Role of attraction in relationships

[Rorschach]

Hi everybody, I'm a 22 year old male who is extremely insecure about his weight. I've heard a number of times throughout my life that 'personality matters more' but the fact of the matter is I weight 270 pounds, and while I've head from different people that I don't look 'that' bad (mainly because I've lost over 30 pounds in the last 2 months and look lighter than I am) I certainly wouldn't consider myself attractive in anyway.

 

Now as I already said I've been losing weight pretty regularly, and doing a damn good job going to the gym so that by the time this summer rolls around I should be down to a decent weight, and by next winter I should be normal, the end goal being about 200 pounds.

 

But I have a real question. You see I always believed that attraction is the #1 factor in deciding if a relationship STARTS or not, and that personality is really important when it comes to the time when you decide if your relationship should continue. And I was wondering if everybody else felt this was relatively true or not? And thats my question, everything following this point is just me going over whats happened in my life that leads up to me bothering to post this.

 

I like my personality, at the risk of sounding full of myself (which I'm really not) I'm funny (to me at least), I'm nice, I know how to treat people right, I have the utmost respect for my girlfriend and her opinions, and bottom line is I KNOW I make a good boyfriend from that standpoint. In addittion to that I LOOOOOVE having a girlfriend, it's not even about the physical relationship to me, but just the feeling of having somebody so close who really understands you and loves to spend time with you. That feeling makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

 

I've only had one girlfriend, and we broke up back in september after a 2 year relationship per my request (we just had different paths to walk in life, it was on good terms and i have no regrets). Recently I've met somebody online, and while I really don't think she's that in to me at all (I'm not getting any good vibes) she CLAIMS to be attracted to me but I really don't see us going anywhere. But it's made me remember just how nice it is staying up until 2 in the morning talking to somebody on the phone about any topic that happens to come up. And frankly it's making me really yearn to get that feeling again.

 

Yet still I look at myself and just don't see me as somebody who can get a girlfriend that easily. So what does everybody else think about the subject of attraction's role in a relationship.

 

P.S. part of the reason I'm putting alot of effort into improving my looks is that I'd give my last girlfriend a 5/10 on the looks scale (that meaning completely average, neither good nor bad) and I'd be lying if I said that had nothing to do with the break up (though it was far from a deciding factor). And I really want to find somebody that I find attractive to experience the physical side of the relationship with somebody who I consider truly beautiful and not just suitable. (as a side note, does this make me a bit of a jerk?)

[ADF]

Yes, writing off women because they are merely "suitable" rather than "truly beautiful" makes you a bit of a jerk. Frankly, given your weight problem, "truly beautiful" women are unlikely to give you the time of day. They might when you are older, but 22 years olds tend to be pretty shallow and looks-oriented. There are exceptions, but not many.

[Rorschach]

I've calmed down a bit in the last 40 minutes or so. So maybe I can better explain that when I say 'truly beautiful' I mean just attractive. I hate to talk bad about an ex because I don't hold any negative feelings toward her, but she was simply not very attractive towards the end of our relationship. I'd be happy finding somebody that was generally considered a 7/10, not necessarily some 10/10 model.

[ADF]

I've calmed down a bit in the last 40 minutes or so. So maybe I can better explain that when I say 'truly beautiful' I mean just attractive. I hate to talk bad about an ex because I don't hold any negative feelings toward her, but she was simply not very attractive towards the end of our relationship. I'd be happy finding somebody that was generally considered a 7/10, not necessarily some 10/10 model.

 

Rating women numerically--your ex was only a "5" and you want a "7"--is also a jerk thing to do. I think you've got a jerk problem here.

[Rorschach]

Nuts, I didn't want to come off like a jerk, I just don't want to feel like I have to settle right now because I'm heavier than I should be. Nobody cares if you're losing weight, only if its gone...

