Is it wrong to believe that EVERYONE cheats?

[make me believe]

We all know logically that of course not everybody cheats or will cheat in their lifetime. But sometimes it can be hard to believe that if you're surrounded by stories and examples of people cheating. When I look at my friends and acquaintances, most of them have cheated or been cheated on. Even I have cheated in the past. (Never been cheated on as far as I know.) It's hard to see that and not be affected by it, and it can definitely lead to depressing thoughts. I also read quite a bit on LS that willingness to cheat is defined by opportunity (like Lizzie's post above). That scares me and can lead to some paranoid thinking.

 

Honestly, I think the majority of people have or will cheat eventually. I don't like to think that I am jaded when it comes to relationships, and I don't think that *everyone* will cheat.... but most people probably will at least once in their life. And most of those people will probably learn from it and it will be a one time only thing. I don't think very many people are habitual cheaters.

 

I have cheated in the past. I never will again. Someone said earlier that it was tied into their sense of self worth, this is how it is for me now, but it wasn't always the case - it's something I've learned.

 

This is true for me as well. I cheated on my ex and I regret it so much. At the time it was because I was "torn" between him and a guy I dated briefly while we were broken up. Of course it all seemed very passionate at the time and I justified it in my head in many different ways. But really it was just cruel and selfish of me. I would NEVER stoop so low again, but unfortunately I had to learn that lesson the hard way and hurt people in the process.

[jlr]

just like its so easy for you to say that most guys will cheat. Surrounding yourself by those type would make you think that way.

 

Honestly....come back when you meet a guy who isn't married.

 

On topic: no not all guys cheat. Some of us have self control.

 

Agreed!!!!

[ADF]

Cheating is certainly common, but it isn't universal. Not everyone cheats.

[mickleb]

People..people... 'I will NEVER cheat'... this is soooo easy to say.. when you're in your 20s and have never been in a long relationship...

 

Honestly... come back in 20 years and I bet you won't have the same idea of 'cheating'...

 

Yep. This is the statement that smacks of the greatest naivety/ignorance, to me, on here.

 

(Bet you've never been called naive before, eh Lizzie?! )

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

Well I suppose when I say, i'd never cheat, I don't KNOW that for sure. I never HAVE cheated but my longest relationship was only two years. If we had been together 20 years who is to say? I suppose I am so suspicious of other peoples fidelity because although I am faithful in practise, I know I can get tempted and will be tempted and that alone makes me doubt relationships, because its like everyone being tempted...and just ignoring it. Maybe i'm just young and need to grow up, but I just think its incredibly hard. Even if you are 100% loyal, your partner might not be.

 

Funny thing is, I haven't been cheated on but I have had my trust broken. I guess my issue is with trust rather than infidelity. I know that people lie. I don't think i'm going to be 'one of the lucky ones' and even if I was, I would be doubting them anyway.

 

Its lucky at the minute i'm so happy being single. I'd be hell to be in a relationship with!

[Nikki Sahagin]

I feel the EXACT same way, I'm basically the Male version of you....

I just don't trust women

 

Lets hook up haha what a nightmare that'd be!

[2sure]

Fidelity...I have learned is about a lot more than not having sex with someone else, or even an inappropriate emotional relationship .

 

Fidelity is emotional honesty, openness , and transparency.

 

Without those things....Infidelity/betrayal are just waiting to happen in one form or another.

 

So - if I were to begin another serious relationship...

I would not focus or be concerned with whether I or my partner would "cheat" with someone else....

I would focus on my own and his ability & comfort level with being truly emotionally honest, open, and transparent. If you find a relationship with these priorities...theres your guy.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Very good answer 2sure.

 

Me and my ex were both pretty closed in our relationship. When we were friends we talked about EVERYTHING. I caught him in a couple of lies, and then we both put walls up, rather than even discussing the issue.

 

Very good point you made though. I think its hard to cut through to that when most people, especially of my age, and including me most of the time, have walls, guards and facades.

[thepulse27]

I suppose I am so suspicious of other peoples fidelity because although I am faithful in practise, I know I can get tempted and will be tempted and that alone makes me doubt relationships, because its like everyone being tempted...and just ignoring it.

 

 

To me this is the problem with your perspective. It isn't wrong to be tempted. Lust, sexual attraction and the desire for validation are natural, and are in all of us. No man is going to make you oblivious to everyone else out there, but one might make the rest of them worth ignoring. I think the first stage of a relationship (chemical love, honeymoon phase, movie love, whatever you wanna call it) gives us the feeling described above; that no-one else matters, and when this wears off people tend to freak out. They think that because they start finding others attractive it means they're not in love anymore or they shouldn't be in a relationship. That's just not realistic. No-one is completely in love with you all day every day for years, there are ups and downs.

 

I understand how you feel about not being able to trust again though, I think it becomes very difficult once you've had this happen to you. Just like love itself, I think this is a gamble, and it's up to us to make good choices and gamble on people who are worth it.

 

How long have you been out of a relationship? it's natural to want some time and space afterwards, but if a year or two down the line you still don't trust or commit then I think you should look into that, as you're missing out on some of the best things life has to offer.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Its coming up to a year being out of the relationship. I got into a rebound relationship with a guy who treated me really great but had his own issues. I think, worryingly, I am actually turning into a bit of a commitmentphobe. At first, I really wanted to be in a relationship, but now I don't want that at all. Maybe I just need to grow up and meet the 'right' guy. But I do think I have issues with trust. To me they don't seem like issues but truths, which is why I question if I have faulty thinking about this.

