She needs a break...I'm losing my mind...

[Agh!]

Hello,

 

I am currently going out of my mind over my g/f of over 7 months. Out of *nowhere* she tells me that she needs some "time off" because she's not sure what she feels, thinks, or wants to do. She says that the relationship is "too strong" for her...although this was never a problem before. I know I have very strong feelings for her..and I know she does for me, but for whatever reason, she can't deal with it. She feels she needs to "make sure" that she can handle the relationship. This was never a verbally-expressed problem before.

 

I know part of it has to do with our age gap. She is still going to school. I've been out of college for 2 years, and I'm working full-time. She feels that her "teenageness" is waning away, and that she wants to explore it before it goes away. I, on the other hand, see this almost as an excuse, or a blind-spot. That acting like a college freshman for a few more years will do nothing for her...if anything, it'll make her realise that she made a mistake. If anything, she shows herself constantly as someone "older" than she really is. And although I'm stubborn about wanting to be with me, she's almost equally as stubborn about being indecisive. She talks in circles, and I don't know how else to tell her how much I care...other than waiting for her to have "her time."

 

So what am I to do? I know that I should let her alone--that is a given. However, I feel as if I'm doing "nothing," and that it appears that I am letting her walk on me. If I try to make an ultimatum, it won't work--it will seem that I'm insensitive to her concerns...and I understand her concerns. But still, I feel like I'm going nuts. When you feel what I've felt for her for so long...only to have this thrown at you, it's hard to cope.

 

I don't know if anyone can help, but I just had to scream out a bit into the wilderness, if anything to make me feel like I'm doing something.

 

Thank you,

 

Going Out of My Mind

[magicklady]

You know what this is out of your hands now.. it is all her decision on what she is going to do with her life. I hate to say this but I think she is being smart about the whole thing wanting to enjoy herself while she is still young.. too young to really settle down. College were the most fun years of my life. Carefree... I don't think she would ever regret having those years.. You need to just move on and let her do what she is going to do.. if it was meant to be then it will happen, but right now I think you are beating your head against a brick wall because she doesn't want to be with you.. she is just trying to be nice about the whole thing by saying she doesn't know what she wants. You are older and more than likely ready to settle down... and 7 months is not really a long time to be together, maybe it has been a problem with her all along and she just didn't want to tell you because it would hurt your feelings. Good luck to you, but my best advice is BACK OFF, it does not make it seem like she is walking all over you.. it looks like you have moved on

[Taressa]

I heard your wilderness scream....

 

My guess is that you and this girl immediately "clicked", found something in each other you needed and felt somehow completed. Yes, it hurts now but don't despair.

 

Girlfriend is just a little immature. She swung into a grand relationship with her whole heart and now that you have expressed some serious future-minded feelings, she feels scared and unsure. It happens pretty often in these whirlwind type romances. Suddenly we realize that love kidnapped us from our friends and previous lifestyles and we're not so sure we want to lose those things.

 

Your relationship can be saved if you're able to talk with her. If you are willing to wait while she works through the issue tell her so. Don't let her have the control of an open-ended commitment from you, however. Let her know you are willing to move on without her if she can't come to grips with loving and being loved soon.

 

Keep your self-esteem and smarts about you. Seek out your friends and do things you enjoy; your happiness does not depend on her presence.

 

I don't know if anyone can help, but I just had to scream out a bit into the wilderness, if anything to make me feel like I'm doing something.

 

Thank you, Going Out of My Mind

[PLUMERIA]

i am going through the same thing with wanting some "time off".i love my boyfriend-he is my best friend but there are so many things that can complicate a relationship.my problem is that i'm very independent,work full time as a nurse,own my own home-a lot of men can't handle that-i like being alone. we have lived together for only a few months although"been together"for 2 years.it was extremely hard for me to 'let him in' physically and emotionally.i still love him and trust him-i need some space-he is stifling me.he is on disability and works 'when he feels like it'which never used to bother me before,but other things started happening, he is addicted to tv,procrastinates until i get so upset that 'i want to be left alone'he has a horrible past (we'll leave it at that),there used to be so much passion,....there isn't now-so i'd rather be alone than deal with it-we are going to try counseling now(i asked him if he wanted to go over 2 weeks ago)once again he 'put it off'until i got so upset and unhappy i don't want him around anymore. any advice/comments??? thanks

