I caught my boyfriend looking at porn on his computer. No explanation will suffice.

[somebody]

>>>>However, good men have made promises to commit and that must count for something, doesn't it? Pornography allows him to diffuse some of that fantasy to have sex with other women without crossing that boundary into infidelity.<<<<

 

If a man needs to fantasize about multiple women - he shouldn't be in a relationship (at least not one where monogomy is expected).

 

Also, to address everyone's posts about being a prude - I say nothing about it to him anymore. I don't try to control his thoughts, if he doesn't want to think about me when he masturbates, then okay. I can't keep him from looking/thinking about someone else, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to know HE DOES NOT LOVE ME. Go ahead and add fuel to the fire and try to tell me that he could.

 

Again, blame this on my "insecurities" if you think its necessary. If a man loves a woman, she will be enough for him.

 

So, with this guy... I have decided to settle. I will never find any kind of "true" love. All that exists is some "practical" love BS.

 

Until very recently, I did some modeling for a few magazines in my area. Nothing big, just to make a little money on the side. My boyfriend is the one who told me he was uncomfortable with me trying to get a real hold on anything in the modeling world. I was modeling undergarments and he was quite upset over it. So I stopped. I don't think I'm hideous looking or anything, never really have. I've always seen myself as average, I suppose. Its not about how I look, in my opinion. It should be about his love for me.

 

To Kriz^, I never buy sweaters I don't wear. Another example, if you will. Also, I didn't name my post with the ending "No explanation will suffice". A mod changed it. It originally was called "A story". Just thought I'd throw that in.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

If a man needs to fantasize about multiple women - he shouldn't be in a relationship (at least not one where monogomy is expected).

You don't understand men. Sometimes, their thoughts are beyond control.

I can't keep him from looking/thinking about someone else, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to know HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.

If you judge LOVE by carnal thoughts, perhaps it is you who is not ready for a relationship.

[somebody]

>>>>If you judge LOVE by carnal thoughts, perhaps it is you who is not ready for a relationship.<<<<

 

That was actually pretty interesting to think about, thanks. How exactly should it be judged, dyermaker? If love can't "conquer"/control thoughts that supposedly mean nothing, then it sure as hell can't do anything else.

 

I have read some of your other posts, I take it you have a girlfriend but she is long distance, yes? So that, plus your ages, leads me to assume you have not had any kind of sexual interaction. If I'm wrong, correct me (don't mean to be rude anyways)... I was just thinking, read my first post, pretend it was her that wrote it. Do you think the woman you love would be happy to know you could be thinking about her... but were choosing to jerk off to another girl? She'd be all smiles knowing she wasn't good enough, eh?

 

I must really have a problem if women are supposed to like this. My counselor actually says otherwise, but I'm giving you LS-ers a chance to convince me - that its me.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

>>>>If you judge LOVE by carnal thoughts, perhaps it is you who is not ready for a relationship.<<<<

 

That was actually pretty interesting to think about, thanks. How exactly should it be judged, dyermaker? If love can't "conquer"/control thoughts that supposedly mean nothing, then it sure as hell can't do anything else.

 

I have read some of your other posts, I take it you have a girlfriend but she is long distance, yes? So that, plus your ages, leads me to assume you have not had any kind of sexual interaction. If I'm wrong, correct me (don't mean to be rude anyways)... I was just thinking, read my first post, pretend it was her that wrote it. Do you think the woman you love would be happy to know you could be thinking about her... but were choosing to jerk off to another girl? She'd be all smiles knowing she wasn't good enough, eh?

 

I must really have a problem if women are supposed to like this. My counselor actually says otherwise, but I'm giving you LS-ers a chance to convince me - that its me.

Love is a powerful emotion. But it's an indulgence, not a medication. Men will look. Sex is part of love, love is not all about sex.

 

Sometimes, not to be crude, but a boner is a boner. And a boner is inconvenient, and needs to be taken care of. Pornography serves as a visual aid to masturbation. There is no emotion involved, no intimacy. You may have more sexual experience than me, as you were happy to point out, but I have a penis--and unless you can find yourself a good surgeon, this is something you will never have.

