anbush Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Hello all, I have a problem and I would really apreciate any advice you guys can give me. I am 19 years old and have been married to a WONDERFUL guy (he's 22) for 7 months. My problem is that, I am jealous of everything. Literally. When we got married, I moved to where he was living which is 600 miles from my hometown. When I got here I didnt know anyone, and I still really dont. Since I dont have many friends here, I feel left out when he wants to hang out with his friends. They dont go to bars or clubs, they are usually playing video games or programming on the computer as a hobby. Doesnt sound serious right? Well, one of his friends lives next door, and he is in a fraternity and is really cute. Well, that combination probably lets you in on what kind of guy he is. He has many girl friends at a time. Has porn all over his apartment, has naked pictures of girls on his walls....and it kinda bothers me that my husband is around all that. I am very self conscience, and I am afraid that my hubby will realize that he can do better than me and find someone else more attractive. Every relationship I have ever been in has ended in infedelity. I know that my jealousy stems from my past relationships but I am having trouble letting go from all that and fully trust my husband. He is so sweet, he is a devoted Christian and I KNOW that he would never hurt me, but for some reason, I have this bad thought that runs through my head every time he is around his friend. Is is possible that my husband he can get corrupted by him? My husband gets really frustrated with me when I act jealous but I cant help it. I would appreciate any advice ya'll can give me. I am afraid that my jealousy will ruin my marriage. Thanks anbush Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Doesnt sound serious right? RIGHT. When I started to read the thread, I figured that your husband had a friend who was a girl, or was around a large group of girls, or spent all his money on porn. But no, the love of your life has a friend who has porn. Get over it, please. Let me enlighten you on a fact, no matter how Christian this guy is, he's 22, and he's seen porn before. He's looked at porn before, for a purely sexual purpose. Porn is not new to him. If he was honestly disgusted by porn, as .0001% of the male population is, he wouldn't be near this friend. The porn bothers you, not him. So the notion of him becoming "corrupted" by porn is a moot point. Let me tell you something else. Porn stars, honestly, are kind of gross. They have over exaggerated features, and are often so made up in the vanity of being a turn-on, that they end up sort of grimy. The only reason that males go for that is because they're naked, and having sex, and it's a good visual for self-pleasure. There's a huge difference between someone "more attractive" than you, and someone "better" than you. NO ONE WANTS THEIR WIFE TO BE A PORN STAR. Do you honestly think the man you love would go, "Damn, that girl with no shirt leaning up against that wall with one hand down her pants and the other in her hair looks like a swell girl, I bet she cooks, cleans, and loves football! I'm going to leave my wife of seven months and pursue her, because she looks awful good in that poster". Jealousy isn't ruining your marriage, you either trust him or you don't. I'm not familiar with all of the Christian beliefs, but it's my understanding that what God does, man cannot undo. He's not going to leave you because he caught the end half of a porn movie, nor will he compare you to those skanks on his college friend's wall. Not only should you stop being jealous, you should tell your husband that you're sorry for the way you've been acting. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I have issues which are different to yours, but this post of mine might give you some tips on building up your own self esteem and independence so you feel less jealous. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31412/ Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 People on this board hate how much I talk about porn, and all the negative advice I give. concidering the problems in my own marriage I shouldn't give advice, but this is real. Yes, his friend can corrupt him. I don't think your husband will cheat with one of his girlfriends, but remind your husband that he is a christian, and that he shouldn't be around such filth. I had a fiance that was a PREACHER. After hanging out with his potsmoking, pornwatching, slut dating friends, *innocently doing what Christ would do....witnessing to the lost* he backslid....duh Tell your husband that the bible says, "be a separated people." Christ had the ability to be around sin, and to be able to save the lost. If the lost were unchangable, then Christ moved on. Tell your husband that you think his friend's home is disrespectful to women, and that you are uncomfortable going there, and that you don't like the idea of him looking up from a computer to see a picture of a woman's breasts poking out at him. Ask your husband to invite his friend to your home. Or simply explain to him that you moved 600 miles to be with him, you deserted all of your friends and family to be with him, and since you are so uprooted, you feel that he at least owes you his company. You gave up everything to be with him. If he's so "sweet" then he shouldn't have a problem dropping a few of his friends to accomodate you in my opinion. I don't know what the big hang up with people is about "friends" the bible says plainly "forsaking all others to be with his wife." Why is it such a crime for a spouse to feel uncomfortable with certain friends, and to ask their spouse to respect them enough to ditch them!? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I wouldn't be in a relationship....much less a marriage....with someone I didn't trust. I DO understand the Christian values you are referring to. Then again.....Christian values go both ways. Love believes the Best and Love isn't Jealous. You've got to believe the best in him.....keep your jealousy in check.....and put the rest in God's hands. Just because there is porn around...doesn't mean he is a cheater or loves you any less. He's just being one of the guys.....as heathen as they may all appear to you. Are you guys attending church at all? Would he be opposed to any marriage counselling? Are you able to talk to him about this without accusing him? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 I am very self conscience, and I am afraid that my hubby will realize that he can do better than me and find someone else more attractive. This is your problem right here..... its not the porn.... its not his friends.... its how your making yourself or allowing yourself to feel.... it has nothing to do with religion. You need to realize he married you for you..... just cuz he hangs with friends that has this stuff doesnt mean hes comparing you to anyone else..... he sees his friend most likely cuz he likes him, definately not because of the porn on his wall. your insecure with your relationship and your insecure with yourself...... you cant change a way a man thinks..... unless you present yourself in a manner that speaks volumes..... and its called self esteem.... alot of your insecurities has to do with self esteem and how he portrays these women, they are just pictures. dont think hes comparing you to them but rather think maybe hes feeling sorry for his friend cuz afterall his friend obvisouly doesnt have a stable relationship in his life, and your husband does, his friend has pictures on his wall when your hubby has the real deal at home. if anything your hubby most likely doesnt even think of these pictures or women at his friends house..... but dont let this problem you have affect your relationship cuz it definately will.... sit him down and tell him how you feel... but be very open and honest..... and trust me when i say when guys see porn,,, theyre looking at a piece of paper.... with tits.... tahst it..... when they see the real deal standing in front of them thier glad they have the real deal and not a picture with tits. a flat piece of paper with a picture of a breast does not feel as soft as an actual breast does. Please do not let this consume you. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool I don't know what the big hang up with people is about "friends" the bible says plainly "forsaking all others to be with his wife." The Bible says nothing plainly. Anything can be taken out of context. This is so NOT an issue of religion. Why is it such a crime for a spouse to feel uncomfortable with certain friends, and to ask their spouse to respect them enough to ditch them!? It's not a crime, it's just incredibly unhealthy. It's not an issue of respect, it's an issue of control. There's a difference between talking about it, and expecting obedience. April, you always have great strategies for "winning" arguments, you advised that this person use antagonistic phrases such as "I came six hundred miles, you owe me ____." But with all this concern over winning, have you really ever won? Are you saying you can't see the insecurity dripping from her post? It's an issue with her, not him--she's not comfortable with her man vicariously watching porn. Her man has responded negatively to her jealously, and the more you encourage her to continue to press this issue, the more he's going to withdraw. Link to post Share on other sites
rubie Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Such an enlightening thread! I have seen so many valid points in all of these messages. anbush said: I am 19 years old and have been married to a WONDERFUL guy (he's 22) for 7 months. My problem is that, I am jealous of everything. I am also 19 and I share your problem with jealousy. I have also ruined a number of potentially good relationships by being possessive and jealous. I know how difficult it is to love someone so much and yet harbour such negative feelings toward them or their actions. If nothing else, let me offer my sympathy in that "I feel your pain". I'm hoping that this is just a callow emotion and that I will grow out of it eventullay. dyermaker said: Let me enlighten you on a fact, no matter how Christian this guy is, he's 22, and he's seen porn before. He's looked at porn before, for a purely sexual purpose. Porn is not new to him. If he was honestly disgusted by porn, as .0001% of the male population is, he wouldn't be near this friend. The porn bothers you, not him... Porn stars, honestly, are kind of gross... The only reason that males go for that is because they're naked, and having sex, and it's a good visual for self-pleasure. I agree with this in that it's true that men look, and will always look at other women. It would not matter if you were a porn star, a supermodel or anything else we as women dream of being, your husband would still look at someone who is aesthetically pleasing. It's just natural and I don't really think there is anything wrong with it. However, I do not feel like it is right for a guy to Lust after someone pretty or sexy if he is involved/committed to someone. You have to consider, your husband married you. He didn't marry anyone else because obviously he loves you. If he didn't feel like he was ready to commit to you alone then he would not have settled down. AprilFool said: I don't know what the big hang up with people is about "friends" the bible says plainly "forsaking all others to be with his wife." Why is it such a crime for a spouse to feel uncomfortable with certain friends, and to ask their spouse to respect them enough to ditch them!? You raise a good point. You are allowed to feel uncomfortable with some of your spouse's friends and more than likely, with some of them you have a good reason to do so. I think everyone has this problem in some form. On the other hand, I don't feel like it's okay to use this truth as a form of control. In some cases, someone who wanted to manipulate their lover could isolate their significant other from all of their friends by saying:"So-and-so makes me uncomfortable and I would feel better if you didn't see them much anymore". See my point? I have nothing else to add because I feel that I am talking in circles and I'm sure no one else wants to hear what I have to say;) Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Why is it such a crime for a spouse to feel uncomfortable with certain friends, and to ask their spouse to respect them enough to ditch them!? Scary... Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool I don't know what the big hang up with people is about "friends" the bible says plainly "forsaking all others to be with his wife." Why is it such a crime for a spouse to feel uncomfortable with certain friends, and to ask their spouse to respect them enough to ditch them!? This is a difficult one April. As Arabess pointed out, the bible also talks about love and compassion and acceptance. It's OK to feel uncomfortable and ask for certain things, sure, but only to a point. Spouses also deserve freedom and respect, even if sometimes you don't agree with them. I don't think this is a black and white issue at all. And I do think anbush, you need to work on your own self esteem here, so you feel less insecure. Read some books on the subject, they are often very helpful, and will help you out in general. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Do you people not know anything about marriage?????? It's where two people become one flesh in the eyes of God. Aka, to God, you are one person. Now, quit saying, "It's not his problem, it's yours." That's so stupid. In a MARRIAGE, where 2=1, if a spouse has a problem, it's not theirs alone, it's HIS AND HERS. If your wife has a problem with something you do, then it is your responsibility to work together at making both spouses happy. Not saying I do this, mind you, I tried, but my husband is young and ignorant in marrital issues, as am I. P.S. If you love someone, you shouldn't just ignore something they have an issue with, you should do your darndest to make them feel better. When you marry someone, that is a commitment between you to love and live together forsaking family and whoever else gets in the way. Wives are supposed to come first, and when we don't, we get insecure. DUH. Husbands are supposed to come first too. that's why we wives take such pains to get over things such as porn that we are DELIRIOUSLY uncomfortable with. We try and compromise with, "Let's look at it together." but that doesn't always work. If she's uncomfortable with him visiting his friend, the she should go with him. If she's uncomfortable in his house, then he should respect her enough to not go as often, or not go at all. RULE OF THUMB. Don't go anywhere you wouldn't want your spouse to go with you, and don't do anything you wouldn't want your spouse to catch you doing. ONE PERSON, PEOPLE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Marriage is a partnership in life. Married poeple are partners: us against the world. I was feeling super insecure, just like anbush, go I asked my partner to help me with my self-esteem issues. Now, he compliments me more, and flirts with me more. I feel a lot better. If he would stop again, though, I'd probably be right back at square 1. I'm not worried he'll find someone better than me.....I know that there isn't any better than me. My grandmother always said, "If she can take him, I don't need him." That's how I try and look at it. I'm still insecure in myself, though.....People telling you you're dingy and stupid all the time will do that to you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Do you people not know anything about marriage Um. Yeah. Believe it or not, many of us are or have been married. Some even took premarital preparation courses. Which I wish everyone would do!!! It's where two people become one flesh in the eyes of God April, this does not mean that two people melt into a single human with identical likes, dislikes, and behaviours. It is supposed to mean they become a TEAM; a partnership which REQUIRES respect for one another as individuals. If your wife has a problem with something you do, then it is your responsibility to work together at making both spouses happy. And that's done through negotiation, not through one person winning totally at cost to the other person's wishes. If you love someone, you shouldn't just ignore something they have an issue with, you should do your darndest to make them feel better Sorry, wrong. Some people have issues of their own, which cause them to make utterly unreasonable demands on others. In this case, it is the demanding person who needs to do work on him/herself in order to be a reasonable partner. To demand that another kowtow to all one's problems is absolutely unfair - and completely unreasonable. That is not what marriage is. Don't go anywhere you wouldn't want your spouse to go with you, and don't do anything you wouldn't want your spouse to catch you doing Yes, that's a good rule. People should have integrity in their behaviour but that does not mean not having friends, just that one needs to be honest about the friendship and make sure both people know each other. I feel a lot better. If he would stop again, though, I'd probably be right back at square 1. That may be, but you need to learn to depend on your internal measure for self-esteem, not to expect others to create it or provide it for you. You give away your power to others when you do that, and then you are at the whim of everyone else. That's no way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Do