What shall i do to make my husband come back home?

[yapip]

Hello everyone,

 

My husband and i have been married for 7 years now and I would say that we just like other couples we had our ups and downs, but overall i would say that we have a happy married life.

Just last year, when my husband started to be obsessed with his hobbies such as going to the gym non stop, and then recently joined in brazilian jujitsu, which was supposed to be for fun, but then suddenly he was obsessed with it again. We started fighting when all he does was work, after work was the gym or jujitsu. He has no time for me and for our two kids. Whenever he is home he watch UFC fight, and now he want to pay an hourly trainer to teach give him private lesson. So that is why i was so angry with him and said some hurtful words to him. We been fighting for almost a year now just because of this hobbies and finally i told him that if he does not want to be around us, then he better move out. And so he moved out, and i am so devastated. It has been two weeks since he moved out, and he told me he does not love me anymore. Although he does not want to hate me because we have kids together. I feel like all he wants to do is act like a single man again. His focus is on jujitsu right now and how to make himself look wonderful. He picks up the kids twice a week only for an hour to take them to their karate class and that's it. I feel like he uses our fight to justify his actions. What should i do now? Do i have to wait for him to wake up and realize that he has a family that he is supposed to be focusing on? Or should i give up? I love my husband too much, but i feel like he would trade me for a hobby. It is very painful. I need advice.

[tojaz]

Common story Yapip. Welcome to LS and sorry you have to go through this. First may I ask your ages.

 

It sounds as if your H is being very selfish right now. Has he voiced any reasons why he would like to leave other then freeing him up for his hobbies? Its cliche but theres many opinions about the 7 year mark. Are there any other issues between you?

 

TOJAZ

[feelingfine]

One thing I have learned over the past several months is you can't "make" anyone do what they don't want to do. I am sorry he is doing this...selfish to me.

 

My experience unfortunately is that once they get a taste of this single life again they run with it!

 

Try doing things you want and like to do...and not focus your energy on him...he sure isn't

[You Go Girl]

Narcissus or Narkissos in Greek mythology was a hero who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.

[yapip]

Tojaz, i am 30 and my husband is 36. We are going to counseling, but he told me to not put my hopes on the counseling thing because he is not sure it this will work. I even compromise with his hobbies telling him that i will support his hobby, and change the attitudes that he don't about me just for this marriage to work. I don't know what else to do. THe counselor told us that we should spend sometime together and create a new positive memories. I am hanging on to him while he keeps himself distance to me. Should i stop calling him? If i do, i am scared that might forget about me forever...Is it desperate and needy that I am hanging willing to do everything just to have him back? Please give me advice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It has been two weeks since he moved out, and he told me he does not love me anymore.

 

There is something missing in the story - there has to be. People generally don't just become gym rats and ditch their families in the process. Are you certain that when he would go out that he was spending 100% of his time at the gym and in class? I would bet a large amount of money that there is someone else involved and some of that 'gym' time is actually time he is spending with someone else. He is acting like a textbook wayward spouse at this point.

Edited April 13, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[Chrome Barracuda]

Mid life crisis maybe, all this working out and physical activities are pointing to something. I think you should seek what is going on. If you love him, give him time, let him know.

[xpaperxcutx]

Tojaz, i am 30 and my husband is 36. We are going to counseling, but he told me to not put my hopes on the counseling thing because he is not sure it this will work. I even compromise with his hobbies telling him that i will support his hobby, and change the attitudes that he don't about me just for this marriage to work. I don't know what else to do. THe counselor told us that we should spend sometime together and create a new positive memories. I am hanging on to him while he keeps himself distance to me. Should i stop calling him? If i do, i am scared that might forget about me forever...Is it desperate and needy that I am hanging willing to do everything just to have him back? Please give me advice.

 

His unwillingness to try to make amends sounds like he's already settled into heading into a divorce.

 

There is something missing in the story - there has to be. People generally don't just become gym rats and ditch their families in the process. Are you certain that when he would go out that he was spending 100% of his time at the gym and in class? I would bet a large amount of money that there is someone else involved and some of that 'gym' time is actually time he is spending with someone else. He is acting like a textbook wayward spouse at this point.

 

It does sound fishy.

 

OP, you said he was obsessed with looking good.Why? Normally men don't just up and say they want to join a gym unless of health reasons or something else convinced them to be more physically attractive.

