How to deal with the other guy...

[HowCouldShe]

I was just wanting some tips and advice here. If you've read my other thread you know that myself and my ex-fiance broke up 3 months ago (10 days after the birth of our son), well she told me 3 weeks ago that she had a new boyfriend (ironically the same guy that was persueing her while she was pregnant last summer).... anyways...

 

I'm in a temporary visitation agreement right now where I get my son every weekend. For the past 2 Sundays he has been there when i've dropped my son off. He also goes w/ her to pickup my son at my parents (who do our daycare)...

 

I just want some tips or advice here on how to handle this guy. I hate his f'n guts for the **** he pulled last summer but I know its totally her fault for allowing this guy in my baby's life.

 

I want to make it crystal clear to this guy that if he's driving my baby around (she's in the car, but still...) that he better be SAFE because my son is my life. And if anything were to happen to him while he was driving I would come after him. On the other side, I dont want to get in a situation where she is saying i'm causing threats and attempts to take my visitation away. Feels like i'm in between a rock and a hard place.

 

Does anyone have any experience when dealing with the other guy. So far no words have been said between us and he doesn't even look at me when i'm in the room. I feel like I want to explode though everytime he is near.... please help.

[carhill]

If you have reason to believe and can produce proof the fOM is creating and/or fostering an unsafe environment for your son, you can pursue that legally.

 

If not, you must presume that, like yourself, he acts to preserve the safety of those who are entrusting him with their lives and care.

 

It's OK to hate his guts. Good on ya for that. Just be careful of what you say or do. As tenuous as rights can be for a married/divorced father, they are even more tenuous for an unmarried father. If you find this dynamic to be overwhelming, seek out some professional help with it. Otherwise, vent here or to supportive friends. Hug your son

[tnttim]

As crazy as it sounds you have to trust that your son is well taken of until you have concrete evidence he is not. If you make idle threats and accusations then you will be the only one to suffer.

 

Try to be her friend, she is the mother of your child first and foremost. That's something you can never take away from her. You have at least 18 years of dealing with this chick, and it's up to you if they are going to be hard or easy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, I'd focus on your ex rather than him. She is the one who is bipolar and refuses to take/stay on her meds. He might be more stable than she is.

[tojaz]

Quite the situation you find yourself in HCS. I feel for you bud. Iknow you hate this guy, and I bet you'd like to give him a bit more then words. Best advice don't..... with a but and we'll get to that.

 

First, is there any real threat to your son? Does he drive/live/ act wrecklessly that you should be concerned or is that just an excuse to give him a piece of your mind? HONEST!!!

 

If so, then take it up with your wife about the safety concerns, it is her responsibility and she needs to know (and you have a right to tell her)

 

Now the but.....while we all would like nothing more then to take OM and grind him into a fine powder. Hopefully we maintain our self control. ( I came close though, wound up putting a hole in my car though) but..... if you feel the need, there is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion in a mature and adult way. That means calm, not confrontational or argumentative. Say your piece and walk without insults or raising your voice. It is a little Passive Agressive I'll be honest. but if you feel the need, thats the best way to do it and you'll feel better having taken the high road.

 

Theres a poster here that found himself in the same predicament as you do here. His name is Mr. MayI and a look at his threads should prove helpful. Give a look. and keep posting were listening.

 

TOJAZ

[cherubim]

I dont understand why the courts in this United States always side with women/mothers. She is a mother and seeing someone else and your the one to leave the house.

Is this a deliberate attempt at breaking homes by the useless justice system in this country? Its like its a crime to be a male. I dont get it. If someone cheats, male or female , they should leave the home. not the innocent party. And then they can get visitation rights. This is ridiculous and people have to demand a change in this madness. Im serious. I feel sorry for you man.

That man should not be driving your son around. As who? Change that situation legally.

[jmargel]

Get a lawyer, you deserve more visitation than that. Your son needs to be around you more. I hate to bring this up, but are you sure this baby is yours? Could it be this OM or someone else's? Remember you didn't know what was going on until she finally told you. Don't assume other things haven't gone on.

 

No matter what you say to this guy him and her are going to do what they want, talking to him is just going to get them aggitated and they will just bring in drama. That's something you don't want for you and your son.

 

Get a lawyer, I can't stress this enough. Go for as much custody as possible. Yes your son needs his mother, but getting a lawyer involved will be the only way you will show her and him that you mean business.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Get a DNA test to verify this kid is yours. I mean she just had the kid and she's dealing with someone else??? WTF? just cover your ass in case it doesnt go more sideways i hope you was compensated when you left the house. You know like half the equity, wouldnt they have tried to buy you out if your name was on the deed or morgage.

