Is it always black and white? Should i have some hope?

[rose45]

Figured i would start a new thread with the latest info rather than keep posting with the thread from awhile ago

 

Was with my ex for 3 and a half years..it was petty stuff i think that broke us apart..fighting over things i regret..noone cheated..we did have alot of love..he broke it off...a year later i leave him a vmail and he calls me back right away and i tell him all these regrets after a few minutes..basically he said he couldnt just jump back into this which waas understandable and that we will exchange calls and meet..we talked for a few months pretty much every few days...hour convos, 2 hour convos..soemtimes longer..i think we needed that to get comfortable...he admitted he doesn't want to be serious with anyone right now..too much going on and wants to get his financial situation more stable and how he is barely breaking even with money etc..2 months went by after the holidays that we didn't speak and i finally questionined what was going on and here is the latest info:

 

He basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me.

 

I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did.

 

I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. He said he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer?

 

I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future.\ or what he wants. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.

 

I tried getting as much direct info as i could and think of all the questions i wanted to ask..... i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting me he would have been seeing someone already or looking and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk.

 

I did bring it up a few days later and i asked if he wants to see me randomly and he said hmm and i said you can say no right off the bat and he said its not a matter of no he just knows i'm not really looking for that (i guess b/c i want to get back but i do know that would take time and actual dating all over again) so i said i never expected to see you once and that's it and that although its a nice idea it isn't very realistic to have that happen. So he said ok. I asked are you agaisnt this? and he said he isn't against this in a nice voice and he said soon let me just get my head together. So i said ok and dropped the subject. He called a few nights later on a Friday to talk for a bit so it was a nice surprise.

 

Should i believe he is being genuine and just needs more time before getting involved again? I know there is the cliche if a guy doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, it just means with you. Is it always black and white? I want to hope he isn't like that knowing full well he isn't ever going to see me and won't even tell me that when i asked for direct answers. Just want to give the benefit of the doubt we are talking after so much time for a reason.

[aerogurl87]

Life isn't always black and white and he could honestly want you back sometime later down the road, but you need to move on. Never wait around for someone hoping they will one day come back. I learned that the hard way. I waited around for my ex (in my heart only since I did find another boyfriend in the meantime) but I knew I really wanted him. Well 6 months after we broke up, we had a talk and he told me he loved me, wanted me, but that he didn't want to hurt me. Hence we're not together today and ironically enough I went on to find someone who is willing to give me what I so desperately wanted from my ex, a true commitment.

 

If things had been black and white, my ex and I would still be together. We both loved each other alot, but love is not enough to keep a relationship together. You can't have a relationship with someone when their heart is 100% in it, and his wasn't. I suspect your boyfriend really does want to be with you and wants to be with you, but he knows he can't be so he's letting you go. In all honesty, that is the right thing for him to do for you both even if it hurts now. In hindsight, whether you end up together or not, you'll be thankful he did.

[rose45]

we are still talking though and he knows my intentions and i asked him directly a few times if he just wanted me to move on... does he think he could be with me again and have feelings and he said i think so and he never said he didn't have feelings for me.

[stace79]

don't listen to what he says. watch what he does. he is not pursuing you. he doesn't want to be with you. and you accepting this half-ass dating is not earning you any respect. let him go and live your own life. IF he really wants you, he will work to get his crap together and then come find you.

[torranceshipman]

Just from an objective viewpoint (I could be wrong) from reading your story in your post...he sounds like he was extremely honest about telling you it is over. He was clearly respectful of your feelings to do that.

 

When you guys talk, he probably really worries about hurting you so isn't as blunt as he could be, and tries to let you down gently by saying he doesn't want a girlfriend right now because of money...it doesn't really make sense because it isn't really true, he is just trying to be kind...think about it, you do ask him a lot of questions, he hears you distressed and sniffling on the phone...he will feel bad and try not to be too harsh with you. I think NC is the way to go...sorry that you are hurting...

[rose45]

hey thanks for responding.

 

but i did ask him directly do you me to just move on and maybe you are trying to spare my feelings and be kind and its me you dont want and you just don't want to say it. I put it out there directly to make it easier if this is the case. And he said that isn't really true about it just being about me b/c if it was he would be looking for someone or seeing someone already.

