dyermaker Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool I agree marriage is an act of partnership. In my situation, however, my partner is not being a very good one, and I make no demands on him. I would agree that your partner is not being a very good one. I'm sorry if you interpreted my statements as an attack on you personally. Why do you fight counseling? What is stopping you from going? Where do you get that I do? I think if you want something from your spouse (like not looking at porn) then you should ask for it...otherwise, how will they know??? If they don't like that idea, they should have a conversation with you about it (not say, "OK" then do it behind your back) I completely agree. I never justified your husband's lack of communication. If she doesn't want him going to his friend's house, she should ask him not to. If he doesn't like that idea, I believe that they should talk about it until they come to a mutually benificial agreement of what can be done to make both parties happy..... This is where you make your mistake. Marriage is NOT AN ACT OF SUBMISSION (I already said this). It's an act of partnership. Not every decision has to be made through the other person. A relationship in which the woman decides who her man can or cannot interact with is unhealthy. Therefore, I advised against it. I won't validate her control issues, just as I do not validate yours. It's all about him. Maybe her husband isn't so selfish as to not budge an inch. We can't go back and forth comparing a healthy marriage to your marriage. Your issues need to be worked out with a counsellor, or you will continue to be miserable. Not everyone needs this. Yes, ideally. You're right, we both aren't working at it....I tried, but he wouldn't...he'd just throw things. So to protect myself (emotionally and physically) I just don't tell him how I feel, and resent him for it. He did it, not me. What I want from you is an oportunity to talk. I have said I don't know HOW MANY TIMES, that I was raised to talk. If I had a problem in my family, we talked and talked and talked until everyone felt better. We ended up understanding each other better, and thus diminishing the problem, or we would change to better occomodate the family. My husband isn't like that, so rather than explode because I CANNOT get him to talk to me, I talk to you guys....and I always feel better. Loveshack serves it's purpose. Loveshack can help you, not your relationship. Solidarity, emotional support, anecdotes from other people's lives, they all can help you deal with your pain. But they won't stop the problems in your relationship. Is there a single member who has disagreed with the suggestion that you see a counselor? And where do you get this "YOu win" crap????? It was referring to the childlike way in which you deal with your issues, that you see each obstacle as something that needs to end in either victory or defeat. Don't talk to me about it, talk to your counselor, I'm sure it will come up. Scruples? The reason I don't go to counselling is because I don't live at home with mommy and daddy with nothing but time to browse the internet. I have to work. I work until 5:30 every week day, then I go home to spend time with my husband until 9 when we go to bed. If I would take time to go to counselling, my husband and I would have little time together....our time together is small as it is. By the way, all the counsellors around here close their doors at 4 or 5! I am at work when they are open. Tell me when I'm supposed to go, and I might do it. You are making excuses. You need to assess your life and decide what is more important to you. If you can't take a day off work, nothing is going to change. I can't make you go. Moimeme can't make you go. No one can make you go, only you can. If you wanted to, you would find a way to value what's important to you most. I may live in a difficult marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't know what it would take to make it a good one. Are you married? While we're personally adressing each other's situation, If I were married, as you know I am not, I'd know what to do. I'd communicate with my partner. If that didn't work, I'd seek counseling. My own personal marital experience has no relevance to the situation. You can say, Oh, Dyermaker's fifteen, and Moimeme is divorced, so their advice can't help me. I did say I don't see the problem with a spouse expecting their S.O. to ditch some friends for them...sometimes that's just an issue of respect! She may be unreasonable, but I'm sure if her husband is a good one, if she went to him with her problems and insecurities, he would have no problem trying to help her feel better. You have a delusion that a husband's role is to validate his wife's nueroses. There is no respect in control. She has came to him with her troubles, and her husband feels as if she's unreasonable. I agree with him, you agree with her. I'm tired of being resented because we disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I'm tired of being resented because we disagree. Get used to it, friend Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool The reason I don't go to counselling is because I don't live at home with mommy and daddy with nothing but time to browse the internet. I have to work. I work until 5:30 every week day, then I go home to spend time with my husband until 9 when we go to bed. If I would take time to go to counselling, my husband and I would have little time together....our time together is small as it is. By the way, all the counsellors around here close their doors at 4 or 5! I am at work when they are open. Tell me when I'm supposed to go, and I might do it. April, I don't live at home with mummy and daddy either! Neither do most people on here. And my partner works longer hours than I do, and yet we found a counsellor who would see us after hours, or at lunch and we made the effort to go. You want quality time with your husband? Then do stuff to help make the time you do have together better, and less volatile. I know you vent on here, but you vent a lot, which suggests there are real problems going on that should not be ignored. I'm sure you can discount my advice too, knowing I am also dealing with relationship issues. But I am DEALING with them. And, no I dont think your husband is a saint by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool I don't know where you people get this junk you are