Not sure if what I'm doing is "cheating"

[beetlebug]

I stumbled across this site, and like others, am hoping for some feedback.

 

Seven months after I married my husband, I met a co-worker from the other coast visiting our office for a week, and immediately there was an attraction. We became very close, not only through working with each other, but after finding out we both married our spouses 2 weeks apart from one another and enjoyed the same honeymoon in Hawaii... In essence, our lives / career paths have proven to be pretty parallel, we discovered.

 

Over the course of 2 years, our emails and phone calls from 3,000 miles away increased in frequency and began to take on a flirtatious tone. At that point, I had to go to his office location on business. There seemed to be some "tension" in the air and I hate to say "sexual" tension, but I don't know what else to call it. At his office, he got me coffee in the AM and took me to lunch and it felt like I was on a date. All the while, I'm married, but can't help but feel this connection with this guy...During the day, another co-worker (not knowing how I'm feeling or what is going on) innocently suggested that he take me 'down to the beach' after work for a bite to eat or something, so I can wait until the traffic dies down before heading 1.5 hours back down the coast to my hotel. He was like, "yeah, definitely." After work however, it didn't happen that way. He asked me what I wanted to do and I immediately just blurted out, "...Oh, I think I want to go shopping on the way back, do you know of any good malls on my way back?" He went online and got me directions.. I said good-bye and it was so sad, I cannot explain it, but my heart was racing the whole time.

 

I should mention too, that while I am working closely with him all day, that day, I feel him just looking at me. It didn't make me feel uncomfortable, just very flattered... I was surprised to see a wedding picture of his wife, who happened to also have dark hair like me and was um, well-endowed, like me. I pictured him married to a petite 5-foot blonde, but she wasn't... and neither am I.

 

Okay, so I flew home as scheduled and the back-and-forth flirting and whatnot continued for another year...

 

Then comes another business trip out there for me. This time, I had my manager with me. Now, going on three years, the attraction I'm feeling for this guy is really building up.. and this time, I am 4 months pregnant. Not feeling good about myself because I had already gained some weight and was wearing maternity tops. That didn't seem to stop the looks and the smiles from him and it made me feel giddy inside. I have low-self esteem to begin with and to have him look at me the way he did felt really good.

 

About 10 of us enjoyed a dinner after work one night and he was sitting across from me all night, and I felt him looking at me, the way he always does. I caught him a couple of times and sort of smirked. I didn't know what to do. On the way back to the hotel, as soon as we get in the car, my boss was driving and she blurts out, "Oh my God!! Did you SEE the way X was looking at you all night??? Man, I swear, he WANTS you!" I was dumbfounded. I had no idea that anyone else would notice this. I had become pretty close to her over the 4 years and we talked like girls, but I had never told her about my "crush". So, I told her that I thought he was looking at me, but honestly, wasn't sure if I was imagining it. She said I wasn't...

 

So, at any rate, later that night we met up with him and a couple of others for a few drinks. He told us he resigned for a better job (our company was going to hell anyways). I was so unbelievably sad. He said, "I was trying to tell you all day, I was dropping you hints all day long (because he couldn't say anything in our work meeings), but I wasn't picking up on it... As it turned out, he contined to email me and call me.. Then he got laid off just 4 months after starting the new job and was unemployed for 6 months. We have stayed in touch; him emailing me from home while unemployed. I have since left the company and he now has a new job and we still keep in touch. We have become very close. It's soooo strange, but I find myself fantasizing about him in the worst way...

 

I love my husband and my son - - but I have some strong feelings for this other guy. Is it possible for me to be falling in love with this guy? Who I never see anymore, but only email and talk regulary? I am sort of confused at my feelings, but I can't help it.

 

I guess I'm just glad to get this off my chest and if anyone has any thoughts, both male and female, maybe it will help me sort things out... He is originally from my state, and I think crazy things about him moving back here and us hooking up for drinks or dinner.. what the hell is wrong with me???

 

I appreciate your comments...

 

Thanks,

R

[dyermaker]

Cheating is just semantics. If you wrong someone, no one cares whether it's called cheating or not. I think that what you're doing is unfair to your husband. Think about what it woud be like if your husband allowed himself to fall in love with someone else. While we're on the subject of semantics, I don't like the term "Fall in love", because it implies that you don't have control over your actions. Your feelings, maybe not, but your actions, you definitely have control over. The best advice is to cease ALL contact with him. Simply tell him that you're attracted to him, and you've thought about it, and it was hard, but in order to maintain your marriage, you need to break off all contact with him. It doesn't matter his response, ignore it. Don't take his calls, block his e-mail. It's emotionally taxing, but you need to either leave your husband, or be fair to him--otherwise, you're deceiving him, and being selfish. Every time you think about how great he is, think about that picture of him and his wife. Think about what he wants to do to you, and what he's doing to her. I know this is emotionally hard for you, but it definitely does NOT get easier.

[Samson]

The best advice is to cease ALL contact with him.

 

Ditto

 

 

Don't feel guity about feelings. IMHO you enjoyed flirting, a dangerous, but sometimes necessary ego building hobby. But you'll not enjoy the results of going any farther.

 

So, get off the ride. The park's closed: Go home.

[Kay]

You say you love your husband and your son. IMHO you should thank those proverbial lucky stars that they love you back.

