I caught my boyfriend looking at porn on his computer. No explanation will suffice.

[somebody]

"I arrive home at 6:30. I have just come from the salon and the mall. I have a manicure, pedicure, new highlights, and something sexy to wear for my wonderful boyfriend. I wanted to surprise him tonight. I know he has been having a hard time at work.

 

I don't see him around downstairs, so I go up to the bathroom quietly, and change my clothes and apply my newest shade of lipstick. I am already excited and cannot wait to see his reaction to my surprise. I look into the bedroom, but he isn't there, so I walk down the hall to the computer room and hear someone inside. I take a deep breath and slowly open the door, planning to walk up behind him and cover him with kisses. He doesn't hear me open the door. I glance inside, and there he is. My lover and my friend. But what is he doing? I am confused at first, and then saddened. On the screen of our computer is a naked woman. A perfect naked woman and he is touching himself while looking at her. I look down at myself clad in Victoria's Secret's most expensive babydoll and close my eyes. How foolish have I been to think he was attracted to me? I cannot compare to the woman he is looking at by any means. If I proceed into the room he might be upset at me for ruining his time with this woman.

 

I am foolish. I leave the room and close the door quietly and go back to the bathroom. I slowly undress myself and throw on my jeans and a t-shirt, putting my hair up. I go to our bedroom again and lie down on the bed, tears in my eyes. I cover my face with my hands and try not to cry. Burrying my face in my pillow I cannot control the sobs. I must be quiet, he can't know.

 

Never have I felt a need or desire to look at another man while I have been dating my boyfriend. He is all I want. I am proud to be at his side when we go out at night. My sobs become louder. I know he will hear me but I have no idea what I will say when he comes to me. I work so hard at being good to him. I love him. I don't deprive him of sex. I take care of myself. Why am I not good enough? He told me I was gorgeous. That I had no need for make-up and I could leave the house in pajamas if I wanted and he would still think I was beautiful. It must have been a lie. If he thought he had someone he could hold and love and was attracted to her, then why would he be doing this? I have given him everything he has wanted and I thought our relationship was going so well. I hadn't pushed him into looking at pornography. If he had only been open about it. If he had only said "You're ugly. You will never be enough for me. I must look at and lust after others because you do not satisfy me". Why lead me on and make me think I am his everything? When I am his nothing.

 

He hears me crying now and comes into the room. He asks me what is wrong, and I am not able to respond. He says "Sweetie I didn't know you were home. What happened? What is it?". I must tell him. I have no other explanation and no desire to lie to him even if I could come up with something. So I tell him I saw what he was looking at and it hurt me.

 

He looks away, ashamed? Only caught? He turns to me and says it doesnt mean anything. That all guys like to look. That they can't control their animal instinct. I smile a little at that. I tell him that I don't look or think of any other man. That he is all I want. And I do not look, do not feel the desire to look, because I love him. That love makes everything else fall into place. I don't want any kind of pleasure from anyone else, visual or physical, because he is my lover. I only want him.

 

I then tell him that I feel he has cheated. He looks at me trying to convince me of his next words with his eyes. "I don't even know her. She's some model I will never meet. Its not like she matters to me or anything. I love you".

 

I think on it for a moment. And I reply "She matters to me."

 

I know now that he does not love me the way that I love him. Or the way any woman who tries so hard to please her man deserves. I will throw the sexy babydoll away. I am not enough with or without it."

[xdoe]

ur story made me sad. did it happen to u?

[midori]

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. As a woman I have to say that I'm completely baffled by your mindset. I'm not saying that you're wrong to see things the way you do, but I think that perhaps it's unfortunate that you're locked into a perspective of yourself, your sexuality, and your relationship with your boyfriend that is causing you so much pain.

 

There have been other threads on this site about boyfriends/husbands and pornography. I don't have a problem with pornography so I haven't read these threads closely. But I'm sure you're not alone in your perspective.