 

Your man sounds like a catch, and he sounds like he loves you. Once again, and I don't mean to repeat myself, but love is not about sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts come into our heads at a rate of, depending on the chemistry at the time, once every eight minutes. Pornography speeds up the process of the easiest way of eliminating those thoughts. You are never compared to a porn star, he's never wishing you were a porn star, he's never going to leave you for a porn star. From your post, I found your man to be sensitive and contrite.

 

I also refuse to address, in this case, the parallels between my situation and yours.

[somebody]

>>>>You may have more sexual experience than me, as you were happy to point out,<<<<

 

I figured that came out bad. I sincerely apologize (if there is such a thing in an online forum)...

 

But I do wonder why you will not compare your situation with mine? Is it because you know she would be hurt or... I'm just missing something huge? I honestly cannot see how she would like it very much, but I really wish you could explain it to me if you think she wouldn't care.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

But I do wonder why you will not compare your situation with mine? Is it because you know she would be hurt or... I'm just missing something huge? I honestly cannot see how she would like it very much, but I really wish you could explain it to me if you think she wouldn't care.

Okay, I'll do it, but only because my neighbor clearly wants sugar, and I might as well be diabetic. You are missing something huge.

 

As far as my sexuality, I already love my girl enough to consider myself emotionally prepared for sex. I would die for her, I would support her through anything that ever happened to her. No matter what she looked like, what happened to her financially, what she dreamed, hoped, and pursued--I would still Love her, with a capital L. I won't have sex with her until we are married, because I believe in the retention of spiritual values despite changing social standards. This is an unpopular belief, but I stick with it as mine.

 

Something that I feel makes our relationship valuable is our communication and understanding. No matter what happens, we will always love each other. No matter what mistakes we will undoubtedly make, we will continue to love. Some wouldn't believe me, jaded by the heartbreak that they hear of, but convincing me that this isn't the way I'm going to spend my life is like convincing Jesus he was switched at birth.

 

Your guy was caught jacking off to porn. This is something that a high percentage of males do, in the high nineties for sure. I know that if I masturbated to porn, the love of my life would never think that I don't love her. She would never think that all of the sudden she was "settling" with something she didn't deserve. It's the nature of our love, we accept everything that happens, and work through it.

 

We may be young, but we understand something that you don't. Humans are imperfect, and no relationship is perfect. However, there is no mistake that one of us would never emotionally resign the way you have. We know that our love won't survive without communication and understanding. She's not perfect, and would probably be upset with me looking at another woman. But the way you react and emotionally feel about your man is NOT a feeling that my girl would ever have. It's apples and oranges, and I didn't want to get into it with you, but now you know where I'm coming from.

 

So, no, she wouldn't be "all smiles." Nor would either of us be delusional enough to trick ourselves into thinking life was all smiles, that relationships were all smiles, that all smiles could be drawn from another person, or that all smiles were a human experience. That's unhealthy, and we know it.

[somebody]

Thank you very much for your last post, dyermaker. Its the best reply I've received so far.

 

I do concede that its definitely possible for you and your girlfriend to have a much stronger bond than I do with my boyfriend. I respect your opinions/advice - whatever you may choose to call them.

 

I see myself as being stuck in a mental rut? Perhaps thats not the best way of saying it. If women don't like it, are hurt by it, and the men understand - then why can they not love them enough to stop? I'm sure most women would be more than happy to give their guy sexy pictures of themselves (for the aforementioned inoppertune "boner"). So why must they still opt for variety --- yet try for monogamy?

 

I do respect that your relationship is a very acceptive one, and one full of communication. On the few occasions I have tried to bring this up with my SO after counseling (at the thought that maybe I was some insecure psycho chick), I was totally put off.

 

I have decided to let it be, and talk to my counselor when I'm trying to deal with it. I do feel that I am settling, sadly. I can't leave him, because I think it would be a very painful thing for him - to have our relationship end.

 

It just somehow takes the specialness out of it, knowing you are not the only woman your man looks at "that way"... or lusts for. You're just another name on the list. So I don't really see sex as anything special anymore, at least for me. I know some relationships are true, and the love within is true, and the sex must mean a lot. Its really not much fun for me anymore, if I'm not desired over a porn star. Say I am, but... he has pictures of me, he could get off to that if he wanted. I do so many things with him, try to act out his fantasies... we have a very healthy sex life. But I'm completely miserable. I just can't ever let him know that.