throwing at me. Actually, I was responding to Dyer's post and the original poster.....not you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 This is certainly a heated debate. I personally have never had a problem with pornography. It doesn't bother me because I realize that it's all over. Be glad you don't live in Europe. Maybe he doesn't even notice the porn. I mean, he could go to get his car fixed and there could be porn all over the mechanic's office. Just becuase his friends look at porn doesn't mean that he essentially does. If he does then that's a whole different ball game. Even if he does, it's not a big enough deal to ruin friendships/marriages over. I can see why some of you ladies would equate it with cheating, but it's totally different. I don't think they even lust after these girls. I mean, they're just a form of amusement to them. It's one thing to stare at another woman who is real, it's another thing to stare at a woman on a piece of paper. I've seen guys draw little animations of women and do their thing to those. They're with you and they love you for more than just your looks or your sex appeal and sometimes I think you need to reminde youself of that. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I was in a similar situation when I got married with you. My husband had some friends that were really wild out there (people I didn't meet until we got married), and he still wanted to hang out with them. They would have parties, have strippers over and make jokes at my husband because he wasn't down with that. Some people just don't have respect for other people relationships. And if that were the case with your husband and his frat brother, I would be concern as well. However, since you mention that all of your relationships ended in infidelity, you need to heal from those relationships, and realize that your husband is not those men, even if he may do some things alittle familiar with them. Therefore, he should be treated as innocent (trustworthy) until proven guilty. But work on your jealousy, and once you realize that you can successfully move on from after a bad breakup, you would not fear infidelity as much. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 My husband has already told me that he's not going to go to councelling with me. He works out of town 15 hours a day, and couldn't even if we tried. I might be able to get out of the office long enough to drive the 20 minuts to a councelor, talk to them 20 minutes, then drive back the 20 minutes, but what's the point? She is just going to listen to me talk, like you guys do, and charge me $40 to do it. We don't have that kind of money. And as for quote:If she doesn't want him going to his friend's house, she should ask him not to. If he doesn't like that idea, I believe that they should talk about it until they come to a mutually benificial agreement of what can be done to make both parties happy..... :end quote This is where you make your mistake. Marriage is NOT AN ACT OF SUBMISSION (I already said this). It's an act of partnership. Not every decision has to be made through the other person. A relationship in which the woman decides who her man can or cannot interact with is unhealthy. Therefore, I advised against it. I won't validate her control issues, just as I do not validate yours. quote: What's wrong with asking your partner not to visit his buddy...if you have valid reasons. If I came to my husband, and said, "Honey, I'd rather you not to to Seth's house so much, because I get lonely here all by myself..." I'm sure he'd either say, "Ok, I'll try to stay home more." or, "But I've always went to visit him, and I don't think it would be right if I stopped, just because I got married." Now, either response is fine. Now that I see where he stands, I can decide a course of action. Let's say he's going with the later response. I can now say, "Well, can I come with you?" or come up with another excuse, such as, "I don't like it when you go over there, because he's always got girls over there, and it makes me insecure." Then he would respond by saying, "Don't be silly, I don't even see those girls....you are the only woman I'm interested in...I thought you knew that." Now, the conversation could end with her being rassured of his feelings. What's wrong with asking your spouse to give up something he/she likes to do, because you are uncomfortable with it? I don't see anything wrong with it. Nothing wrong with asking. As I clearly stated above, how will your spouse know that you are unhappy, or that you want something, unless you ask for it? I never said, "Demand that he stay home!" She can ask...he can say no....they can discuss it, and he will get to know her better, because she talked to him, and she will get to know him better too. Nothing wrong with asking. Asking is not demanding. Asking is not making one spouse submissive. And by the way......I think that I'M the one who started in with the "marriage is a partnership." Don't preach my own words to me. And don't preach stuff to me that I didn't even say....I never said submission.....I didn't even know how to spell it until I read your post Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Hey April, I know my reply is a bit OT..but what about you guys talking to someone in your church about your issues? Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Well, quite frankly he doesn't go with me...I go alone. He used to go when we dated, but now he doesn't, and I don't blame him with his job...he never gets any free time. Quite more frankly, I don't like the idea of discussing that, "Oh, my husband looks at porn" with my PASTOR. AND IF I could ever get my husband to come back to church with me, I wouldn't want the Pastor to have prejudged him. Nope, don't think that's a good idea Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool Well, quite frankly he doesn't go with me...I go alone. He used to go when we dated, but now he doesn't, and I don't blame him with his job...he never gets any free time. Quite more frankly, I don't like the idea of discussing that, "Oh, my husband looks at porn" with my PASTOR. AND IF I could ever get my husband to come back to church with me, I wouldn't want the Pastor to have prejudged him. Nope, don't think that's a good idea Ok then...maybe you should still get counselling alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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