Is it wrong to believe that EVERYONE cheats?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey all,

 

at the moment, I am perfectly happy being single. I have my moments but overall I feel strong, confident and really, really happy. My friends and family are so amazing; they give me all the love, acceptance, laughs and affection I need at the moment.

 

HOWEVER, i've realised in finding this solo happiness and distancing from 'relationship happiness', i'm finding reasons to put myself off of relationships. I have always felt that relationships were pointless in the face of lust and temptation and the fact that most people have such weak self-control but now I feel it even STRONGER. I've seen a plethora of male and female friends, family members etc being cheated on.

 

Is this faulty thinking? Or is it just the harsh fact of life people hide from? I think saying people don't cheat is really naive. I think most do. A select few don't for different reasons. But I honestly believe most people DO. Is this wrong of me to think? Is it dangerous?

[CarrieT]

I'm in the same boat as you. I have been cheated on and despite being a fairly promiscuous person, I have never been the cheater.

 

I do know a lot of people who have not cheated, but it certainly has made me very wary of getting involved with anyone.

 

Reading these sites has taught me a bit more how a guy thinks and it scares me to even consider dating.

[always_searching]

I don't think everyone cheats, but everyone has the potential to cheat.

 

We are human--we meet people we are attracted to and we either act on it or we don't, regardless of whether we're with someone.

 

I've always said I would not be surprised if my (future) husband cheated. I doubt I would, but I never say "never". I also doubt that I'll ever get married...

 

Anyway, again: not all people cheat, but anyone could cheat given the right (or "wrong", depending on your point of view) circumstances.

[Nikki Sahagin]

So, assuming that we are correct in saying a lot of people cheat, or have the capacity too, isn't a relationship really battling against the tide?

 

Its quite likely you will get cheated on. If not cheated on, you will be lied to, or they will flirt with other people etc etc.

 

I may at the moment just be really offput by the behaviour of my ex but rather than feeling 'traumatised' I feel like i'm seeing the TRUTH, the real reality, rather than the lovey dovey, goggly eyed, loved up view. Now that i'm NOT in love I can see the bull rather than naively deny it because i'm head over heels, and thats really liberating.

 

I just think...i'd rather be single and find happiness through my wonderful family and great friends and travel and hobbies and animals than invest in a relationship where the other person will not share my self-control or level of respect for the relationship.

 

Its just the fact that cheating is SO common, even just in a small social circle that throws me for a loop.

[carhill]

Emotionally and/or physically unfaithful once in their lives? Probably not wrong, though folks will argue the nuances.

 

Serially and habitually? IMO, more 'wrong'. Probably mostly wrong.

 

Will they cheat on *you*? I guess you have to trust yourself enough to accept the possibility and act on that acceptance in a healthy way. Choosing and being with a compatible partner will reinforce that trust and acceptance.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Emotionally and/or physically unfaithful once in their lives? Probably not wrong, though folks will argue the nuances.

 

Serially and habitually? IMO, more 'wrong'. Probably mostly wrong.

 

Will they cheat on *you*? I guess you have to trust yourself enough to accept the possibility and act on that acceptance in a healthy way. Choosing and being with a compatible partner will reinforce that trust and acceptance.

 

You always give great advice Carhill. I think I almost have a 'phobia' of being cheated on as I am very proud.

[2sunny]

You always give great advice Carhill. I think I almost have a 'phobia' of being cheated on as I am very proud.

 

it's really not about you. it's about them - the person doing the cheating.

 

a defect in character? probably... entitlement? ego? never happy or think they have enough?

 

i get tripped up too - thinking that someone i date has the same moral compass that i have... that is a big mistake as most do not.

 

at this point i need to decide if it's worth the emotional investment to even have hope that a man could be decent while dating him. how much am i willing to believe? i certainly never believe words until actions match what he says.

 

does that make me reluctant - you bet it does... i am trying to be realistic - and hopeful at the same time - that there are still a few of the good men around.

 

i am a patient gal... so i wait...

[sally4sara]

I don't think it is necessarily wrong to think that, but it could be a thought that you might turn to to justify your own cheating in the future.

 

"why shouldn't I cheat? Everyone cheats so why not me too?"

 

Thinking it doesn't make it fact.

[threebyfate]

Nikki, there's something about LS that attracts people who've been involved in some kind of cheating triangle, whether it's the cheater, the cheatee or the other person.

 

With this in mind, I wouldn't rely on what you see on this site as a microcosm of the real world. For that matter, the membership is like night and day to the people who are close to me in real life.

