Torn between lover and husband

[JRoy]

A cooling off period a good recommendation. I agree with JustJoe that period of calm is needed. I hope you continue NC with your former lover former lover. And except for MC, if H ever agrees to go again, NC with him either. And continue IC.

Time and distance can work wonders. Tough to see when your in the middle of the storm.

You can only control your actions. Your H is responsible for his. This is a terrible situation you have placed yourself and others in. Just do the next right thing in front of you. One step at a time. Baby steps maybe. I believe from reading your post's, you have some growing-up to do.

Best of life to you.

[BB07]

JustJoe-You are completely correct! My husband has had to face the worst of life. He works for one of the most largest recognized cities in the world. Police Depts. around the world pattern after the city he works for. His particular position is very stressful, he is usually one of the first in line when facing dangerous criminals.

 

So, that brings me to the enormous guilt I feel....my husband did look to coming home to his wife and children as his safe haven. The place where he was not required to be on guard. I took that away from him by having an affair. I struggle every moment of the day knowing I am responsibile for taking that security away from him. I feel I have to help him through this error in judgment he made with the gun incident. My family says I need to get away and have no contact with him, because he is liable to snap again. They say I'm not the one to help him, he needs professional counseling. I know he needs it as well as myself. Not sure whether to go through a period of counseling before I allow him to come back to our home, or should I listen to his promises that he will get better only by coming home to us. To be truthful I am scared about that, but at the same time I feel I owe him.

 

November Rain.......please don't allow the guilt you feel to guide you in the most important decision of keeping yourself and your children safe. As others have suggested the whole family needs some counseling. You alone can NOT fix this. I think your family is right.....he is liable to snap again and the next time it could have even worse consequences. Distance and some time and counseling is what everyone needs right now. What you all have experienced is a very traumatic situation and the big issue of your husbands violence has to be addressed by him......FIRST, then you both can figure out later if you want to be married or not.

 

I wish your whole family healing and peace.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I assume he was sober when he said he'd never do it again, right? Isn't that what an abuser does? Acts out and then apologizes when the high of the rage is over? What is he doing other that talking to prove that he's working on his anger issues?

 

Women that go back to these kinds of situations where no action is taken to stop the behavior have sometimes wound up dead. Do you think they would have gone back if they thought they'd be killed? Of course not. Do you think the H meant it when he said come home, I'll never do it again? Of course.

 

IMO, you returning only makes him more dangerous, not less. What happens if you go back, he looks at you in that way, or he wants to make love, and you just don't seem that into it. He then looses his cool, the neighbors call the cops. He has a domestic dispute call on his record. You are the trigger. You are the last thing he needs in his life right now.

[White Flower]

BLT, I was thinking that myself. I even wonder if this was a tendency of his AND if that tendency pushed her away early on in the R little by little. Not focusing blame on him, just wondering how the whole thing progressed from point A to point B and so on.

Even Janis Harper Spring who wrote After the Affair and counsels couples who want to reconcile suggests in her book that oftentimes a BS behaved in ways that led the WS to cheat. Besides, I only 'wondered' and do not feel this is the case every time. Just read my nearly 5000 posts to see for yourself.

Come on, WF. ALL of the lies, and ALL of the cheating have been NR'S. Her H has no history of anything like this or she would have mentioned it, as an excuse for the affair. It's not like she has shown any consideration for HIS feelings, right? Why do some women always try to excuse women who cheat?

I am not one of those women. Read above.

 

Cheating women will always side with cheating women. They will destroy their husbands for no other reason then selfish ones.

No they won't. I've called many a MW out on certain issues. Check my history.

 

I have a close friend who is cheating on her H right now and I tell her every day what a fool she is. In THIS case, her basis for cheating is just wrong. He is a good man who doesn't deserve what she is dishing out.

 

oh, I think you were hoping he was like this before she cheated, because it just HAD to be something her husband did to push her to cheat.

Whatever D.

OK, WF, I'll never PM you again, promise!

Good.

 

NR, best of luck to you. Try to get in your 500 posts so you'll get PM priveleges. You need all the help you can get girl.

[whichwayisup]

See how his counselling goes and what changes actually happen. As well as him going to AA, so he can stop drinking.

 

Nothing is carved in stone, nothing is final so no need to make any life long decisions at this moment... Protect your kids, stay safe and go from there.

[Lecturer]

Lecturer, news flash for you, cops are HUMAN, not robo-cops. As a soldier, I've had to face the worst of life, and cops do too. It is an enormously stressful job. This man's wife and family was his bedrock, his sanctuary from the sometimes disgusting things he experiences EVERY DAY! So what does he do , when all that he has worked for and believed in, is suddely pulled out from under him? Maybe a little more compassion is called for, OK?