[skywriter]

Should i stop calling him? If i do, i am scared that might forget about me forever...Is it desperate and needy that I am hanging willing to do everything just to have him back? Please give me advice.

 

 

 

He's not going to forget you, and besides, nothing else seems to be working for you.

 

I think him agreeing to counseling, is a plus.

 

I think you have to listen to your own advice and back off, give him space. Limit your contact to counseling, children and finances. If he wants to make contact and you feel it's beneficial, go for it. Talk less and listen more. Try to keep a cool head.

 

In the meantime, someone else recommended doing things for yourself. I think that's an excellent suggestion. It'll help you to worry less and him see you as the strong independent person you are capable of being. (aha, makes you more attractive)

 

But, most of all, if the things you try to do, don't seem to be working in your favor, please, realise, you can only do so much and you cannot change other people. Sometimes, we just have to accept , what is. Hugs and best wishes.

[goatee]

he loves something you don't love. If you want him back tell him you want him back and you're willing to support his UFC/gym hobby but you also want him to make time for you and the kids. In otherwords.. compromise.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, i am 30 and my husband is 36. We are going to counseling, but he told me to not put my hopes on the counseling thing because he is not sure it this will work. I even compromise with his hobbies telling him that i will support his hobby, and change the attitudes that he don't about me just for this marriage to work. I don't know what else to do. THe counselor told us that we should spend sometime together and create a new positive memories. I am hanging on to him while he keeps himself distance to me. Should i stop calling him? If i do, i am scared that might forget about me forever...Is it desperate and needy that I am hanging willing to do everything just to have him back? Please give me advice.

 

Hi Yapip, it sounds to me very much like a midlife crisis of sorts. I will rehash what others have said "you cannot make anybody do anything" in the end the decision has to e his and his alone to stay, but it is your decision what you can accept and what you can tolerate in your life.

 

You can do things to improve your odds though, and the best way to do that is to educate yourself on what he is going through and how he is experiencing things. That way you can act accordingly at least to the est of your ability. Reading posts here is a good start. Do a search for some threads from Delajoonal she had a very similar situation develop while her marriage did end, she is happy now and has a very clear picture of what happened.

 

You should also look at this. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

I would recommend the whole site, but for you i would suggest starting with "Standing Actions" That would e a good place to start.

Keep us posted

 

TOJAZ

[byebye]

Did you offer to join him at the gym? You know, show interest in what he does?

Or is it when he comes home you start nagging and compalining!

Have you acted like his "girlfriend" for seven years or turned into the miserable housewife?

Do you go on dates or nights out together?

Is there a change in sex life or does he have to beg for it?

I don't mean to sound harse but there are a lot of questions that need to be asked on why he left?

The knee jerk reaction is there is another woman, but he married YOU for a reason, WHAT CHANGED????

[tojaz]

Did you offer to join him at the gym? You know, show interest in what he does?

Or is it when he comes home you start nagging and compalining!

Have you acted like his "girlfriend" for seven years or turned into the miserable housewife?

Do you go on dates or nights out together?

Is there a change in sex life or does he have to beg for it?

I don't mean to sound harse but there are a lot of questions that need to be asked on why he left?

The knee jerk reaction is there is another woman, but he married YOU for a reason, WHAT CHANGED????

 

Great questions, but unfortunately those left behind don't always get the answers to what changed. Just to be fair. Sometimes blindsided truly is just that.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Did you offer to join him at the gym? You know, show interest in what he does?

Or is it when he comes home you start nagging and compalining!

Have you acted like his "girlfriend" for seven years or turned into the miserable housewife?

Do you go on dates or nights out together?

Is there a change in sex life or does he have to beg for it?

I don't mean to sound harse but there are a lot of questions that need to be asked on why he left?

The knee jerk reaction is there is another woman, but he married YOU for a reason, WHAT CHANGED????

 

To go along with others thoughts are here, what if the one who is having the mid-life crisis is the person doing the nagging and complaining....let's think about it for a minute. You join the gym....go walking (oh, and he doesn't join you because, after all, you are the one that needs work)...who is the truly miserable one here...the husband going through the mid-life crisis or the wife having to live with it?

 

What if the mid-life crisis man is the one who is miserable, what if the two of them had a good sex life (maybe the only thing holding them together and the only time they actually get along)....what then?