You know what this is out of your hands now.. it is all her decision on what she is going to do with her life. I hate to say this but I think she is being smart about the whole thing wanting to enjoy herself while she is still young.. too young to really settle down. College were the most fun years of my life. Carefree... I don't think she would ever regret having those years.. You need to just move on and let her do what she is going to do.. if it was meant to be then it will happen, but right now I think you are beating your head against a brick wall because she doesn't want to be with you.. she is just trying to be nice about the whole thing by saying she doesn't know what she wants. You are older and more than likely ready to settle down... and 7 months is not really a long time to be together, maybe it has been a problem with her all along and she just didn't want to tell you because it would hurt your feelings. Good luck to you, but my best advice is BACK OFF, it does not make it seem like she is walking all over you.. it looks like you have moved on

[billy the kid]

agh, when I was 25 i was dating a girl of 22, same thing happened to me, so I swore I would never date a girl under 24..so then what happens?? well I meet a woman of 29 and we get married and live happily ever after.. yea right, no we broke up also.. moral is no matter what the age difference if you both are not totally committed to each other this stuff happens. wouldn't it be great if we were like geese and doves so no matter through the good "flights" and bad "fights" we would stay together??maybe we ought to be studying nature more..

Hello, I am currently going out of my mind over my g/f of over 7 months. Out of *nowhere* she tells me that she needs some "time off" because she's not sure what she feels, thinks, or wants to do. She says that the relationship is "too strong" for her...although this was never a problem before. I know I have very strong feelings for her..and I know she does for me, but for whatever reason, she can't deal with it. She feels she needs to "make sure" that she can handle the relationship. This was never a verbally-expressed problem before. I know part of it has to do with our age gap. She is still going to school. I've been out of college for 2 years, and I'm working full-time. She feels that her "teenageness" is waning away, and that she wants to explore it before it goes away. I, on the other hand, see this almost as an excuse, or a blind-spot. That acting like a college freshman for a few more years will do nothing for her...if anything, it'll make her realise that she made a mistake. If anything, she shows herself constantly as someone "older" than she really is. And although I'm stubborn about wanting to be with me, she's almost equally as stubborn about being indecisive. She talks in circles, and I don't know how else to tell her how much I care...other than waiting for her to have "her time." So what am I to do? I know that I should let her alone--that is a given. However, I feel as if I'm doing "nothing," and that it appears that I am letting her walk on me. If I try to make an ultimatum, it won't work--it will seem that I'm insensitive to her concerns...and I understand her concerns. But still, I feel like I'm going nuts. When you feel what I've felt for her for so long...only to have this thrown at you, it's hard to cope. I don't know if anyone can help, but I just had to scream out a bit into the wilderness, if anything to make me feel like I'm doing something.

 

Thank you, Going Out of My Mind

[Agh!]

Thanks for all of your advice, I greatly appreciate it because a lot of your ideas and thoughts mirror my own. I've been trying steadily to see things from a more rational standpoint, but as you know, with matters with the heart that is quite difficult.

 

I am not questioning the virtues of giving her "time." That by itself is needed. If she truly loves me, I want to know that she *truly* does. I don't want her telling me so if it isn't true. I'd rather deal with the heartache and confusion than live a lie. I hate hearing "I love you" when it means something other than that. It takes me forever before I use that word.

 

If she needs more time with her friends...damn, I wished she told me. I actually don't see my own friends as much as I did before. If that is the case, hopefully this will help her balance things.

 

If I truly love her, I need to respect her wishes. But of course, all of you who are testosterone-enhanced as I realise that being "powerless" without a tangible active solution is difficult.

 

However, my main issue that I'm grappling with is the probability (and unfortunate painful neccessity) of letting her go. I love her. I love her so much. In her, I see everything I need. (I'm crying just thinking about her.) She means the world to me. I only wish I could speed the clock up a bit on her end...

 

However, she has her life. I cannot take her life away from her--she needs to live it. If I truly love her--and I do--I have to be willing to let her go. However, that isn't the easiest thing for me. (I'm sure you can all realise this.) I'm not sure how I can do this...and I don't need your advice (and don't *want* your advice) on how to; this is something that no one but I can figure out.

 

The thing about my "future plans," they were going to happen if I met her or not. I feel stifled at home, unfulfilled at work, and tired of living in New Jersey (I'm sure you know what that is like if you live here. . I graduated college, and now I feel like I'm "hanging out" when I should really be putting my life into focus and into gear.

