I caught my boyfriend looking at porn on his computer. No explanation will suffice.

[crysiet]

Im sorry you feel this way, but its not that big a deal. Almost all men look at porn wheither they admit it or not. I mean like over ninty percent. Why do you feel you are not good enough to fufill his desires just because he was wacking off to some girl on the internet? You were just living in denial before this, or were completely nieve. I find it hard to believe you dont look at other men at all. Humans are very sexual creatures. None of his porn looking has anything to do with you at all. He could be going out with that woman and he would still look at porn. You are lucky to have him. Most women arent as lucky. If he is good to you and listens to your needs, then why would you give it up because of something as superficial as porn.

[dyermaker]

Crysiet, unfortunately the Socratic method doesn't really help these women--delusions are quick-witted.

[DerangedAngel]

I find it hard to believe you dont look at other men at all.

 

I guess I'm a weird one too. I am totally not interested in any other guy. My SO is so wonderful, why look at something less? I just don't notice anything male anymore. Once I have what I want, I stop looking. Anyways... I must have missed this thread while I wasn't posting for a while.

 

I confess this bothered me...

 

*I shouldn't settle for him, and I need to deal with this somehow. I am completely faithful to him, I desire no other man. I am not a prude in the bedroom. I take care of his daughter. I clean his house. I pay more than half of the bills. I'm not a BAD girlfriend to him. I deserve love... at least, if I fight the fact that now I feel completely worthless, I used to deserve love.

 

Maybe I am reading too much into it.

 

Regardless of the above, I think there is definitely an underlying problem from the way she expresses this. Perhaps she was cheated on in the past? Or perhaps her father was unfaithful to her mother? I don't know, but she was hurt by something it seems.

 

From the problems on LS, I think porn is something that should be discussed in a serious relationship. The differing views can cause lots of problems.

 

If you're still around somebody, I wish you the best.

 

-Deranged

[Fritz]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

I guess I'm a weird one too. I am totally not interested in any other guy. My SO is so wonderful, why look at something less? I just don't notice anything male anymore. Once I have what I want, I stop looking. Anyways... I must have missed this thread while I wasn't posting for a while.

 

 

-Deranged

 

 

Weirdo

 

I dunno, maybe because I'm a man, I have a hard time believing that people don't think about others occasionally besides their SOs. It just seems to be human nature.

[Kat]

The origina post made me very sad. I can relate to that story on more levels than one (and apply it to more situations than once)

 

It is nice to know my feelings are not alone

[Kat]

Originally posted by Fritz

Weirdo

 

I dunno, maybe because I'm a man, I have a hard time believing that people don't think about others occasionally besides their SOs. It just seems to be human nature.

The only times I have thought about being with someone else, be it in my day dreams or dreams while asleep, have done nothing but make me feel uneasy and guilty Thinking about anothter man other than my SO is in no way a turn on for me and I don't see how it can be for men unless thay are not serious about their SO's

[faux]

Hmm....

 

A guy will look at porn and masturbate, and the woman will feel jealous, angry, hurt and incapable of pleasing her partner.

 

A woman will get a vibrator, and the man will feel jealous, angry, hurt and incapable of pleasing his partner.

 

In either situation, the one doing the masturbating thinks it's perfectly fine. It is. Just wanted to point out that sometimes men will have this reaction to a vibrator or other sex toy. I have.

 

Can anyone win?

[soserious1]

Originally posted by faux

Hmm....

 

A guy will look at porn and masturbate, and the woman will feel jealous, angry, hurt and incapable of pleasing her partner.

 

A woman will get a vibrator, and the man will feel jealous, angry, hurt and incapable of pleasing his partner.

 

In either situation, the one doing the masturbating thinks it's perfectly fine. It is. Just wanted to point out that sometimes men will have this reaction to a vibrator or other sex toy. I have.

 

Can anyone win?

 

I think the solution is to let men know that it's ok for them to persue other women for sex.Frankly I don't really want a man who has to stand there and say things like"well at least I'm not cheating on you" as if it were some huge

sacrifice to remain faithful to me.

