorry about this.

Right now it looks like for your faimly only you can deal with this situation without being too emotional , so take control & deal with it the way that you think is best for all of you .

 

Bets of luck

[2.50 a gallon]

NR

 

Perhaps I can give you a little insight into what is going on in your husbands mind with his emotions. I do not condone his action with the gun, but I do in a way understand. I was once in his shoes.

 

First off, let me set the stage.

 

Most who know me would tell you I am one of the nicest guys you ever met. The real me is a poet, a boy scout who would help a elderly lady across the street. Someone who likes clouds, flowers, kittens and baking cookies. I raise tropical fish, not the big nasty kind, but the smaller peaceful kind. It works well with the flowers, as I water them with my change out water.

 

Most of my fish buddies, destroy their culls (bad or not up to par fish). Not me, I feel they are God's creatures and have special tanks for them.

 

There is another part of me that is not very pretty and it fact is the ugliest of uglys. It is hate, it is vengence, it is a demon that says destroy everything. It is a demon that I have locked in a vault, then chained and pad locked.

 

I used to wonder, why did I have this ugly demon in my soul, as it is so unlike me. I am now retired and with age, comes some understanding. It more than anything about me is the reason I was born. I call it my warrior gene and it is the reason that I was born.

 

I do not know my family history for more than five generations back But still I am the cumination of hundreds if not thousands of grand fathers. How many battles or what obsticles they had to over come I do not know. What I do realize, that with out this gene none of them would have survived long enough to reproduce and pass on this gene and I would have never existed.

[2.50 a gallon]

NR

 

Sorry had to break this up, as the first longer post did not go through

 

I am a baby boomer, I and my classmates fathers survived some things that are almost beyond comprehension. A week and 66 years ago, was D-Day, one of the ugliest of all scenes ever in the history of the world. I now realize that it was this nasty ugly demon gene that they passed on to the next generation that kept them coming ashore when all hope was lost. It was this gene that was the root of their survival, that and being lucky.

 

At an early age I somehow learned to cage the demon, and in fact it was a source of great strength at times when I needed it. As an example, in an athletic competition when my side was losing, or perhaps at work when my job had a deadline and we were way behind time. I learned to crack the safe and take just a sip, and I would get the energy, the desire to go that extra mile or work even harder in the last hours of the workday.

 

Then came the day I caught my ex-wife kissing a co-worker. In an instant, the chains and pad locks were busted, the door to the vault was wide open and the demon was loose. My life had just collapsed, I no longer cared about anything, there was no future, all happiness was gone.

 

The law and the goody two shoes of the world say that I was responsible for my actions. At that moment, those were just words on a piece of paper and I no longer cared. I had caught my wife cheating and I was out of control.

 

I was a factory worker, and always had a box opener in my back pocket. Had there not been a fence between I would have put it to good use. I'll let you guess what part of his body would have come up missing.

 

Common sense of a modern man did catch up to me and I was able to walk away. Eventually I did get the genie back in the bottle, and now have the demon back where it belongs back in the vault. Part of the reason that it is now safely locked away, is that until that moment I was not aware I was capable of becoming so unhinged

[turnera]

You let your husband go, so he can find a wife who does love him and will treat him with love, respect, and lust, as she should.

 

You get help yourself for your own demons.

 

You make a vow to NEVER demonize your exhusband to his kids, and you listen to them always, and get them help if they start showing signs of stress.

[fooled once]

NR, the best thing you can do is let your H heal.

 

Your rocked his world; you blew it wide open. The life he knew came crashing down on him. I am NOT excusing HIS behavior in any way as we are responsible for our behavior. But you were the catalyst, rather your affair, was the catalyst for this entire situation. You should feel guilt. Because with that guilt, you will grow, you will learn - actions have repercussions. Sometimes they are ugly, somethings they are horrendous.

 

He broke. Not everyone in this world is strong. We each react differently to the same situation. Some may have just kicked you out; some may have found the OM and beat the snot out of him. Your H turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows. He then, in that alcohol induced rage, picked up a gun.

 

I am SURE he is sorry. But, I also have to say, if someone hurt me to the core, rocked me world off its axis, and I turned to booze to soothe me, if I had access to a gun, I might have done what he did. None of us are 100% positive how we would react if we lived in his shoes and were HIM. We can speculate, and some have even experienced what he did, but they didn't experience with HIS emotions, his brain, his soul.

 

If someone intentionally hurt my child, to the point of breaking him, you are damn right I would want to go after them. Your H loved you in a way you don't understand...or maybe you do (but not in love for him; but love for the OM).