[stillafool]

I dont understand why the courts in this United States always side with women/mothers. She is a mother and seeing someone else and your the one to leave the house.

Is this a deliberate attempt at breaking homes by the useless justice system in this country? Its like its a crime to be a male. I dont get it. If someone cheats, male or female , they should leave the home. not the innocent party. And then they can get visitation rights. This is ridiculous and people have to demand a change in this madness. Im serious. I feel sorry for you man.

That man should not be driving your son around. As who? Change that situation legally.

 

 

I don't understand this either. If she is the one who cheated she should be kicked out and made to fight for visitation rights.

 

OP sooner or later you will meet a woman who will become part of your child's life. Keep your cool with this guy because when you meet your girl your ex will surely feel what you are going through now. She will feel worst than you do because women naturally get involved with children when they are around them.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yep you think your apprehensive now, wait til she starts hearing about your new chick?! lol. is she pretty, she she smart, whats she like. Trust me you'll notice a change in your exes' demeanor. Maybe she wont care but by then you'll have moved on.

 

And realized that marrying her was the right choice. I think deep down inside you will realize that was a great choice. Some women are not just marriage material. So soon after she has your kid and you was just engaged she's dealing with someone else? WTF, see? doesnt make sense unless she was already seeing him or she's like one of those women that cant be alone.

[HowCouldShe]

Thanks for the posts and feedback.

 

Yea, she's definitely the type that can't be alone. She even admitted to me that's why she's seeing him. Basically pass time and not get lonely. I wish she would be concentrating more on our son though. He's the #1 priority. Ofcourse, i've been dealing with this through reading, therapy, exercise, etc. My therapist thinks she has borderline personality disorder. (GREAT! )

 

I did the mail-in DNA test based on the advice i received from this board and he's 99.98% my child. So i'm happy that's out of the way.

 

The thing that sucks is that i'm still not over her. We have this agreement in place where I told her I dont want to see him (her new guy) and we had to go to the bank to get something notarized and who does she bring along? yea... dumbo. I don't even know what she's see in this guy. He's out of shape, ugly, and way beneath her standards. I dont know if her self esteem is low or what but I just dont get it..... anyways... while we were in the bank I asked her "why did you bring him...i thought we had an agreement and you know how I feel about him"...she replies "i can't help it... we go to work together...why are you hurt anyway?".... I replied "because it hurts seeing you with another man this early after our engagement and child was born"... she goes... "well if you would move on it wouldn't hurt anymore"... I didn't even reply.

 

After our biz was done at the bank I left without saying a word... that piece of **** guy she's with didn't even look at me either. Coward. Anyway, about 30 minutes later she text me "just thought you had moved on"... no reply by me.... half hour later "can you watch our son on (date) i'm going out of town"... reply by me.... "yes."..... another 20 minutes goes by and I get another text... "can I him on Sunday for Mother's day?"... at this point I was getting annoyed with all the questions after what just happened so I replied "look I really dont feel like talking to you about anything right now so lets continue this conversation at another time...".....she replies about 30 minutes later..... "I love you."..... WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Later on that day I reply, "Oh really? You love me (EX)? Quit ****ing around with this other guy, tell HIM you love me and you want to start working on rebuilding your family. That's love. Are you able to do that?"

 

no reply.... for about 2 hours....."we'll talk in counseling in a couple weeks if its still scheduled"... (we had set up counseling together to learn how to communicate better for our son. But the focus is on HIM. Not us. She knows this)... I replied, "you know what counseling is for and it isn't for us... I want you to start showing me your love because actions speak louder than words..."....her reply.... "forget it."

 

At this point I knew her games so I kindly replied "I'm not into childish games and what you have done has hurt me deeply. Now please leave me alone. We will talk at a later date."

 

Her reply... "glad you think i'm playing games"...

 

Few hours later she texts (when I didn't reply) starting another fight. It's like this constantly....always fighting... always back and forth. And then she'll be nice and then back off again.... dangles a carrot in front of me and then takes it away... this wouldn't be so damn hard to walk away if our child wasn't involved but i'm forced to deal with her for the next 18 years. Ugh....

Edited April 20, 2010 by HowCouldShe

[carhill]

Get a cat and be single. Read the last couple sentences of your post for really healthy reasons why. Hug your son. He'll like a cat. With a cat, there is no ambiguity about their fangs or claws. It's obvious. With women, meh...