 

All I can do is tell you how I look at it. I'm a relatively attractive, educated woman. I get my share of male attention, but I'm certainly not a head-turner. I don't seek to be a head-turner (it would be nice if I just were one without even trying of course!). I respect the guys I date enough to know that if they're attracted to me it's not because they're settling for someone they see as second-best. I don't date men who don't impress me, and I assume they're the same way.

 

I'm not over-flowing with self-confidence, mind you. But I don't believe that I have to be flawless in a porn-star/super-model/movie star kind of way in order to have a guy really really attracted to me. My experiences with men back that up. And always bear in mind that the perfection of the models/porn stars who cause you to feel inadequate are always a function of lighting, stylists, airbrushing ... and all too often plastic surgery. Is that actually perfection, or some kind of weird homogenized notion of "beauty" that's been stripped of all genuine sensuality? In other words, nice to look at maybe... but probably not so great in real life.

 

Before I go on about my thoughts about your reaction to your boyfriend's porn viewing, I just want to point out that while yes, putting some effort into your appearance is doubtlessly something your boyfriend appreciates, did you really need to go to such lengths -- hair highlights, manicure, etc? If you're happy with the way you look after those procedures, great. But do it for yourself, because you like the way you look with highlights and manicured hands. Those superficial things shouldn't really be central to your boyfriend's attraction to you. Maybe it's just me, but I need to feel that my boyfriend is just as turned on when he wakes up beside me with slept-on hair and no make-up as he was the night before when I met him for drinks with my hair pulled up and eyeliner applied.

 

As for the porn, as I've already said, I don't have a problem with it (unless it was so dominant in my boyfriend's life that he wasn't too interested in me! Fortunately that has never happened). I want my boyfriend to be happy and satisfied in our relationship. If some part of him likes to look at pornography, I don't see how that has any bearing on his attraction to me, or our sex life (again, assuming it didn't). I guess I look at it something like this: I'm an excellent cook. I would definitely be hurt if my boyfriend chose to eat elsewhere rather than at my table. But even if I was planning a fabulous dinner one evening, I wouldn't care at all if he ate lunch at a restaurant that same day -- even a notably good restaurant. I'm confident enough in my cooking abilities so that doesn't threaten me. And I want my boyfriend to be maximally happy -- to experience as much pleasure as life can offer him. The lunch doesn't impinge on his enjoyment of my dinner (unless he ate too much).

 

Bottom line, as I see it, is that your boyfriend isn't choosing porn over you. He thought you weren't home, and he was horny. I know a lot of women find any porn viewing by their partner to be threatening, but I really don't think it has to be. If you can't get over it, for whatever reason, that's okay I guess. But I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you think that your boyfriend's attention must be focused solely on you at all times for his affection and attraction to be real. Have more faith in yourself. I'll bet that even if you weren't wearing the most expensive negligee on offer at Victoria's Secret, your boyfriend would have been turned on to see you standing in the doorway with an expectant gleam in your eye. The woman on the screen would have been forgotten in that instant, I'll bet.

 

But you've got to figure out what you're comfortable with. Convey that to your boyfriend, and see if he can accommodate you.

[somebody]

This didn't happen recently. Months ago in fact. I wrote it in my journal when it happened, and when I came across this site I thought I would post it. I had been reading other posts about women who were threatened by porn.

 

It is my opinion that cheating with the eyes is just as bad as cheating with any other part of your body. Disagree if you will.

 

Your analogy with cooking was a good one midori. And it made me think a bit, although it didn't change my opinion. My boyfriend has sexy pictures of me that he insisted he wanted. I was flattered... and perhaps he looks at them sometimes. But I am not the only woman in his life. Instead he craves 2D images of people he will never know. Never touch. And usually, have a large list of fake assets. My issue with your analogy is this:

 

You were planning a wonderful dinner for your guy, but knew he would be hungry during his lunch break. So you make it an even better occasion for him because you make his lunch to (the pictures of yourself) and instead, he throws whatever you make him away and goes to McDonalds. Or even a fancy restaraunt, hell. He chose it over the lunch YOU made for HIM.