[mixwell]

To the OP.. Don't let weight be a factor.. If this can break the sterotype check this out... About 2 years ago at 255 (my heaviest 6ft tall) I had probably the most attractive girlfriends ever and she was 19, I was 25.. She actually didn't like the typical buff guys and admitted she was a chubby chaser so go figure.. I am currently 6ft 260lbs (need to do something about that) but I still really believe I am a great catch.. I am funny, have beautiful eyes, I think I am pretty unique and have an attractive personality.. Mainly now I an more concerned with trying to improve myself rather than find a g/f..

 

I believe my other assests are in order and hell I think for my weight I hide it very well because I don't look like a fat ass but just a big strong guy or have had people that don't believe me when I say I weigh 260lbs. Anyways I would like to work on myself more before persuing a relationship but I wouldn't let my weight factor be an issue..

 

 

I don't see you as being a jerk by rating your ex but I see you trying to maximize your potential, which you should do.. I think our animal instincts are embedded in our brains to persue the best we can get for a mate and have the best attributes possible and that is genetic not being a jerk in my opinion.

[ADF]

I think our animal instincts are embedded in our brains to persue the best we can get for a mate and have the best attributes possible and that is genetic not being a jerk in my opinion.

 

Ugh. I hear this kind of stuff all the time now. This kind of psuedo-scientific, pop-sociobiology. It says that men act like jerks because it is in our genes, that we can't help it because it is hardwired into our brains. Well, how convenient! And what rubbish!

[eraser]

P.S. part of the reason I'm putting alot of effort into improving my looks is that I'd give my last girlfriend a 5/10 on the looks scale (that meaning completely average, neither good nor bad) and I'd be lying if I said that had nothing to do with the break up (though it was far from a deciding factor). And I really want to find somebody that I find attractive to experience the physical side of the relationship with somebody who I consider truly beautiful and not just suitable. (as a side note, does this make me a bit of a jerk?)

 

"A bit."

 

More than a bit, actually. I'm sure your ex would be happy to know that you told us that you "settled" for her...after rating her numerically. I find it hilarious that you've completely pushed aside the possibility that she was the one who settled for you. The personality that you've displayed here (never mind the weight problem...), was enough to make me think she might have.

[Yamaha]

Ugh. I hear this kind of stuff all the time now. This kind of psuedo-scientific, pop-sociobiology. It says that men act like jerks because it is in our genes, that we can't help it because it is hardwired into our brains. Well, how convenient! And what rubbish!

 

 

Amen bro.

It is a convient way to do what you want to do and not worry abt ur conscience.

[Rorschach]

"A bit."

 

More than a bit, actually. I'm sure your ex would be happy to know that you told us that you "settled" for her...after rating her numerically. I find it hilarious that you've completely pushed aside the possibility that she was the one who settled for you. The personality that you've displayed here (never mind the weight problem...), was enough to make me think she might have.

 

Well she was my first girlfriend, I didn't know what I was going or what to expect, it was only until after we had been intimate a number of times that I realized she just wasn't very attractive to me. For a time I loved her personality and it's not like her body was a big issue, I'm really not that shallow of a guy at all despite how I may come across in the OP. I guess i just desperately want to know what its like to be intimate with somebody who I found extremely attractive, in the perfect world a relationship could grow from that but I guess it's the curiosity that really has me going, it's not like I'd only date hotties cause I'm shallow or anything, I'm just extremely curious what'd be like to ya know with somebody I had extreme urges for.

[Stockalone]

Well she was my first girlfriend, I didn't know what I was going or what to expect, it was only until after we had been intimate a number of times that I realized she just wasn't very attractive to me.

 

I don't understand that, but I guess people are different.

 

Weren't you attracted (physically) to her when you started dating?

 

 

And I really want to find somebody that I find attractive to experience the physical side of the relationship with somebody who I consider truly beautiful and not just suitable. (as a side note, does this make me a bit of a jerk?)

 

Yes, it does make you a jerk. If you think a woman is "just suitable", you shouldn't be dating her.

 

If you are only lukewarm about a woman, let her find someone who considers her beautiful. Look at what happened to your ex, she spend two years with you and you were wondering if you could do better.

 

Would you want to be settled for only to be dumped when the woman is wondering if she could do better?