[HowCouldShe]

Get a cat and be single. Read the last couple sentences of your post for really healthy reasons why. Hug your son. He'll like a cat. With a cat, there is no ambiguity about their fangs or claws. It's obvious. With women, meh...

 

It's not that easy if i'm not over her. I wish I was though....

[carhill]

It's never easy when you care. Never. All one can do is figure out a healthy way to cope.

[JustToBeMe]

It's okay to admit that you aren't over her. You have basically admitted that she is toxic to your existence, you really need to just decide what it is about her that you really still love. It sounds to me like you just want you and her to have one happy family, but at what cost? You are miserable all the time and she goes back and forth about her feelings for you. When you talk to her, you are miserable. When you don't talk to her, you feel miserable but are able to cope. If I was you, I would just try to cut her off completely. This other guy isn't the problem, she is. Its easy to hate him, but that's because you aren't strong enough right now to hate her. Keep going to work, being a good dad, and staying positive. Keep her out of your personal life and DO NOT RESPOND to her text messages or phone calls if they get personal. If she wanted to work it out with you, she would have kicked the other guy to the curb already.

 

Face it. She is a game player and you suck at playing games. It seems as if you are a great guy and great guys DONT PLAY GAMES!!! Don't be manipulated. You know what you need to do to be happy, so do it. It seems impossible to find someone else to be with, but you don't have to do that right away. That is where I am in my "Divorced Status". I am 25 and about to be legally divorced. I was in the same position you were in (minus a baby) and being manipulated by a power hungry husband. I talked with him often with the hopes that we would work it out, but he was a game player and I am not. Like your ex, mine moved on quickly and there were pictures of him on facebook living it up at bars etc. You can't let yourself be manipulated into unhappiness. You need to cut that person out of your life on a personal level and try to be happy alone for awhile.

 

You have all of us here on the forum to vent to, talk to, and relate with. You don't need her! You need to be happy with yourself and we will help you do that here.

 

STAY STRONG, you can do this, your happiness and your sanity depend on it.

 

Respectfully,

 

JustToBeMe

[tojaz]

It's not that easy if i'm not over her. I wish I was though....

 

HCS your probably never going to "get over her" you married her, that a significant part of you and your life. You dont just forget, so much as find ways to cope and survive. The cat isn't a bad idea really someone to keep you company etc. (mines named nikita ) Its a small step, but anything thats taking a step forward for you, is a step in the right direction.

 

TOJAZ

[GG2W]

A friend of mine, who also likes to dally with the married ladies, suddenly found his profile had been put on a same sex dating BB, with his photo. The rumor spread very fast. Lots of questions about HIV, it almost ruined him

[Gunny376]

We teach people how to treat us. In our daily, business, and personal lives. You need not be rude, crude, ugly, confrontational about it? Just let them know what your limits and boundaries are.

 

The guys at work know that when they ring the bell to be at the door, with the sample in their hands, ready to open the door, (I unlock the door, I don't hold the door open for them.) But I also treat them respect, refer to them as "Sir' ask how they're doing, how they're day's going? On really hot summer days I'll get them a cold drink of water, some paper towels, even put the fan on them. 'They know that in so whatever 'rules" they're breaking outside my lab door and within my eyesight? That I'm not going to say anything. So that's are 'rules of engagement.

 

You just need to set down your own rules of engagement.

 

1. Don't tell me you love me in so long as your with him.

 

2. If and whenever we have to deal with something face to face? He' not to be within my eyesight.

 

3. I cannot earn your respect, but I don't have to stand for your disrespect either.

[2yearsNC]

thats not your baby

you are not the father

[HowCouldShe]

God, I took a backslide yesterday. I acted like a complete ass after being nice for nearly 2 weeks. But I can only take so much. She wants me to move on but yet she texts me nearly everyday 10-20 times sometimes about our child...other times just random ****. She's messing w/ my mind big time. I ended up telling myself "**** this" yesterday and started sending her intimate text messages. Her boyfriend gets pissed and gets on the phone and I simply laugh at him and tell him he better get used to get because i'm going to be around for the next 18 years. Also told him he needs to wake up because she's just using him to hurt me.... the anger felt good for that night but today has been absolutely miserable. She blocked me on her phone which will probably last till Sunday (when I drop off our son) but I DON'T want to be this *******. Im just not able to successfully move on when she texts me everyday. And then gets angry and threatens to take my son if I dont answer.