 

So, in short, your lunch was not good enough compared to the other choices out there. And he's supposed to love you. Pshh.

[reservoirdog1]

It is my opinion that cheating with the eyes is just as bad as cheating with any other part of your body. Disagree if you will.

 

As a guy, I must disagree. This statement suggests that you consider it cheating if he so much as looks at another woman in a way that suggests, "wow, she's attractive." You simply cannot expect him to never look at another woman and assess her attractiveness. He wasn't blind before he met you, and he isn't blind now. Don't tell me that you've never watched [insert actor's name here] in a movie and thought, "wow, what a fox." And, if said actor was in any state of undress when you had those thoughts (and even if he wasn't), then by your own logic, you've cheated too.

 

Please try to come to terms with this. If you don't, you'll simply make yourself unhappy and neurotic, whether with your current boyfriend or with your next one. You can't stop him from getting himself off WITHOUT porn, and you can bet he's not always thinking of you when he does it. But as long as he's physically and emotionally faithful to you, I'd say you've got the basis of a good thing going. In my view, there's no such thing as "visual cheating".

 

I've definitely looked at my share of porn. That being said, in my entire 11-year relationship (7 married), though I looked at other women, I never once touched or strayed. I was utterly faithful to my TBXW for the entire marriage. I went to strip bars on a number of occasions and watched, but never while I was with her did I go for a lap dance -- that, to me, would have been crossing a line. My friends bugged me about this, and my response in declining was that it was too much like cheating.

 

What I didn't know -- and what my friends did know, and had no bloody idea what to do with such awful info, short of confronting TBXW and telling her to knock it off or they'd tell me -- was that my TBXW had cheated on me. In fact, she had one affair right before our wedding, another that lasted 8 months and started about 6 weeks after our wedding, and then another in 2000. I was blissfully unaware of all of this, until this past August. We've separated and will be divorcing. (And, ironically enough, she'd gotten my best man to promise not to hire a stripper at my bachelor party, though she went out with her friends and watched male strippers, and had already cheated on me once at that point.)

 

She'd looked at other men admiringly, but that never bothered me -- she was with me now. Or so I thought. Take it from somebody who's been there, and allow me to paraphrase Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction: "looking at people on the internet and having sex with them behind the back of the person you've promised to be faithful to, ain't the same ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain't even the same f*ckin' sport!"

[somebody]

Thank you for your reply. Hey, I'm not a member here. I wasn't asking for advice. I just found the site today and read some other posts about the topic and wanted to post what I had written a long time ago.

 

I thank you for your thoughts, but there is visual cheating. Lusting after someone is not okay with me, but I've learned to deal. Only because I can find no better. No man that is not selfish.

 

Also, no... if someone walks by my boyfriend and he thinks she is pretty, thats fine. I think you can objectively see that someone is attractive, but not necessarily be attracted TO them. One last thing that upsets me.

 

I never asked/expected my boyfriend to turn blind. I just wish that he wouldn't seek out pictures of other women. Not seeking those pictures out, does not make him blind. So I don't actually see your point.

[spencer]

I could have written that.

[doniker]

I am a 40 year old married man and I masturbate everyday. I have been doing it everyday for as long as I can remember.

 

I have had many fulfilling emotional, sexual relationships but I still masturbate regularly, and sometimes to porn.

 

To me masturbation has nothing to do with a relationship with a woman. It is a completely seperate thing.

 

Any woman that is jealous of her man's hand is a nut.

[Tony T]

"I am a 40 year old married man and I masturbate everyday."

 

Your profile says you are female. Change your profile or fess up lest you lose total credibility on this forum. You can't have your advice relied upon if people find obvious discrepancies in what you write.

 

Now, how can we believe you masturbate everyday?

[moimeme]

LOL Then Doniker's a master of fiction, having written rather eloquently about his relationship, sexual and otherwise, with his wife

[doniker]

Your profile says you are female.

 

that was a mistake....don't know how that happened, I fixed it.

