My wife wants a 2nd child, I don't

[jonno]

So she' 34, I'm 35, we have a boy who's 2 and he is the greatest little thing around. Here's the dilemma:

 

I have been laid off, and we are living off of her salary. It's now really enough to cover the bills. We are perpetually late on car payments, mortgage, etc. We are barely able to keep decent food in the fridge lately. (We used to live with no problem before the layoff) We still owe the hospital several thousand dollars from complications from her last pregnancy.

 

Now she says the money is no big deal and a baby won't cost that much, but I am adamant that now is no time to have a baby. But she is getting too old to think about putting it off.

 

I am going to school to get a degree to prevent this (layoff) from being a problem again. We really can't afford this, but she keeps taking the view that we just do it and it will all work out.

 

Tell me some of your experiences. I think she'll resent me forever if we don;t have another child.

 

Besides, I really didn't enjoy all the baby raising part, I am happy with my toddler, but don't really want to go through the baby phase again.

 

Am I thoughtless and selfish?

[CarrieT]

Am I thoughtless and selfish?

 

Sounds like you are being very thoughtful. If you aren't working, than bringing another baby into your life will only add more stress to a stressful situation.

 

But it sounds as though even if you were working, you don't want to go through the Baby Phase again and there lies the bigger picture. You and your wife have a big struggle ahead of you if you adamantly never want another child and she does. Some form of happy medium is going to be hard to find.

[SouthernSunshine]

Oh gosh, you're thinking logically while she's letting her emotions lead the way. I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to wish you the best! Good luck!

[norajane]

How much longer will you be in school, and how long will it take you to find a job afterward? Perhaps if you could lay out a time line for her on when it would be a good time for the next baby, it would ease her concerns. Having a plan might be enough for now.

 

Regarding having a second child, are you opposed to having a second child altogether, or do you just dislike the baby-stage? Those are two different issues.

[Chrome Barracuda]

i think you should get on your feet first then have a baby.

[Lizzie60]

She's only 34.. she still has a few years...

How long will you be in school?

Can you get a part-time job while you're in school.

 

I agree with her that a second child is not as 'expensive' as the first one.. but once she has to go back to work... it will cost twice as much for the babysitter..

[boogieboy]

Have you sat with her and wrote out together how much the bills will be that you cant afford? Maybe that might make a small dent in her emotions that are causing her to be so baby hungry.

 

There have to be other influences that are making her baby crazy besides her age...for ex:

her friends

sibling for your kid

parents pressuring her

hormones running amuk

 

Every time she brings it up you have to go over all of these things again, and you have to push your logic to make her see that its not a good idea to make a baby now. Even if you have to keep pressing the same thing, you have to push past her emotions until she sees your point. Dont have a baby just because you couldnt compete with her emotions.

 

or you can sneak off and get a vasectomy. Or keep pulling out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I agree with sitting down with her and going through your budget. Write down in one column your income. In the second column, write down your regular monthly expenses. In the third column, write down your monthly debt bill amounts. Tally everything up, and show her how much money is left over (if any) at the end of each month. Estimate how much expenses go toward your child, and then estimate how much would go toward a second child. It will be in stark black and white that there is literally not enough money to support a second child.

 

I know what it is like to go through baby fever. It seems that no amount of debt or shortcomings really compensate for how happy you think another baby will make you. Until, of course you sit down and literally chart out the expenses and see for yourself that there is no money there - none. Money won't magically appear and make 'everything all right'.

 

She may need to see a bottom line number there showing literally that there is nothing there to support a second child. You can argue logistics all day, but when that number is written down and there is no way to fudge the number it can be a real dose of reality.

[norajane]

I wonder if there is more to it. I wonder if his wife suspects that his real or underlying reasons for demurring are not entirely financial, but that he doesn't want a second child at any point in time, even if they can afford it. That's a much bigger discussion, and the OP needs to be clear on what he's arguing against.

[Joe Normal]

Finances aren't a good reason to not have kids. If our ancestors only reproduced when they were financially secure, most of us wouldn't be around today.

[carhill]

Tell me, OP, do you owe more on your house than it's worth?

 

While I love children dearly, and would give most anything to have one, I can't imagine purposely bringing one into the kind of stress and chaos which surely must be features of your current lives.

