sharing custody - what to share?

[blind_otter]

My son is only 2 years old right now, but already sometimes his father will suddenly decide he doesn't want to go to the trouble of seeing our son. I think this is more to punish me than anything else - it only happens when he is angry with me for whatever reason.

 

But my question is - what do I tell my son when he is old enough to understand? I've always been an honesty is the best policy type of parent, but I know that some information is too damaging for children to hear. Hearing that your Dad doesn't want to bother to see you on the weekend is probably one of those damaging things.

 

But I don't want to lie to my son...I could probably pull off a lie of omission, but I can't make up stories to explain why his Dad is not hanging out with him...

[blind_otter]

The thing is he sort of understand already. He asks for his father, and I have to say he's not here, he's busy. He's already pretty proficient at talking on the phone since that is his main contact with his father and I sort of force the issues and call him and say here talk to your son...

 

I just feel bad. Like my son is an accessory or an object that he uses against me. I don't want that; he's a little human being - a person with feelings and rights, too.

[threebyfate]

Can't you just say that you don't know why his father's unavailable and that it's best to ask him directly? Also say that you love him more than life and will always be there for him.

[Art_Critic]

In a previous life my step daughter had a Dad that did much of the same..

 

She was about 4 when he started bailing a lot..

Her Mom never lied but never bad mouthed him and she also would make him tell her why he wasn't coming to pick her up for dinner.

 

Maybe you could push the responsibility back on your Son's Dad when he gets a bit older and let him tell your Son why he is bailing on the phone right then and there..

 

I know in my ex's case because she did that he bailed a lot less because of that...

[sally4sara]

Well, you just don't make yourself privy to the smaller details like why his dad can't come see the boy. You might know they have the day off because you need to know the basics of each others schedule. You might suspect they are just effing off and not prioritizing their visit, but you don't need to know for sure.

When asked: "I'm not sure sweetie, he just said he couldn't make it today. It must be pretty important to miss out on seeing you."

 

Because the kid needs to feel important anyway.

 

I've had to share more with my son than I've wanted, but I sugar coat it real good. Like when his dad had told him he would fly my son to him for xmas, but expected me to pay for it while my ex was scheduled the day before to go into lock down over his latest DUI charge. I had to find that out on my own though.

He wouldn't have even been there to meet my son and you have to give the ID of the receiving person before you buy the ticket. His dad was just hoping they would drop the lock down time but had no way of knowing if they would.

I refused. I had to tell my son why because his dad told him I was keeping it from happening. I told him his father had an obligation to the state for the time of the xmas visit. I said his father tried to getting it rescheduled but that the obligation was so important that he had not been able to get permission for that. I said if something changed, his father would come get him.

[blind_otter]

Luckily, or unluckily, most of the time I know what my ex is doing. Effing off. He was here this morning to watch our son so I could go to the DMV, which is always so crowded it's ridiculously impossible to take a toddler there - but he was still drunk from last night and smelled like beer.

 

My mother came and picked up my son instead and took him shopping with her.

 

Mostly I end up saying something like "I don't know where papi is, he isn't answering his phone."

 

The saddest part is that my son isn't even 2 years old yet and he already understands what that means...

 

The thing that makes me angry is that I know that I will have to put myself out to accomodate what relationship my ex does have with his son.

 

On the up side I'm applying to nursing school now. I guess this was the motivation I needed to finally grow the cuss up.

 

I never wanted to be a nurse. Bodily fluids and all that. then my mother pointed out that I do a lot of nursing work already being a SAHM, lol. My mother is a nurse practitioner with 30+ years of experience, by the way, so she does know what she's talking about.

[quankanne]

something I've admired about my one sister after her divorce was that she never directly lied to her boys about their dad but helped them maintain a good relationship with him while they were small. She figured as they got older, they'd see just what kind of a wishy-washy person he was.

 

I think her line was, "No matter what happens, Daddy and I love you. Even if he can't see you today/this weekend, he loves you, and will figure out a way to see you soon."

 

... then she'd lay into his selfish azz about his decisions that left the boys second!

 

Mostly I end up saying something like "I don't know where papi is, he isn't answering his phone."

 

as much as it hurts seeing your little one's reaction, I'm thinking this is probably the kindest explanation. However, be VERY prepared for the day your boy calls his daddy on his crappy behavior!

[ADF]

Don't do what your ex-husband does. Don't use your son as a tool to get back at your ex. Telling your son his father doesn't want to see him, even if true, is nothing but a way of lashing out at your ex through your son. Sadly, you might not have to tell your son much of anything. He'll notice his father's absence and draw his own conclusions.