My universe is collapsing in on itself, a selfish black hole of despair

[Papillon]

I'd like to get you guys' opinion and input, critique and advice on a recent emotional experience of mine.

 

I recently (four months ago) started a new job as lead software developer for a medium-sized company, and it's here that I met a wonderful, 25-year old girl (I'm 26), let's call her Lee, because that is her nickname. She is purchasing coordinator and the boss's PA. She's VERY attractive and sexy, and very intelligent. As software developer, all contractual communique's to and from clients are relayed through her, as she archives all e-mails and technical spec updates for software contracts, so that there is a written record of such things. As such, even though she works "upstairs", I saw her frequently, and talked to her often in her office. We got along like a house on fire. But it was always professional and aboveboard.

 

Needless to say, since I have been single for almost four years now, I grew quite an emotional and UTTER physical attachment to her (I'm still deciding on whether I'm really into HER as opposed to the IDEA of her). Well, we started chatting via e-mail in a non-sexual, but , for me, emotionally profound manner. This went on for quite a while, and my enfatuation grew exponentially. I've always been attractive so I don't have hang-ups about these things, but I've always been the romantic dreamer type, and I'm quite eloquent, verbally, especially when it comes to women. I'm rather demure when it comes to physical expression (I hate pulling the stud routine), but just gimme a pen and paper (or a keyboard, of course)... I was very complimentary to her...

 

Turned out she'd been involved with a guy for almost five years, and they were making plans to get married and settle down. I don't know if it was the fact that she liked the attention and compliments, but eventually I got enough signals from her so as to warrant me exposing my feelings without worrying about her rejecting me. Well, what a moment. I think I really overwhelmed her, and I think she was REALLY flattered (well, I had a clue..she told me as such ).

 

Then one day we went for coffee after work, and we chatted and chatted and really really cemented our friendship, but of course it was more than that...there was an ENORMOUS amount of sexual tension between us. Well, we kissed, and that was the start of it.

 

From that day on there was this charged vibe between us, sly smiles, stares, candid physical contact, etc. I'd bring little flowers to work and stick them in her keyboard or leave them around where she'd later discover them. Yup... I was really really just ignoring the reality of the situation, and I think she was too. Everything was kept massively secret, and I think that made it all the more exciting. I was really falling in love with her, even though it was an impossible dream. We both knew that eventually we would be entirely physical with each other, and that it was gonna be great. And so it turned out to be.... almost.

 

She invited me over one evening, and as she shares a townhouse apartment with her sister, it had to be very hush hush and secret (read: LATE AT NIGHT). I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say that it was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC (for me, at least ). But then the demon reared its ugly head - The problem was that afterwards she felt very guilty, and I felt very bad for making her feel guilty,and it affected us in such a way that we were very stiff and formal with each other for a couple of days, but the mood relaxed and eventually it happened again. and again a few times, each time with the same gut-wrenching guilt.

 

It would end like this: We'd feel guilty, not talk, lighten up, she'd invite me to talk about it, we'd end up being physical it even though our intentions were to not do anything. And so proceed ad infinitum, the Evil, terrible cycle.

 

It's now come to that stage where I can't let go, but she desperately needs me to let go, to return her life to normal. I'm playing havoc with her emotions, and she's asked me to not be friends with her AT ALL, i.e not talk to her any more than I must.

 

I understand completely...I promised her time and again that she could trust me when I came over, but then I'd break my promise and she'd fall into her own trap our sexual need. So while I'm normally VERY consequent in my actions, with her I just can't say no. Especially as it always starts with a backrub...little more, little more...you know the rest.

 

Now, I have nothing of her. Not even friendship....just memories. She forces herself to ignore me unless we HAVE to work together, and then it's in a perfunctory manner (even though it's bloody obvious as daylight that it pains her to do so and to see what it does to me). I don't know what to do. I'm so in love with her.... Having to see her every day with my emotions filled with laughter and sadness and not being able to talk to her...

