Do men actually Affair down?

[White Flower]

Hi, just a question, when MM go out sculking for A's, do they affair down? The e-mail I receved from WS was pretty harsh she said:

 

"You were just an easy target for him. You are someone with weak moral character, half decent looks but an ugly and lonely interior. If you were a strong and moral person that had confidence in yourself you would never be looking to a married man. Honey, every man affairs DOWN"

 

Just wondering what people's thoughts are? He chose me for a reason, I never thought a guy would jeopardize his family and finaces for someone that was below standards..MM "said", what attracted him to me, was my confidence and independance, something she lacked. I was so delusional...Sorry for ranting..I know I desevered her rage...but really, would a man sacrifice his entire world for a "horrible" person..? Stella

Only if what she said was true, and you know it wasn't. Some MM affair down, some up, some move laterally. All people are different and so all reasons for having As are different. She is angry and is listening to all the other BW on other websites. It makes her feel better.

 

But you know what your value is. Don't ever forget it no matter how guilty you feel.

[BB07]

Hi, To be honest..The hurt is still there. I had initiated NC before D-day in hopes that he would man up and leave his W for me.

 

He was texting me and telling me how much he loved me and I was the person he was meant to be with. Then D-day came and he initally told me he loved me, then he disappeared for the weekend, called in sick from work..Then called me up and said he never wanted to speak to me again, it was a terrible mistake, he was a bad person and did not want to lose his family. About a week later I received the e-mail from his W.

 

So to make a long story short..I was devastated and disregarded..I think he is afraid that I will talk to his W and tell her the truth..but I'm sure she already thinks I am a liar. She found texts and e-mails that I really don't know how he talked his way out of. He talked alot about how much he loved me and how he can't go a day without seeing me..ect..

 

I guess I am looking for some kind of explanation about how a man can stop loving someone overnight and have the balls to say that it was only for sex, and he lied about everything and that he Affaired down.

 

I'm sure i am going off topic, but I still care about him and I am letting her get to me.. Sorry..the wounds are still open. Stella

 

What he has done is so hurtful and if I were you, I would not forgive that. His primary operant right now is to cover his own ass and he doesn't care who he hurts or how much he hurts you at this point, it's all about him. IMO he is showing his true colors and what he is really made of and it ain't pretty stuff.

Give yourself a while to really feel the pain, you are entitled of course and then try to start thinking of it in that you are lucky that you found out what kind of man he really is. He has behaved cowardly and anything but noble in response to D day. I realize he is a man and he has flaws just like the rest of us but how someone handles a crisis says a lot about who they really are and throwing someone who he professed to love under the bus in such a cruel way is not someone that you should have a future with.

 

Please don't let yourself wallow in it too long.

 

Hugs.........

[Susmay]

Hi, To be honest..The hurt is still there. I had initiated NC before D-day in hopes that he would man up and leave his W for me.

 

He was texting me and telling me how much he loved me and I was the person he was meant to be with. Then D-day came and he initally told me he loved me, then he disappeared for the weekend, called in sick from work..Then called me up and said he never wanted to speak to me again, it was a terrible mistake, he was a bad person and did not want to lose his family. About a week later I received the e-mail from his W.

 

I was on the opposite side of this as a BW.

 

So to make a long story short..I was devastated and disregarded..I think he is afraid that I will talk to his W and tell her the truth..but I'm sure she already thinks I am a liar. She found texts and e-mails that I really don't know how he talked his way out of. He talked alot about how much he loved me and how he can't go a day without seeing me..ect..

 

My H didn't even try to lie about what the e-mails and texts meant.

 

I guess I am looking for some kind of explanation about how a man can stop loving someone overnight and have the balls to say that it was only for sex, and he lied about everything and that he Affaired down.

 

I didn't understand this either. My H kept claiming that D day made hims see the light. At that stage his actions towards me and her, began to match his words so we are still together. No more chances though.

 

I'm sure i am going off topic, but I still care about him and I am letting her get to me.. Sorry..the wounds are still open. Stella

 

Message in bold above.