 

So I try to be "all smiles" because I feel thats what he needs from me. Its obvious he doesn't love me enough to stop, so I must pretend its ok, or leave. As I said before I can't leave. So I'm pretending.

 

My counselor thinks its wrong for me to pretend, but he tends to be pushing towards me being bold enough to say "I need ________, or _______ happens".

However, he has never told me I was wrong for not wanting my boyfriend to look at porn. He actually doesn't see my views on love as being distorted at all - and encourages me to get out of the relationship for my sake.

 

Again, thanks everyone for their posts. Its been a great mental excersize.

 

somebody

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

If women don't like it, are hurt by it, and the men understand - then why can they not love them enough to stop? I'm sure most women would be more than happy to give their guy sexy pictures of themselves (for the aforementioned inoppertune "boner"). So why must they still opt for variety --- yet try for monogamy?

Aha! I was waiting for you to say this. I've given this speech before, but something tells me you're a bit more receptive.

 

Do you remember when I spoke of imperfections?

 

Your role as a partner is not to correct imperfections. You comitted to a red-blooded, porn-watching man, like most. Change for another person is never healthy, it's not conducive to love. He doesn't have a responsibility to change for you, and I think that this may be one of the issues you need to bring up with your counselor. I'm not qualified to delve into what makes you, and a high number of women, feel this way. Maybe someday I will be.

 

I do feel that I am settling, sadly. I can't leave him, because I think it would be a very painful thing for him - to have our relationship end.

Now we speak of something else. The love is gone, you have stopped loving him. While I am positive that this is due to your own issues, and not his, I cannot deny that the love you had for him is gone. You deserve someone who will make you happy, someone to love, someone that you don't feel betrayed you. You have a choice, to correct your own nueroses and insecurities, or to find someone who doesn't trigger that. Finding a man who will never think of another woman seems like an impossible challenge, but if you are incapable of love with this man, I present the quest as an oppurtunity.

 

It just somehow takes the specialness out of it, knowing you are not the only woman your man looks at "that way"... or lusts for. You're just another name on the list. So I don't really see sex as anything special anymore, at least for me. I know some relationships are true, and the love within is true, and the sex must mean a lot.

SEX IS NOT ABOUT EJACULATION!

I ejaculate at least seven times a week, but I am a virgin. If you consider your visual attraction to him the only tenet of your love and intimacy, then your love was never true. His penis belongs to him, not you. That's critical. He urinates with the penis, he masturbates with the penis, and he makes love to you with the penis. Do you make him think of you when he urinates? Sex is truly special when it is intimate, when there is a psychological connection with the person that he is sharing it with. This is a connection that you gave him, and that a picture can never give him.

 

Its really not much fun for me anymore, if I'm not desired over a porn star. Say I am, but... he has pictures of me, he could get off to that if he wanted. I do so many things with him, try to act out his fantasies... we have a very healthy sex life.

I wish I was a therapist, and I could find the root of your mental blending of sex and intimacy. You are the only woman he is intimate with, and I feel sorry for him that you cannot understand him.

But I'm completely miserable. I just can't ever let him know that.

 

So I try to be "all smiles" because I feel thats what he needs from me.

Your constant, "I can't leave, to protect him" act is not fooling me. You are no martyr, that's for sure. If you are staying in a relationship with one whom you honestly feel isn't deserving of your love, then staying in the relationship is SELFISH. He deserves a woman who does not feel the way you do. He deserves a woman who can respect the choices he makes in his life.

 

If you had any character at all, you'd tell him what you told us. "Honey, I don't love you, I have no respect for you, sex with you is meaningless, but I'm going to settle with you." See if he wants to stay.

[somebody]

>>>>Your role as a partner is not to correct imperfections. You comitted to a red-blooded, porn-watching man, like most. Change for another person is never healthy, it's not conducive to love<<<<

 

>>>>If you had any character at all, you'd tell him what you told us. "Honey, I don't love you, I have no respect for you, sex with you is meaningless, but I'm going to settle with you." See if he wants to stay.<<<<

 

I agree. Kind of. I don't need to try to change him, and I don't need to be changed. I should not have to think "porn is ok". I have stayed in the relationship too long, and you're right - you could probably nail it to me being selfish. But, if two people disagree on something in a relationship and they still want to stay together - one person should change, or they both should change. Being a woman (who's views you don't really agree with), I am confused as to why I should be the one to consent to change to something that is hurtful to me? I'm not refusing to change something that hurts him...