 

These are typical male questions....sorry guys...but it's like those questions are pointing a finger at the wife when she can't be responsible for a man's mid-life crisis...it's HIS to own and HIS to answer for when he realizes what he tossed away. I understand that you are not trying to validate the man here for an "abnormality" just as you wouldn't validate a woman for an "EA fog" (another crisis altogether)

 

Read up on mid-life crisis....some men can go thru it for 5 to 10 years....had one counselor tell me it happens every decade. :rolleyes: If that's the case, buy a dog if you want loyalty, buy a cat if you want independence..Reminds me of alcoholism....all you can do is wait. Life's too short for that. I read up on here...took advice from here and from friends....acted like I could be happy without him, went out with my friends, lost weight to make him pine away for me...has that really worked for anyone or just your own ego? Heck, I paid $250 to a divorce counselor to learn how to cow-tow to him...all he needed to think is that I was dating....d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

 

Not saying your husband is like this...but the green-eyed monster can backfire on you....be careful what advice you take...get both of you into counseling so you can talk about it and get a point of view that's isn't one-sided....a self-help book or posters on here who have not been through what you are going through are dealing with different problems and may not be the best answer. Read up on Dela's posts as Tojaz pointed out...and seriously consider what advice you take.

 

Sorry if this offends anyone...I don't mean to be offensive....but not even four weeks into last separation....mid-life crisis jerk was bedding down with another woman. Now he is doing all the things for her that he admitted he should have done for me (15 years). Cross the line, not worth the time.

 

Sorry, the guys with the white coat are at the door....gotta go. :o:o:o

[White Flower]

Hello everyone,

 

My husband and i have been married for 7 years now and I would say that we just like other couples we had our ups and downs, but overall i would say that we have a happy married life.

Just last year, when my husband started to be obsessed with his hobbies such as going to the gym non stop, and then recently joined in brazilian jujitsu, which was supposed to be for fun, but then suddenly he was obsessed with it again. We started fighting when all he does was work, after work was the gym or jujitsu. He has no time for me and for our two kids. Whenever he is home he watch UFC fight, and now he want to pay an hourly trainer to teach give him private lesson. So that is why i was so angry with him and said some hurtful words to him. We been fighting for almost a year now just because of this hobbies and finally i told him that if he does not want to be around us, then he better move out. And so he moved out, and i am so devastated. It has been two weeks since he moved out, and he told me he does not love me anymore. Although he does not want to hate me because we have kids together. I feel like all he wants to do is act like a single man again. His focus is on jujitsu right now and how to make himself look wonderful. He picks up the kids twice a week only for an hour to take them to their karate class and that's it. I feel like he uses our fight to justify his actions. What should i do now? Do i have to wait for him to wake up and realize that he has a family that he is supposed to be focusing on? Or should i give up? I love my husband too much, but i feel like he would trade me for a hobby. It is very painful. I need advice.

Yapip,

 

I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson; don't say things that you don't mean. He called your bluff.

 

You didn't really want him to move out, but in your anger and frustration you blurted something out and he took the offer seriously.

 

Have you considered that he is cheating? If he isn't, have you considered that something is bothering him terribly? Or that he is a perfectionist (which has to do with other underlying issues?) My exH was a workaholic during most of our A, making him mostly unavailable to me and our children. After 25 years I just couldn't convince him to be a better H, dad, person and I gave up. You're young though and haven't walked all the avenues I have in search of an answer for your H's problem.

 

Read books, get counseling, and try to talk with him WITHOUT being angry and saying things you don't really mean. It sounds like he doesn't work well with extreme communication. Try being softer toward him.

 

Try reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for starters. It is written by Dr. John Gray.

Good luck.

[julkat]

It take two to make a marriage work.

 

His leaving shows he lacks the same commitment as you do to making this work. Spending all of his spare time out of the house when there is a family inside the house is selfish. So perhaps he is a somewhat selfish, apathetic man.

 

If you want him so terribly, you can place yourself in front of the door and let him wipe his feet on the way by.

 

Ultimatums are often our intuitions telling us what we should be doing when our brains are scrambling with figuring out the right thing to do.

 

Take good care of you, as no one else can do this and your children deserve this. If he wants to maintain a romantic relationship with you, he will. And you will let him only if it suits you. I truly hope he takes appropriate and good care of his children as they deserve this.

 

I thinks it's always good to know and acknowledge our own parts in the decline of a marriage. Unless someone is truly a pig, it generally does take two to make it work and to tear it down.

 

Good luck!