New here and new to separation

[tavoludo]

Thanks to all beforehand.

 

My wife and I just separated about 1 week ago . I'm 27 and she is 25. Sentimentally we have been separated for 1 week but physically it's been a month, she got a job offer in a different city about 500 miles away. I was planning to move after finding a job and finishing my current master's semester.

 

I went to visit her last weekend, things went really bad, lots of fights and i ended up coming back earlier, separated and according to her she wants a divorce. I'm in real pain because i do love her and I don't know if she meant it or it was just that she was fed up with the constant fighting. I am heart broken, depressed and need your help!!

 

Here is our story:

We've had our ups and downs like everybody, we have been married for 2 years and lived together for 1 (no kids); we had another 4-month separation from March-August last year but we got back together and things were more or less fine. My wife and I have the same bad temper and we clash a lot, although she has been better since January I truly saw a change in her, but I wasn't giving my 110% and I accept it, and regret it

 

Everything started going down hill when she moved away since I became more stressed out about finding a new job in the new city, I wasn't going to quit my job because of the current economical situation, and neither drop out of school. Well, I was really stressed out, even more because I hate my current job and missed her a lot.

 

To summarize, the break up happened because of: marital problems stretching since we got married (we are of different cultures, kind of immature, bad tempered, and different out bringing), being 500 miles away, stress from job search and current frustration in my current job and load of school. We talked about this and she said she understood it, but since the fights continued because of my part we ended up separating and I really regret it, I was blind.

 

I'm not contacting her, we have spoken once since I came back 1 week ago because I want to give her space and peace; today was her birthday and I just sent her a happy birthday message no begging, no I love you's, no anything, I don't want to push her. I started going to counseling to address my bad temper and current depression due to my situation and they have helped me in a huge way, I want to be better for myself and hopefully she can see my effort, if not well still I want to change the man I am today for my own good.

 

She still loves me but she says everything she wants is to be at peace after so much stress and drama in our marriage. I haven't been the best of husbands and she hasn't been the best of wives but I still feel that we can work it out, love has not died but just we are not crazy about each other like we were

 

Any comments will help me a lot guys! and sorry about the lengthy message is hard to summarize 4 years of relationship in one thread...

Edited April 12, 2010 by tavoludo

[tojaz]

Welcome to LS and no need to apologize for length. The more info the better.

 

To beat everyone to the punch, being she is 500 miles away, what are the chances ther might be someone else. Clues, hints, gut feelings?

 

Ok, thats out of the way. Sorry everyone hates to hear that. i read a lot of stress cropping up in your relationship very quickly and not much time to resolve. You say you both lstill love each other, which is light years from many of us here. So your in the fight.

 

First, you mention "your part" what was it? you also mention that you are in counnseling. Is she? Has marital/couples counseling been discussed? That would be at the top of my list if I were you. In the mean time, give her the break shes looking for and work on being that guy she was crazy about so you can give that to her again.

 

Keep posting your just getting started.

 

TOJAZ

[tavoludo]

Thank you for answering!

 

Zero, she is one of the most honest persons I've ever known, that's the way she was raised and I bet my life on it. Doesn't bother me that you asked that I understand the reasons

 

We tried counseling once, but she said that she felt it was not working and the therapist wasn't really making an effort but we should have kept on going . We have been reading books and have helped us in a way to reconnect and that's the reason we move back together in August.

 

She said that in the past she was looking to do what was best for us, now she wants what's best for her because we have had a lot of issues and she is just too tired. Sometimes I feel that I was the one that was more interested on seeing the professionals than she was.

 

My part meant that even if I explained myself in relation to my frustrations and she completely understood them by the way, and I promised not to mess up the short time we had left last weekend, I kept on bring up stuff and arguing. I was just too unhappy with how we have changed, unhappy with my professional life and unhappy because we were apart. She got fed up with arguing and that's why she kinda gave up. Temporarily or permanently, that I don't know.