 

On an unrelated site, I threw up an anonymous poll asking people about cheating. 63% have never cheated. So you can either consider your cup 63% full or you can consider it 37% empty. Your choice, your life.

[paleblue]

its not wrong to believe that everyone cheats... but at the same time you have to remember that not everyone does. i do think its more common than we all would like to admit/believe in society.

 

and i dont think its wrong of you to wonder about cheating going on. its smart. its realizing the potential reality of the situation. nothing wrong with looking out for yourself a little

[Nikki Sahagin]

I don't think it is necessarily wrong to think that, but it could be a thought that you might turn to to justify your own cheating in the future.

 

"why shouldn't I cheat? Everyone cheats so why not me too?"

 

Thinking it doesn't make it fact.

 

I promise i'd never justfiy my own cheating by 'other' peoples, i'm faithful completely and very proud of that fact

[EmperorR]

ive been cheated on 3 times in a row.

 

Worst thing every time i entered these relationships "i've never cheated in my life I can't respect people who do". Worst thing last two females I dated KNEW how i was in the pit for months because of my ex fiance and they did the same thing.

 

 

Cowards I TELL YOU

[dreamingoftigers]

I promise i'd never justfiy my own cheating by 'other' peoples, i'm faithful completely and very proud of that fact

 

 

Me too, but i know the feeling. I just feel like everyone is out there getting laid but me.

[RobM]

I promise i'd never justfiy my own cheating by 'other' peoples, i'm faithful completely and very proud of that fact

 

I think you just answered you own question, not everyone cheats, unless you believe that you're the only person in the whole that doesn't cheat.

[zebracolors]

Me too, but i know the feeling. I just feel like everyone is out there getting laid but me.

 

Not everyone!

 

Nikki, I think it would be wrong to think EVERYONE cheats if you're thinking that just BECAUSE you've been cheated on in the past. Not everyone is going to, and if you've put yourself off relationships based on the remotest possibility that the next person you date, is going to cheat on you, you may be alone a long time.

 

If you ever want to get back into dating down the road, maybe don't ask about their past. I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy being single, I agree no one really needs to be in a relationship to survive. But love is a basic human craving. We love feeling accepted and validated. Just have to take a chance sometimes.

[grogster]

Of course not everyone cheats. The potential for infidelity, however, exists in every sexually active person.

 

While you can minimize the risk of infidelity, you cannot absolutely preclude cheating--especially in a very long term relationship--short of handcuffing yourself to your lover/spouse 24/7.

 

By the way, this is the way of the world, and not just the morally damaged individuals inhabiting the Shack.

[Lizzie60]

I don't think you're wrong... I think that MOST people cheat.. especially men... and I think ALL would if they had the opportunity and if they knew for sure that they would never get caught..

 

Some people will never cheat.. because they will never get an AP..

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think you're wrong... I think that MOST people cheat.. especially men... and I think ALL would if they had the opportunity and if they knew for sure that they would never get caught..

 

Some people will never cheat.. because they will never get an AP..

 

I have had the opportunity for APs. I do not cheat because I realize that when I am tempted to that it means something is wrong in my relationship. If there is something wrong in my relationship, then cheating will not only not fix it, but it will make it worse if not untenable. It doesn't matter if my partner is a cheater, he would only be robbing himself of the opportunity to fix any relationship problems.

 

I love my H. That comes with a high cost sometimes. That does not mean I will give up my personal integrity for a pathetic little romp. Talk about the small picture.

[threebyfate]

Of course not everyone cheats. The potential for infidelity, however, exists in every sexually active person.

 

While you can minimize the risk of infidelity, you cannot absolutely preclude cheating--especially in a very long term relationship--short of handcuffing yourself to your lover/spouse 24/7.

 

By the way, this is the way of the world, and not just the morally damaged individuals inhabiting the Shack.

There are no absolutes when it comes to human behaviour and in this instance, cheating or not cheating.

 

But one thing that always staggers me is why it's so difficult for individuals to believe that there are people in life who have never cheated and will never cheat, due to their core values and for some of us, in combination with experiences.

 

Why is it so difficult to believe that some view cheating as a behaviour that's just not acceptable for themselves? For myself, I tie fidelity into my self-worth. I'd never stoop so low. The same holds true for many of my friends and family. This honestly isn't to put down anyone who's cheated before but to emphasize why some of us haven't and will never cheat. For that matter, some of us haven't ever been OWs, with the same premise holding true.