 

IMO, and the women won't like to hear this, it's your time to lead as a man. Take responsibility and accept that it might and probably will be received negatively. Anything else is irresponsible. That's my opinion.

[doublescorpio]

Finances aren't a good reason to not have kids. If our ancestors only reproduced when they were financially secure, most of us wouldn't be around today.

 

I absolutely agree with this 100%. It tells us something about how we have changes as a society, in terms of our priorities.

[Lizzie60]

Finances aren't a good reason to not have kids. If our ancestors only reproduced when they were financially secure, most of us wouldn't be around today.

 

 

Our ancestors lived off the farm (in most cases)... we cannot compare the lifestyle of our ancestors to our lifestyle now... it's just not comparable.. and not feasible.. so finances ARE a big deal in having kids in 2010.. sorry.. I have to disagree here..

[linwood]

Finances aren't a good reason to not have kids. If our ancestors only reproduced when they were financially secure, most of us wouldn't be around today.

 

I disagree.

 

Having a child you cannot afford is the height of irresponsibility.

[Eve]

So she' 34, I'm 35, we have a boy who's 2 and he is the greatest little thing around. Here's the dilemma:

 

I have been laid off, and we are living off of her salary. It's now really enough to cover the bills. We are perpetually late on car payments, mortgage, etc. We are barely able to keep decent food in the fridge lately. (We used to live with no problem before the layoff) We still owe the hospital several thousand dollars from complications from her last pregnancy.

 

Now she says the money is no big deal and a baby won't cost that much, but I am adamant that now is no time to have a baby. But she is getting too old to think about putting it off.

 

I am going to school to get a degree to prevent this (layoff) from being a problem again. We really can't afford this, but she keeps taking the view that we just do it and it will all work out.

 

Tell me some of your experiences. I think she'll resent me forever if we don;t have another child.

 

Besides, I really didn't enjoy all the baby raising part, I am happy with my toddler, but don't really want to go through the baby phase again.

 

Am I thoughtless and selfish?

 

If you were not already in debt then maybe it could work because you should have more time at home because of studying. I mean, courses are rarely full-time 9 -5. So with a reduced need for childcare then.. perhaps. Especially if family could help out with the care of the children whilst you are studying..

 

Role reversals work for many. It would just be a case of you taking the lead on raising the children for a while until you are qualified - whilst your Wife goes out to work. The tightening of belts would have to be done.. or you get part-ime work in the evenings or something.

 

.. But you have said that you dont like the baby bit and dont even want another kid so the answer is a clear no really.

 

You would have to commit to a lot in order to pull this off and it sounds like you just want to study and stabilse things firstly before having another child.

 

What is interesting is many women make the above arrangement work for them. Why should you being the primary carer not work for your family?

 

I dont think your Wife will like what you have to say if you say no. It could come across as though you dont want to do any of the hard stuff and will only participate if things are clearly in your favour.

 

I hope I understood your situation correctly.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Joe Normal]

I disagree.

 

Having a child you cannot afford is the height of irresponsibility.

 

Making humans extinct by failing to reproduce is far more irresponsible. Everyone who doesn't have 2 kids grow to 18 is effectively taking part in the long-term eradication of our species.

 

Almost everyone is capable of working harder, earning more, and saving more by cutting back on non-essentials. Definitely enough to afford a kid - kids don't cost much, after all. Even a mere 100 years ago, it was common to have families with 5 or even 10 kids, often they were poor, and there was no welfare state so they got no handouts from the taxpayer. So it is quite possible to have half a dozen kids as a poor person without relying on other people's financial largesse.

Edited April 18, 2010 by Joe Normal

[Joe Normal]

She's only 34.. she still has a few years...

 

That means she'll be 55 by the time her kid graduates. Some women become infertile by the mid to late 30s. What if she waits 2-3 years on your advice, then can't meet a suitable guy for a year, then isn't able to conceive? In 5, 10, 20 years she'll still not have that kid - but the "finances" that apply now will be a distant forgotten memory.

[Joe Normal]

Tell me, OP, do you owe more on your house than it's worth?

 

While I love children dearly, and would give most anything to have one, I can't imagine purposely bringing one into the kind of stress and chaos which surely must be features of your current lives.