[Bolts]

personally... i have never, and will NEVER cheat. However, every girlfriend I have had seems to have to one degree or another.

[Woggle]

I am pretty much the male version of you but I am going into counseling to try and change that. This is not a good way to be.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I am pretty much the male version of you but I am going into counseling to try and change that. This is not a good way to be.

 

I've been to counselling, it did help a lot but I still have these ingrained believes. They don't dissapear over night though seeing as we've been fostering them for years and years. I'm hoping when I meet the right kind of guys, my issues with trust will fall away I hope the counselling helps you Woggle.

[threebyfate]

I've been to counselling, it did help a lot but I still have these ingrained believes. They don't dissapear over night though seeing as we've been fostering them for years and years. I'm hoping when I meet the right kind of guys, my issues with trust will fall away I hope the counselling helps you Woggle.

Trust issues source from a lack of trust in self.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I used to believe that lacking trust in others meant you lack trust in yourself...but I do trust myself to be faithful. Like I said earlier, I suppose I can't really say that as my longest relationship has been 2 years. But I have never cheated and have a lot of self-control.

[threebyfate]

You lack trust in your own judgement of people.

[Woggle]

I've been to counselling, it did help a lot but I still have these ingrained believes. They don't dissapear over night though seeing as we've been fostering them for years and years. I'm hoping when I meet the right kind of guys, my issues with trust will fall away I hope the counselling helps you Woggle.

 

I know it is very hard but I believe that if I eventually get over my bitterness and trust issues then anybody can.

[thepulse27]

Trust issues source from a lack of trust in self.

 

This is definately true to some extent, but do you not believe there are any external factors? I think having had your trust betrayed can be just as much a factor as the belief that you yourself might not be worthy of trust.

[threebyfate]

This is definately true to some extent, but do you not believe there are any external factors? I think having had your trust betrayed can be just as much a factor as the belief that you yourself might not be worthy of trust.

Which is why my first post leads to the second one.

You lack trust in your own judgement of people.

Each person you trust ends up hurting you so you stop trusting your own judgement.

 

But most often, when you source back, red flags were a poppin' and you chose to ignore them.

 

As well, no one's judgement is infallible so each time you make a mistake, you will survive that mistake and if done properly, learn from the mistake hence leveling up on experience points.

 

If you hold the pain of hurt inside, eroding self-worth and becoming bitter and cynical, strengthening emotional fragility is what you need to work on, rather than slapping more bricks and mortar onto the great wall of "l'il ol' victim me".

[thepulse27]

As well, no one's judgement is infallible so each time you make a mistake, you will survive that mistake and if done properly, learn from the mistake hence leveling up on experience points.

 

If you hold the pain of hurt inside, eroding self-worth and becoming bitter and cynical, strengthening emotional fragility is what you need to work on, rather than slapping more bricks and mortar onto the great wall of "l'il ol' victim me".

 

I certainly agree with the last part of this, I think regardless of which way we look at it, our only option is to trust, or lead very bitter and miserable lives. Obviously by trust I mean along with some caution, experience and common sense, we're learning for a reason.

 

But I'm not sure I like the idea that ultimately each endeavour will end in failure, it sounds like you mean that the reason we should learn and grow stronger is not to do it better in future, but to prepare ourselves for when the next good thing we have inevitably collapses.

 

I think there are a few people here who are incredibly experienced and wise, giving great advice and living their lives by exactly the right principles (so since we are judged by our actions, doing everything right), but with the lingering belief that all our efforts are ultimately doomed. I think this is a much more subtle jaded-ness that's worth being aware of. Or maybe you're just all Buddhists!

[threebyfate]

I certainly agree with the last part of this, I think regardless of which way we look at it, our only option is to trust, or lead very bitter and miserable lives. Obviously by trust I mean along with some caution, experience and common sense, we're learning for a reason.

 

But I'm not sure I like the idea that ultimately each endeavour will end in failure, it sounds like you mean that the reason we should learn and grow stronger is not to do it better in future, but to prepare ourselves for when the next good thing we have inevitably collapses.

 

I think there are a few people here who are incredibly experienced and wise, giving great advice and living their lives by exactly the right principles (so since we are judged by our actions, doing everything right), but with the lingering belief that all our efforts are ultimately doomed. I think this is a much more subtle jaded-ness that's worth being aware of. Or maybe you're just all Buddhists!

Prep for the worst, expect the best. This way you'll always have a backup plan.

 

Every relationship is a risk. It's up to the individual whether they're willing to take unnecessary risk or a calculated risk.

[thepulse27]

I like the idea of knowing if it all goes to s**t that I'm strong enough to deal with it, but I really prefer to think of it as if rather than when.

[threebyfate]

Good lord, not once did I say it was a "when" statement. It's most definitely an "if" statement, otherwise I personally wouldn't have remarried.

 

Edit - I leave the "when" statement to the terminally cynical.

Edited April 16, 2010 by threebyfate

[thepulse27]

Edit - I leave the "when" statement to the terminally cynical.

 

Glad to see you're not one of them! I did wonder from one of you're posts, I probably interpreted it wrong.

 

We seem to have gone off topic, or at least on to the next obvious point of discussion.

[threebyfate]

Glad to see you're not one of them! I did wonder from one of you're posts, I probably interpreted it wrong.

 

We seem to have gone off topic, or at least on to the next obvious point of discussion.

No worries. Textual misunderstandings happen all the time. As long as you're not making shyte up about me, it's all good.

 

No, it's not off-topic since both the lack of trust of self (someone who cheats themselves) or the lack of trust of self to judge character of others, are the basis for the believing that everyone cheats. It's a cop-out.