 

I know what you're thinking: that she just wanted the excitement and when it got stale she let me go...but lemme assure you its not like that. There's obviously a lot that I'm leaving out for lack of recall, but she really is a sensitive, caring girl.

 

Well, this January after she came back from vacation, she was sporting a beautiful tan, and a beautiful rock on her left hand......

 

Oh my god... I'm in total despair! She's even more distant now than ever before...I don't know what I'm going to do - suddenly, against the backdrop of her life, the silhouette of my own life is really really ugly - like the monster's shadow against the wall in a bad horror flick. I desperately need to find balance now, but putting everything into perspective is really really hard...I can't even cry anymore, I'm all cried out.

[Samson]

I really don't mean to sound flippant, but have you thought about treating yourself to a few weeks or days of total hedonistic abandonment? Even giving yourself a few hours to dwell on something besides this issue might be effective, but based on just the length of the post, it probably won't work.

 

What about a long vacation? Get out of town; get away from work; and get away from her for a while: get your own great tan, have wild frivolous relationships with total strangers in an exotic location; sip a drink that has a little umbrella in it!

 

AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE: Do not bring any friends with you so that you can cry on their shoulder the entire time: GO ALONE

 

So, let me know that you've booked your flight to Bangkok and that in the very near future you will be sampling every exotic treat Thailand has to offer.

[Papillon]

She got engaged drifting on an azure sea between white jungle-covered cliffs in Thailand....OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE!!

[Samson]

I see, you might be wondering whether or not my suggestion to vacation in Thailand was only serendipity?

[moimeme]

she really is a sensitive, caring girl

 

Um. 'Sensitive, caring girl', while in a five-year relationship with her future fiancee, has a fling with somebody else entirely. The two are not congruent. The wretched fact of life is that people who get involved with people who have other commitments eventually come to grief. Getting one's heart broken is a rotten way to have to learn a lesson but I hope you swear off friendships with committed people from now on.

 

As for what to do, it'll be that much harder to get over her because you work together but you will eventually get over it. I'd suggest that, rather than going away alone, you do spend time with everyone in your support network. Ask them to help you out by keeping you busy. You need to occupy yourself with other interesting pursuits for a while.

[Samson]

you do spend time with everyone in your support network. Ask them to help you out by keeping you busy. You need to occupy yourself with other interesting pursuits for a while

 

To me, this sounds like just as good a plan, particularly if you want to get in touch with your feminine side: Breakout a nice Zinfindel, invite all your friends for a sleep over, and do each other's nails.

 

Be sure they bring their own gallon of ice cream.

[xdor]

what is it with samson and women-N-ice cream? duz ur wife eat whole gallons of ice cream?

[moimeme]

Or maybe they can order in pizzas, drink beer, and watch football.

 

Let me rephrase. Get together with your homies for a booze and pizza blowout and watch football till your eyes bleed. There, better?

[Samson]

Yeah, Bleeding eyes should do the trick of forgetting your lost love and forbidden pursuit

 

[Papillon]

I've just re-read my original saga....and it seems so long ago...a life-time away.

 

Re-reading it made me remember all those feelings I had for this girl, but time has really put it all in a different perspective. The girl has since departed the company for a brighter future elsewhere, and I remember everything with a poignant fondness, but no sadness. I've moved on. Big time.

 

I'd like to thank everyone here, I think you all helped me a lot to put it all in perspective, even if it was only reading your replies to other people's problems.

 

Thus the wheel slowly turns (Or like that crap soap opera "Like sand in the hourglass of time, these are the days of our lives" )

 

I love you all! (Well, almost all )

 

Riaan

[tokyo]

I´m glad you´re happy again

[whichwayisup]

Wow Pap. Gotta say it's too bad she didn't stick around with you because she let a good one go. She's the one who missed out NOT you!!

 

I'm glad you're happy now and can look back and not feel that pain. Just remember the nice stuff and good feelings!!