[Fallen Angel]

Hi, To be honest..The hurt is still there. I had initiated NC before D-day in hopes that he would man up and leave his W for me.

 

He was texting me and telling me how much he loved me and I was the person he was meant to be with. Then D-day came and he initally told me he loved me, then he disappeared for the weekend, called in sick from work..Then called me up and said he never wanted to speak to me again, it was a terrible mistake, he was a bad person and did not want to lose his family. About a week later I received the e-mail from his W.

 

So to make a long story short..I was devastated and disregarded..I think he is afraid that I will talk to his W and tell her the truth..but I'm sure she already thinks I am a liar. She found texts and e-mails that I really don't know how he talked his way out of. He talked alot about how much he loved me and how he can't go a day without seeing me..ect..

 

I guess I am looking for some kind of explanation about how a man can stop loving someone overnight and have the balls to say that it was only for sex, and he lied about everything and that he Affaired down.

 

I'm sure i am going off topic, but I still care about him and I am letting her get to me.. Sorry..the wounds are still open. Stella

 

Simple answer .. he can not and has not stopped loving you over night.. even if it was not nor ever will be the love you needed. (((((STELLA)))))He said it was only for sex and that he affaired down because throwing you under the bus that way was the only way to keep his family intact. Had he said to her.. "I love Stella, but I am not in a place where I feel I can disolve my family." would she have allowed him to stay? No, not likely. Unless she too is in that same place emotionally. Obviously she is not.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could make it better for you. But I can not. Sadly, the path to healing is a path you must walk alone, but I will stand on the sidelines and cheer you on every step of the way.

 

Someday you will be able to see the great person you are, it is okay if that day is not today... I will see it for you until you can see it for yourself.

 

You are a great person Stella. you have a beautiful mind, and a beautiful soul and there are many people who love and value you for the person you are. Keep your chin facing forward and the rest of you will follow. Head up, girl!!! There is a whole lot of life left to live, and today is but the first day....

[pureinheart]

Wow this has become a misogynist thread - men affair down because after all they need it and woman are just trash. Oh my....

 

Stella dont listen to a word of this misogynist tosh. As others have said, his W is hurt and she is lashing out at you. That is understandable.

 

But just like children on a playground its sticks and stones. You are taking it on board because you are looking back and wondering how you got where you are today feeling badly about something that seemed so wonderful at the time.

 

This woman doesnt define who you are. You define who you are. And her "criteria" for determining who is better? ridiculous. Noone is "better" than anyone else. We all have our own qualities. And lets face it, the man wasnt going to risk his marriage and everything else for someone who he didnt think was worth it.

 

If you decide to regret the affair, that is your decision. But dont regret who you are or let her change your view of you.

 

If you can help it, just delete any further texts or emails from her, or block her from contacting you.

 

Take good care

 

Big hugs

 

jj

 

Man, no lie JJ...this is crazy...people are people for Gods sake, no better no less...your wording is perfect.

[stella79]

I feel so much better today..I can't thank you all enough (((Fallen)))..Your words mean so much.

Just a few days ago I had written an e-mail response to BS and XMM..I didn't send it, and thanks to LS, I realize what a huge mistake it would have been. I was ready to give them both a piece of my mind.

 

The only thing I can do now is keep my head up move forward. I have never been dumped before, it's not a good feeling to have your heart ripped out and stomped on. Big Hugs Stella

[OWoman]

Hang in there Stella! (((((hugs)))))

[herenow]

Hi, just a question, when MM go out sculking for A's, do they affair down? The e-mail I receved from WS was pretty harsh she said:

 

"You were just an easy target for him. You are someone with weak moral character, half decent looks but an ugly and lonely interior. If you were a strong and moral person that had confidence in yourself you would never be looking to a married man. Honey, every man affairs DOWN"

 

Just wondering what people's thoughts are? He chose me for a reason, I never thought a guy would jeopardize his family and finaces for someone that was below standards..MM "said", what attracted him to me, was my confidence and independance, something she lacked. I was so delusional...Sorry for ranting..I know I desevered her rage...but really, would a man sacrifice his entire world for a "horrible" person..? Stella

 

I haven't read any more than the opening post, so forgive me if this has been said.