 

 

Change your profile or fess up lest you lose total credibility on this forum.

 

I couldn't care less about my or anybody's credibility on this forum; anyone can lie about anything, anytime.

 

 

You can't have your advice relied upon if people find obvious discrepancies in what you write.

 

I only write the truth; making up stuff and posting it is very childish and boring.

 

 

Now, how can we believe you masturbate everyday?

 

I don't care what you believe. I masturbate everyday, it's a fact.

[Tony T]

I hope you don't always get this defensive. A simple "I made a mistake" would have been sufficient. I'm also very sorry you don't care about your credibility, even if it is on an Internet forum. I feel that's something people ought to care about, ESPECIALLY on an advice forum where people's feelings and future are at stake. By I respect your right to your stance. Just glad I'm clear on it now.

[Reckless]

I must say one of the things that surprised me on reading posts regarding pornography on this site is womens attitude to it.

 

Personally it does nothing for me but I have been genuinely surprised at the number of women that equate looking at porn with 'cheating'. I can totally understand a woman feeling hurt and rejected because her man chooses porn over her, or neglects to satisfy her needs (or be intimate with her) in favor of an addiction to porn. I see that lies and deceit poison a relationship regardless of what one is being lied or deceived about and that guilt and its longtime partner, resentment often go hand in hand when women find their men looking at porn behind their backs but... I cannot for the life of me understand thinking that because a man looks at pictures of women having sex or otherwise 'engaged' they think less of their partner.

 

You can no more have an 'affair' with a picture than you can with a warm apple pie. Maybe it's growing up with brothers or that I have always been a kind of 'guy's girl' but I have always understood that men looking at porn is a kind of 'short cut' to relief. If there was a quicker (and more pleasurable) 'button' they'd press it. Imagine that there was an instant button that gave him a massive orgasm whenever he wanted it, you wouldn't say 'I think my boyfriend finds that button sexier than me..' or 'do you think that he would leave me and set up house with a big red button given the chance..?' You'd understand that the button was a means to an end.

 

Most men wouldn't actually be seen dead with someone that looked, dressed and especially acted like the porn star (If you doubt me, whip your knickers off and go lie with your legs open in the local high street - note down how many men ask you to marry them). Most men that are unfaithful are usually unfaithful with the quite ordinary looking women. Pornography is fantasy. no emotion and precious little thought is involved, how can it be compared to 'cheating'? Because a man doesn't tell you? Because if he wanted relief he should seek his partner? Maybe but when you make love with your partner it is'nt about 'self service', it's as much about the other person as yourself and most men occasionally want a moment to themselves with the 'little general' - quick, fast uncomplicated. That, for me is all it is.

 

Personally I think that it should just be written in a clause on the marriage certificate to save time; 'love, honor cherish, and look at porn for a quick w@*k from time to time when the missus is shopping...' because nearly all men do it. It means nothing to them. If they can't give it up when asked they are either addicted (not in love note, addicted) or it becomes the symbol of a relationship that is out of kilter in a lopsided, cat and mouse power struggle; in both cases something needs fixin'.

 

I'm not saying that it isn't a 'problem'. Fantasies can still be a problem, if left unchecked any fantasy they can plant seeds of discontent. I do feel that addiction to porn can spill over into the bedroom and sully or distort a healthy view of sex and I've learnt here at LS that masturbation and porn addiction can cause MASSIVE problems in a marriage but I don't think that looking at porn is comparable to glancing at a pretty woman walking down the street (not going blind) or having an affair (not being loyal) and I certainly do not think that women should approach it from the point of view that he finds these silicone, surgically enhanced, made up, airbrushed, dyed, plastic non-women as prettier than them or more attractive or more desirable in their men's eyes.

 

Men keep telling us this isn't the case; they CAN make a total separation in their heads, hearts and pants between fantasy and reality, and for them never the two shall meet (which is in part why they are so devastated when wife/partner finds out), it's we woman that refuse to believe it and run to the nearest mirror to promptly start beating out pretty little backs....