 

Just for a reality check - say you leave your marriage and your little boy for this guy. Either he divorces his wife, destroying who knows what in their life, or he asks you to "wait" for him to divorce her until he a)gets his career together, b)figures out the financials c)his children are grown d)his wife finishes a stint in the local mental hospital ... hopefully, you get my drift.

 

Would it still be worth it?

 

What if you decide that you really do want your marriage but while you spent the past 2 years fantasizing, emailing, flirting and feeling giddy, you discover, the hard way, that your own husband has come to the conclusion that his wife seems somehow "disengaged," and discovers he now longer feels the same way about you?

 

Sorry to be the devil's advocate but I'm so weary of all the madness sometimes.

 

Listen to the boys above. Kay

[jester]

I love my husband and my son - - but I have some strong feelings for this other guy. Is it possible for me to be falling in love with this guy? Who I never see anymore, but only email and talk regularly? I am sort of confused at my feelings, but I can't help it.

 

Yes, it is possible. You are, however, in "love" with a possibility, only. You've gotten lots of ego strokes from this long-term flirtation. So has he. So far, it has been mostly benefit, little cost.

 

If you ratchet up this flirtation, succumb to the madness, the costs will be steep. Your and his marriages, families might be sacrificed. Is it really worth it?

 

I wouldn't take one further step in his direction.

 

Love and cherish what you have, and know.

[SoleMate]

Simple rules of thumb:

 

If you're using your windshield wipers, turn on your headlights.

 

When cooking rice, water is twice, or maybe 1-3/4.

 

If you have to ask whether it's cheating, it is.

[beetlebug]

okay, I am really understanding what everyone is saying...

 

Suppose I do just bring this whole thing to a grinding halt. Do I just ignore his calls and emails? After all this time and the fact the we really do consider each other friends, I can't imagine doing that.

 

What do I say to him, and how do I say it???

 

Thanks for all your help...

[dyermaker]

(Reprinted with permission)

 

Simply tell him that you're attracted to him, and you've thought about it, and it was hard, but in order to maintain your marriage, you need to break off all contact with him. It doesn't matter his response, ignore it. Don't take his calls, block his e-mail.

[beetlebug]

Originally posted by Kay

You say you love your husband and your son. IMHO you should thank those proverbial lucky stars that they love you back.

 

Thanks for your input truly, but I do think that comment was a little harsh, don't you think? Granted the emotional intimacy has been a little intense between me and this other guy who is 3,000 miles away, but it does not interfere with my wife and mother duties at home. It's not as if I have been physical with this guy, and I am a wonderful hard-working mother and wife...

 

 

What if you decide that you really do want your marriage but while you spent the past 2 years fantasizing, emailing, flirting and feeling giddy, you discover, the hard way, that your own husband has come to the conclusion that his wife seems somehow "disengaged," and discovers he now longer feels the same way about you?

 

This comment brought some things to light for me, so thank you for mentioning it. The idea of my husband coming to some sort of conclusion down the road that I am 'disengaged' is not far-fetched at all, and it could be a matter of time before he decides he's had enough....

 

Thanks, Kay, for your input.

[Samson]

I do think that comment was a little harsh, don't you think?

 

I didn't read it as a personal attack.

 

It seemed to me to simply be a statement of truth; a global reminder to all who have loving families that they should never take them for granted, and I do not think you have, Bug. You're good.

 

You've indulged your fantacy and you've controlled yourself. It is called maturity.

 

When you cut it off with your friend, and if he acts terribly hurt, remember that you've never hidden your baggage from him. You never misrepresented your marital status, and if he ignored it at the time, OK:

 

But now's time for him to get real, and its not your fault if he cannot. Frankly, I think he may be using you to boost his ego while he's unemployed, and you know this.

 

I'd waffel a little on my initial hard stance if your original post hadn't sounded like the you were getting to serious. Otherwise, I'd wonder if communicating with each other less often, birthday greetings, for example, might be more appropriate than constant communication.

[Arabess]

I think after a person has been married for a period of time....wanting to experience a litttle 'flirt' can be somewhat normal. It makes you feel alive and young again.

 

HOWEVER....and this is a BIG HOWEVER....that little flirt can flame up into a burning rage....which destroys everything in it's path.

 

Before you light that match....you better think long and hard about all the consequences.

 

I'm not being harsh at all.....I've carried my own personal 'Zippo' and have no room to talk.....but if I could turn back the hands of time....I would've came armed with a fire extinguisher.

 

Some things....no matter how innocent they may start out.....just aren't worth it. In the end.....everyone loses.

[Samson]

if I could turn back the hands of time....I would've came armed with a fire extinguisher

 

Given the context, Arabess's quote is one of the most globally honest I've read, because she could have said she'd never use her "Zippo," or play with matches

 

Instead she doesn't regret playing with fire; she regrets not being able to extinguish the flame before it burned her and others. Why?

 

Well, she has her own reasons, and I have mine. She can speak for herself, but to me living dangerously sometimes reminds me that I'm alive. I'm taking every opportunity to drink deeply (but thoughtfully) from life's cup before I meet the grave. No doubt I'll die with regrets, but having wasted the richness of feelings and experiences the earth has to offer will not be one.

[Arabess]

YEPPERS Samson!!!! ME....Queen of the Singed Fingers! Nothing like a little 'ash' play......