 

What difference does it make if a guy actually goes out and pleasures himself with other women,versus collecting pics of them,ogling them in the streets and thinking about them in order to be able to get off while screwing you?

 

I'd rather have a man who openly and honestly pursues women who excite him sexually rather than one who collects tons of porn,eye balls every woman on the street and then makes me feel like he's doing me some sort of favor or making some super human sacrifice by confining his actual physical sex life to only me.

 

Come to me ionly when you truly desire me,when you desire others please go to them.

[LoveDeluxe]

"I'd rather have a man who openly and honestly pursues women who excite him sexually rather than one who collects tons of porn,eye balls every woman on the street and then makes me feel like he's doing me some sort of favor or making some super human sacrifice by confining his actual physical sex life to only me."

 

 

Are you serously saying that you would rather your SO cheat on you with another woman than look at porn?? If you honestly believe this, then you better be prepared to let all the men you meet cheat on you with real women. I'm sorry, but I find this ludicruous. My boyfriend looks at porn from time to time (i emphasize time to time, which means he isn't addicted to it to the point of excluding me from his sex life, which would be a problem, and every pro-porn post here has never denied that fact that excessive porn consumption is not healthy ), and I know I would not rather him go out and cheat on me with other women!!!!

 

 

Again, I will quote Dan Savage:

 

Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask her man to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people--to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man. But the true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If a woman can't see that, well, then she has no understanding of men's sexuality and, consequently, no business being in a relationship with a man.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by LoveDeluxe

"I'd rather have a man who openly and honestly pursues women who excite him sexually rather than one who collects tons of porn,eye balls every woman on the street and then makes me feel like he's doing me some sort of favor or making some super human sacrifice by confining his actual physical sex life to only me."

 

 

Are you serously saying that you would rather your SO cheat on you with another woman than look at porn?? If you honestly believe this, then you better be prepared to let all the men you meet cheat on you with real women. I'm sorry, but I find this ludicruous. My boyfriend looks at porn from time to time (i emphasize time to time, which means he isn't addicted to it to the point of excluding me from his sex life, which would be a problem, and every pro-porn post here has never denied that fact that excessive porn consumption is not healthy ), and I know I would not rather him go out and cheat on me with other women!!!!

 

 

Again, I will quote Dan Savage:

 

Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask her man to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people--to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man. But the true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If a woman can't see that, well, then she has no understanding of men's sexuality and, consequently, no business being in a relationship with a man.

 

If I agree that a man will retain the right to have sex with others then it's not "cheating" is it? I would prefer a lifestyle in which a man follows his hard wiring ,why should one have to make such huge sacrifices? aren't relationships difficult enough?

 

Come to me when you desire me,when you desire others go to them,eat where you get your appetite:)

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

If I agree that a man will retain the right to have sex with others then it's not "cheating" is it?

 

Actually, that's kinda the definition of cheating... having sex with others.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Actually, that's kinda the definition of cheating... having sex with others.

 

Not when the issue has been discussed and sexual exclusivity has been firmly ruled out as an option.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

Not when the issue has been discussed and sexual exclusivity has been firmly ruled out as an option.

 

I disagree, I think that if you consider your discussion as settling that "issue", then it's a sign of some other "issues" in both the past and the future. In theory, two healthy adults can maintain an intimate relationship while having purely physical relations with other people. I just don't think it would work for too long in practice, and I doubt that you came to this conclusion with healthy intentions--more like a fear of abandonment, loss, or a deliberate sabotaging of an otherwise healthy relationship.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I disagree, I think that if you consider your discussion as settling that "issue", then it's a sign of some other "issues" in both the past and the future. In theory, two healthy adults can maintain an intimate relationship while having purely physical relations with other people. I just don't think it would work for too long in practice, and I doubt that you came to this conclusion with healthy intentions--more like a fear of abandonment, loss, or a deliberate sabotaging of an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

Why is it that women can't seem to win here? You lambast women who dislike their partner's use of porn and also lambast women who don't desire sexual exclusivity from their partners.Why is that?