 

Part of her plans in attending university also coincided with my own personal plans of relocation. If anything, her plans gave me an excuse to start really working hard on moving. The Really Big Interpersonal Issues...Marriage, kids...damn, I'm 25 but that stuff scares me. I don't have any intentions in rushing into that. I only wish to be married *once*...but I want that to be solid and *certain*. If it was to be with her...that wouldn't be happening for years and years and YEARS to come. These issues are painful after 7 mos., and I cannot imagine the travail if it happened after many years.

 

Regardless, I'm waiting for her to contact me. She needs to take that step. If I interfere, the whole point of this "time off" is ruined. I do care for her deeply, and if I can truly say that, I need to take her needs into consideration. I'm keeping myself busy with work, church, friends, and working out heavy (helps with the rage and the pain). A little bit of the delicious Blue Label helps as well. (But not too much--I'm not an alcoholic, and that stuff is very expensive.

 

I also have to be willing to let her go. I wasn't anticipating having to make that step so early...but if that is what needs to happen, it needs to happen. I still hate it, but what else to do? Exactly, nothing. We'll see what happens.

 

Well, that was a long message. I don't know if I need advice, but it feels better to put my thoughts into tangible words on the screen. Now maybe I can get back to work...

[Taressa]

You are such a sweet guy. I wish you the best.

 

I know you'll hurt for awhile but you will be okay.

 

Testosterone and New Jersey free,

 

Taressa

[Elmer]

You're dealing with this very well Agh!

 

I'm in a similar situation, my girlfriend is 25 though and we've been together 5 years. I imagine you see a break as the end of the relationship and that you may be losing what may be to you the one-and-only to something as trifling as a need for freedom.

 

At least what you're telling yourself (about how you'll handle it) seems to be the right thing to do. Hopefully, if you still want to, you'll be able to deal with her being away from you without then destroying your feelings for her, leaving the possibility open that you can get back together - it's hard though. My own natural reaction to my girlfriend saying she'll leave would be to start sleeping around to validate myself or to get back at her.

 

If there's anything I've picked up in these forums is that heavy breakups do happen and that good relationships can finish for no good reason.

[Agh!]

You're dealing with this very well Agh!

I'm in a similar situation, my girlfriend is 25 though and we've been together 5 years. I imagine you see a break as the end of the relationship and that you may be losing what may be to you the one-and-only to something as trifling as a need for freedom. At least what you're telling yourself (about how you'll handle it) seems to be the right thing to do. Hopefully, if you still want to, you'll be able to deal with her being away from you without then destroying your feelings for her, leaving the possibility open that you can get back together - it's hard though. My own natural reaction to my girlfriend saying she'll leave would be to start sleeping around to validate myself or to get back at her. If there's anything I've picked up in these forums is that heavy breakups do happen and that good relationships can finish for no good reason.

Well, at least I'm attempting to deal with this well...and some days after all of this mess, I've been able to deal well. I've absorbed myself with running, lifting, and working (might as well use my rage for something). I'm sort of "lapsing into my youth," doing things with friends and acting a little goofy. (i.e., getting a tatoo I always wanted to get and the like.) If anything, this showed me how "old" I was acting for my age, and that I should enjoy life in all its fullness.

 

But at times, I just cannot help but either be pissed off or sad. I know that this is something that I'm going to have to work through; it's not going to go away in a day...or a week...or maybe even a month. But it'll be there until I exorcise all of these demons.

 

However, I don't think that I want to re-start anything with her. After all of this, I really don't know if that would be something that I would truly want. She screwed up with this guy (which caused this whole calamity) and although I will be able to deal with her as a friend, I'm not sure that I'd be able to be her boyfriend again. She is still seeing and hanging out with him, and that just still hurts and makes me enraged. The strings are still attached to that pain. If I started things again with her, it would never be the same. Part of me would always be wondering what she's doing with whom. It's a bit jealous, but once bitten...

 

Right now, I'm going to parties, having a good time, and calling more friends than I have in over a year. In fact, I'm going to a doosy of a party this weekend, and it should be a *very* good time. Part of me is thinking I'll flirt and...well...not rebound, but not keep anything permanent--I'll keep it at that. We'll see what the scotch does to my brain...and other organs.

 

However, I still have a hard time getting to sleep--and there is just a flutter of heaviness in my chest. I do so want to be with her...but that isn't possible anymore. When the hurt ends, the friendship will begin--but the relationship is dead, and it will be a long time before I get into a new one. I need to burn this baggage before I meet another woman (or "the woman"). I wouldn't unleash it on my worst enemy.

 

Take care, thanks to all of you for your help. I'm so incredibly appreciative to you all.

 

Agh!