Should I be worried about this?

[Mark2134]

Hi everyone. My situation is a little complicated so thank you in advance for reading (if you do).

Ok, so my girlfriend is in America, I am in England. We've been dating for 11 months, visiting each other every 2 months or so. The plan is for me to move out there within 1 year. Things are generally really good, very much in love and happy, albeit with a few stupid arguments. Recently a problem came about.

 

Background: My girlfriend was with her ex for 2 years, he is american, she started to get tired of how he was early last year 2009, and was constantly talking to me online. She would ignore his calls when on skype to me etc.. and eventually she finished with him, for me.

 

Over the past 10 months, his name has come up a few times, as he was her first proper boyfriend so whenever sex or anything is mentioned he is automatically brought to the forefront, and it has caused some small arguments.

 

Anyway, a few days before Easter, we argued again because of me having a go at her over something stupid and she refused to speak to me for 1 week, which she has never done before. She told me she'd reached her boiling point and didn't want any more arguments and she said she didn't know if she wanted to stay with me etc. the way things currently were.

Anyway, since then we patched things up, after I spoke to her about why I had been causing arguments etc. and basically had it all out...

 

THEN, and I know this is terrible, but I had this gut instinct that something wasn't quite right, and I don't know why, but I found myself checking her phone records online...(I know it's a terrible thing to have done)

What I found killed me. I found that 1 of the days during the week of Easter that she was thinking about what to do/ignoring me, she had been texting her ex back and forth since 2pm-2am, just 1 day, but all day, every 5 minutes etc..

I wasnt sure at first of the number, so I called it and he answered. It was his birthday a few days previously to the texting and he initiated the texting.

 

I brought up the subject of if she had talked to her ex recently carefully during normal conversation, and she said no and that she didn't care about him really and they hadn't had any contact...and the way she was saying it I was kinda believing her...although I know she was lying. She's always been a very loyal person and never flirts with guys and takes having a bf seriously.

 

He has text her about 2 days every month or so from the past 6 months, and always shared about 10-20 messages. No calls, just texts.

 

I have no qualms about her loving me, and her ex is 8 hour drive away now and has a gf... SO....

 

1. Why was she texting him when ignoring me?

2. What the hell were they texting about for 12 hours when they never talk.

3. Why lie about it, even though I never accused her of anything.

4. What should I do?? I can't tell her I know, otherwise the relationship would break down over my breach of trust.

 

 

The weird thing, is that she did send him a private message on facebook about 4 months ago asking for some computer cd back, and that is she claims the last time they were in contact. Why did she use facebook that time when they are texting?

 

I'm so confused. I feel terrible for doing what I did, but I feel sick having to be 'normal' and happy with her when I know she's just lied to me and I can't say anything because the way I know is terrible.

 

Please help!

Thank you.

[aerogurl87]

1. Why was she texting him when ignoring me?

Maybe she still feels something for him, maybe she wants to stay friends, either way only she really knows that answer.

 

2. What the hell were they texting about for 12 hours when they never talk.

Could be anything, but more than likely I'm sure the past creeped up somewhere during their nonstop texting.

 

3. Why lie about it, even though I never accused her of anything.

Because she knew you'd freak out if you found out or it'd lead to an argument.

 

4. What should I do?? I can't tell her I know, otherwise the relationship would break down over my breach of trust.

Tell her you feel like something is up, that's all you can really do or you can tell her you snooped. If she gave you access to her phone records before hand it's not really snooping in my opinion though.

[ReadyforLove]

1. Why was she texting him when ignoring me? Maybe she was bored and needed someone to talk to/text.

 

2. What the hell were they texting about for 12 hours when they never talk. We will never know, you need to ask her.

 

3. Why lie about it, even though I never accused her of anything. Because she knew you would freak out like you are freaking out right now.

 

4. What should I do?? I can't tell her I know, otherwise the relationship would break down over my breach of trust. You will need to bring it to her attention if you really want your questions answered. Her communicating with an ex is obviously a big deal to you so why not call her out on it? She should have nothing to hide.

 

 

The weird thing, is that she did send him a private message on facebook about 4 months ago asking for some computer cd back, and that is she claims the last time they were in contact. Why did she use facebook that time when they are texting?

 

First the phone records and now her facebook messages? Why do you keep prying into her personal business? There is a serious lack of trust and you are considering moving to a new country to be with someone you don't trust?

[goatee]

Ok look, you're going the wrong way! Most girls aren't sluts, they don't date two people at once plus it's her ex of course they are going to talk about something or other. Trust issues kill relationships, so keep heading down that path and you'll lose her over nothing.

[hoping2heal]

Not that I am defending lying, because it isn't okay; lying doesn't ALWAYS mean dishonorable intentions. In fact again not that it makes it RIGHT but her not telling you appears to be something as to not upset you and cause a fight because she doesn't want to lose you and you are the one she cares for. Her ex may of been an ego boost for when she was feeling like crap. Also, you don't know if anyone else uses her phone but on the other hand; if her ex has a gf how does she know if she doesn't talk to him? So I don't know, while she is being dishonest with you and it's not okay to lie by the very fact it is ONLY texts and there is no phone calls I don't see any indicator that she is even into this other guy.

 

P.S - if you want your relationship to survive this you need to be honest with her. Right now you are both lying to eachother and I can tell you that your relationship won't get right until you both can be honest.

[Mark2134]

Thanks for the advice.

I am just going to give her the benefit of the doubt as she is not the type to flirt/go off with random guys, she takes relationships seriously, and we have had our rough patches where it would have been easy for her to have left.

 

The fact that whenever he is mentioned causes either an argument or a 'hmmm..ok' moment probably serves her purpose of trying to keep it from me.

 

I will however keep my eyes open for the next few weeks and I will be seeing her at the beginning of May and it will have been 3.5 months since we last saw each other so I think those 2 weeks together will do us both good.

 

And she is mutual friends with his friends (from school) so she knows who his girlfriend is, and I since there have been 0 calls between them I am starting to believe it may just be a one-off because of what happened, a situation which I am not going to let happen again. Also, no-one else uses her phone, but you can imagine the feeling I had when I first saw it. I'm glad I kept my cool and didn't say anything. For the time being anyway.

 

Thanks to those of you that replied