 

*I love him. However, I don't love him as much as I did before I knew this about him.

*I respect him, I do not respect his views on sex.

*Sex with him is absolutely meaningless. He could have the same satisfaction sitting at his computer desk. Again, how can it NOT be meaningless?

*I shouldn't settle for him, and I need to deal with this somehow. I am completely faithful to him, I desire no other man. I am not a prude in the bedroom. I take care of his daughter. I clean his house. I pay more than half of the bills. I'm not a BAD girlfriend to him. I deserve love... at least, if I fight the fact that now I feel completely worthless, I used to deserve love.

 

>>>>If you consider your visual attraction to him the only tenet of your love and intimacy, then your love was never true. <<<<

 

Not only, but a big part.

 

Thank you for your post.

[LoveDeluxe]

Your last post really saddens me. Your boyfriend sounds like a great person and your relationship sounds wonderful, as I am sure that you are two wonderful people. You sound very intelligent and I really admire you for coming on here and sharing your feelings with us. While I have posted earlier that men and porn should not pose a problem for relationships (unless excessive, but everything is bad if not in moderation), if you are truly unhappy with the relationship, maybe you should move on. However, my fear is that you will enter into other relationships and find that this men and porn dilemna will continue to haunt your relationships. Happiness is a state of mind and it seems like you are so unhappy with this relationship. Instead of thinking that you are settling, enjoy each other's company and remember the reasons why you initially began dating in the first place. Please don't think that he does not love you because he is looking at porn, because men are able to separate love from sex. I wish it was simply that falling and being in love would turn our lust buttons off to everyone except our significant others. It just simply isn't the case. So instead of being miserable and "pretending" to enjoy this relationship, be kinder to yourself by accepting him for who he is and accepting the nature of male sexuality, or let the relationship go. Either way, you will be much happier, and I wish you the best!

 

You make the argument that if a person can not stop fantasizing about others, then they should not be in monogamous relationships. Well, there are two flaws with your reasoning. First off, fantasies are merely fantasies and it is no indication that a person would want to actually act out those fantasies. Many people have fantasies that they may not feel comfortable acting out or fantasies in which they have no desire to act out. A psychologist wrote in an article that some of her female clients fantasized about being raped. However, being overtaken by a mysterious handsome stranger may sound erotic as a fantasy, but I doubt many women would want this to happen in real life. In conclusion, people usually do not always want to act out their fantasies. Secondly, if you feel that those who fantasize about others should not be monogamous, then I think that we should prepare to welcome the end of monogamous relationships, as everyone has fantasized about another from time to time, whether it is a celebrity or whomever.

 

While writing this, I just thought of a compromise that would work out well for you. Since you know it bothers you so much that he looks at porn, and you know he will continue to look at porn, maybe you can ask that he respect you enough to not do it while you were around and to have the porn on the computer in a special folder that is discreet and away from sight. That way, he is respecting you by being discreet since he knows it bothers you, and you can respect him by not asking since you know that knowing would bother you. His responsibility is to be discreet, and your responsibility is to not ask him about it. This sounds fair, don't you think?

 

Let us know how it goes!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

I should not have to think "porn is ok".

Whoa! Of course not, I wouldn't recommend you changing for him either.

But, if two people disagree on something in a relationship and they still want to stay together - one person should change, or they both should change.

If you equate "change" with "changing behavior" and not "changing emotion"--I disagree with you. You basically describe two people making decisions for one another. You, and you're not alone, describe partnership as an act of submission. I feel sorry for you, that you are emotionally wired to think that relationships work this way, because healthy ones do not.

*Sex with him is absolutely meaningless. He could have the same satisfaction sitting at his computer desk. Again, how can it NOT be meaningless?

No, once again, sex is not about ejaculation. If the "satisfaction" of sex came from ejaculation, men would never need women at all. The satisfaction comes from intimacy, and if you think that he's intimate with a computer, you don't posess an intrinisic understanding of the entire sexual person.

*I shouldn't settle for him, and I need to deal with this somehow. I am completely faithful to him, I desire no other man.