 

I don't sanction what he did at all. The gun incident was over the line for ME.

 

But had you not stepped out; had you been honest from the start about your feelings, had you communicated to him....this could have been avoided. So you are responsible for causing this chain of events; he is responsible for his actions.

 

If you aren't in love with him, if you have no desire for him - then leave him alone. Don't continue a phony marriage. That isn't fair to him OR to your kids.

 

Everyone needs counseling -- including yourself. I hope your family finds some peace.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Im sorry but you tend to be selective when assigning responsibility

Either you misread, or I miswrote.

 

So you are responsible for causing this chain of events; he is responsible for his actions.

This is what I meant. Trust me, I don't give anyone a free pass, namely myself. So I thank you for calling me on it, so I could clarify.

 

I am a little torn though. Everyone is saying that her actions drove him over the edge, and if she hadn't done what she did, this would have never happened. Are we sure about that? I am not trying to downplay anything, but in reading this thread, it is very obvious to me that this man does not have the appropriate coping mechanisms and anger management issues. I think this was a catalyst for something that was already there. JMO.

 

I'm also torn over something else- I looked at some back posts, and the OP came here a long time ago over a similar situation. I guess she never acted on it then.

 

I hope both of them will use this to get help for their issues, and will both become better people.

I wish them both the very best.

 

~BLT

Edited June 15, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[White Flower]

Either you misread, or I miswrote.

 

This is what I meant. Trust me, I don't give anyone a free pass, namely myself. So I thank you for calling me on it, so I could clarify.

 

I am a little torn though. Everyone is saying that her actions drove him over the edge, and if she hadn't done what she did, this would have never happened. Are we sure about that? I am not trying to downplay anything, but in reading this thread, it is very obvious to me that this man does not have the appropriate coping mechanisms and anger management issues. I think this was a catalyst for something that was already there. JMO.

 

I'm also torn over something else- I looked at some back posts, and the OP came here a long time ago over a similar situation. I guess she never acted on it then.

 

I hope both of them will use this to get help for their issues, and will both become better people.

I wish them both the very best.

 

~BLT

BLT, I was thinking that myself. I even wonder if this was a tendency of his AND if that tendency pushed her away early on in the R little by little. Not focusing blame on him, just wondering how the whole thing progressed from point A to point B and so on.

[JustJoe]

Come on, WF. ALL of the lies, and ALL of the cheating have been NR'S. Her H has no history of anything like this or she would have mentioned it, as an excuse for the affair. It's not like she has shown any consideration for HIS feelings, right? Why do some women always try to excuse women who cheat?

[White Flower]

Come on, WF. ALL of the lies, and ALL of the cheating have been NR'S. Her H has no history of anything like this or she would have mentioned it, as an excuse for the affair. It's not like she has shown any consideration for HIS feelings, right? Why do some women always try to excuse women who cheat?

My goodness Joe. I'm not even going to answer this. It was a serious question I had and that's it. Why do OM think everybody is beating them up when they join LS and then go beat up others after their Rs are repaired?

 

Why was it ok for you to cheat but nobody else? It's a rhetorical question that requires no response. Please don't PM me.

[lkjh]

Come on, WF. ALL of the lies, and ALL of the cheating have been NR'S. Her H has no history of anything like this or she would have mentioned it, as an excuse for the affair. It's not like she has shown any consideration for HIS feelings, right? Why do some women always try to excuse women who cheat?

 

 

Cheating women will always side with cheating women. They will destroy their husbands for no other reason then selfish ones.

[November-Rain]

Come on, WF. ALL of the lies, and ALL of the cheating have been NR'S. Her H has no history of anything like this or she would have mentioned it, as an excuse for the affair. It's not like she has shown any consideration for HIS feelings, right? Why do some women always try to excuse women who cheat?

 

JustJoe-I don't know what your trying to accomplish by constantly bashing me. I sincerely came here for help. I really do not have anyone I can talk to about my situation. I know I was selfish, and I am paying for it! The majority of people here have really given me perspective and clarity. Facing the ugliness of my affair was something I could not have done without many of you who really cared and took time to share your experiences with me. A lot of your stories have really hit home. Much of the advice I have recieved has been tough to swallow, but has pushed me into to doing the right thing, which is leaving OM, it doesn't matter anymore what I feel for OM, because whether I like it or not, I now know what an affair can do to people whom you really love and care for. My marriage is teetering into a possible divorce. The situation has changed now, because of what my husband has done. I am still hopeful that maybe one day we will be together again or at least get along for the sake of our children.