 

But for certain, LS is over-represented when it comes to cheating and affair triangles. Google pointed the way for most of us.

[teanoranges]

This topic is so interesting to me. haha.

I've never cheated. I've never thought of cheating. Just not in my nature (yet?) I take pride in it. My 'role models' are actually the few species of animals that mate for life. *swoon*

 

That being said.. you really have to define cheating. There's some people out there that don't consider kissing cheating... or maybe 'kissing/fooling with someone of the same gender(if you're straight. vice versa if not) or you get my drift... where that came from, personally I'll never know.

Then there's the non-cheaters, who'll call their SO and break up when they are about to cheat just so they aren't cheating... are they cheaters? technically, no?

My ex would go on 'breaks' with me (at least 4 times) and he was sexual with people 2 or 3 of those times... I didn't learn of this until later! I consider it as cheating in a sense.

He also told me he cheated on his ex.. AFTER he lied to me a year ago at the time that she cheated on him!! Disgusting.

 

But going another way, you really have to know for yourself. Not everyone has values the same. Cheating may not be a bad thing for some people... but a human instinct that can't be controlled. Humans aren't a species that mate for life, maybe it isn't in out make-up to be faithful?

We've become a very pleasure based, selfish society.. all we can do to get money and sex, right?

I'm a very sexual person with a partner, but without one I really have no need of sex at all.. meaningless sex has never been worth anything to me.

That's a big difference for most people I've met.

 

On a closing note, I've met an even amount of cheaters and non-cheaters..

I've also met non-cheaters who've met one person who they said they'd cheat on their SO with... but didn't get the opp.

 

Dont know if all this was worth anything... but I like this discussion.

[jlr]

No, not EVERYONE cheats.

I certainly don't.

I know how much that **** hurts.

 

It's one thing to be in a relationship and think someone else is hot or something. But it's another thing when you act on that impulse.

 

I consider cheaters to be the lowest of the low.

 

My first girlfriend, this was years ago, cheated on me. With several guys at once (yes, intercourse). It ****ed my head up, and there's still lingering bits of it sometimes. It was a ****ed up situation. Sad thing is, I took her back for a while, and then finally came to my senses. I was like 18 at the time. I'm 28 now.

 

As much pain as there is with my last GF, who I was with for 5 years and lived with, there was no infidelity on either side. Our problems were just stupid relationship issues

 

So no, not everyone cheats.

 

And to answer someones post on the definition of cheating - I consider kissing to be cheating, yes. Absoultely.

[Lizzie60]

People..people... 'I will NEVER cheat'... this is soooo easy to say.. when you're in your 20s and have never been in a long relationship...

 

Honestly... come back in 20 years and I bet you won't have the same idea of 'cheating'...

[Pyro]

People..people... 'I will NEVER cheat'... this is soooo easy to say.. when you're in your 20s and have never been in a long relationship...

 

Honestly... come back in 20 years and I bet you won't have the same idea of 'cheating'...

 

just like its so easy for you to say that most guys will cheat. Surrounding yourself by those type would make you think that way.

 

Honestly....come back when you meet a guy who isn't married.

 

On topic: no not all guys cheat. Some of us have self control.

[skydiveaddict]

I never cheat. that's just how I roll

[thepulse27]

I don't think there is a remotely straightforward answer to this. And I think people on both sides who simplify things are either being naive or stubborn.

 

I think we all have the potential to, and we will all feel the urge or desire to at some point. Whether we do or not depends on so many different factors.

 

I believe there are some people who never cheat and never will, just as I believe there are people who will always stray if the opportunity presents itself. But like anything else there are the rest of us who live somewhere in between. Some of us who have never cheated, will. And some of us who have cheated before, will stop.

 

I have cheated in the past. I never will again. Someone said earlier that it was tied into their sense of self worth, this is how it is for me now, but it wasn't always the case - it's something I've learned. One way or another self esteem almost always comes into it, either urging you not to cheat so to be the person you want to be, no matter how strong the temptation, or urging you to find self worth and satisfaction in how many mates you can attract.

 

I don't think completely faithful relationships are impossible, but I also agree with the people here who said that cheating is more common than most people think.

 

I can see why many people get jaded by this. And the first time it happens to you does wash away a lot of the lovey-dovey, butterflies and sunshine, hollywood dream of love that we had growing up. Love isn't perfect, and even with love you can have infidelity. I think as well as being happy with their partner, both parties have to believe that the relationship is worth all of the work that comes with it, and that includes resisting temptation, and showing restraint during the short periods when someone else genuinely seems like the better choice.