 

I don't think men affair up or down. I don't think most affairs are even about the BW or the OW. IMO, the affair is all about the MM. He is lacking something in himself that allows him to act in a way that can cause pain to everyone involved.

 

What is different about the MM who accepts that his marriage isn't working and gets a divorce, and the MM who can't make that decision? If it was always about the kids, money, status, we wouldn't see a 50% (give or take) divorce rate.

 

On D-day, I thought my H's affair was all about us, me, our marriage, etc. It took a while for me to understand that it was about him and what was lacking inside of him. He needed a fix and found it in an OW. Could the OW have been anyone? No, I don't think so. There needs to be some mutual attraction unless the woman is paid for hire. But with that attraction there, yes, I think the OW could have been anyone.

 

As far as sacrifice, he is sacrificing those things you mention for his own satisfaction. If he was making the sacrifice for you, IMO, he would have completed the sacrifice. I believe if a MM truly loves a woman, he will do what it takes to be with her. We have seen this on LS.

 

It isn't about you, his wife, his kids, money, or anything else. It's all about him and his desires. Until he realizes that he is the one lacking and does what it takes to deal with his own issues, he won't be able to commit to anyone or truly love any woman. JMO.

[2sure]

Its important for some OW here, the ones trying to figure things out to take some lesson in this other than the affair was a bad idea etc.

 

In most affairs (in my experience as OW and as BS and what Ive read here)...for it to work, the OW has to be vulnerable in some way. A BS may see those vulnerabilities as "affair downing", a MM may see them as his chance to be a night in shining armor or to just look good easily. OW may understand her vulnerabilities but tell herself she is making choices when actually she is just accepting whats being handed out.

[jennie-jennie]

Simple answer .. he can not and has not stopped loving you over night.. even if it was not nor ever will be the love you needed. (((((STELLA)))))He said it was only for sex and that he affaired down because throwing you under the bus that way was the only way to keep his family intact. Had he said to her.. "I love Stella, but I am not in a place where I feel I can disolve my family." would she have allowed him to stay? No, not likely. Unless she too is in that same place emotionally. Obviously she is not.

 

This is what I too believe to be true. It is the only scenario that makes sense.

 

(((((Stella)))))

[herenow]

This is what I too believe to be true. It is the only scenario that makes sense.

 

(((((Stella)))))

 

So, the only scenario that makes sense is that he loves Stella, but he stays with his wife because he is "not in a place" to be honest with his wife? Then because he can't tell his wife the truth (for whatever reason), he lies to the woman he really loves and tells her (Stella) that she was a mistake. Makes no sense to me at all. If this scenario is true, then why the hurtful words to the woman he loves? Why not tell Stella the truth about why he stays and that he isn't ready to leave?

 

If he really loved Stella from the start, d-day is the perfect time to prove that love. IMO, he doesn't really love anyone. But, that's just my opinion.

 

I think MM who fall in love with OW do leave. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more relationships that start as affairs than we know about. I think that many men get divorced and their BW's never find out that the next GF was really the OW.

Edited April 13, 2010 by herenow

[BlueeyedJonesy]

So, the only scenario that makes sense is that he loves Stella, but he stays with his wife because he is "not in a place" to be honest with his wife? Then because he can't tell his wife the truth (for whatever reason), he lies to the woman he really loves and tells her (Stella) that she was a mistake. Makes no sense to me at all. If this scenario is true, then why the hurtful words to the woman he loves? Why not tell Stella the truth about why he stays and that he isn't ready to leave?

 

If he really loved Stella from the start, d-day is the perfect time to prove that love. IMO, he doesn't really love anyone. But, that's just my opinion.

 

I think MM who fall in love with OW do leave. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more relationships that start as affairs than we know about. I think that many men get divorced and their BW's never find out that the next GF was really the OW.

