11 months since. He's still in contact and I still can't give up hope. Why?!

[cypresa]

How do I do it? he texts me out of the blue "checking in" it's been a month since we saw each other on a night out (he came out to something that i was at with my friends, and no i didn't invite him and he knew I was there.)

 

i can't get him out of my head. I can't seam to move on and i am so fed up. why can't i control myself, my own thoughts? Surely as human beings we can think what we choose to think. we have willpower.

 

11 months. and still there in my brain, lurking. How do i get rid of him? It's like I am a prisoner. He is everywhere. in newspapers, on websites, in magazines. Talking about being single. Like it's a badge.

 

how do you do it girls? do you need to meet someone special to truly get over it? Do i tell him to stop contacting me? how do you cut someone out of your life when they mean so much to you. when you love them and they are not bad or selfish. They just maybe don't love you as you love them. Or can't love you in the way you need to be loved.

 

how?

[Odyssey]

Wow... 11 months on-off contact, what does he want? More importantly, what do you want? clearly the limited contact isn't exactly speeding up the healing and you moving on.

 

Sometimes we are a prisoner of our own choices.

[Ilovecake]

The only way that it's ever worked for me is to become strangers with your ex which means they can not be part of your life at all.Once you're indifferent seeing a text from him will not affect you like that.

 

It's been 16 months for me and I pretty much consider myself over him until he makes contact, even though I do not reciprocate aka erase messages without reading them, not answer calls, blocked him on every website he had access to me, he still manages to get under my skin. Just seeing his name is enough to reverse time by months.

[mickleb]

11 months. and still there in my brain, lurking. How do i get rid of him? It's like I am a prisoner. He is everywhere. in newspapers, on websites, in magazines. Talking about being single. Like it's a badge.

 

Jesus, who is this guy, Peter Andre?!

 

No, seriously, cypresa: you've been asking your questions on here since August of last year. You've had some excellent advice from many, many posters here and you've, basically, chosen to ignore it all.

 

You can't let go of this guy and are hooked on the less-than-breadcrumbs he's has offered you, like it's crystal meth.

 

He doesn't want you back. He had commitment issues anyway but his scrappy contact with you hasn't even been about you! It's been about him hanging out-ish with someone he used to know and who strokes his ego (big time).

 

You know the answer to your questions is NO FKN CONTACT! But you don't know how effective this action is because you've never done it with integrity. You have not tried to work on healing, only on getting him back. You've not discovered who you are, only agonised over him, repeatedly.

 

What more can any of us say to you?

 

Except, maybe, now it's time you tried therapy?

 

Look after YOURSELF.

 

x

[cypresa]

I'm hoping to get over him, not under him!!!!

 

wow. I didn't expect that response. I'm posting in the Coping forum not the get back together forum.

 

you sound suspiciously like my best friend when she was giving me advice 6 months ago...

 

I haven't been in contact with him!!! i never email him, text or call him. He always does it to me! i never initiate. not since months before xmas anyway....

 

I do reply to his contact but always after a few days and i never ask a question. i never try and get him into conversation. it's always a full stop. I find it rude to ignore him completely! wouldn't you?

 

sorry to be blunt but i was posting to find out how other people coped when faced with lots of internal pain and not being able to move on. i find it hard. sorry if that disappoints you. But I'm not perfect. And I loved him very much.

 

I know who I am. I have a huge sense of worth. I just am finding it hard letting go. That's all. Here on this forum, I am open and transparent. And it helps. I'm just being honest, not trying to put a brave front on here... as I do with most of my friends. I thought that this is the one place where you can be truly honest with your inner thoughts. No matter how stupid or weak that makes you seem.

 

I know I'm being rubbish, but I'm finding it tough that's all.

[Carolyn]

Just to let you know that I'm in your EXACT situation and for the same length of time. Only I have an ex who will call and text everyday and he has done for a year.

 

Why does he do it? I wish I had the answer. But I'm not a mean or nasty bitch either who can just totally ignore his contact.

 

Don't expect others who aren't there to understand.

[D-Lish]

I can't seam to move on and i am so fed up. why can't i control myself, my own thoughts? Surely as human beings we can think what we choose to think. we have willpower.

 

how do you do it girls? do you need to meet someone special to truly get over it? Do i tell him to stop contacting me? how do you cut someone out of your life when they mean so much to you. when you love them and they are not bad or selfish. They just maybe don't love you as you love them. Or can't love you in the way you need to be loved.

 

how?

 

You really can't control how you feel, but you can control what you do with those feelings.

 

Do you tell him not to contact you anymore? No, a better way is to simply not respond to him when he does reach out. A consequence of his inability to commit to you, should be that he doesn't get to maintain fleeting contact with you. You ARE in control of the contact you have- you simply don't have to engage him in conversation.

 

Answering him is what is keeping you stuck.

[TuesGirl]

Answering IS keeping you stuck.

 

The only way I gave up hope was to get angry at the ex. Not immature angry, but angry enough to realize that I deserved more and that he did not deserve me.at.all. He doesn't even deserve my response. My attention should only be used for those individuals that are considered good friends, not one-sided situations

 

I have been 6 weeks NC after approx 7 months of limited contact and I have never felt better. I don't feel 100% but I feel so much better than before. DON'T ANSWER HIM. And I swear the moment I gave up hope, the floodgates, concerning other men, opened.

 

Do I still think about the ex? yes. Sometimes I even miss him, although those times are getting fewer and far-er between. Sometimes I want to talk to him. But I know nothing good will come of it. Nothing.

 

IDK girl. You and I were in a similar situation for awhile and I know where you're at. I guess I just got to the point where I decided life was too short and I realized that I pissed away 6 months on this guy and it wasn't going to stop until I 'stood up for myself' and that, to me, meant saying that I was too good for this treatment (both to him and to myself). It wasn't bad treatment, but I deserve more, and so do you!

 

Be selfish and do what YOU need to do.

[mickleb]

D-Lish and Tuesgirl are saying what I'm saying.

 

Yes, my tone was strict but that's all. You have been told this before but you have ignored this advice. People saying 'oh dear' will not help you now, just legitimise your feelings and behaviour.

 

You NEED to change your behaviour.

 

No contact means not responding to their emails, texts, blahdy-blah. To them. And no - I would not feel rude! Why doesn't he feel he's being rude if you have told him not to contact you??!

 

You are dealing with a Commitment Phobe and responding to him as a classic Passive Commitment Phobe. Have you read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'? You keep feeding him exactly what he wants so why should his behaviour change? He would need years of therapy to make those changes himself, for himself. You are getting so badly Passive CP about him that therapy could be a very good move for you, now.

 

And, btw, Carolyn, I was hooked on an ex for 5 years, so I do know what I'm talking about. It's a good way to waste your life away.

 

x

[mickleb]

But I'm not a mean or nasty bitch either who can just totally ignore his contact.

 

Btw, this comment is quite bitchy.

 

If you've told him not to contact you and he still does he's being mean. Why be polite to someone who has disrespected your wishes and feelings? If you haven't told him not to contact you, that's why he still does.

 

NC makes complicated situations simple for everyone involved. If you want complications to remain, continue as you are.

 

Take care.

 

x

[cypresa]

Tuesgirl!!! i am so proud of you. I was wondering how you're doing. Right, if you can do it - so can I!!!!

 

He texted me this morning - asking to meet up for a catch up and you know what - i think this is the moment. I've had enough.

 

but i can't just ignore. I will write him an email and tell him why. (in a nice way) and tell him to please stop contacting me because it's time for me to move on and it's holding me back.

 

Carolyn? maybe we should do it together??? we're both stuck in a rut. And only we can get ourselves out of it.

[mickleb]

Yay!

 

:bunny::bunny:

 

Go girl!

 

(I do love to see a person take control of their life back. )

 

But you don't have to be nice as such, better to be business-like if you MUST respond to him. He will believe what you are telling him more readily, that way.

 

The next stage after that is delete, delete, delete.. You know what I'm saying, don't you..?