you people not know anything about marriage Um. Yeah. Believe it or not, many of us are or have been married. Some even took premarital preparation courses. Which I wish everyone would do!!! You hadn't posted here yet; I wasn't talking to you. It's where two people become one flesh in the eyes of God April, this does not mean that two people melt into a single human with identical likes, dislikes, and behaviours. It is supposed to mean they become a TEAM; a partnership which REQUIRES respect for one another as individuals. Did I say they melt? Didn't think so. Did I call marriage a partnership? I thought so. If your wife has a problem with something you do, then it is your responsibility to work together at making both spouses happy. And that's done through negotiation, not through one person winning totally at cost to the other person's wishes. Did I say it's your duty to win? Nooooo. What did I say? I said, "it is your responsibility to work together at making both spouses happy. " If you love someone, you shouldn't just ignore something they have an issue with, you should do your darndest to make them feel better Sorry, wrong. Some people have issues of their own, which cause them to make utterly unreasonable demands on others. In this case, it is the demanding person who needs to do work on him/herself in order to be a reasonable partner. To demand that another kowtow to all one's problems is absolutely unfair - and completely unreasonable. That is not what marriage is. Ok, fine, the next time my husband has a problem with me, I'm going to ignore him, and tell him, "It's your problem, you deal with it." Funny, I used to care how he feels about me, and if he was being unreasonable, I'd reassure him, and if he was being reasonable, I'd try to be a better wife. Oh well, I'll change. Don't go anywhere you wouldn't want your spouse to go with you, and don't do anything you wouldn't want your spouse to catch you doing Yes, that's a good rule. People should have integrity in their behaviour... Thank you I feel a lot better. If he would stop again, though, I'd probably be right back at square 1. That may be, but you need to learn to depend on your internal measure for self-esteem, not to expect others to create it or provide it for you. You give away your power to others when you do that, and then you are at the whim of everyone else. That's no way to live. Duh....I need self-esteem, and it's not my husband's responsibilty to give it to me....but he's a good partner in that he is willing to help me feel better about myself. And by the way, my husband does have power over me, because I love him...he has the power to make me very happy, or very sad, depending on his mood.....sorry, but that's just how it is. I feel that love makes one at least a little vulnerable to the person they love. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 LoL @ Aprilfool's signature. I've seen something like it before... Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 I was wondering when someone would notice Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 My God Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Yeah, it's cute, her signature. Marriage is not an act of submission, it's an act of partnership. There's a difference between "working through" something, and "demanding" that they change for you. April, when you give examples of what marriage should be, you're speaking ideally. It is clear that your relationship is not ideal, because you both aren't working at it. Your husband is non-responsive, and you are obsessive. What do you want from us? Do you want us to claim you are right, and then voila, you win? What scruples do you have about seeing a marriage counseler? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 April, maybe there is someone in your church you and your husband could talk to? I think people here have lots of good advice. Kahil Gibran wrote in the prophet some very good lines on partnership, which mention how couples should stand close together, but not too close...because we all need our own bit of sun to grow! Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Do you people not know anything about marriage?????? It's where two people become one flesh in the eyes of God. Aka, to God, you are one person. Hunny hunny hunny..... you have been married a total of how many months?????? 9 i believe and your relationship consists so far (according to what i have read thru out ALL of your posts) of you having problems no attention to you, yelling at you, spending not enough time with you, doesnt like your breast size, makes you feel like crap about the few pounds you have gained, lying to you, calling you names like dingy and stupid, blowing up at you oh yah... and the doozy.... looking at porn.... and i can go on etc.... etc.... and you constantly retaliating back..... NOT seeking counselling/therapy and you have the nerve to ask US or anyone here if WE know about marriage?????? and why do i feel like im trying to get a point across with my teenaged daughter..... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Marriage is not an act of submission, it's an act of partnership. There's a difference between "working through" something, and "demanding" that they change for you. And if anyone crosses that line.....they can begin counting the days till they hear the famous "I need some space" line.....which means "Good bye". Submission is only applicable in the Bible when your spouse loves you more than he loves himself. It is not an excuse to put up with a pile of crap....nor should someone have to. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Marriage is not an act of submission, it's an act of partnership. There's a difference between "working through" something, and "demanding" that they change for you. I agree marriage is an act of partnership. In my situation, however, my partner is not being a very good one, and I make no demands on him. Where do you get that I do? I think if you want something from your spouse (like not looking at porn) then you should ask for it...otherwise, how will they know??? If they don't like that idea, they should have a conversation with you about it (not say, "OK" then do it behind your back) If she doesn't want him going to his friend's house, she should ask him not to. If he doesn't like that idea, I believe that they should talk about it until they come to a mutually benificial agreement of what can be done to make both parties happy..... I don't like porn, but my husband has proven to me that he's going to look any way. Therefore, I can get over it, or I can not. I've told him what I want, but he couldn't care less about how I feel about it. It's all about him. Maybe her husband isn't so selfish as to not budge an inch. I think I wouldn't mind porn, if he only looked with me, but he SNEAKS and peeks. April, when you give examples of what marriage should be, you're speaking ideally. It is clear that your relationship is not ideal, because you both aren't working at it. Your husband is non-responsive, and you are obsessive. What do you want from us? Do you want us to claim you are right, and then voila, you win? What scruples do you have about seeing a marriage counseler? Yes, ideally. You're right, we both aren't working at it....I tried, but he wouldn't...he'd just throw things. So to protect myself (emotionally and physically) I just don't tell him how I feel, and resent him for it. He did it, not me. What I want from you is an oportunity to talk. I have said I don't know HOW MANY TIMES, that I was raised to talk. If I had a problem in my family, we talked and talked and talked until everyone felt better. We ended up understanding each other better, and thus diminishing the problem, or we would change to better occomodate the family. My husband isn't like that, so rather than explode because I CANNOT get him to talk to me, I talk to you guys....and I always feel better. Loveshack serves it's purpose. And where do you get this "YOu win" crap????? Scruples? The reason I don't go to counselling is because I don't live at home with mommy and daddy with nothing but time to browse the internet. I have to work. I work until 5:30 every week day, then I go home to spend time with my husband until 9 when we go to bed. If I would take time to go to counselling, my husband and I would have little time together....our time together is small as it is. By the way, all the counsellors around here close their doors at 4 or 5! I am at work when they are open. Tell me when I'm supposed to go, and I might do it. Hunny hunny hunny..... you have been married a total of how many months?????? 9 i believe and your relationship consists so far (according to what i have read thru out ALL of your posts) of you having problems no attention to you, yelling at you, spending not enough time with you, doesnt like your breast size, makes you feel like crap about the few pounds you have gained, lying to you, calling you names like dingy and stupid, blowing up at you oh yah... and the doozy.... looking at porn.... and i can go on etc.... etc.... and you constantly retaliating back..... NOT seeking counselling/therapy and you have the nerve to ask US or anyone here if WE know about marriage?????? and why do i feel like im trying to get a point across with my teenaged daughter..... I may live in a difficult marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't know what it would take to make it a good one. Are you married? quote:Originally posted by dyermaker Marriage is not an act of submission, it's an act of partnership. There's a difference between "working through" something, and "demanding" that they change for you. And if anyone crosses that line.....they can begin counting the days till they hear the famous "I need some space" line.....which means "Good bye". Submission is only applicable in the Bible when your spouse loves you more than he loves himself. It is not an excuse to put up with a pile of crap....nor should someone have to. I don't know where you people get this junk you are throwing at me. I did not say anywhere, "demand that he stop going to his friends house." I did say I don't see the problem with a spouse expecting their S.O. to ditch some friends for them...sometimes that's just an issue of respect! She may be unreasonable, but I'm sure if her husband is a good one, if she went to him with her problems and insecurities, he would have no problem trying to help her feel better. I didn't say she should demand he not go see his friend. I think she should talk to her husband about how she feels. In an ideal world, talking it out would make both parties better. Link to post Share on other sites
Pregnant lurker Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 April, and the original poster, may I suggest a copy of the book "One Flesh". I forget the author. You can probably judge by the title that it is Christian oriented, but I gather from your posts that that should be ok with you. If you don't have time/money/desire for counselling, maybe you can at least read a book together. It is a study on Biblical principles in marriage, very simply explained and easy to understand. Unfortunately, I understand from your posts that it may be hard to get your spouses to read with you. But if you can, I bet the results will make you happier wives. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Tell me when I'm supposed to go, and I might do it. Lunch Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I may live in a difficult marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't know what it would take to make it a good one. Are you married? yes as well as seperated for 5 years. and? Link to post Share on other sites
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