 

Btw,my partner does things that irritate me far more than merely exercising his sexuality elsewhere:)

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

Why is it that women can't seem to win here? You lambast women who dislike their partner's use of porn and also lambast women who don't desire sexual exclusivity from their partners.Why is that?

 

Btw,my partner does things that irritate me far more than merely exercising his sexuality elsewhere:)

 

I don't lambast anyone. I'm also capable of disagreeing with both genders.

 

I've never censured anyone for their opinion. I've been on both sides of the porn debate, both sympathetic and not so--I've also helped women, by their own admission, who had far greater problems than porn. Another person, whom I believe you're reffering to with the afforementioned 'lambasting', also didn't merely 'dislike' porn use. She actually BLAMED porn for marital problems, and equated porn use with a lack of love.

 

Your opinion is a summation of your argument, "Why can't women win?"--you ask. You think that the opposite of being upset with porn is letting your partner sleep around on you. This is not a desire, as you claim, rather a concession. It's unhealthy, not just in general (you oversimplify things, disagreeing with one woman is not disagreeing with women in general) but in YOUR case. Because it's not an innocent CHOICE to live a polygamous lifestyle, but rather a concession to deal with your feelings toward the male general, a concession, not a choice. You're conceding, not choosing. It's a concession, not a choice. You didn't innocently decide to feel this way toward males, you made this choice because you are resigning towards male behavior, letting the 'nature' of another to dictate your response.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I don't lambast anyone. I'm also capable of disagreeing with both genders.

 

I've never censured anyone for their opinion. I've been on both sides of the porn debate, both sympathetic and not so--I've also helped women, by their own admission, who had far greater problems than porn. Another person, whom I believe you're reffering to with the afforementioned 'lambasting', also didn't merely 'dislike' porn use. She actually BLAMED porn for marital problems, and equated porn use with a lack of love.

 

Your opinion is a summation of your argument, "Why can't women win?"--you ask. You think that the opposite of being upset with porn is letting your partner sleep around on you. This is not a desire, as you claim, rather a concession. It's unhealthy, not just in general (you oversimplify things, disagreeing with one woman is not disagreeing with women in general) but in YOUR case. Because it's not an innocent CHOICE to live a polygamous lifestyle, but rather a concession to deal with your feelings toward the male general, a concession, not a choice. You're conceding, not choosing. It's a concession, not a choice. You didn't innocently decide to feel this way toward males, you made this choice because you are resigning towards male behavior, letting the 'nature' of another to dictate your response.

 

You don't know me well enough to make those kinds of assumptions.I prefer my life fairly simple and played honestly.and the honest truth is that men are attracted to and want to have sex with many different women.The "sacrifice" of fighting biological hard wiring exacts too great a price not just on men but on women as well.

 

Go where your appetites lead you,come to me when it's me you want.It's actually pretty simple and works for us.

[dyermaker]

The "sacrifice" of fighting biological hard wiring exacts too great a price not just on men but on women as well.

 

That's really all anyone needs to read for your issues to be evident to anyone but you.

 

Go where your appetites lead you,come to me when it's me you want.It's actually pretty simple and works for us.

 

Unhealthy relationships 'work' all of the time.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

That's really all anyone needs to read for your issues to be evident to anyone but you.

 

 

 

Unhealthy relationships 'work' all of the time.

 

My issues? lol,the biggest issue I have at present is deciding what to wear to work in the morning.

 

Why would you judge me as being in an "unhealthy" relationship? We have simply decided to do away with the bull**** and the games.I don't have agonizing worries wondering if he's cheating on me and other such soul draining stuff as represented by many threads on this board.The gain here is that people's TRUE needs are getting met,without white lies,sneaking,hiding etc.

He IS physically attracted to other women,he has the freedom to act on those attractions and I have the security of knowing that when he comes to me it is because he truly desires and wants to be with me.