 

JustJoe- I don't know your story or as to why you are here, however, I do appreciate the time you have taken to post about my situation. I have mentioned many times that I am very sorry for what I have done to my husband. My poor judgment will forever haunt me. My children are my main focus. They have been through quite a bit. Thier safety and well being is my priority. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I feel immense remorse. Also dealing with what has happened in recent days as well as the guilt is overwhelming and I need help, I am numb and cannot think clearly. I feel hopeless at this moment.

[Dexter Morgan]

BLT, I was thinking that myself. I even wonder if this was a tendency of his AND if that tendency pushed her away early on in the R little by little.

 

she already said he was not like this before.

 

 

Not focusing blame on him

 

oh, I think you were hoping he was like this before she cheated, because it just HAD to be something her husband did to push her to cheat.

[JustJoe]

NR, If you think I'm bashing you, re-read my posts. They say mostly what the other posters say, but unlike them I'm also concerned about your husband's well-being, after all he is the real victim here, right? I don't wish you any ill, at all. But you married a man, you had no sexual attraction for, and because of this lack of attraction, you got your sex ,elsewhere. So let me ask you one question. What did you expect to happen?

[JustJoe]

OK, WF, I'll never PM you again, promise!

[November-Rain]

NR, If you think I'm bashing you, re-read my posts. They say mostly what the other posters say, but unlike them I'm also concerned about your husband's well-being, after all he is the real victim here, right? I don't wish you any ill, at all. But you married a man, you had no sexual attraction for, and because of this lack of attraction, you got your sex ,elsewhere. So let me ask you one question. What did you expect to happen?

 

JustJoe-What did I expect to happen? Well, if I knew then what I know now, I most definitely would of made a much more different decision. However, the path I chose obviously hurt the people I most love, and now they are in pain and I have to live with that. Lessons I've learned will be used to make things right again. It will take time and effort, but I do realize the pain may never completely disappear.

[JustJoe]

NR, I understand your feelings and wish that there was more that we posters could do to help. I feel that it is in your, your kids, and your husband's best interest for there to be a cooling off period of very limited and supervised contact, to prevent any recurrance of your husband's angry outburst. Then you must try your hardest to get him back into counseling. Enlist close friends and immediate family to help, if you think that they would have any positive influence with him. You and him can raise your kids seperately, with understanding and maturity, and that is what you should hope for. If you have no intimate feelings for him, don't try to save the marriage, save the family.

[bentnotbroken]

Just for the record, I am very concerned about the pain NR's husband is going through. The shear gravity of his despair to have pulled a gun at all but adding the children's presence:(....I remember all too well. But my only concern is the children. I have to admit I am angry that those poor kids are being put through this mess. So if we are ranking the concern I have for those involved the kids would be at the top of the list, then her BS who had no idea she didn't love him then NR because the pain she caused is going to be hell to try to repair. It is will take all the strength she has and then some.

[bestplayer]

JustJoe-I don't know what your trying to accomplish by constantly bashing me. I sincerely came here for help. I really do not have anyone I can talk to about my situation. I know I was selfish, and I am paying for it! The majority of people here have really given me perspective and clarity. Facing the ugliness of my affair was something I could not have done without many of you who really cared and took time to share your experiences with me. A lot of your stories have really hit home. Much of the advice I have recieved has been tough to swallow, but has pushed me into to doing the right thing, which is leaving OM, it doesn't matter anymore what I feel for OM, because whether I like it or not, I now know what an affair can do to people whom you really love and care for. My marriage is teetering into a possible divorce. The situation has changed now, because of what my husband has done. I am still hopeful that maybe one day we will be together again or at least get along for the sake of our children.

 

JustJoe- I don't know your story or as to why you are here, however, I do appreciate the time you have taken to post about my situation. I have mentioned many times that I am very sorry for what I have done to my husband. My poor judgment will forever haunt me. My children are my main focus. They have been through quite a bit. Thier safety and well being is my priority. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I feel immense remorse. Also dealing with what has happened in recent days as well as the guilt is overwhelming and I need help, I am numb and cannot think clearly. I feel hopeless at this moment.

 

 

November-Rain , right now it is better to let some time pass without making any major decison . The best thing is that you truly feel remorse , and feel it much more than most of the people on this site , forum & on this thread who had an affair .

So that is why We are hopeful that you will be able to do the right .