 

Compassion ends when you endanger the life of innocent children. I've been fed a S*#t-sandwich in life too, and never reacted in a way that put innocent people at risk. What laudable things you do or have done doens't give one a free pass.

[JustJoe]

Lecturer, Compassion doesn't "end", or "begin", it is. This man is deserving of compassion, as is NR , as are their Kids. His acts may be disturbing, but that in no way precludes him from human empathy. Just as NR's acts do not preclude her. Rigid condemnation of a person's acts is right and proper, rigid rejection of a human being, in need, is inhuman.

[Windsurf66]

There were quite a number of cases of homicide where the husband killed the whole family (children and the adulterer).

 

The children did not deserve to be punished for the adulterer's misdeeds.

 

The children should be moved to somewhere safe, but the OP should stay to face up to her misdeeds, which had precipitated the husband's behaviour and endangered her children's lives.

 

I doubt she will stay, since adulterers are cowards and have no integrity in the first place, thats why they committed adultery

[Windsurf66]

Repeated post deleted

[turnera]

I have a close friend who is cheating on her H right now and I tell her every day what a fool she is. In THIS case, her basis for cheating is just wrong. He is a good man who doesn't deserve what she is dishing out.

Have you told her husband? If not, then you're collaborating.

[Silly_Girl]

Have you told her husband? If not, then you're collaborating.

 

Does NR's thread really have to take that turn? You could start a new one.

[U2RockZz]

you already made him insane....why not end it once for all...if you can't answer his questions why put up a show like you seriously trying to commit or whatever...i think he already knows gun wasn't loaded...let's say even if it is loaded he aimed first shot at himself(of course it's insane)...but what's the point in hiding the details of your affair if you are trying to save whatever is left...that is pretty much as much brainless...get the fu***** divorce while both of you are alive....and don't ruin this guy financially....

[White Flower]

Have you told her husband? If not, then you're collaborating.

I resent the fact that you would assume I wouldn't tell him; further, I resent the fact that you would consider that an effort to collaborate. Their sex life was none of my business before they separated and it certainly isn't now.

 

He knows she is playing the field and he is allowing it because he dished it out tenfold early on and throughout their M. She is making him pay for his past and he is letting her do it. I tell her two wrongs don't make a right but she is determined to make him suffer. I tell him what I feel he can do to repair their M because I do believe this M is repairable. He leans on me if as much if not more than she does.

 

Now back to NR, this is her thread afterall.

 

NR, please start posting on other threads, even if it is a few words. You really need PM rights dear.

 

PS

How can anyone make anyone else insane? You have a choice to react or respond to stress. Her H reacted.

Edited June 18, 2010 by White Flower

[turnera]

I resent the fact that you would assume I wouldn't tell him;

Fair enough.

 

So did you?

[White Flower]

Fair enough.

 

So did you?

As I stated in my earlier post, he already knows and allows it. He sees it as payback.

[cavedweller]

November-Rain,

 

Your marriage is over...

 

Remember the words in that old song:

 

"Ya gota know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

 

Hire a divorce attorney and move on...

 

cavedweller

[U2RockZz]

Compassion ends when you endanger the life of innocent children. I've been fed a S*#t-sandwich in life too, and never reacted in a way that put innocent people at risk. What laudable things you do or have done doens't give one a free pass.

 

may be you never had a gun i guess.....

it is clear the gun was empty his intent was to get some answers ,she was so stubborn /callous/emotionless/cruel that he had pull a trigger at himself...yet he hadn't got a answer....what does that say about the OP....anyways why are you arguing on a baseless facts....do you really have a point

 

you went on blame him as a monster all along ....so what would you say about NR she cheated on him not once but number of times...half of her entire M is been a lie for her H....her H wasted enough time on this woman already

[BB07]

may be you never had a gun i guess.....

it is clear the gun was empty his intent was to get some answers ,she was so stubborn /callous/emotionless/cruel that he had pull a trigger at himself...yet he hadn't got a answer....what does that say about the OP....anyways why are you arguing on a baseless facts....do you really have a point

 

you went on blame him as a monster all along ....so what would you say about NR she cheated on him not once but number of times...half of her entire M is been a lie for her H....her H wasted enough time on this woman already

 

 

Sometimes the ignorance here surprises me! Loaded or unloaded it doesn't make a damn.....he used it to intimidate, harass, threaten her and the kids. NOTHING she did or didn't do, makes that alright!

 

She never said he was a monster, she knows he is a very troubled man who snapped. She knows her actions had a hand in it......but still that does not excuse what HE DID!

[U2RockZz]

first of all my post wasn't directed to to the NR...it was directed to LECT....

