Anger & Talk of Infidelity

[RyanAdams]

Hello, This is my first post, I found this place by accident, but I noticed the responses were real adult like, so I appreciate that.

 

Here is the situation, my wife and I have been married 4 years. It has been a troubling 4 years to say the least. Her and I are from different countries so there is a major cultural difference. In the past I have been physically violent, and severely depressed. I am fully aware of what I have done and have taken steps to not be like that anymore. I started to see a Psych. and I am not on Zoloft, I have not hit my wife in a year or so and I do not plan to. We have also talked and agreed between us that my violence is the final straw, anymore of it and this relationship is not possible. That is just the background of this sordid story.

 

Flash forward to today, my wife is current PMS'ing, she is normally like this about 1 time a month and I try to tread lightly. We had an argument today before going to breakfast. She told me that I wanted to stay at home and she wanted to be out, all I really wanted was to have breakfast out with her. When she told me that I felt extremely annoyed and went into the bedroom, closed the door to a crack and waited until my heart stopped beating so fast. While I was waiting my wife started ranting about how she can cheat on me, how I am a prick, and just a down right bad guy. Mind you I was just standing in the room trying to chill out. When I heard this I flipped out and asking her why she was saying that? She tried to get into a physical confrontation or provoke me to hit her, i told her I dont want to be around you just get away. She left and went to a friends house, after calling this guy and saying that I was being mean for no reason and she doesnt know why.

 

I sent her a text saying I was sorry for lashing out like that, and that I wanted to take some time to reflect on what is really important to me in life. She came back later and complained that I did not respond to her so we could hang out, I was dumbfounded because she assumed I wanted to hang out, and that was not the case. Anyhow things went from bad to worse and we argued. I brought up the thing about her talking about cheating on me. (she did in the beginning while we were dating, and I have not forgiven her in my heart) and she said "please I dont have to go to Spain to cheat on you, if I wanted to I would do it here." After this I said well F you then, you can go back to Spain and stay there forever because I dont care and I dont want to be with you. I admit I was so angry and out of line to say that but whats done is done.

 

She checked into a hotel for tonight so we are apart. I am sad because I allow myself to get so angry, and then I feel like my wife pushes my buttons to get me to lose control, like its a game to her. I have had some resentment toward her for the past few days, so has said some terrible things about me and my family which she brings up often. We have been to couples counseling and it was a flop. I am considering going back but I am just not positive if this relationship is salvageable. I love her so much and I want it to work out, I want a family with her and peace and happiness. I feel that when we argue we both say the most damaging things and it is just sad for everyone. I am not sure on the next course of action. She is going back to Spain at the end of next month for 3 weeks. Until then I will most likely have an opportunity to talk to her, assuming she come back.

 

So its been a troubling relationship but I know we both love each other. I am tired of making excuses for my anger, and the fact that my heart begins to beat hard when we have angry discussions. Any thoughts?

[dazzle22]

There is a saying, 'don't poop in your nest'. Both of you are doing this. Hurling hateful spiteful remarks at your loved one will never result in the relationship you want. Both of you need to become more gentle and caring and considerate to the other. This will not be easy, as it sounds like this way of acting and talking to each other is pretty engrained in your personalities...

[aerogurl87]

Hmm, sounds to me like she finally cracked from the years of abuse at your hand. Just because you've changed doesn't mean she's forgotten how you used to be. Maybe something in her snapped today and she was just getting out all the built up anger from over the years.