 

I feel trapped and I feel like i'm becoming something i'm not. Constant heartache. My therapist said take her blows and contain them but I can't keep doing this it's killing me. Her life is great (as she tells me)... she tells me she has VERY strong feelings for this other guy after a mere month of dating him (although i'm sure she's had him on the string since last summer), and two months after our child was born. I want to explode everytime I see him. I need to try no contact somehow. I feel its my only way out of this situation with a sane mind. She's literally killing me and has all control right now.

[Gunny376]

I checked out your profile and it didn't list and age, so I assume your in your teens to early twenties.

 

First off you need to know that the person that cares the least and that has the least to lose in the relationship? Is the one that controls the relationship.

 

Uh? That would not be you!

 

The first thing you've got to do? Is get control of your emotions, becasue if you don't? They're going to control you!

 

Right now? Your re-acting not pro-acting and that's what you've got to do. Before you ever have a freaking heartbeat of a chance of getting back with her? You've got to get control of yourself!

 

And to be honest? Why would you even want this mind-playing, gaming _______________________ back to begin.

 

I tell you why! Because you've got a kid with her. And she's going to use that against you if you let her.

 

First off you've got something called "Parential Rights" and unless you've got a rap sheet a mile long of being a child molesotor, major drug dealier, gang-banger, international drug dealer? She can't keep you from seeing your child.

 

Just because it comes out of her mouth? Doesn't make it true!

 

In so far as the OM? He's not even going to be around in a year or two! He's going to move on to more furtile ground! No single guy in his twenties is going to saddle himself down with someone that's already got a kid that's not his!

[tnttim]

Do yourself a huge favor and listen to Gunny's advice. That's what I did since day 1 on here and he has never steered me wrong.

 

Some quick pointers from my perspective.....

 

 

1. Do not reply to every single text message, only the important one's pertaining to your son
   
2. Stop caring about what she does, no longer your concern, because that is all she wants from you, to feel in control of your life
   
3. Stop communicating with or about OM, he will surely get his come uppings very soon at the hands of your stbxw.
   
4. Try your hardest to change your thought patterns, meaning when you start to think about something bad, try to occupy your mind with something else. It's hard at first, but you have to keep trying because each time you get a little better at it.
   
5. Go out and have fun with your family or friends, again the more you do it the better it will get. The less likely you will spend the whole night out thinking about your problems.
   
6. Read a fcking book once in a while. knowledge is power, it occupies your time, and changes your thought patterns.
   
7. If you think it's going to be bad, then it will be defintely be bad. Our brains are set up to solve problems, change and adapt. So when you flood the brain with your problems and how bad it is, then you use up all it's power on that. By thinking of the solution to your problems, your brain will naturally come up with solutions. So think of the answer to your problems, not just the problem.
   

[HowCouldShe]

Just a little update for you guys. Last spoke to the ex on Friday and stated I needed some information from her. Mainly, when his next Pediatrician appt is. (I called the pediatrician and was informed it is this Wednesday at 8:30am)... now she has always said she wanted me to be at these, but she has refused to let me know when it is. Now since this guy is in the picture she is saying "I will have to get advice from my lawyer as to whether to have you at (son's name) appt or not".... now i've already spoken to my lawyer and I have every right to be at these as she does. I think she is not telling me because she wants to go to it with this new boyfriend of hers.

 

How should I handle this situation? Basically, no matter what she says i'm going to the appointment but i'm thinking all hell is going to break loose when she sees me there. I will try to be adult about it but there is no way i'm NOT going to my son's 4 month appointment. Also, there is no way in hell that boyfriend of hers is going anywhere but the waiting room. He's got another thing coming if he thinks he's going into the appointment.

 

Any advice or feedback you can give me before this situation erupts?

[ADF]

There is nothing in your post to indicate the "other guy" is doing anything wrong. Most especially, you have given no reasonable explanation of why you think this man could be a danger to your son. Frankly, you sound like a bitter, angry ex who is looking for some reason to vent his rage. Please resist that urge. There are people you care about that will suffer if you give into it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

Any advice or feedback you can give me before this situation erupts?

 

Yes, don't let anything erupt. She is manipulating the situation in such a way where you will lose your sh*t, and she will be able to legally minimize your involvement in your son's life. She is trying to erase you.

 

Don't lose your temper and end up erasing yourself from your kid's life.

 

Just go to the appointment. If the guy is there, just politely pretend that he (and she) isn't. Focus entirely on your son. Keep your calm. Show that you are a good father who is capable of being even tempered, mature, and a rock in your son's life.

 

He'll need one with his unstable, bipolar mother who refuses to take her medications.

 

She will manipulate. Let her. Eventually she is the one who will end up manipulating herself into a corner.