[Errol]

I think on it for a moment. And I reply "She matters to me."

 

I think this is the crux of your feelings. All of your insecurities are transferred to an image on a computer screen.

 

You can be a self-confident person and still be anti-porn, but you sound like you only have surface self-esteem, and are really an extremely insecure person. You are more than your body or your looks. Packaging can be nice, but its content that counts.

[doniker]

I am not defensive.

 

And anyone that bases there solutions solely on something someone says here on this forum deserves to get there feelings hurt or there future messed up.

 

We are not professionals and really have no right to guide anyone. Not that professionals can do any better anyhow!!

[jmargel]

Somebody,

 

Most men & women are different in regarding porn. Men are a more visual creature. Him looking at porn on his computer does not mean you are ugly, too fat, too thin, etc.. It also does not mean he desires you less, or would desire you more if he didnt have porn.

 

Is it disrespectful to you? That all depends on the person. What what you wrote in your post you seem to have a huge heart and take everything very personally. Nothing is wrong with that, i'm the same way.

 

I'm in a relationship, and love my gf to death. I just bought the engagement ring & going to ask her on v-tines day. I am totally committed to her. Now does that mean I don't look at porn? Nope, cause I do. My gf never saw one before so we rented one. She has a very open mind, so she kinda enjoyed it.

 

When I look at porn, I don't desire them, I dont want to be with them or love them. If one of those porn actresses/models came up & offered me 'some', I would turn them down. Just like your bf, my love & commitment for my gf is the most important thing in the world.

 

Instead of fighting this, try to enjoy it. Rent porn with him, find some with some hot guys on it. See if his insecurities kick in. Nothing wrong w/ watching it & making a comment or two about a hot guy you see on there. It might give you two some new ideas on positions, etc..

 

Better to have you two enjoy it together, than him doing it on his own, right?

[Somebody]

>>>>Instead of fighting this, try to enjoy it. Rent porn with him, find some with some hot guys on it. See if his insecurities kick in. Nothing wrong w/ watching it & making a comment or two about a hot guy you see on there. It might give you two some new ideas on positions, etc..<<<<

 

I think maybe I stand alone (or practically alone) when I say I am not attracted to anyone other than the person I love - or the person I'm "in love" with. So, I can't comment on a guy being hot... when I've got what I want beside me. I doubt I'm making sense. I don't notice anything male (weird way to talk I suppose) other than my boyfriend. Sure, turn on the TV, ask me what I think of someone - I can comment. But if you don't do that... I don't notice.

 

I love him so much that no other guy matters. I am attracted to no one else.

[Kriz]

Midori: There have been other threads on this site about boyfriends/husbands and pornography.

 

Now there's an understatement.

 

On topic then. Somebody... you really need to let this go. Looking is not cheating. If you are on a diet, and you look at a box of chocolates, you are not failing your diet. (that should be a methapor most women understand, or am I generalising too much? ). I understand it's rather painful to run in on him like that. It must have been for him too. But as Jmargel sais, it does not at all mean he's untrue to you.

[Somebody]

I don't like the diet "metaphor".

 

Let me see if I can explain why. First of all, I don't like to think of our relationship as being a diet. I mean, if we COULDN'T HAVE SEX (because we were sex-dieting) and he looked at CHOCOLATE (another woman) then I would understand. Our relationship was lacking something. However, if you aren't dieting (you're getting sex) and you still want CHOCOLATE (somebody else)... then go get 'em. Screw your figure (the person you love) and go eat the hell out of some Godiva (get yourself another woman, multiple women, so you can get your variety).

 

Try again, anyone. I really want to make sense of this. But nothing has been said that I don't feel I can disprove.

 

Other than men are incapable of loving a woman.

[Kriz]

Well, you've said it all in the title of your thread. No explanation will suffice. Have you come here to fuel your anger?