 

So true herenow. I'm sorry that you are hurting right now stella..I can't imagine the pain..but this is exactly the risk you take when u get involved with a married man. The assumtion that he is just staying with his W to "Hold his family together" is getting really old guys...and I really think it's almost delusional to hear it over and over again..

 

Stella, If it were meant to be it would be. You slept with the man that she loves and is married to. Anyone and everyone is this situation is going to lash out...in some way. Now is your chance to prove her wrong..don't be that woman stella...you have a chance to rise up and better yourself. More than likely he is going to try to contact you at some point..and when that time comes don't be the woman she is making you out to be..walk away from him. He is bad news...

[Chrome Barracuda]

do men actually affair down???

 

....sometimes.

 

I look at the pictures of these celebrity wives and these Husband's jump offs and the wives look ten times better. but the ho the husband is sleeping with is ugly. Sometimes. coochie is coochie.

 

But i wonder what goes on in their minds, if they compare them side by side, they must feel stupid afterwards. Jesse james.

 

I would do sandra any day.

[Hazyhead]

do men actually affair down???

 

....sometimes.

 

I look at the pictures of these celebrity wives and these Husband's jump offs and the wives look ten times better. but the ho the husband is sleeping with is ugly. Sometimes. coochie is coochie.

 

But i wonder what goes on in their minds, if they compare them side by side, they must feel stupid afterwards. Jesse james.

 

I would do sandra any day.

 

This is true Not the doing Sandra! That's not my preference, but if I was male or a lesbian then yep. You know she is 46? I know I'm going off topic but... damn! As for that tattooed woman... yuk.

[ladydesigner]

What is really strange is that I am a MOW who "affaired down". My train of thought as of late has been, what the f**k was I thinking... I clearly wasn't. It is amazing who I chose to have an A with. I was at the lowest point in my life, extremely vulnerable. My XOM paid attention to me, listened to me, and told me everything i needed to hear at the time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And that is exactly what im talking about. The tattoo chick was beyond disgusting. for 46 she can still catch it. I feel sorry for the hot BW's thinking it's all their fault. naw, dont feel bad ms bullock. Your H is an A-hole. So is shania twain's x husband. and So is a whole lot of others. it's sad.

[dreamingoftigers]

It really does surprise me that OW so often expect the MM to leave their W. If they were going to leave their "evil W" they would have done so already. If they were waiting for something better to come along, this should serve as a major warning to any woman who is thinking about becoming the OW. It is only a matter of time before something that appears "better" will come the way of the MM.

 

Perhaps the way the MM "affair down" is by picking the women stupid enough to fall for this crap.

 

Your relationship is on a timer from the very beginning because you are with someone who is not honest and does not take responsibility for making their relationship the best it can be.

 

Quite frankly Stella, the wife was being about as nice as one could be when one is robbed of the most important things in life... their spouse. What exactly do you think her reception of you was going to be?

[sally4sara]

I believe everyone who has an affair, affairs down. It isn't just men who do it either. For someone to agree to a relationship with a married person, they have to be okay with their wants impeding others, conspiracy, and sexually sharing the married person with that person's spouse. They accept being the hidden secret. They accept their sexual health being risked.

 

The spouse married someone they (usually) didn't have to be okay with these things with. They chose exclusivity and didn't hurt others to get the relationship. They expect to be acknowledged as the spouse and do not accept being a secret. They expect their spouse to protect their sexual health.

 

I don't care what gender the cheating spouse is or if they are cheating with a married person. Their devoted spouse is a better person than they and whomever they find to have an affair with them.

[OWoman]

It really does surprise me that OW so often expect the MM to leave their W. If they were going to leave their "evil W" they would have done so already.

 

If that was the case, then the "exit A" wouldn't exist as a popular category in the pop psych lit.

 

And I wouldn't be M.

 

And a few of my other As wouldn't have ended.

 

And Father Christmas would exist.

[OWoman]

I believe everyone who has an affair, affairs down. It isn't just men who do it either. For someone to agree to a relationship with a married person, they have to be okay with their wants impeding others, conspiracy, and sexually sharing the married person with that person's spouse. They accept being the hidden secret. They accept their sexual health being risked.