 

and it does make a whole lot of difference if it was loaded it would have killed at least him(since it was aimed at him for the first shot),if it isn't it just a iron peace...may be not a smartest idea to get the truth but could have been effective if he got some answers(yet he got nothing).... even that insane thing he came up with has not worked on her...what does that say about her....she gives a damn about him or his life...

she is acting like a victim over here...fact is he is the real victim not once but multiple times....

 

why is it always some thing to do with a male....she is crazy as hell

[Silly_Girl]

first of all my post wasn't directed to to the NR...it was directed to LECT....

 

and it does make a whole lot of difference if it was loaded it would have killed at least him(since it was aimed at him for the first shot),if it isn't it just a iron peace...may be not a smartest idea to get the truth but could have been effective if he got some answers(yet he got nothing).... even that insane thing he came up with has not worked on her...what does that say about her....she gives a damn about him or his life...

she is acting like a victim over here...fact is he is the real victim not once but multiple times....

 

why is it always some thing to do with a male....she is crazy as hell

 

The kids can't rationalise that though, a gun is a gun is a gun. Plus, this is a boundary that's been violated, he could go further next time, a lot further. NR's husband needs urgent help and once he's safe, and has an outlet and some help to process this - and NR and the kids are safe - then and only then can anyone involved start to think seriously about what the future holds. A truly awful situation for all of them.

[BB07]

first of all my post wasn't directed to to the NR...it was directed to LECT....

 

and it does make a whole lot of difference if it was loaded it would have killed at least him(since it was aimed at him for the first shot),if it isn't it just a iron peace...may be not a smartest idea to get the truth but could have been effective if he got some answers(yet he got nothing).... even that insane thing he came up with has not worked on her...what does that say about her....she gives a damn about him or his life...

she is acting like a victim over here...fact is he is the real victim not once but multiple times....

 

why is it always some thing to do with a male....she is crazy as hell

 

 

So you think it's OK.......to point an empty gun at yourself and your wife in front of the kids cause she drove him to it. Hey it wasn't loaded right.......:rolleyes: Just as long as he would have just offed himself in front of the rest of the family, that's OK too, right?

 

She is a victim in THIS incident, but you are so hung up on how he was done wrong, you don't get it. :eek:

 

 

Somebody else please jump in and try to explain that playing with guns is not OK........I give up. :sick:

[U2RockZz]

ok, let's say a gun was pointed at me(assume i don't know whether it is loaded or not),i would have offered him mine,my father's and for that matter even my neighbor's money....why isn't this lady has answered his queries....either she knows the gun wasn't loaded or she doesn't give a damn about his life.....but she is not scared as she put it....she is not a victim in any of those cases ....she is a master manipulator

[BB07]

Good freakin grief! This entire freaking board has been testy the last couple days! Must be the heat. I feel sorry for Tony, he must be busy lately.

 

IT IS NOT OKAY TO PULL A GUN. Loaded or unloaded. In front of the kids or not.

This behavior is not okay under any circumstances. Period.

 

Everybody take a deep breath.

 

 

I did take a breath or else I would have been doing "my time in the pokey". :laugh:

[Darth Vader]

JustJoe-What did I expect to happen? Well, if I knew then what I know now, I most definitely would of made a much more different decision. However, the path I chose obviously hurt the people I most love, and now they are in pain and I have to live with that. Lessons I've learned will be used to make things right again. It will take time and effort, but I do realize the pain may never completely disappear.

 

 

I suggest that you Divorce your husband, for all of your safety. But, if I were you, I wouldn't take anything financially from him. You both should have joint custody of the children, that way both of you pay for your childrens welfare. You shouldn't go for child support, no point in making your husband pay even more for your affair. But, that means that you're going to have to get a job.

 

Secondly, your husband would be open to date who he wants to, I don't know if that's something that he's considered doing, but people here on LS say that BS's consider revenge affairs, I don't condone that though. However, you need to do what you need to do to remain in safety.

 

People who are considering an affair need to read this whole thread, this is why people on LS strongly Discourage having an affair, because of the possible fallout that NR is now experiencing!

 

NR, Your affair is your fault!

Your husband brandishing and pointing a gun at you is his fault, including any other abuse he does!

Get the HELL out of there NOW!

Your life is in Danger!!!!!!!!!!!!

[White Flower]

You shouldn't go for child support, no point in making your husband pay even more for your affair. But, that means that you're going to have to get a job.

 

Why don't people realize that married fathers, or any father really, already pay child support when the M is happy and healthy? Why should that change just because there is a D??? If he pays all of it now, he should pay for all of it after a D. If she gets a job his portion is lowered. That is why each state has 'guidelines', a formula they use to determine what is reasonable and customary. Anything else is just an opinion.

 

Perhaps you meant she shouldn't go for alimony? Even then, he will have to pay if it falls under the guidelines.