You are not faithful to him, if you do not love him, but lead him to believe that you do. You are being dishonest, by carrying along this relationship. I have a lot of sympathy for you, that you are wounded, but offer no validation to the despicable manner in which you hide your feelings from him.

>>>>If you consider your visual attraction to him the only tenet of your love and intimacy, then your love was never true. <<<<

 

Not only, but a big part.

Honestly, with true love, it doesn't play a part at all. You claim that because he masturbated (Him touching himself. Did you read the part where I said his penis belongs to him?) while looking at the picture, he doesn't love you. If you think that love is a physical response, and not an emotional force, methinks you have not found love.

 

I wish you the best of luck, in either addressing and confronting your own problems, or finding a man without sin.

 

(Edited to add: I have school tommorow, and it's 12 am, I need to go to bed now. When I come home tommorow, I will continue this with you if neccessary. You will be in my prayers tonight, I don't mean that in an offensive way)

[somebody]

No offense to you, but I don't see how that wouldn't just be MORE pretending on my part. Its not "ok" that he just hides it. It will still bother me, so he might as well be super-open about the fact that I'm not good enough. At least then, I can find some reason in it. Not good enough... boyfriend looks at porn. Ok. That makes it my fault that he's doing it, correct? Which is what everyone replying has said - that I'm the one with the problem not him.

 

Please, someone address this: if you could look at pictures of your SO (who isn't unattractive by any means) when you can't have the real thing... why choose someone else? Because you don't love them. You don't want monogomy. You want to act like an animal - and let me say that is perfectly ok. Just don't stay with a woman who would give you everything make her feel like s***.

 

I am not completely sure about this, but I think I want to get out of the relationship. I'm sure some of my posts have been bitter, I'm sorry. I just wanted opinions and someone to hear me out. I would rather no one love me, than for him to half-love me. I deserve some happiness, even if I get it while I'm alone.

 

Thanks to all, again.

[dyermaker]

I let the fact that you are so kind distract me from the fact that you are stubborn. You pick out bits and peices of our post, and selectively attack them based on your preconceived false notions about relationships. You delude yourself, on many levels, and if your counselor validates your delusions, perhaps you should find a different one.

 

Originally posted by somebody

It will still bother me, so he might as well be super-open about the fact that I'm not good enough.

Why should he justify your feelings? You feel like you're not good enough, not him.

That makes it my fault that he's doing it, correct? Which is what everyone replying has said - that I'm the one with the problem not him.

It's not your fault that he looks at porn, it's a common male behavior. He was wired that way. When we say that you are the one with the problem, we're referring to your problems in perceiving emotions, that somehow him looking at porn means he doesn't love you.

Please, someone address this: if you could look at pictures of your SO (who isn't unattractive by any means) when you can't have the real thing... why choose someone else? Because you don't love them. You don't want monogomy.

You ask the question, and then you answer it according to your delusion. Monogamy is defined as "The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time." A photograph is NOT a sexual partner.

 

I have brought this up three times, Why won't you address the difference between sexual contact and intimate contact? Do you find them one in the same? Are you really going to assert that sex is purely physical? That there is no emotional aspect at all?

I am not completely sure about this, but I think I want to get out of the relationship.

I think you've already given up on this one, my fear, which was also the fear of LoveDeluxe, is that you will take your attitude and apply it to future relationships, which will only bring you in a cycle of failed ones.

I just wanted opinions and someone to hear me out.

When you said this, I believed you, but now I have trouble believing you. If you only want opinions that validate your neueroses, mention that in your post, I would have never gotten involved. There are plenty of unhappy women who will tell you that you are doing the right thing, and you'll end up just like them. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with you, but I know that you deserve love, and in order to obtain love, you must understand love. And if you think masturbation is an act even remotely close to love, it doesn't look like this is going to happen for you.

[somebody]

>>>>You are not faithful to him, if you do not love him, but lead him to believe that you do. You are being dishonest, by carrying along this relationship. I have a lot of sympathy for you, that you are wounded, but offer no validation to the despicable manner in which you hide your feelings from him.<<<<

 

"*I love him. However, I don't love him as much as I did before I knew this about him."

 

He knows this.

 

>>>>If you think that love is a physical response, and not an emotional force, methinks you have not found love.<<<<

 

To me (M-E. obviously not everyone): love is an emotional force that controls physical responses.

