Anonymous33 Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Here's the situation: I'm in a serious relationship and recently made a new friend named Lisa. She's involved in a not-so-serious relationship as well. We get along great and see each other a few times a week. There is definately chemistry between us but I think we're both mature enough to know that things could never work out between us so we never cross the line. I'm convinced if both of us had been single when me met, we'd definately be together right now. The question: Is there something wrong with our friendship because of the chemistry we share or is it okay as long as we don't cross any lines? I've got a lot of willpower and know no matter how close we get, I'll be be able to keep myself from acting inappropriately. Has anyone been involved in a similar situation and how did it turn out? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 I've got a lot of willpower and know no matter how close we get, I'll be be able to keep myself from acting inappropriately. Thousands of affairs have begun because people believed this of themselves. It doesn't work that way. If you like her a lot AND you're attracted, this will take on a life of its own. The only safe thing is to keep away from her. Talk to her only with other people around and never spend time alone together. It stinks, but it's the only way to avoid trouble. Willpower is powerless when attraction takes hold. You have to not prepare the ground for those seeds to get rooted. Act now, while you still are in control. Link to post Share on other sites
xdor Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 >>>>I've got a lot of willpower and know no matter how close we get, I'll be be able to keep myself from acting inappropriately<<<< HA! Doesn't everyone say that? Tell your girlfriend about this. Say... "sweetie pie... I met this really awesome chick and if I weren't dating you right now - I'd be with her. But I'm stuck with you so anyways... we have lots of chemistry... you mind if we hang out together? I have willpower!" Let us know what she says, please! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Ha ha, good one, xdor! Seriously, if you want to keep the lid on your "thing" with Lisa, tell your GF all about it, including your feelings. She'll "help you" keep your feelings and actions "in line". And if you DON'T tell her about Lisa...well, you're setting yourself up for an affair. Quit kidding yourself, we hear this kinda thing all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous33 Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Let me ask you this then. If I were able to maintain the friendship with Lisa for an extended period of time (several years) without incident, would I then prove that it's possible? Would I change anyone's mind on here to the view that as long as you have self-control, situations like that can work out? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Not gonna happen. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 You'd be kidding yourself, not us. Link to post Share on other sites
sweng3764 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I am a female and my best friend is a male (I'll call him Greg). We've been friends for years. When Greg and I first met, we were both single. We went out a couple of times, but instead of developing a sexual relationship, we developed a friendship. Greg's had a couple of girlfriends during the time we've known each other; one lasted six months, the other lasted a year and a half. Each time, he's explained his relationship with me to the girlfriend up front and introduced us to each other immediately. One of his girlfriends was a little jealous of me at first, but the more we all hung out together and the more she got to know me, the more she understood that we were just friends -- nothing more. Greg's single again and I have a boyfriend now who I've been dating for one year. Again, I explained to my boyfriend up front that my best friend was a guy and I introduced the two of them immediately. My boyfriend has never been jealous of Greg, and if he were, we would have a serious problem since Greg's been a genuinely great friend to me. Bottom line: Greg and I have never slept together and we never will. Don't get me wrong, he's extremely good-looking and every other girl falls all over herself around him. But, we've talked about this at length and we mutually decided that if we ever did sleep together and it didn't work out, the friendship we have would be over. I think we both value our friendship above something that may or may not work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Ahhhh....just a little 'chemistry' and a couple of beers.....have turned entire worlds a part. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous33 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Thanks sweng for your supportive story. I'm glad to see not everyone is so one-sided about this topic. Like I said, it just takes maturity and willpower but it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous33 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Besides. I hate beer. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 The thing is there are SO MANY stories out there that begin exactly like yours. They're mostly written in threads here at LS. I do believe if the boundaries are laid in steel rods around you both and you are both aware of the potential danger and in happy relationships with people that you both value more than life, that it is possible, just possible to continue for years and years before it all turns to doo-doo. I can remember a thread here posted by a man that insisted he had a 'purer' kind of love with a female friend. He wasn't going to tell his wife about it (of course) but he was going to maybe just hold and kiss his 'special friend' a little. He asked if anyone understood that it wouldn't go any further. That it wouldn't progress, it was too pure, a love on another plain. I'm not patronizing you, it's just it is very, very difficult to keep this kind of thing within the boundaries you establish in your head. Not impossible though; people do have close opposite sex friendships. Some even with people for whom there is or was a physical attraction, I'm not of the mind that because you can you will. But I would say keep the fire extinquishers handy because we all know what you're playing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 I say ixnay on being friends with chemistry. I think if you have that chemistry at all then maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship you're in in the first place. If you really care about the person you're with I'd think you wouldn't want to take any risks. If you don't want to risk crapping on this relationship then I say don't play with fire. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Anon33, I believe you misread sweng's story. She spoke of making sure that both partners were aware of the friendship and socialized occasionally with the friend. This acts as a protective mechanism on several levels. Arabess mentioned beer...but Chivas Regal, SO out of town, a movie that makes you laugh, a sudden attack of sadness or glee, loneliness, feeling misunderstood, or a rainy day can have the same effect. I'll be willing to give you a "Friendship Hall Pass" if you tell your (current) SO about Lisa and your feelings for her. As long as you're unwilling to do this, we've got your number. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by Anonymous33 Besides. I hate beer. I meant more what Sole said....it's NOT a beer issue....it's that weak moment which happens when you least expect it. I'm not judgemental at all. If you both know the consequences and take a risk down the line....that's cool with me. I can also say....this has the capacity of tearing your life in a million pieces. Been there....done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous33 Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 When I said chemistry, I wasn't talking solely about physical attraction (although I admit there is some) but more inclusively the way we get along with each other or are on the same "wavelength." Don't think that I sit here and fantasize about sleeping with her--that's not what's going on here at all. Instead, what I meant was that we click on such a level that if we weren't involved with anyone else, it would seem natural that we got together. But we're both mature individuals and realize we have commitments. We've never acted inappropriately and I'm convinced we can keep it that way. Wouldn't simply throwing away our friendship be conceeding that we DON'T know better and that we would eventually give in to temptation. By my standards, that means you have no faith in your ability to control yourself and you're limiting your life experiences out of fear. Link to post Share on other sites
sdgdsfg Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 honestly, i think you just like to have that little pie on the side. say you had a bad day with your gf, you can go to your friend who will make it all better. you are not a good boyfriend, sorry. you cant have one or the other! Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 If you get along on such a good wavelength then why don't you both dump your sig others and hook up with eachother? That would at least be more fair to your sig others. Otherwise I say ditch the attraction and take no risks. How would you feel if your sig other had a friend that she was attracted to and she felt like she was on the same "wavelength" with him? Would you want her hanging around him? Link to post Share on other sites
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