 

By that logic, no one would have had any kids during WWI, WWII, or at any time in the ancient world.

[carhill]

We no longer live in that type of environment and have that type of mentality. All I have to do is look around me, literally, and see the farm workers breeding like lab rats to see the results of reproductive imperatives and their effects on my wallet. I stand firm on the ground of ethical and financial responsibility and will not ever, ever, spend one cent of my hard earned living on people who breed indescriminately without concept of responsibility or respect for their fellow humans. I have a hole in the back forty for such animals and a tractor to fill it

[norajane]

Making humans extinct by failing to reproduce is far more irresponsible. Everyone who doesn't have 2 kids grow to 18 is effectively taking part in the long-term eradication of our species.

 

Considering that the world population in 1900 was $1.65 billion, and it is now $6.8 billion, we hardly seem in danger of extinction. We've added almost $1B people in the last 10 years alone.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population#Population_growth_tables

[linwood]

Making humans extinct by failing to reproduce is far more irresponsible. Everyone who doesn't have 2 kids grow to 18 is effectively taking part in the long-term eradication of our species.

 

This is utterly ridiculous.

 

The worlds population has exploded to the point of unsustainability in the last 50 years.

 

The danger to our species lies in overpopulation not underpopulation.

 

Almost everyone is capable of working harder, earning more, and saving more by cutting back on non-essentials.

 

Certainly, but not everyone wants to work harder.

I`ve been working hard for decades even harder since forming my family ten years ago.

I am now looking forward to working less not more.

If someone comes to this conclusion earlier in life than I did then more power to them.

 

 

Definitely enough to afford a kid - kids don't cost much, after all.

 

This is also ridiculous.

The cost of raising a child in our society is very expensive.

 

This calculator breaks down the expense by category (Housing clothing food etc..)

The cost for my youngest child from birth to 18 is estimated at $250,000

http://www.babycenter.com/cost-of-raising-child-calculator

 

Even a mere 100 years ago, it was common to have families with 5 or even 10 kids, often they were poor, and there was no welfare state so they got no handouts from the taxpayer. So it is quite possible to have half a dozen kids as a poor person without relying on other people's financial largesse.

 

Ridiculous again.

 

Alot of things were "common" 100 years ago.

The vast majority of these things I`m thrilled are now gone from our culture.

 

OP stand firm with your wife.

 

You`re thinking responsibly.

[tigereyes1428]

how long before you can get an income? nine months of pregnancy followed by at least 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding -what would you need to spend on a 2nd child? surely there is a compromise - i dont believe its right for a child to be an only child - its far better to have a sibling - in my opinion anyway. however its best for you to both want another baby or there will forever be resentment. i honestly believe the money thing no to be such a big deal for a 2nd child as you rarely need to buy much - plus time is not on her side - woman cannot take that for granted and if you delay too long and she cant conceive - i personally would find that unforgiveable, plus risks to baby increase with mothers age. - good luck

[Peaceful Guy]

Besides, I really didn't enjoy all the baby raising part, I am happy with my toddler, but don't really want to go through the baby phase again.

 

Am I thoughtless and selfish?

 

yes.

 

I have been laid off, and we are living off of her salary. It's now really enough to cover the bills. We are perpetually late on car payments, mortgage, etc. We are barely able to keep decent food in the fridge lately. (We used to live with no problem before the layoff) We still owe the hospital several thousand dollars from complications from her last pregnancy.

 

Am I thoughtless and selfish?

 

no.

 

Now she says the money is no big deal and a baby won't cost that much, but I am adamant that now is no time to have a baby. But she is getting too old to think about putting it off.

 

I am going to school to get a degree to prevent this (layoff) from being a problem again. We really can't afford this, but she keeps taking the view that we just do it and it will all work out.

 

the money is a big deal. and i think you have a pretty good idea of what it will cost to have a baby, having just had one. however, i think you should spend just about all your time and energy trying to figure out how to make it work.

 

p.s. school at this point is not necessarily the answer as you are already in your 30's.. at least not to this problem.

[Peaceful Guy]

Eventually you'll find that having kids in first place was a big mistake.

 

seeee mom and dad, its your fault!