 

When I said the visual attraction was a big part of my feelings on intimacy with him - I didn't mean that I'm with him for his looks. I mean, while engaged in anything intimate, I associate my VISUAL picture of him with the way I feel. I associate him with being the man I love. The man I am committed to. Its a visual attraction...

 

**Him. Man I love. Man I am committed to. He is doing this to me. It feels good. OOOO.

**Dude. On TV. Is taking off his shirt. So? I don't even know what his name is or whether or not he eats bananas. No ooo.

 

I would like very much to continue this tomorrow. Thanks for your replies tonight.

 

somebody

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

When I said the visual attraction was a big part of my feelings on intimacy with him - I didn't mean that I'm with him for his looks. I mean, while engaged in anything intimate, I associate my VISUAL picture of him with the way I feel. I associate him with being the man I love. The man I am committed to. Its a visual attraction...

 

**Him. Man I love. Man I am committed to. He is doing this to me. It feels good. OOOO.

**Dude. On TV. Is taking off his shirt. So? I don't even know what his name is or whether or not he eats bananas. No ooo.

You are a female. You are psychologically, physically, and chemically different than a man. Please read my previous post, I think we're overlapping since a third person entered our little conversation. Please address the difference between intimacy and sex FOR THE MALE. Because this problem is going to reappear if you continue to treat emotions this way.

 

Anyway, dead serious, I'm off to bed now. Good luck, God Bless, and we'll talk tommorow.

[somebody]

>>>>Monogamy is defined as "The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time." <<<<

 

And if you desire other people during this time - GO FOR IT! But then, refuse monogomy. Because you aren't happy with it if your single partner is not enough.

 

>>>>I have brought this up three times, Why won't you address the difference between sexual contact and intimate contact? Do you find them one in the same? Are you really going to assert that sex is purely physical? That there is no emotional aspect at all?<<<<

 

There is emotional. Lots of emotion. In a relationship, again this is only my opinion, sexual contact should be intimate contact... because you are saying the latter is better, no? You shouldn't be "intimate" with your wife, and be "sexual" with girls on the side. You should be INTIMATE and animalistically SEXUAL with one person. If you choose monogomy.

 

>>>>When you said this, I believed you, but now I have trouble believing you. If you only want opinions that validate your neueroses, mention that in your post, I would have never gotten involved. <<<<

 

I have sorry to have come off this way. I don't want validation. I want someone to prove to me that my boyfriend can still love me because it hurts me so badly, dyermaker. I know you can't understand where I'm coming from, and I'm glad you can't. I just want to be happy with him like I used to be. I miss that so much. I miss knowing I was important. "His girl". Not knowing I wasn't enough to satisfy him. I'm sorry.. I'm getting very emotional. Forgive me if the post didn't make sense. I am just so sad and so hurt

[jenny]

i showed your initial post to my fiancee, and his response was interesting. i had not thought of it this way.

 

the irony of the first post is that your bf is probably not comparing you to some false ideal, but you are comapring him to one. you are comparing your real life breathing boyfriend to a fantasy man, with airbrushed desires and responses.

[LoveDeluxe]

Funny thing is, when my bf came home, I showed him this whole thread, and he mentioned exactly what Jenny's bf mentioned, that your bf is not comparing you to some unrealistic ideal, he accepts and loves you for who you are, however, you are comparing your real life breathing bf to an ideal that, I'm sorry to say, does not exist, if only in fairytales.

 

Just like Jenny, I never saw it this way until my bf mentioned it to me! Interesting!

[Reckless]

. I just want to be happy with him like I used to be. I miss that so much. I miss knowing I was important. "His girl". Not knowing I wasn't enough to satisfy him.

 

This thread is making me sadder and sadder as it goes on. You are in a relationship with someone with a man, men can love their girl and find other women visually stimulating, they can but if you absolutely cannot accept that (which you cannot) then you should put yourself and your guy out of your misery and find someone that shares your views on pornography and masturbation. Someone with whom you can harmonize in this area because sex is a very important part of a relationship and dissatisfaction (and you are clearly dissatisfied with your man's attitude...) in this area is a main predictor of a relationship lasting.

 

As LD and Jenny's SO's suggested, you will have a hard time finding a man that only fantasies about you and finds porn repulsive but this is not impossible. And if you cannot adjust your expectations then that is your only option. According to one study I read somewhere most people almost always fantasize while they're having sex and about 50% of men and women report never having fantasies that include their partner. This is the nature of human sexuality, no judgment call just a fact.

