Why won't he marry me? Please help

[ashlee/w1]

[color=indigo][/color]

Hello,

I haven't really had to go to people I didn't know to help me with problems, normally I would go to my mom. However she would be of no use to this matter seeing as she would rather "it" not happen.

 

Ok, here is the beginning. I met my current boyfriend 3 years ago when I was 18. We did everything we went camping, biking, laid around drank... all the usual selfish teenage things that teenagers do. Then after we were dating for about 6-7 months we decided to move in togeather (mutual agreement). We moved into our now current residence in December of 2002. A month after this we found out I was pregnate. I was happy but scared of what he would be like you know like if he would leave, he didn't but the way he acted the whole time I was pregnate I wish he had sometimes. Then our son was born and I did everything with our son. My boyfriend turned 21 about 3 months after my son was born... so from what my friends have told me he had just started his "selfish phase." I have such a non-confrontational personality that I just go with the flow. I changed because of my son, he is my life so everything revolves around him.

 

I have been waiting 3 years to hear a marriage proposal.... and all I can think to myself about that is "yeah, like that would happen!". I know that you have to go through some hard times and that would bring you either closer togeather or ...you know. Seeing as we are still togeather and we stuck it out...well!! I don't know what it is he always says "Well we basically we are married!" Well, I don't remember being asked?!!! I have told him how much this means to me, and we have a son, and he says he wants to be with me forever and he loves me. I just want to know why, if all of this is true, doesn't he want to marry me.

 

He says that I just have to wait, but the more I wait the more depressed I get about it. He always said that after 10 years we would get married, when we were first dating of course that sounds super. But this is 3 years and my feelings of love for him will not go away so it is an agony I can't get rid of. I can't leave ... I don't want to... I guess I just want my wedding cake and eat it too!!! I have told him about it but he just won't budge!

 

If someone could please tell me something to help I would appreciate it a lot !

 

Thanks

[Reckless]

I don't mean to be flippant (but I will be); there is some truth in the old adage "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

Sounds like your guy cannot see the point of being married and feels pretty secure in keeping things just the way they are. Pressuring someone to marry you is never a good idea.

 

Don't become obsessed with the wedding, it's no guarantee of a successful marriage and besides there's no way to 'make' him marry you if he doesn't want to. If he loves you and treats you and your child well accept that and live with what you can't change. If you cannot live with that, pack up your baby, yourself, the milk and the cow and go back to your mother.

 

Sorry,

R.

[Tony T]

Your guy is still very, very young. He may have fathered a child but he has hardly grown up himself. He's got lots to go before he reaches a level of maturity necessary to feel comfortable in a marriage. You're lucky he's still even around. |So many men his age would have split in a hurry. My feeling is that if you back off and present a comfortable situation for him, he will marry you in time...when the time is right...and no sooner. I mean BACK OFF!!! No more pressing for marriage. As a matter of fact, if you really want to get some results, you might act like you are dating him. Be a bit aloof and unpredictable. That's what's going to spark his interest in marriage.

 

If you stay on his butt and nag, that doesn't present a romantic atmosphere and never makes a man chomp at the bit to commit himself to a lifetime with another person. Again, the act of getting pregnant does not make the father all of a sudden change his inner core personality into something it isn't. A man can produce sperm at 11 or 12 but that in no way makes him psychologically ready for marriage. He may have had a child with you but getting married is about timing. His time simply isn't here yet and you're not being any help at all. If you want him to stay interested in marrying you, you better start being more of the kind of person he would want to marry or you're going to be in trouble.

 

Start giving him a challenge. Make him earn you instead of the other way around. He is still extremely young and he requires electricity in a relationship in order to remain interested in it. Right now, you just aren't presenting that. If you don't know how, hire an outside consultant but if you think he's going to run to the alter with you just because of a young bambino's presence in the house, you are wrong. The only way he will marry you is if he is burning with a desire to do so. You need to find out exactly the ways to fire him up to that point.

 

And Reckless is absolutely correct above. Just because this guy got you pregnant and just because you have special feelings for him doesn't make him the right guy for you. Look at him very objectively and be sure he's the type of guy you would want to spend all the days of your life on this planet with...and be sure you are the lady he would want to spend all his days with. Marriage is not a unilateral thing. If he's not passionate about wanting to be with you, a marriage with him could be hell.