 

I asked if he was against seeing me and he said isn't against it, just let him get his head together..he wasn't asking for space and nc b/c he has been calling me here and there as well.

[aerogurl87]

He doesn't want space or NC because although he doesn't want you, he's probably afraid of being alone too. When my ex and I broke up for the last time, he didn't go NC either. I had to because he kept texting and calling me. I heard the whole "I love you but I need to find myself" or "I can't have a girlfriend right now, please wait for me" crap before. It never pans out. The longer you wait around for him while he's being indecisive the more respect he'll lose for you. And no one wants to be with someone they don't respect.

[rose45]

he isn't really the type to "need" someone or to be afraid of being alone.

 

I guess that is why i am hoping that we are talking for a reason.

 

I just feel like with knowing him..and one of my friends agrees--that if we go nc again, whatever closeness we developed--it will just fade away without the contact. I don't really see him with any girl chasing them months later after not having contact with them to see if they want to get back together. He is very in control of his emotions and doesn't really express thist stuff easily. I feel like whatever we developed now could be lost if we just stop talking again and it would be like starting all over with getting comfortable again.

 

So i am really not sure what to do seeing as though i still care alot about him. My friend said since you just had this serious talk a little over a month ago--maybe wait til june or so to say..listen, no pressure but do you think we will see each other before the summer is over atleast just so i know what i am doing and what to expect...

[rose45]

bump....

[dreamer0123]

Hi Rose,

 

I've been reading your posts for a while now and I am sorry but you really need to move on. I think you just haven't accepted the fact that your relationship is over and until you do- you will always be in this "phase" of trying to figure out what his intensions are- when really they are quite obvious.

 

I only say this because I recently have accepted mine. Similar to you- I was with my ex for 3 years and we broke up because we wanted different things (no cheating, no arguing no nothing)...

 

The only person who can help yourself right now is you- and I think deep down you know the answer but is looking for someone else to agree with your feelings of hope.

 

I think you should vent- but you should give yourself a deadline as to when to really accept what has happened so you can try to move on.

[rose45]

thank you

 

so i shouldn't give him time like he said he needed? he is basically lying his butt off even with the direct questions i asked him?..

[stillafool]

Just from an objective viewpoint (I could be wrong) from reading your story in your post...he sounds like he was extremely honest about telling you it is over. He was clearly respectful of your feelings to do that.

 

When you guys talk, he probably really worries about hurting you so isn't as blunt as he could be, and tries to let you down gently by saying he doesn't want a girlfriend right now because of money...it doesn't really make sense because it isn't really true, he is just trying to be kind...think about it, you do ask him a lot of questions, he hears you distressed and sniffling on the phone...he will feel bad and try not to be too harsh with you. I think NC is the way to go...sorry that you are hurting...

 

This is what I hear when reading OP post. I think he is being as kind as possible to you because he doesn't want to hurt you. Afterall, you haven't done anything. I think you need to start getting over him because I don't care how busy a man is he will always make time to be with the one he loves.

[rose45]

but i am asked directly do you want me to move on, leave you alone, do you think you could have feelings for me and want to be with me again? and his answer to that last question was i think so and i never said i don't have feelings for you but needs time.

 

I even put it out there that maybe you are trying to be "nice" and don't want to say you don't want me and he denied that saying then he would be seeing someone already or looking and he's not.

 

At this point with my direct questions and comments and if that is how he feels and he still won't say it---i just see it as very cruel, I dont get why someone would do that because it doesnt help....

[rose45]

bump....thank you

[D-Lish]

Honestly, I think you are putting way too much pressure on your ex.

The constant barrage of questions, the checking in, more question asking... It makes my head spin when I read your posts.

 

Trust in his actions, not his words. If he truly wanted to be with you, he'd make the effort to see you and spend time with you, wouldn't he?

 

I think you should back off from asking him so many questions about his intentions and keep your conversations to topics that are much lighter in nature! Wait for him to broach the subjects that are relationship focused.

 

If he truly needs more time- let him come to you on his terms, instead of pushing for yours.

[dreamer0123]

thank you

 

so i shouldn't give him time like he said he needed? he is basically lying his butt off even with the direct questions i asked him?..