 

Let me try another female metaphor. You have a sweater you really love. It's the best sweater ever, and no sweater could ever replace it. However, you go out shopping and see another sweater... I'm beginning to get the feeling I will be called a sexist pig after these last two posts, but anyway... You buy the other sweater, but you don't really wear it, because you'd rather wear your favorite sweater. The sweater is still your favorite sweater, see? That's not going to change because of the new sweater.

 

I'm on a roll...

 

No seriously. Read some of the posts here. You'll notice women and men share extremely different perspectives on porn. Take it from me that he won't love you any less after looking at pictures of naked women. He wouldn't trade you for the world. I just hope you won't love him less because of it.

[jenny]

i remain so bothered about this issue. i know you are hurting, somebody, and it's clear that you have taken the trouble to aesthetize your pain. i'm sure many women can use that first post as a lyrical reminder of their own victimhood at the hands of porn.

 

when you are together with someone in a relationship, i agree that you should have a reasonable expectation of monogamy, if that is the type of relationship you have agreed upon. this means that you should have a certain amount of say in your partners' actions when it comes to what he or she does with other people's bodies.

 

being in a relationship, however, does not entail anyone to have control over their partners thoughts and internal sexuality. here is where i stand on your post:

 

you and he are separate people. he is entitled to his own thoughts and fantasies and you have no right to control them.

 

i simply can't imagine being with someone so insecure that i would not be allowed to read banned books, for example. i can't imagine having my privacy invaded so consistently; i can't imagine having to justify my thoughts or fantasies to someone. or worse, change or repress these thoughts because of constant emotional pressure and manipulation. i would feel infantilized and claustrophobic within weeks, i suspect. i want neither a mother nor a jailor: this is my mind, and i should allowed to roam free in it.

 

i know i am phobic, a bit, about privacy and space. but i'm starting to wonder when we will begin to see posts from people who can no longer withstand the dreadful, insecure, controlling needs of their partners to surveil and administrate their private, individual, sexual needs.

 

i agree there can be problems with porn addiction. i agree it can get in the way of intimacy. i think we have talked about these problems ad nauseum. i hope we can begin to talk about the consequences of telling an SO what they are allowed to think and when they are allowed to touch their own genitals.

 

i feel sorry for you, somebody. and i feel sorry for your boyfriend. i hope you will get some help with your insecurities and find a source of drama that does not restrict the mental life of another seperate, individual, human being.

[moimeme]

What Jenny said.

 

We're not supposed to marry someone to turn that person into someone else.

[DivaGirl]

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I used to be *extremely* insecure, and very jealous about my boyfriends looking at porn or naked women. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Later on in life, when I had more self esteem and was enjoying my life more, I realized that I didn't care if they looked. I'm too lazy to go back and find who said it, but it's just like that red orgasm button. It's a means to a natural end.

 

I also think you're too influenced by TV. Regardless of what you may think, not every man wants a Victoria's Secret woman. In fact, if I got all dolled up with a manicure and such, I guarantee you my boyfriend wouldn't think I was any hotter than he already does. Confidence and therefore sexual appeal comes COMPLETELY from the inside. No amount of time at the beauty salon can buy that.

 

I'd also recommend you go with your boyfriend to a sex shop, and look at the racks of movies. You'll quickly realize just how imperfect these women you're jealous of are. Very few women have the "perfect" body you hear about. The ones who seem to have been airbrushed. It's just not worth it getting upset over.

 

In addition, if you keep him on such a tight leash, eventually he may leave for someone who's, and I mean this with no disrespect, less uptight. Trust me, that happened to me once, and all I could think about for weeks after was, "I let a great guy leave me because I was upset that he enjoyed looking at naked women?? Something he's been doing his ENTIRE LIFE? How STUPID can I be?" I'm not saying that you're stupid, mind you. Merely that I felt so foolish about losing something so great by getting upset over something so insignificant.