 

I have been the first guy she has ever fallen in love with, and I hope that love is still alive. My question is, I was trying to give her time to think, but being her birthday I felt the need to send that message. I just want her to reflect when she is alone since her parents and sister and now visiting due to her birthday. Should I just keep the no contact? believe me not calling or contacting is really hard but I want to do what's right for once in our relationship and be a new me who can be patient and understanding

Edited April 12, 2010 by tavoludo

[tojaz]

Well, thats the hard part Tav. All the questions you have running round your head? She has them too! Right now though shes built the support up in herself to walk away so just about anything you try to do is going to be seen as a manipulative ploy to win her back. Because seeing it that way helps her support the decision to leave and releases some of the guilt.

 

The best thing right now is to let her truly experience life without you. Let her pay her own bills and make her own way. Don't be mean and listen if she wants to talk, but if she wants out show her what out is all about. The decision is hers to make, all you can do is be the best you that you can and help her make an informed decision.

 

Search the 180, thats probably your next move.

 

TOJAZ

[tavoludo]

Ok, i do understand believe me if i wasn't because was her birthday i wouldn't had done it. I thought it was sort of encouraged since last week she sent me an email letting me know that about something great that had happened to her.

 

Anyway i do get it and i will not persue her, i understand it doesn't help and now she needs to be by herself resting from all the drama. I do love her and will continue going to counseling to get to the root of the matter and be a better me, thank god for all my friends and family who had step up and helped me in this difficult moment in my life and you in this forum who not even knowing me are willing to lend me a hand.

 

I knew the no contact was a good idea, a friend was trying to convince me to send her flowers really expensive, and it didnt seem like it was a good idea because we are not ok and about to get divorced.

[nobmagnet]

hello,

 

Giving her space and also giving yourself time to see what you had is a very good idea IMO.

 

keep working on you and as you mentioned yourself you will become a better man for it.

 

Prepare yourself for what ever lies ahead, eat well, dont drink too much, sleep as much as you can as all have an effect on your mood and right now you need to be clear headed.

 

Keep posting

 

Nobby xx:love:

[tavoludo]

Thank you sooo much for the support, i've been trying to eat better, get out of bed used to be a simple task now is a challenge that is getting better as days go by, it's been a week but feels like a year. I have my ups and downs, i did not think i loved her this much and at some point divorce was appealing and even necessary. It doesn't look appealing anymore.

 

Thanks a lot for your support again

[nobmagnet]

Hi,

 

 

To put to your feelings (valid too)

 

 

My ex treated me and the kids very badly for 4 years previous to his ejection from the family home on the discovery of a long standing affaire.

 

I felt frightened, lost, bewildered, releived, upset, disgusted, ect ect. I also thought i missed him. I didnt miss him. I missed the thought of the man he used to be.

 

Your feelings are valid my love. Welcome to the rollercoaster. You need to hold on tight and join us all!!

 

As you can see from the amount of posts i have done.........its good to talk!!

 

Nobby xx

[tavoludo]

I'm sorry for what you and your family had to go through. We were not abusive or anyhing like we had a prettt normal relationship aside from the arguing having the same temper, i do not hate her nor she hates me thank god. We "ended" in a good note and that makes me happy, we are still the same people we married but married life is quite different from college life.

 

I hope you are also healing but like some say is better to surrond yourself with people that care, even if they don't know you. We all can help each other heal and get up right?

[nobmagnet]

Babe.

Married life is never a walk in the park..........two people, two differnt needs, wants, dreams..........ect.

 

The way to make a marriage work is effective communication IMO. Expression of feelings with out anger or provocation. Its learning to talk. Sounds simple eh?? Its the hardest thing in the world unless you work together. Im convinced if we all had lessons at school on how to communicate well there wouldnt be this appauling divorce rate.

 

I would never have put up with his bad behaviour if had known how to communicate my feelings better. I sulked or cried. He withdrew and became angry. We were immature and we were in out 30's. Marriage guidance taught me alot about myself but did not resolve his issues (he is a narsassist and is never going to even be partly to blame) But I understand now the tools required to have a grown up conversation with issues. This goes accross all relationships.

 

I behaved the way i did because my mother way a strong character and I was never get the chance to put my point of veiw accross she just shot me down. Since having councelling i find my relationship with her improved because i have learnt to say stuff like........." oh, did you mean that the way you said that because it made me feel X Y Z.?" 9 x out of 10 she back tracks and questions her actions and its resolved there and then.

 

 

Sorry thats a ramble but in essence marriage guidance can teach you both how to communicate without fighting. And not just with her.

 

 

sorry thats a long one:o

 

Nobby xx

[tavoludo]

Not at all, it is very helpful.

 

Like i said even if she is not willing to reconsider our marriage, i want to be a different man for myself, and the people that love me.

 

I cannot control her decisions and i do accept that. My time is now and the only one available to change myself is me, me and only me. The sooner i start the happier i'll be in the future.

 

I am glad the counseling is working for you, at 27 sometimes is hard to leave the boy behind and start being a grown up. This is a wake up call that even if is not too late because i'm still alive, i hope is not too late to save my marriage.

Edited April 12, 2010 by tavoludo

[tavoludo]

I'm using my thread and vent, my week has been full of ups and down sometimes i feel i'm better sometimes i feel like crap. Mornings are the worst, the effort to get out if bed is like running a marathon, i drag myself to work and pretend everything is great to coworkers but they dont really know that my heart is shattered into pieces as day goes by i regain my strenght and look at the sky.

 

It's the morning and i'm in a deep black whole, i still havent contacted my wife, i want to give her time to think and i better focus on my own flaws.

 

Thank you for your support

Edited April 13, 2010 by tavoludo

[nobmagnet]

hey love!

 

Well done for getting up at all :love:

 

My doctor told me to cut myself some slack. He said...."if you get up and get the kids to school you have acheived something in your day. Anything else is a bonus!!" It made me feel good about myself for just the smallest thing on top of that. Maybe you should try that advise also?

 

You are doing extreamly well.

 

((hugs))

 

Nobby xx

[tojaz]

I'm using my thread and vent, my week has been full of ups and down sometimes i feel i'm better sometimes i feel like crap. Mornings are the worst, the effort to get out if bed is like running a marathon, i drag myself to work and pretend everything is great to coworkers but they dont really know that my heart is shattered into pieces as day goes by i regain my strenght and look at the sky.

 

It's the morning and i'm in a deep black whole, i still havent contacted my wife, i want to give her time to think and i better focus on my own flaws.

 

Thank you for your support

 

Hey Tav, sorry I didn't reply sooner. been away from my computer. The mornings certainly are the worst and they dont call it a rollercoaster for nothing! A look at my threads will tell you, I know what your going through. Id like to suggest a book that i wished i would have had in the early stages. its called "Getting back together" Like i said, it was too late for me, but there is some very good advice to be had.

 

Your handling things well (even though i'm sure it doesn't feel like it.) Keep your head up and dont give up hope. Your still in the fight.

 

TOJAZ

[tavoludo]

Thank you for words, yeah it's a rollercoaster and today was one of those days. I am going to counseling, today was my appointment. I am kind of confused, the counselor told me to write a letter addressed to her where I tell her that I haven't given up. Last time we spoke i told her that I understood her decision and respected it, but he said that I should let her know that I'm still interested on getting back together. I am to bring it with me next week so he can take a look at it and then send it.

 

What do you think about that and the NC?

[tojaz]

I think its fine. NC isn't a cure all or right for every situation. Its main benefit is to protect your sanity and help you heal if things should not go your way. NC and all the advice given here has to be molded to your particular situation. Write it and see what the counsellor thinks. I would suggest not so much begging or a plea as much as acknowledgement.

 

I am willing to do what I can to repair our marriage, how much you value it. She has to be willing to hold up her end though, and while youd wrather not, you will survive just fine without her if need be.

 

TOJAZ

[tavoludo]

I'll try, I was just too eager to send the letter right away but I guess one week of wait wont do more harm than what we have already caused. I got some of my stuff back yesterday, she sent them with her parents as they drove back. I felt sad but what can i do? I don't have any control over that. I just hope that now that she is by herself she can remember about the good things and not only about our problems, and let herself forgive like I have.

 

Anyway, my will to be a different person is there, whether we get back or not. I haven't given up hope because I love her, and as days go by I also know that I will be fine if we don't. I have come to realize that sometimes people, I am guilty of that too, think that because you are hurting it means you want them back, we don't want to stop suffering because we feel an attachment of some sort with the other person. In a way, we prefer to keep on hurting and hoping at the same time for a reconciliation.

 

Do any of you feel the same way?

Edited April 15, 2010 by tavoludo

[Nigel]

Hello...tavoludo. Don't worry it is quite common in wife and husband relation. But please control yourself when there is a dispute between you two people because ladies are generally sensitive and will be hurted very easily. Don't worry you will definitely win your wife's heart and love. Take care of yourself and wish you all best..

[tavoludo]

Thank you for your words of support,

 

It is sometimes hard to keep on going. I know it has been just a week and a half but this situation is killing me; it is the morning and i feel anxious, i would like to storm out of the building and run away and yet i am stuck in my work where nobody cares to give me a hug and say i understand.

 

I know i have to be strong for myself, i know it is me who decides when to stop suffering, she shouldnt be my salvation but myself. it is too hard to regain confidence and getting used to waking up alone, i have been doing it for quite some time since she moved out due to work but now i wake up alone thinking that nobody loves me. Don't get me wrong, i know my friends and family love me but i mean her. I am in so much pain it is hard to keep on going, but i have to...

Edited April 15, 2010 by tavoludo

[tojaz]

I'll try, I was just too eager to send the letter right away but I guess one week of wait wont do more harm than what we have already caused. I got some of my stuff back yesterday, she sent them with her parents as they drove back. I felt sad but what can i do? I don't have any control over that. I just hope that now that she is by herself she can remember about the good things and not only about our problems, and let herself forgive like I have.

Not sending it right away will help you in the long run. She is angry now and looking to twist anything she can to support that anger. It makes little difference what you write because she will see it as manipulative or controlling or some other dastardly deed. Been there, done that, never want to go back. It is far to easy to think we have written the magic bullet and all we have to do is get it to her for things to get repaired, unfortunately our perception and the perceptions of a walk away are very different. Shes not going to take it the way you intend. Thats why i would imagine that the counsellor wants to read it first. You guys are in MC and trying, that is the biggest hurdle and one many of us would have given anything for. PATIENCE!

 

Anyway, my will to be a different person is there, whether we get back or not. I haven't given up hope because I love her, and as days go by I also know that I will be fine if we don't. I have come to realize that sometimes people, I am guilty of that too, think that because you are hurting it means you want them back, we don't want to stop suffering because we feel an attachment of some sort with the other person. In a way, we prefer to keep on hurting and hoping at the same time for a reconciliation.

 

Do any of you feel the same way?

 

Yep!, even a year later! Couldn't have described it better myself.

 

TOJAZ

[tavoludo]

Well to clarify the only one in counseling is me, don't know if she is and don't want to ask because don't want to sound too interested not make her think that i'm the only one doing something. Also, she is not angry but hurt and tired, we have been discussing some affairs not anything related to feelings, our relationship or issues through email and even if we have done it really business like she is still nice enough to wish me a good week and viceversa. I may sound lame but even that kind of contact puts me at ease because she doesnt hate me nor she is angry just hurt and tired. i just hope she still some hope left in her. Is it too soon to send the letter 3 weeks after the separation?

 

Thank you all for your support and comments, thay really help me feel i am not alone in this.

[momoftwo]

I have briefly read all the other posts. I applaud you for admitting and recognizing that you need help for the anger. I also applaud you for going to counseling! I would keep it up regardless if she ever decides to go b/c you will learn stuff about yourself regardless as I did during my two years of MC or personal counseling.

 

I don't know the specifics on how you left it. Has she contacted an attorney or proceeded with any thing? Here is my only word of caution- you know her however better than any of us so if you think after reading the next sentence "no way" then stick with your instincts! I don't know what kind of job she has but is it one so rare/awesome that she had to move 500 miles away? I have in the past once or twice moved away from someone b/c I knew that was the only way I would be able to move forward. She may or may not feel the same- only time will tell and if you are meant to be back together it will work out!!

 

You do have one VERY important thing going for the two of you. You admit you still love each other and whoever stated you are light years ahead of most of us is absolutely spot on!

 

I think it was a good idea to at least send her a message on her birthday- I believe it shows you still care but you are not trying to pressure her. I do think you should at least inform her that no matter what happens you are going to proceed with counseling on your own to help yourself. I think it is fine to touch base every once in a while and don't think that is too much pressure- believe me- I know too much pressure- (whether stated or unstated)- that definitely may push her farther away from my personal experience- my husband is in my opinion obsessed with the idea of counseling/books etc and yes it did make me feel (whether right or not) that I wasn't doing enough (even though I went to 1 yr of counseling, IMAGO therapy, tried to read a book, had date nights, LOT's of talks) but if I was tired or didn't do even one of the things he would say I didn't care as much and yes that aggravated me. So overall, I know it is tough right now but you seem to be doing the right things!

 

Stay busy is my only suggestion- it is good you have school!!! Focus on getting straight A's.

[tavoludo]

Well about the 500 miles, we agreed on looking for jobs in that city because we love it. We were planning to move back together when I was done with school and I encouraged her to move out when she had doubts about leaving her current job, city, etc because this was a great opportunity, one she had always wanted. I was very happy for her. I honestly accept as well that we needed time apart because things were not going that great and I think subconsciously we saw it as a new beginning and could work to our advantage (it didn't): away on our own to cool down things, a new job for her and a future new job for me, a new city to explore, etc.

 

So, the answer was yes and no but at least we knew what we were doing when she moved out it wasn't her decision only. She has not contacted an attorney yet, but she mentioned divorce 2 weeks ago as we were dividing our assets (her call, not mine and i had to respect it) and she hasn't said anything to make me think she has changed her mind.

 

About loving each other, I am sure of it, we are not mad for each other like when we started dating but who is at this point? seeing everything pink and full of hearts nope and she has stated before that even if we break up, she will love me forever.

 

Thank you for your comment, very honest and thank you for sharing your personal experience. I am ready to send the letter but I think I'll give it an extra week, depends on what the counselor says on wednesday. Thanks for your nice comments about accepting i need help, I hope is not too late for her and she sees it as something worth it. I have never been this honest with myself to the point of reaching out, I thought I could control it. I am known to be very proud of myself, believe me this is very unlike me and I do it because I love her and because I want to love myself and be happy with myself.

Edited April 16, 2010 by tavoludo

[tavoludo]

I have a question for all of you,

 

When you separated how was your marriage? What I mean is, I know for sure that you had issues like I had, fights and disagreements, but how was your communication?

 

My marriage was full of messages of I love you's, daily calls since she was away, emails asking how are you, from both sides even 4 days before we separated. Suddenly we had that weekend of fights and we separated. Do you think love can die that fast? or it was pretty much a result of frustration and tiredness from her part?

 

Do you think she still loves me? I know I'm just rambling thoughts but it's the weekend and I'm just too sad and too confused, and I just need somebody to answer this. I want to win her heart back, but I just need words of encouragement because i feel lost and hopeless today.

 

Thank you

Edited April 17, 2010 by tavoludo

[tojaz]

I have a question for all of you,

 

When you separated how was your marriage? What I mean is, I know for sure that you had issues like I had, fights and disagreements, but how was your communication?

For the most part, I had thought that communication was fine. Later on I found that she was unable to communicate many things to me. Things I was in the dark about but she resented me for them anyway.

 

My marriage was full of messages of I love you's, daily calls since she was away, emails asking how are you, from both sides even 4 days before we separated. Suddenly we had that weekend of fights and we separated. Do you think love can die that fast? or it was pretty much a result of frustration and tiredness from her part?

Blindsided, I can relate! Your story is unfolding a lot like mine did.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=13381761

in case you want to skip ahead. Not a happy ending though.:(

 

 

 

 

Do you think she still loves me? I know I'm just rambling thoughts but it's the weekend and I'm just too sad and too confused, and I just need somebody to answer this. I want to win her heart back, but I just need words of encouragement because i feel lost and hopeless today.

 

Thank you

 

Its impossible to know. Shes the only one that does and she may not even be sure. Just stay here, ask what you need, learn what you can and do your best. The rest is up to her. I know its not what you want to hear but its the painful truth here on LS.

 

TOJAZ