 

Anyway, no doubt dyer will be back to continue your discussion but in the meantime I'll say that no one is telling you should like porn if you don't but you should like and want to communicate with your boyfriend. If you can't, if you have 'given up' on the love you once had, if the respect is dying and the resentment is building, if, in short you don't feel like you're 'his girl' his one and only any more, then he may not be the man for you.

 

Good luck,

r.

 

[oh and dyermaker, great posting - if I were 375 years younger and you were free ....and my body wasn't entirely covered in scales....]

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by somebody

And if you desire other people during this time - GO FOR IT! But then, refuse monogomy. Because you aren't happy with it if your single partner is not enough.

Looking at porn does not constitute a desire for sex with other people. Those who look at porn are still capable of emotional connection and monogamy. Your assertion that pornographic viewing constitutes a breach in monogamy is false, because your SO did not ever express the desire to cheat on you, ever.

You shouldn't be "intimate" with your wife, and be "sexual" with girls on the side. You should be INTIMATE and animalistically SEXUAL with one person. If you choose monogomy.

Per usual, you twist my words to fit your delusion. One should be intimate with their partner, yes. However, I never suggested that he be sexual with girls on the side. That's cheating. Rather, I suggested that he be sexual with himself, which is what he is doing.

I have sorry to have come off this way. I don't want validation. I want someone to prove to me that my boyfriend can still love me because it hurts me so badly, dyermaker.

As far as my writing, and the writing of other people, it couldn't be any clearer to me that we have tried to prove your boyfriend still loves you. It boils down to you thinking pornography is sex, which it is not. Pornography doesn't constitute the emotional connection, if you are jealous of what he and the computer shared, then you aren't really understanding the psychological aspect of sex, and you are missing out on a lot.

I just want to be happy with him like I used to be. I miss that so much. I miss knowing I was important. "His girl". Not knowing I wasn't enough to satisfy him. I'm sorry.. I'm getting very emotional. Forgive me if the post didn't make sense. I am just so sad and so hurt

I'm sorry you're sad, and I'm sorry you're hurt. Sometimes I wonder if you read my posts at all, what makes you think that he loves you only for your body? Are you sure this isn't just one symptom in an already troubled relationship?

 

As two others have pointed out, you are comparing your man to an emotional ideal of perfection, and it's sabotaging the relationship. If you call looking at porn 'cheating', what do you call what you're doing?

[doniker]

One good point about my marriage is that my wife would never ever get all upset and goofy over something like me looking at porn and jacking off.

 

We are both 40 year old mature people that realize that there are more important things in life to be concerned about.

 

Get over it already.

[Errol]

I have decided to let it be, and talk to my counselor when I'm trying to deal with it. I do feel that I am settling, sadly. I can't leave him, because I think it would be a very painful thing for him - to have our relationship end.

The most promising thing about this whole thread is that you are in counseling.

If you feel you are settling – get out of the relationship now.

You think it would be painful for him if you were to leave him!?! First – its not your responsibility and a pretty arrogant attitude. Second, if not now – then someday soon, the pain of being in a relationship with someone who feels that he was what you ‘settled for’ is going to cause him a lot more pain, and longer-lasting pain, then if you were to just get out of the relationship now. If you love him so much then let him go so he can find someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved. You keep saying you deserve to be loved – well so does he!

 

we have a very healthy sex life. But I'm completely miserable. I just can't ever let him know that.

Okay, you don’t know what a healthy sex life is! If you are miserable – then its not healthy. If you can’t communicate to him and let him know how you feel then your whole relationship is not healthy – for either of you! A healthy sex life has nothing to do with physical pleasure and orgasm – it has to do with emotional fulfillment and, honey, you don’t have that.

 

However, he has never told me I was wrong for not wanting my boyfriend to look at porn. He actually doesn't see my views on love as being distorted at all - and encourages me to get out of the relationship for my sake.

No, you are not “wrong” for wanting your boyfriend to not look at porn. Looking at porn is not the issue – its your interpretation of the reason for looking that is the issue in the relationship. If your boyfriend will not stop looking at porn for you then GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. You may very well be able to find a man who will share your views – they do exist and think how much happier you will be when you find him.

