Husband and wife

[Manchester Man]

I have a wife and a child age 1.

My wife seems to have no consideration for my feelings or needs.

It seems to be all about her. She'll tell me I'm lazy (occasionally) or often that I don't listen and don't pay attention.

She has a tendency to occasionally fly into rages where she yells and throws things. She'll seem remorseful after but says she 'can't change'.

She tells me when I confront her on the name calling or insulting behaviour (you don't listen, etc) that I'm taking it the wrong way.

In short, she seems unwilling to change.

She has said in the past take it or leave it.

I've been afraid to leave in the past b/c of being alone, or losing her (she's attractive) and now being separated from the kids.

She has come at me physically twice, once scratching me.

I feel like I let her do it to me bc of my poor self esteem.

I don't know what to do.

[hopesndreams]

Are you interested in any other woman besides your wife?

[Manchester Man]

No. If we break apart I'd prefer the peace of being alone for a while. It's been so draining...

[Manchester Man]

I'm asking her to go to counseling. If she says no or says she won't change I will no otpions left but start mentally leaving

[tojaz]

Need more information!

I have a wife and a child age 1.

My wife seems to have no consideration for my feelings or needs.

It seems to be all about her. She'll tell me I'm lazy (occasionally) or often that I don't listen and don't pay attention.

 

 

No offense intended, but from her perspective, does she have reason to say this??

 

She has a tendency to occasionally fly into rages where she yells and throws things. She'll seem remorseful after but says she 'can't change'.

 

 

What triggers this behavior? Something you two could meet in the middle on?

 

 

She tells me when I confront her on the name calling or insulting behaviour (you don't listen, etc) that I'm taking it the wrong way.

 

 

Have you asked her to clarify? The results?

 

In short, she seems unwilling to change.

She has said in the past take it or leave it.

I've been afraid to leave in the past b/c of being alone, or losing her (she's attractive)

 

 

I hope there is more then that!

 

and now being separated from the kids.

She has come at me physically twice, once scratching me.

I feel like I let her do it to me bc of my poor self esteem.

I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry for all the questions, but it is very hard to give advice without all the information. Also, many folks that come here fail to see the other said of the equation, THEMSELVES. Not being snarky, I'm as guilty as the next man (or even more so) keep telling your story, and we will help you all that we can. Welcome to LS

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I'm asking her to go to counseling. If she says no or says she won't change I will no otpions left but start mentally leaving

 

You have many options available. Counseling is the best bet, but do not underestimate the value of individual counseling as well. Far to many people are to quick to pull the trigger on a meaningful relationship without exploring all the options available to them. It took you both a long time to build your relationship, it deserves some time investment to try and repair it.

 

TOJAZ

[Manchester Man]

I am more of an intuitive sort who misses some details. I would never intentionally step on someone's foot, but must step on hers at which point she takes a direct shot at me (figurative).

I am more of a 'batcher' of tasks then constant activity (her style).

So she might see me as lazy or not listening.

I have a high degree of education and am a high acheiver professionally and financially.

I thus am insulted if she says these things.

Even if she thinks so I ask her to respect my feelings.

...I don't really know what's on her mind. I try to talk but she says very little.

I think she asks very little of me other than to be here and help around the house.

Very little demands in this relationship.

I do love her and find her very tender at times, it's just these barbs that I can't and don't want to deal with...

[2sunny]

i see two options for you:

 

you either stay and accept the situation for they way it is since she says she won't change.

 

or you leave.

 

let me ask you this - is there any abuse of alcohol or substances involved? just a shot in the dark given the information you provided...

 

and just an observation - your "intuition" isn't as high as you describe if you're missing as many cues as she is giving...

[Manchester Man]

No alcohol, drugs. A little physical abuse (her to me).

Funny how so little attention gets paid to men living with verbally abusive self centered childish women-where so much of the time we hear about that where a woman is the victim (so to speak).

I just think I have no idea where she is truly at.

I think she has very little interest in opening up and having emotional intimacy. Bc of her past childhood etc.

She offers little but asks little as well.

Other than the temper outbursts it should be a piece of cake for someone who wants to be left alone.

[2sunny]

No alcohol, drugs. A little physical abuse (her to me).

Funny how so little attention gets paid to men living with verbally abusive self centered childish women-where so much of the time we hear about that where a woman is the victim (so to speak).

I just think I have no idea where she is truly at.

I think she has very little interest in opening up and having emotional intimacy. Bc of her past childhood etc.

She offers little but asks little as well.

Other than the temper outbursts it should be a piece of cake for someone who wants to be left alone.

 

and what was attractive about this enough to make you want to marry such a woman?

[tnttim]

and what was attractive about this enough to make you want to marry such a woman?

 

Like most we hope they change..............

[tojaz]

Like most we hope they change..............

 

or they HAVE changed......

[LucreziaBorgia]

Was she like this before the baby? She could be right in the middle of postpartum depression if not a touch of postpartum psychosis.

[2.50 a gallon]

I think you need to CYA and get yourself a VAR in your pocket and record these tirades. She could go ballistic on you, come at you physically then call the cops and with a playback you can stay out of jail

[Manchester Man]

Talked with attorney enough to know any police involvement means I'm out of house immediately. Not a major problem, maybe too soon for me right now..

Last night she gets back late after being out and our dog who sleeps in the bed is licking itself (wakes me-I'm a light sleeper and she doesn't think that is an allowable complaint-runs washer dryer etc anyway) so I push the dog to make it walk away. She flicks me in the head.

I immediately push her brusquely and say 'don't touch me'. She whispers meanly 'sleep somewhere else'. I say I was fine.

argh.would like to build a little more cash if this is going to happen.

don't really think she can live on her own, so don't get her reckless pushing (does she think I won't leave?)

[Manchester Man]

real quick, post partum maybe, but she was like this for most part before. Did get worse after kid and stress thereof. Much worse.

Warning to others- kids can cause massive decompensation in partially stable personalities..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have you considered a nanny cam? I can't help but to wonder if she is that abusive to you, how she must be with your child.

[tojaz]

I think you need to CYA and get yourself a VAR in your pocket and record these tirades. She could go ballistic on you, come at you physically then call the cops and with a playback you can stay out of jail

 

Hmmmm, good thought Gallon! What if you recorded one or two of her tirades and played it back to HER at a time when she is more reasonable. She might just be shocked at what she hears when not in the heat of the moment. Worth a shot.

 

TOJAZ

[Manchester Man]

so confronted her about behaviour, her response no counseling, just divorce.

I think either 3 months of counseling or 2-3 month trial separation makes the only sense.

It would give me the srength (separation) to do what needs to be done.

I'm not bailing, just not willing to let myself be verbally abused or to let my kid grow up seeing it.

[tnttim]

Have you pointed the finger at any of your actions?

 

Are you playing a role in this that you are not seeing because you are blaming her?

 

When you blame someone or something you are telling yourself that I cannot produce the answers so your brain starts blaming outside forces. The problem with blame is that it shuts off your mind to possible answers to your problem. The other problem with blame is that it causes animosity between you and her. The final problem with blame is how your brain works to make the blame true, so it agrees with your outlook. Basically if you keep telling yourself something is true, your brain will only focus on proving you right.

[mimidarlin]

Tnttim has a point. All of us can convince ourselves that our point of view is the right one. It keeps us from seeing our faults or role in the relationship. Maybe a separation would help both of you take a step back. Assert your independence. Discover what role you think you had in this relationship failing. Maybe it was as simple as you not asserting yourself.

 

You can't remain in a relationship that is verbally and emotionally abusive. It sounds like both of you have hostility towards the other right now. Maybe she has been like this for a long time. Though we don't know both sides it makes me think of a spoiled little girl who gets her way whether or not she plays nice.

 

If she says no to counseling and that her she prefers divorce over the counseling ....run fast. She isn't ready to look at herself and make changes.

[You Go Girl]

As far as the animal in the bed goes--both sides I understand. My first H would kick the cat off the comforter, and I thought that was cruel.

It seems the spouse more attached to the animal lets the animal on the bed.

Being a cat lover, I think letting a dog lick itself on my bed would be disgusting. A cat doing the same thing, ok, lol not logical I know.

She 'flicked' your head. She's gone past acceptable behavior. Tell her, in a strong voice, looking her directly in the eyes, that physical abuse is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Ask her if she would like you doing the same to her.

The problem with the counseling/leaving issue is a tricky one. Ultimatums usually backfire on the person giving them, because the other thinks in their head--I will not be forced into anything nor controlled.

Suggesting counseling to get the two of you closer--all said on a positive note--would have been better.

Why don't you try that approach. She may still reject it after the negative approach, I don't know. But it's still a positive approach, and better than the battle of wills that looks like is going to ensue.

If she flat out rejects this suggestion after SEVERAL attempts, then I'd go with the temporary separation until she agrees to counseling.

Again, divorce isn't mentioned at this point. That comes later, when no counseling ever happens, the separation brings no positive results.

[Manchester Man]

I agree I contribute to our problems.

Thus suggesting 'arbitration' or counseling.

She won't go, thinking it's a way to blame her...

Oh well.

So after a day of being on the nuclear brink she approached me and wanted to reconcile.

I think she looked hard at the face of divorce and realized she doesn't want to go there. Neither do I.

So, I do feel like I made some headway in improving my courage.

We're going to try to spend time away on weekends without the kids, maybe that will help...

I hope so.

[sally4sara]

Was she like this before the child?

 

She could still be dealing with some hormonal fluctuations. This does not absolve her of her behavior, but it can limit her ability to check her moods for a real source rather than an imaginary one.

 

Ask her to speak with her doctor about this. There are too many wonderful milestones to marriage and parenting to just give up so quickly without exploring all the possibilities to addressing this.

[tojaz]

Best of luck Manchester! Be careful and go slow, little pieces at a time, and don't be surprised if she swings back and forth for awhile, prepare yourself! Hope you all the best. Keep us posted

 

TOJAZ