 

I really think you should focus on your needs...like I said- until you are ready to accept what has happened you are going to be stuck in this phase...ultimately it comes down to you-

[rose45]

well i guess i am sort of asking if its always black and white or does it always mean yeah he said this and this and it means nothing, just move on and forget about him. I guess I sort of feel that action may be extreme as well.

 

Its not like i have done nothing the time we were apart even with no contact. I was heartbroken but i traveled a little. Even tried dating.

 

Guess i don't just want to write him off because of this and say ok tell him to call me when he is ready and if i am still available. I think depending on the personality that might actually make the person angry and push them away further.

[rose45]

Hey D-lish

 

thank you for your post!

 

well i actually tried very hard to keep the convos light..only bringing up positive memories, laughing etc etc..the only time i asked him questions was in those serious convos when it was needed at the time and then the subject was dropped

 

i will drop the subject for a long time..or atleast try to and not place pressure.

[stillafool]

but i am asked directly do you want me to move on, leave you alone, do you think you could have feelings for me and want to be with me again? and his answer to that last question was i think so and i never said i don't have feelings for you but needs time.

 

I even put it out there that maybe you are trying to be "nice" and don't want to say you don't want me and he denied that saying then he would be seeing someone already or looking and he's not.

 

At this point with my direct questions and comments and if that is how he feels and he still won't say it---i just see it as very cruel, I dont get why someone would do that because it doesnt help....

 

 

My ex husband use to ask me those questions and I would 'hem and haw' because I didn't want to be mean to him. However, I knew I had no intentions of us getting back together. I also felt like D-lish said, pressured. I was not going to say things that would hurt him because it would just make him beg me more and ask me more questions. He has already told you everything you need to know to move on. Why won't you just accept it?

[rose45]

i think that is actually worse and pretty cruel and even more mean..if someone knows in their heart and in their mind that 100% they don't want to give it a second chance then they should say that.

 

If he knows this and we spent months exchanging phone calls, then i see that as pretty cruel because what was the point. It wasn't just me making those calls and having those conversations..

[stillafool]

Figured Was with my ex for 3 and a half years..it was petty stuff i think that broke us apart..fighting over things i regret..noone cheated..we did have alot of love..he broke it off...a year later i leave him a vmail and he calls me back right away and i tell him all these regrets after a few minutes..basically he said he couldnt just jump back into this which waas understandable and that we will exchange calls and meet..we talked for a few months pretty much every few days...hour convos, 2 hour convos..soemtimes longer..i think we needed that to get comfortable...he admitted he doesn't want to be serious with anyone right now..too much going on and wants to get his financial situation more stable and how he is barely breaking even with money etc..2 months went by after the holidays that we didn't speak and i finally questionined what was going on and here is the latest info:

 

He basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me.

 

I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did.

 

I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. He said he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer?

 

I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future.\ or what he wants. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.

 

This guy has told you too many times how he feels. I don't know what he can say or do to get it through to you that he is no longer interested in a relationship with you. It is unfair of you to expect him to be cruel to you. As he said you were a good girlfriend. That should tell you it isn't anything you did it's just that his feelings about the relationship does not match yours. You were practically begging him for another chance and he declined in a nice manner. I'm sorry but it seems that from what you have said above he was more than clear about what he wanted. Why don't you just leave him alone now.

[rose45]

and when i asked if he wanted me to move on he didn't seem too happy about that and when i asked do u think u could have feelings for me again and want to be with me again he said i think so and that he never said he didn't have feelings for me

 

and also how he said if it was specifically about me then he would be seeing someone already or looking...none of that matters either though?

 

i think its very cruel to say these things and agree with the person if they don't mean it and i am hoping he isn't that type of person...

[Narf]

Rose... Can you honestly say you know 100% what will happen with your head and heart in the future? If i was asked those questions i would be like your b/f cause honestly he is not thinking about a future with you.. He is thinking about what he needs/wants now. You are no longer a priority to him.

You have to decide what you can handle and what you want to do... Hangging around and questioning him i believe will end any chance in the future... Also ask yourself can you handle this? This grey area of uncertainy? It is a self esteem killer... Because soon enough you will question yourself... WHy arent i good enough... Why cant he see i care and love him... Why dont he want me, we were so good!!

 

Good luck to you! I hope you find the strengh to leave sooner rather then later