 

 

Yet still I look at myself and just don't see me as somebody who can get a girlfriend that easily. So what does everybody else think about the subject of attraction's role in a relationship.

 

Attraction is important. Looks usually create the initial attraction, and then your personality is what decides if things go further or not.

 

In general, a lower weight will increase your chances with women. That said, depending on your height, even a suitable weight for your body may be too much for some women.

 

A woman who is into a guy with a lean, runner's physique will probably not find a guy attractive if he weighs 240 lbs, no matter if the guy is in good shape (think of a LB).

 

How much weight you can carry also depends on your frame, some people can carry more weight than others without it showing too much. I am 6'2" and 250 lbs was a weight I could easily pull off without being worried about looking fat or unfit. When I got to 300 lbs though (a lot less exercise), it was way too much. And it also elevated my blood pressure, so I had to do something to get the weight down.

 

If you need to go down to 200 lbs is something only you (or your doctor) can tell you. You should consult a doctor if you plan on losing a lot of weight within a short amount of time, anyway.

Edited April 12, 2010 by Stockalone

[Sevenscars]

You can't stop someone from automatically finding you attractive, just as you can't stop someone from finding you unattractive. People know what they want in someone, and that's what they look for. If you want to lose weight, do it for your own sake and not to attract people. If you do it for the latter reason, you'll never stick to any plan.

 

At the heaviest point in my life, I was something like 6'2 250lb. At that time I was dating this super sexy girl that didn't seem to mind my weight. We broke up later, but for other reasons.

 

Attraction indeed creates that initial spark, and without that you have nothing to go forward with, so IMO it's very important in the initial stages of a relationship. After all, you wouldn't go with someone you found unattractive. But it's not the end-all. I know plenty of 10's that are off their rockers, ones I find just so sexy but would never date -- and I know just as many 5-7's that may not be as attractive as the other girls but in terms of dating, they'd be my first choice.

 

Forgive me for making any hasty generalizations, but i've also found that super-hot girls know they are super hot, and have gotten by in life on their looks. When it comes time for a relationship, a lot of them don't realize that there's more substance to a relationship than that, and they have a hard time making it work. Average-looking girls, on the other hand, don't have the genetic advantage that these super hot girls have, so they've had to work harder, and it shows that they know what can hold down a relationship.

 

Again, I'm just generalizing, there are plenty of very fine girls that have their ish together, as well as plenty of average-looking girls that are completely crazy.

 

So if you find someone attractive, go for it, but look beyond what lies skin-deep. If you find someone attractive and they don't share your feelings, then it's not even worth pursuing further, as there's others that will share your feelings.

[USMCHokie]

Physical attraction gets you through the door...personality and all that other stuff keeps you in the house...

[Mary3]

Physical attraction gets you through the door...personality and all that other stuff keeps you in the house...

 

Exactly ! I could not have said it better. Its Personality thats HUGE. Don't kid yourself OP that losing weight is going to make you a chick magnet. You have to have it * up there * to keep her attracted.

 

For your info I like big guys , I guess I'm a chub chaser too but chub with some noticable muscle.

 

I started out liking what you had to say and admired that you were losing some weight but your expectations are high and you throw numbers around.

 

What makes you think you won't gain it back ? A large percentage of overweight people DO. Because your appestat is set for a certain range no matter what you do. Boom ! You are back there again.

 

Work on your Personality. You are going to NEED it when the chubbies come back on...

[mem11363]

How tall are you?

 

Hi everybody, I'm a 22 year old male who is extremely insecure about his weight. I've heard a number of times throughout my life that 'personality matters more' but the fact of the matter is I weight 270 pounds, and while I've head from different people that I don't look 'that' bad (mainly because I've lost over 30 pounds in the last 2 months and look lighter than I am) I certainly wouldn't consider myself attractive in anyway.

 

Now as I already said I've been losing weight pretty regularly, and doing a damn good job going to the gym so that by the time this summer rolls around I should be down to a decent weight, and by next winter I should be normal, the end goal being about 200 pounds.