 

Sometimes it's the MM who "agrees" to the R, having been singled out by the OW - who knows exactly what she wants. And not all OWs are "hidden secrets" - sometimes it's only the BW who doesn't know. And what's the risk to your sexual health if the OW-MM R is exclusive?

 

The spouse married someone they (usually) didn't have to be okay with these things with. They chose exclusivity and didn't hurt others to get the relationship. They expect to be acknowledged as the spouse and do not accept being a secret. They expect their spouse to protect their sexual health.

 

Not all Ms are like this. Sometimes the BW has their own history of infidelity and has demonstrated that they're not a believer in exclusivity (or, they're hypocritical and expect it of others but not of themselves).

 

I don't care what gender the cheating spouse is or if they are cheating with a married person. Their devoted spouse is a better person than they and whomever they find to have an affair with them.

 

Assuming that the BS is "devoted"... which is quite an assumption!

[White Flower]

Better morally? Whatever makes you feel better.

 

Maybe she is better at math and I am better at English. Whatever his needs are at the time, he will go for what he feels is better for him. Yet, this really has nothing to do with affairing up or affairing down IMHO.

[Hazyhead]

It really does surprise me that OW so often expect the MM to leave their W. If they were going to leave their "evil W" they would have done so already. If they were waiting for something better to come along, this should serve as a major warning to any woman who is thinking about becoming the OW. It is only a matter of time before something that appears "better" will come the way of the MM.

Perhaps the way the MM "affair down" is by picking the women stupid enough to fall for this crap.

 

Your relationship is on a timer from the very beginning because you are with someone who is not honest and does not take responsibility for making their relationship the best it can be.

 

Quite frankly Stella, the wife was being about as nice as one could be when one is robbed of the most important things in life... their spouse. What exactly do you think her reception of you was going to be?

 

I grew up in a world where people were true to their word. Is that naive? Maybe. Does it make me stupid? I like to think not, if so it's certainly a learning curve as it probably is for many ordinarily non-stupid OW/OMs. But, when my xAP stated again and again, without any encouragement from me, that that was what he wanted regardless of the affair, I believed him. When his actions did not back up his pleas, I left, and I'm sorry I believed him in the first place.

[Hazyhead]

Better morally? Whatever makes you feel better.

 

Maybe she is better at math and I am better at English. Whatever his needs are at the time, he will go for what he feels is better for him. Yet, this really has nothing to do with affairing up or affairing down IMHO.

 

Absolutely. Maybe it's not up or down at all but laterally as the person fills in the gaps they feel in their own life, be that internally or within the marriage. If it helps you heal thinking that he affaired down, then great. The most important thing for all is the healing afterwards. But, it's not always that straightforward.

[Lizzie60]

In my case, except for one (my youngest MM).. they all affaired up... well I have to admit that I have not seen them all... some I have no clue... but one thing is sure.. for 3-4 of them.. if I'd tell them to leave their W and move in with me.. it would happen the next week....

 

Another thing is sure... when they see me.. their affair is up...

[sally4sara]

Sometimes it's the MM who "agrees" to the R, having been singled out by the OW - who knows exactly what she wants. And not all OWs are "hidden secrets" - sometimes it's only the BW who doesn't know. And what's the risk to your sexual health if the OW-MM R is exclusive?

 

 

 

Not all Ms are like this. Sometimes the BW has their own history of infidelity and has demonstrated that they're not a believer in exclusivity (or, they're hypocritical and expect it of others but not of themselves).

 

 

 

Assuming that the BS is "devoted"... which is quite an assumption!

 

I would not believe a person having one affair would not seek another and risk everyone involved to STDs.

If the BS has behaved the same, they are the same.

If the marriage is an open marriage, there is no affair to discuss.

 

It tickles me to no end that when I post my views about affairs, out of the woodwork come all the people with their personal justifications for why they did what they did. Why they are not liars. Why they are not the down part of the affairing down. I speak to no one specifically when I share my views.

You owe me nothing and no explanation. You owe yourself a straight story and a life that inspires you.

Edited April 14, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator