What if?

[unsureLP]

I start seeing a new counselor (IC) this Saturday. I have to work out some stuff that has been bothering me and creating barriers for a full recon, I think. The problem is, as my last counselor put it, I don't know that the result will be positive for the marriage. I mean, as I work on things within myself, it may turn out that recon won't be possible. It may turn out that I can't get fully back into the marriage emotionally.

 

What if that happens?

 

With everything that has happened between us, I want him to be happy. If I can't be there emotionally, how is it fair to expect him to be in such a relationship?

 

I don't think I could pull the plug on this marriage, but isn't it the same if I can't immerse myself fully in it?

[Malandro]

Well, I'm in a somewhat similar situation. When I first started seeing a counselor, he told me I was full of pent up anger and resentment. And he said something that made a lot of sense: Deal with these emotions or no matter what you do, they will remain in you. You can leave, they remain, you can stay, they remain. And you can start a new relationship, and you'll simply transfer those emotions to it.

 

So that said, I'm not sure if this fully applies, but my thoughts are, until you are content and happy, then sometime or sooner, whatever issues you've both been dealing with, they will manifest themselves again. And if the issue is your not seeing a future together, then no, it's not fair to offer him a half life. I'd say give him and yourself all or nothing. Even though that is so much easier said than done.