 

We'll be here for you through it all.

 

x

[TuesGirl]

Cypresa, you're my LS chica in arms haha Look, without hijacking your thread, let's just say a lot of info came to the surface and I started to see a lot of things that I never saw before (uh narcissistic behavior anyone?). At any rate, as I mentioned before, I allowed myself to just get angry enough (instead of being so freaking sad for so long, and HOPING) and proud of myself that I just said, "I'm not taking this anymore". Something just 'switched' inside of me as soon as I made this decision.

 

I will be honest with you. He didn't take too kindly to my new stance (see narcissist remark above) and has been immature in many ways, saying things to mutual friends. It was hard, but at the end of the day, I have consistently taken the high road and NOT given him ANY reaction/attention whatsoever, which is what he seeks. So I feel like I am 'winning', which my competitive butt needs.

 

As mentioned before, there are days, or moments in a day that can be tough, but I just keep reminding myself to put 'me' first and feel lucky that I am 'me' and not a poor, confused, lost soul like him. I know what I want, and am not scared to obtain it. Him...yea, not so much! So anyways, back to you. I won't lie. It's f'ing hard, but the way I feel right now, comparably, is soooo much better. I no longer think he'll call or email or text and for some reason that allows me to really move on. I started casually dating someone and the amount of attention he pays me is soooo nice, but I know, looking back, i never would've allowed things to develop if I was still HOPING.

 

So, tell yourself what you want/need. Tell him next and then, yes, delete him. He knows where you live/work if needs you. I blocked all emails, deleted phone numbers and stopped feeling guilty for stating my case. And thus, I have stopped HOPING. Good Luck! Remember LIFE IS TOO SHORT to waste on something that isn't fulfilling your expectations. Let it be his loss. His regret. Not yours!!

[cypresa]

Tues girl... am really really proud of you. It takes courage to do what you have done. and you know what? if he really truly wanted you back in a mature real way .. then I am sure he would tell you properly (i think!)... rather than do the sulking, moaning to friends route. It sounds like he needs the cold shoulder to grow up a little.

 

funny isn't it, as soon as I've decided (in my head) that it's time to move on without any contact in any form. I get a text from him saying and i quote:

 

"Looking forward to seeing you. Very selfish of me, but i think only you will understand the intensity of the last few months. Hope everything is great for you. See you soon x"

 

how much is that all about him?! it makes me angry. i'm not there as his support system when he decides he needs me!!!! just makes me realise that there is no hope there. I'm only here as a sounding post.

 

I know i want more than that in life - and quite frankly i can't cope with that kind of friendship with him when i still have feelings - Apparently a good test is if you can picture him having rampent sex with a hot girl and not be bothered. I seriously don't pass that test it's not even funny!!!!

[nolanola]

I am bookmarking this thread! I feel like I could have written a lot of the posts above. My ex throws crumbs at me from time to time, I take them because I'm too nice (or too eager to get any attention from him), he vanishes from my life again until the next time and I feel like a pile of dog poo for weeks. I have also recently started getting angry and I think it does help. I still haven't gotten to that giving up hope stage - I hope it will be soon because I'm tired of feeling sad about it.

[cypresa]

Just when i'm building up to sending a final NC email. He sends me an email being super sweet - listing various things i can do whilst i'm away - i'm in another country at the mo.. and writing little paragraphs about why i would like each thing. (with various web links)

 

Grrrrrrrrr. i want to be angry at him! Do you think ex's have a 6th sense???

 

[GrayClouds]

Just when i'm building up to sending a final NC email. He sends me an email being super sweet - listing various things i can do whilst i'm away - i'm in another country at the mo.. and writing little paragraphs about why i would like each thing. (with various web links)

 

Grrrrrrrrr. i want to be angry at him! Do you think ex's have a 6th sense???

 

 

He does not need a 6th sense for he, like anyone who has been following your post knows that you are no really interested in going NC, that there will always been one more reason for you to contact him and allow him to contact you to let this little game continue.