 

Physical fidelity in reality is not a measure of how devoted somebody is to you.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

Why would you judge me as being in an "unhealthy" relationship? We have simply decided to do away with the bull**** and the games

 

No, you've just sacrificed one game in lieu of another.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

No, you've just sacrificed one game in lieu of another.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about here.Would it make you feel better to know that I remain physically faithful per agreement with my partner? Only he retains the option of stepping out and I was the one who desired it this way and proposed the agreement to him?

[dyermaker]

I'll try to elaborate, by using an analogy.

 

Jimmy and John each have a mother, ms. jimmy and ms. john.

 

Jimmy and John are both typical adolescents, who are bound to possibly get in trouble in their youth. They are "hard wired" for rebellion, and could one day take drugs (Just as a man could cheat).

 

Ms. John is a good mother, and doesn't encourage such behavior. Rather she is open to communication, and gives the child a reason to value the parent-child relationship.

 

Ms. Jimmy is a "cool" mom. Not only is she pretty apathetic towards drugs, but wouldn't mind giving Jimmy a hit off her bong.

 

Jimmy, who may or may not have taken drugs with his friends, now will undoubtedly take drugs. Ms. Jimmy has eliminated the problem of her son being exposed to drugs and lying to her about it, by giving it to him herself. This makes Ms. Jimmy feel good.

 

John may also take drugs, or he may value himself and his relationship with his mother enough to say no.

 

I'm sure you can find holes in the analogy, but if you were the least bit receptive, you've seen the paralel.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

Would it make you feel better to know that I remain physically faithful per agreement with my partner? Only he retains the option of stepping out and I was the one who desired it this way and proposed the agreement to him?

 

Of course you proposed it--it's you with the trust/abandonment/risk issues, not him.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Of course you proposed it--it's you with the trust/abandonment/risk issues, not him.

 

You are a really insulting piece of work.

 

That said let me explain further.I don't consider sex to be a particularly big deal in terms of what it represents in a long term relationship.Over time intimacy takes on a different meaning.I value other things more,namely emotional loyalty

I'm sorry but I think there are much better ways of demonstrating loyalty than whether or not a man confines use of his penis to just me.My partner is very supportive of me,has been there thru the worst as well as the best and is in fact my dearest friend.

 

Think of it this way,you love chocolate ice cream very,very much but does this mean that you should never,ever be allowed to enjoy some orange sherbet?

It would make no sense and be completely irrational for a partner to demand that of you right? Sex is in many ways much like eating and I think Amercians place way too much time and attention obessing over both functions.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by soserious1

I value other things more,namely emotional loyalty

 

You think that by allowing your husband to sleep around, you are going to make him more loyal to you, almost GRATEFUL that you are so accommadating to his 'needs as a man.' This is not going to happen, no matter HOW content you are with the arrangement, because it's a concession--you are CONCEDING to biology, rather than WORKING at intimacy.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by dyermaker

You think that by allowing your husband to sleep around, you are going to make him more loyal to you, almost GRATEFUL that you are so accommadating to his 'needs as a man.' This is not going to happen, no matter HOW content you are with the arrangement, because it's a concession--you are CONCEDING to biology, rather than WORKING at intimacy.

 

I do not own my partner,it is not mine to allow or disallow him to do anything.

If you seriously feel that where one chooses to dip their wick is some sort of litmus test of intimacy and connection in a long term relationship I'd say you have some issues yourself.

 

 

For the record I don't expect gratitude, on the plus side of the balance sheet

I also don't have to give gratitude.I think way too much weight is assigned to the physical act of sex.Back to the ice cream,just because I have orange sherbet instead of chocolate ice cream doesn't mean that I no longer love chocolate and will never have any again.My partner choosing an evening with a different flavor of woman doesn't mean he doesn't still enjoy me or will never enjoy me again.Measuring a person's devotion to you based on their ability to refrain from exerising a basic,pleasurable biological urge seems,well stupid

 

Btw,I am happy to discuss this issue with you but please refrain my your self appointed role of psychiatrist.You don't know me,have barely begun dialogue with me and I haven't asked you to play Dr Phil.