[LoveDeluxe]

Having read similar posts like yours, I feel that I must give you another female perspective. The issue here is not whether your boyfriend is "cheating" on you (he's not). From your post, it seems that the main issue here is insecurity. You mentioned how you didn't feel you could look like the perfect models on screen. First off, we must learn to accept and love ourselves the way we are. There will always be people more attractive than us, richer than us, more intelligent, luckier, as there will always be people more unattractive than us, poorer than us, less intelligent than us, and unluckier than us. If you put it all into perspective, I think it will be easier for you to become more comfortable with who you are.

 

Secondly, men are visual creatures This has scientifically been proven and psychologists and sex therapists will confirm this fact. Be happy that your boyfriend is a healthy, red blooded male with healthy thoughts and desires. You first caught his attention because he found you attractive and I am sure that he continues to be attracted to you. However, just because a person is in a relationship does not mean that all their attraction buttons are automatically shut off. What you do need to give your boyfriend credit for, is that, despite the fact that he will always be visually attracted to other women, he has CHOSEN to be monogamous and faithful to you! And seriously, if trust is an issue, then I would be more worried about your boyfriend hanging out with his female co-workers, or being outside the house, then pornography. The bottom line is, most men aren't naturally hard-wired for monogamy. However, good men have made promises to commit and that must count for something, doesn't it? Pornography allows him to diffuse some of that fantasy to have sex with other women without crossing that boundary into infidelity. This does not mean that he does not find you attractive. Men can find a multitude of looks attractive, and most times, they are not thinking, wow, that model on the computer screen is MUCH MUCH hotter than my girlfriend. Couples could benefit from introducing porn into their sex lives. Gee, I'm scared to think what problems a bachelor party would pose to some women? Secondly, you say you are there for him whenever he wants sex, well hun, a comedian once said, if women were there for men whenever they wanted sex, women would not have time to work or, heck, put on clothes or leave the bedroom. While this is meant to be funny, there is some truth to it.

HOWEVER, with that said, there are certain situations where pornography is simply not accepted. If he is looking at child pornography or beastiality, that is another issue, or if he is CONSUMED by porn to the point where it affects your sex life, where he would rather masturbate with porn than have sex with you, then that's another issue altogether and that would pose a huge problem.

I just want to sum this up by saying that the solution to this problem is to strengthe your self esteem and to educate yourself more about male sexuality. If you have any male friends, you can objectively ask them questions and reflect on their answers. Just because you are in a relationship does not give you an excuse to forbid someone to have fantasies, as long as he is not cheating on you or acting on fantasies that would breach your trust. Most men would not want to spend their lives with women who are overbearing, not understanding, unreasonable, and insecure. Here is what Dan Savage of Savage Love writes about men and porn:

 

 

"Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask her man to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people--to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man. But the true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If a woman can't see that, well, then she has no understanding of men's sexuality and, consequently, no business being in a relationship with a man".

 

 

 

Good luck and I hope you find what you need so that you can strenghten your self esteem as well as your relationship with your boyfriend.

[DivaGirl]

Apparently I have a few other thoughts on the matter.

 

I just read this on another thread, and it got me to thinking. You know, your boyfriend could be DATING that woman he was looking, in the most wonderful relationship anyone could ever imagine, with all of his friends commenting constantly on how jealous they are of him, and I guarantee you he'd still be looking at OTHER naked women or other forms of porn. It's just the way guys are programmed. I guarantee you they don't want to hurt you, don't care about the women in the pictures, and don't think about them outside of getting their "release". If they do, then they're asses who don't deserve you anyway.

 

More elaboration on the sex shop...I went to one with my boyfriend last night. I just thought it'd be fun. He didn't really want to go in, even though he had gone to them constantly before he met me. i asked him why he didn't want to, and he said, "Because I have you. I don't need to anymore." Yet I know he still looks at magazines and porn and gets off to them. But they're old ones. He won't spend money now on it when he can get the real thing. And I had a good time embarrassing him last night. Every time someone would walk past us I'd start mentioning my boyfriend's sexual preferences (it starts with an A..that's all I'll say). He turned bright red. It was great. Ok, so that's really tangential, but my point is that if you have fun with it, your boyfriend will think you're awesome. No one wants someone who's insecure and seemingly prudish.