 

If I was wrong there would be no final NC email, there would be no emails, facebukaka or other contact. You simple go NC. but dispite your words your actions says you want the silly game to continue.

[cypresa]

It's kinda tricky greyclouds to just dissapear on someone without saying anything. When we broke up - we broke up with grace and integrity. Not by playing games. But by having adult conversations.

 

I treat people how I would want other people to treat me. With respect. Regardless of whether they deserve it or not. (the famous golden rule).

 

That is the way I choose to live my life. And I have no regrets being this way.

 

There will be people who don't deserve my respect but I win in this world if always try and take the moral high ground.

 

But I am not responding fear not and the only response he'll get from me is a please don't contact me one.

[sean1970]

I find it rude to ignore him completely! wouldn't you?

 

The only person you end up being rude to is yourself... It would not be an issue if it did not cause you pain when he contacts you but it obviously does...

[cypresa]

well yes Sean1970 you do have a point. I do agree it has to stop. for my own sanity. And for those here on this forum!!

 

I have a hot date on thursday - a great distraction! x

[mickleb]

Ok, cypresa. So send the goodbye, if you must and be done.

 

And do it before Thursday, for the sake of your date, if you can't do it for your own. (Because it's not that respectful to begin something with someone new when you're hung up on someone old.)

 

x

[cypresa]

Mickleb - digging your tough love. It's like you've got my back and won't let me get away with anything!!

 

thanks x

[TuesGirl]

@Cypresa: You know for the longest time I wanted a 'dignified' breakup with adult conversations and the such, and I wanted to be the bigger person. But I realized HE was dragging it to a new low by stringing me along at his whim, and he wasn't playing fair. If he was, he would move on, or be with me. But what he was doing was super low class. So I gave it to him. I told him I was disappointed and disgusted with him for a, b, and c (I'm a teacher and I played the guilt card real hard And said he was 'dead to me' and then started NC.

 

Yes, over the course of the last 7 weeks there have been moments where I felt a wee bit bad for laying it out there like that. I even felt for 2 days that maybe I should apologize (THANK GOD someone talked me out of breaking NC for THAT), but then I realized that by standing up for myself, even if it got under his skin, in the long run, he really couldn't do anything but respect me at the end of the day. I stood up for what I believed was right, I didn't engage in anymore games, mind-f*cks, whatever...I held my head high and moved on.

 

Damnit, he'll get over it. And remember, time works for them in the same way it works for us...you start to only remember the good things. So one day, he'll say to himself, "wow, that girl knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to be herself".

 

I know the feeling of wanting to do things the adult way, but seriously, he's not being an adult, and just.go.NC. He's a big boy and will figure it out. And yes, I do believe they have a 6th sense Even my ex-ex has been in contact (like, "I miss you" crap) several times during this most recent breakup and there is no way he would KNOW this was going on in my life.

 

Stand up for what you think is right for you Cypresa!!

[GrayClouds]

. Not by playing games. But by having adult conversations.

You say:

11 months. and still there in my brain, lurking. How do i get rid of him? It's like I am a prisoner.

 

Do you want conversation or get rid of him?

As being this prisoner you may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

 

I treat people how I would want other people to treat me. With respect. Regardless of whether they deserve it or not. (the famous golden rule).

 

That is the way I choose to live my life. And I have no regrets being this way.

 

There will be people who don't deserve my respect but I win in this world if always try and take the moral high ground.

 

Before you can take the moral high ground you must respect yourself first and behavior accordingly. Otherwise that perceived high ground is little more then well worn path of rationalization to justify self sabotaging behavior.

[cypresa]

you're right. You're all right. Especially TuesGirl.

 

already feeling the empowerment wash through my veins!

 

TuesGirl please keep me posted over the next weeks/months on how you're doing... I somehow feel that our stories are inexplicably linked. And you doing the big NC definitely is helping me stop being so pathetic and start thinking about what it is that i want and need. (not what he does)

 

thanks all who have given me advice so far. Really as much as the criticism sometimes is a little stinging, I know it's the advice i would be giving if it was my friend. x