 

But I have a real question. You see I always believed that attraction is the #1 factor in deciding if a relationship STARTS or not, and that personality is really important when it comes to the time when you decide if your relationship should continue. And I was wondering if everybody else felt this was relatively true or not? And thats my question, everything following this point is just me going over whats happened in my life that leads up to me bothering to post this.

 

I like my personality, at the risk of sounding full of myself (which I'm really not) I'm funny (to me at least), I'm nice, I know how to treat people right, I have the utmost respect for my girlfriend and her opinions, and bottom line is I KNOW I make a good boyfriend from that standpoint. In addittion to that I LOOOOOVE having a girlfriend, it's not even about the physical relationship to me, but just the feeling of having somebody so close who really understands you and loves to spend time with you. That feeling makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

 

I've only had one girlfriend, and we broke up back in september after a 2 year relationship per my request (we just had different paths to walk in life, it was on good terms and i have no regrets). Recently I've met somebody online, and while I really don't think she's that in to me at all (I'm not getting any good vibes) she CLAIMS to be attracted to me but I really don't see us going anywhere. But it's made me remember just how nice it is staying up until 2 in the morning talking to somebody on the phone about any topic that happens to come up. And frankly it's making me really yearn to get that feeling again.

 

Yet still I look at myself and just don't see me as somebody who can get a girlfriend that easily. So what does everybody else think about the subject of attraction's role in a relationship.

 

P.S. part of the reason I'm putting alot of effort into improving my looks is that I'd give my last girlfriend a 5/10 on the looks scale (that meaning completely average, neither good nor bad) and I'd be lying if I said that had nothing to do with the break up (though it was far from a deciding factor). And I really want to find somebody that I find attractive to experience the physical side of the relationship with somebody who I consider truly beautiful and not just suitable. (as a side note, does this make me a bit of a jerk?)

[Rorschach]

Exactly ! I could not have said it better. Its Personality thats HUGE. Don't kid yourself OP that losing weight is going to make you a chick magnet. You have to have it * up there * to keep her attracted.

 

For your info I like big guys , I guess I'm a chub chaser too but chub with some noticable muscle.

 

I started out liking what you had to say and admired that you were losing some weight but your expectations are high and you throw numbers around.

 

What makes you think you won't gain it back ? A large percentage of overweight people DO. Because your appestat is set for a certain range no matter what you do. Boom ! You are back there again.

 

Work on your Personality. You are going to NEED it when the chubbies come back on...

 

I've said it a number of times in this thread, but I was really distressed when I posted the OP, and my views have changed a little bit. So if you started getting a bad vibe from the post it was because I was in a really bad place mentally.

 

Personality is definitely one of my strong suits in my opinion. I know sometimes people have mixed up views of how they themselves act but I've always found it very easy to talk to people, make friends, get popular, etc. I've gone a long way on personality, I have about 10x as much confidence in myself now as I did when I made the OP (I checked my weight for the first time in 2 weeks and lost 13 pounds) and I feel really good about my chances with a girl if I could get her to give me a chance in the first place.

 

I KNOW I'd make a great boyfriend just from the few relationships I've had in the past, 2 years into the relationship and I was still going out of my way to show her how I felt (planning special evenings, events, surprises, etc). So while I may come of like a total douche in the first post, please don't think that's what I'm like all the time, I was not having a very good day....

 

As far as putting the weight back on you never know, the reason for me losing weight is alot deeper than just 'get more hot chix lololol'. My uncle (who I was somewhat close too, not that close) died recently due to not taking care of his body the way he should have. And his last days were not pleasant, in fact for the past 5-6 years have been pretty painful for him and his wife (who also doesn't take care of herself). So it kind of made me realize that I just can't treat my body like that and not expect it to crap out on me, I'm only 22 I don't need to get tired going for short walks or anything like that. So while I think it's possible that the weight could come back on, I highly doubt it, I've turned this into a sustainable lifestyle more than just a short term diet, I honestly feel I could live my whole life doing the exercise and diet regiment that I'm currently on. I don't intend on stopping the diet once I hit my target weight, if anything that's just going to further encourage me (which is why most people put the weight back on, they think 'great, now I made it and can stop trying so hard')

 

To above poster: I'm 6 foot even, and I weight 262 pounds, according to the only girl I'm close enough to ask (she works at the gym I go to so I ask her periodically how she thinks I'm doing) and she says that before I started I looked 'like a guy who just didn't care about himself' but now 'like a guy who is on his way'. Which I take to mean I'm not even close yet but I've made a noticeable visual improvement, yay.

[Mary3]

Of course it feels good to lose weight and I applaud you for that. It will take hard work to keep it off and if you are up for the challenge you should be able to maintain the new weight.

 

But you can also be accepted in the community by women who love you for who you are , not your waist size .

 

I get the health risks. Higher for Diabetes and Heart Problems for the overweight .

 

But don't equate weight with who you are. Thats where you get into trouble. Just naturally incorporate healthy choices and the weight will come off.

 

FYI I have dated men your size. I call them Teddy Bears. I prefer the bigger guy because they are great to cuddle with.

 

As an example. I was seeing this guy about your height and I guess he weighed 245 or so. I did not see him for a year and he got down to like 175. I was totally not interested or attracted to him anymore because I could see bones and no padding , lol..

[Rorschach]

I understand that there are some women out there open minded enough to accept me for who I am no matter what size, that makes complete and perfect sense to me. But I still feel my chances drastically improve as my weight goes down, while my weight may not define me I feel it is a hinderance in my dating life. It is, sometimes I'm sure, prevents me from getting that crucial first date, I can't hit a home run with a girl if I don't even get a swing at the ball.

[Mary3]

I understand that there are some women out there open minded enough to accept me for who I am no matter what size, that makes complete and perfect sense to me. But I still feel my chances drastically improve as my weight goes down, while my weight may not define me I feel it is a hinderance in my dating life. It is, sometimes I'm sure, prevents me from getting that crucial first date, I can't hit a home run with a girl if I don't even get a swing at the ball.

 

There are dating sites for women who prefer larger men. I think its called BBW or something like that. I have never created a profile there but who knows , in the future I might. That way you can find all the Teddy Bears who are happy to find women accept them for who they are.

 

Good luck with your weight . If you feel the world will open up more being a 32 waist instead of a 42 waist then its something you need to go for.

[Rorschach]

There are dating sites for women who prefer larger men. I think its called BBW or something like that. I have never created a profile there but who knows , in the future I might. That way you can find all the Teddy Bears who are happy to find women accept them for who they are.

 

Good luck with your weight . If you feel the world will open up more being a 32 waist instead of a 42 waist then its something you need to go for.

 

Thanks for the well wishes, while the idea of getting a nice girl in my life is very helpful when I'm working to stay on the diet, it's not the reason I'm doing it anyway. I've never been to the beach with my shirt off but I'm totally going this summer XD

 

Health, happiness, comfortable with my own body, all good reasons to lose weight, the girls are just the cherry *snicker* on the top.

 

Thanks for the input and giving myself a chance to explain myself, I feel really embarrassed about the first post I made in this thread.

[carhill]

OP, part of the process of acceptance is owning the perspective you shared in the OP, without embarrassment. You can feel that way, think that way, and be open to change and growth at any time. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

So what does everybody else think about the subject of attraction's role in a relationship.

 

For myself, having been married, I'd say that attraction is the facilitator and compatibility is the maintainer in a LTR. One can be attracted to an incompatible person, and I'm a poster child for that, and one can be compatible with someone but have no attraction whatsoever. In the latter, a relationship will rarely if ever result and, in the former, generally, an unhealthy relationship will result. IMO, after dealing with the dynamic a lot of years, I'd set my sights on moderate initial attraction and rock-steady compatibility. IME, when two people are compatible, and discover that over time and with life experience, intimacy and attraction grows. So, hence, I would not summarily dismiss a potential for whom I wasn't 'head over heels'.