 

But, if two people disagree on something in a relationship and they still want to stay together - one person should change, or they both should change. Being a woman (who's views you don't really agree with), I am confused as to why I should be the one to consent to change to something that is hurtful to me? I'm not refusing to change something that hurts him...

What! No, no one should change. People can compromise and adjust their behavior to please or not offend someone else – but it’s not an either/or situation. You say you are not refusing to change something that hurts him…. Well, isn’t that EXACTLY what you are doing? Do you really know what hurts him, or are you thinking that something shouldn’t hurt him based on your own feelings and not considering anything beyond that?

 

*Sex with him is absolutely meaningless. He could have the same satisfaction sitting at his computer desk. Again, how can it NOT be meaningless?

Good God! Get OUT of the relationship if sex is meaningless to you. If I found out that my spouse felt that way about me I would leave in a heartbeat. NO ONE deserves to have their partner—the person they love, feel that way about them and only pretend. That is far more painful a thing to put him through that a quick – “we aren’t right for each other lets break up and find happiness somewhere else.”

 

Do you honestly think that if he stops looking at porn that he will have changed and suddenly love you more? Do you know that mental images pop into guy’s minds without the guy thinking about the image? Every image he has already seen is stored in his mind. He might try to not think about them, but the images will pop in unannounced and uninvited from time to time – and probably during sex. It does NOT mean that his feelings for you are compromised or that he needs the images in order to continue with you. It is NOT the same satisfaction. But then again, you can’t seem to understand the line between physical sexual actions and emotional lovemaking.

 

 

Dyermaker: If you equate "change" with "changing behavior" and not "changing emotion"--I disagree with you. You basically describe two people making decisions for one another. You, and you're not alone, describe partnership as an act of submission. I feel sorry for you, that you are emotionally wired to think that relationships work this way, because healthy ones do not.

 

Well said Dyermaker.

 

It will still bother me, so he might as well be super-open about the fact that I'm not good enough. At least then, I can find some reason in it. Not good enough... boyfriend looks at porn. Ok. That makes it my fault that he's doing it, correct? Which is what everyone replying has said - that I'm the one with the problem not him.

I wish he would. If I were him I would get so fed-up with your insecurities that I would just throw my hands up and say you’re right – bye. What do you think you are not good enough for?

And I don’t see where anyone has said it is your fault that he looks at porn. It is not a “fault” at all! Yes – you do have a problem, and the problem is not porn! I don’t expect you to understand that.

 

Please, someone address this: if you could look at pictures of your SO (who isn't unattractive by any means) when you can't have the real thing... why choose someone else? Because you don't love them. You don't want monogomy. You want to act like an animal - and let me say that is perfectly ok. Just don't stay with a woman who would give you everything make her feel like s***.

He is NOT choosing someone else! You are trying to speak for him, and in a way, for all men by telling us that men don’t love their SO’s if they look at porn. Gosh! Really? For over 30 years I thought I loved my spouse, I need your real name for the divorce papers please – it’s going to look a little strange when I put down “Reason for Divorce:” “Because Somebody finally explained to me that I don’t love my spouse and that 30 years of monogamy wasn’t really monogamy because I looked at porn”

 

And if you desire other people during this time - GO FOR IT! But then, refuse monogomy. Because you aren't happy with it if your single partner is not enough.

This is so false to the vast majority of people! Don’t apply this to everyone and especially not to me. But keep on looking for the guy that this fits.

 

I have sorry to have come off this way. I don't want validation. I want someone to prove to me that my boyfriend can still love me because it hurts me so badly

 

No one can prove anything to you – especially about someone else! Why would you even ask this?

Keep going to counseling.

[doniker]

I think "somebody" is just looking for sympathy and for people to tell her she is right.

 

"somebody", your reading too much into this whole thing.

 

Your man pleasuring himself to porn has nothing to do with your relationship with him.

 

Men love to beat it, lord knows I do. Me jacking off has nothing to do with the relationship with my wife.

 

If we had sex 10 times everyday I would still try to find time to jack off.

[LoveDeluxe]

I'm trying to figure out the best solution in dealing with these women/porn posts. They just don't seem to go away, any suggestions?

[dyermaker]

It had been dead for a while, a good way to live and let die, is to not bump it up to the top again.