 

Best of luck

[Lecturer]

All I want to say is that this husband is a disgusting person. It is only under great strain that a person's true characteristics come out, and here we see what this cop is really like. Getting sloshed and driving. Getting even more drunk and driving again. Pointing guns at people and pulling the trigger. Threatening people's lives. How many INNOCENT lives did he put in danger? He pointed a gun in the vicinity of a 2 year old and pulled the trigger. He recklessly drove a vehicle on public streets with other motorists and pedestrians.

 

This is a man with whom we entrust the safety of others?

[bananalaffytaffy]

It is only under great strain that a person's true characteristics come out

ONLY under great strain? Are we sure about that?

 

I guess I have to agree with Joe. The life NR's H has been living has been a lie. I think at this point, leaving the H is the best that could be done for him. NR's posts do not talk about the love she has for her H, mostly the guilt she feels for betraying him.

 

Sounds like a life of misery for both of them. And for what?

[Reality Drip]

You need to either back out of the affair immediately and rekindle the love in your relationship or just break off your marriage.

 

No sense in watching your marriage and family spiral around the drain until it finally all goes south. Take some preventive measures; counseling, effort to rebuild. Something.

 

The odds of survival for an affair that breaks up a family are very small. Know what you're up against!

 

-Max

[JustJoe]

Someone once said that" Gratitude is a poor aphrodisiac", and I'm thinking that the same thing can be said about guilt. NR'S guilt over the affair and it's repercussions, really won't "fix", anything, make her more loving, or more desirous of her H, all it will do is continue a disasterous, and dishonest marriage, in which all parties have suffered. A period of calm is what's needed now, to assess the impact this mess has had on the kids, and for BOTH NR and her H to get the help with their individual issues.

[JustJoe]

Lecturer, news flash for you, cops are HUMAN, not robo-cops. As a soldier, I've had to face the worst of life, and cops do too. It is an enormously stressful job. This man's wife and family was his bedrock, his sanctuary from the sometimes disgusting things he experiences EVERY DAY! So what does he do , when all that he has worked for and believed in, is suddely pulled out from under him? Maybe a little more compassion is called for, OK?

[November-Rain]

Lecturer, news flash for you, cops are HUMAN, not robo-cops. As a soldier, I've had to face the worst of life, and cops do too. It is an enormously stressful job. This man's wife and family was his bedrock, his sanctuary from the sometimes disgusting things he experiences EVERY DAY! So what does he do , when all that he has worked for and believed in, is suddely pulled out from under him? Maybe a little more compassion is called for, OK?

 

JustJoe-You are completely correct! My husband has had to face the worst of life. He works for one of the most largest recognized cities in the world. Police Depts. around the world pattern after the city he works for. His particular position is very stressful, he is usually one of the first in line when facing dangerous criminals.

 

So, that brings me to the enormous guilt I feel....my husband did look to coming home to his wife and children as his safe haven. The place where he was not required to be on guard. I took that away from him by having an affair. I struggle every moment of the day knowing I am responsibile for taking that security away from him. I feel I have to help him through this error in judgment he made with the gun incident. My family says I need to get away and have no contact with him, because he is liable to snap again. They say I'm not the one to help him, he needs professional counseling. I know he needs it as well as myself. Not sure whether to go through a period of counseling before I allow him to come back to our home, or should I listen to his promises that he will get better only by coming home to us. To be truthful I am scared about that, but at the same time I feel I owe him.

[bentnotbroken]

JustJoe-You are completely correct! My husband has had to face the worst of life. He works for one of the most largest recognized cities in the world. Police Depts. around the world pattern after the city he works for. His particular position is very stressful, he is usually one of the first in line when facing dangerous criminals.

 

So, that brings me to the enormous guilt I feel....my husband did look to coming home to his wife and children as his safe haven. The place where he was not required to be on guard. I took that away from him by having an affair. I struggle every moment of the day knowing I am responsibile for taking that security away from him. I feel I have to help him through this error in judgment he made with the gun incident. My family says I need to get away and have no contact with him, because he is liable to snap again. They say I'm not the one to help him, he needs professional counseling. I know he needs it as well as myself. Not sure whether to go through a period of counseling before I allow him to come back to our home, or should I listen to his promises that he will get better only by coming home to us. To be truthful I am scared about that, but at the same time I feel I owe him.

 

Right now the only thing you owe is your children a safe environment. You may feel guilty, you may feel like you owe him....I don't know. But I do know those kids don't need to have their lives placed on a chance.

 

If you feel that strongly, then you and he need to go to counseling together and separetly. The children need counseling alone. If he is really wants his kids to be first, then supervised visits are the way to go until he feels more stable. I know the life of a officer is more than stressful, maybe even a leave of absence from work will help him to focus. But now, stay away from each other without a mediator.