 

At your age, your perspective is necessarily reflective of your life journey so far. Own that.

 

Regarding your weight, IMO, achieve a level of healthiness which makes *you* feel good, regardless of outward appearances. Feeling positive about yourself is a major component of being attractive to others. There are no 'numbers' to describe that. Good luck

[SummerLady]

OP, part of the process of acceptance is owning the perspective you shared in the OP, without embarrassment. You can feel that way, think that way, and be open to change and growth at any time. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

 

 

For myself, having been married, I'd say that attraction is the facilitator and compatibility is the maintainer in a LTR. One can be attracted to an incompatible person, and I'm a poster child for that, and one can be compatible with someone but have no attraction whatsoever. In the latter, a relationship will rarely if ever result and, in the former, generally, an unhealthy relationship will result. IMO, after dealing with the dynamic a lot of years, I'd set my sights on moderate initial attraction and rock-steady compatibility. IME, when two people are compatible, and discover that over time and with life experience, intimacy and attraction grows. So, hence, I would not summarily dismiss a potential for whom I wasn't 'head over heels'.

 

At your age, your perspective is necessarily reflective of your life journey so far. Own that.

 

Regarding your weight, IMO, achieve a level of healthiness which makes *you* feel good, regardless of outward appearances. Feeling positive about yourself is a major component of being attractive to others. There are no 'numbers' to describe that. Good luck

 

 

This is soo true I have a good friend that married a very nice man. He is not just nice he is a great guy, loyal, successful, funny, dependable and fun. He would give a stranger the shirt off of his back if needed. She never was attracted to him and as a result cheats. There has to be some attraction.

[Mary3]

Thanks for the well wishes, while the idea of getting a nice girl in my life is very helpful when I'm working to stay on the diet, it's not the reason I'm doing it anyway. I've never been to the beach with my shirt off but I'm totally going this summer XD

 

Health, happiness, comfortable with my own body, all good reasons to lose weight, the girls are just the cherry *snicker* on the top.

 

Thanks for the input and giving myself a chance to explain myself, I feel really embarrassed about the first post I made in this thread.

 

Thats your first bad word : diet . Op its not a diet. Its a permanent life style change. [/U]For example I used to stick a half a stick a butter on a baked potato until I learned what * fat * was and now I limit it to a small section.

 

You will find yourself doing things like parking your car farther from the store and walking the distance. This will become habit.

 

You will check labels like % of fat in milk. I found this amazing milk thats 0% fat and it tastes good !

 

So your lifestyle must change and change permanently. Diet sounds like failure. Just change your eating habits. The butter thing was changed 20 YEARS ago for me and I have stuck to it.

 

If you need any tips just ask.

[Rorschach]

Thats your first bad word : diet . Op its not a diet. Its a permanent life style change. [/U]For example I used to stick a half a stick a butter on a baked potato until I learned what * fat * was and now I limit it to a small section.

 

You will find yourself doing things like parking your car farther from the store and walking the distance. This will become habit.

 

You will check labels like % of fat in milk. I found this amazing milk thats 0% fat and it tastes good !

 

So your lifestyle must change and change permanently. Diet sounds like failure. Just change your eating habits. The butter thing was changed 20 YEARS ago for me and I have stuck to it.

 

If you need any tips just ask.

 

Thanks for the tips, I'm doing really well right now just keeping the carbs and total calories down while getting the exercise up, I easily lose a good 3-4 pounds a week.

[Els]

Nuts, I didn't want to come off like a jerk, I just don't want to feel like I have to settle right now because I'm heavier than I should be. Nobody cares if you're losing weight, only if its gone...

 

Uhhh. I'm generally nice to anyone who's concerned about their weight, but this just reeks of hypocrisy. If this is the way you think, a woman who thinks like you would think 'I don't want to feel like I have to settle for this overweight man right now just because my body/face isn't as hot as it should be'. And a woman who doesn't think like you will think 'Gosh, what a hypocrite' and not be compatible with you anyway.

 

Pretty much screwing yourself over with that.