For all those shocked by ex's new relationship

[Ilovecake]

I'm of course talking to the dumpees. Do not feel bad about your ex dating withing a short time after the breakup. You have to understand that these are cowardly people with personality disorders who were probably scoping out a new partner way before they broke up with you. They are not healthy enough to spend time alone because most mentally unhealthy people are afraid of themselves. They need to jump from one relationship to another to be distracted from who they are. It's not about the new person being better than you, just different. They really don't have the time to even find out who that person is because they fall into a relationship very quickly with a stranger. Please do not take these relationships as a personal blow to your ego be happy that you’re together enough to be able to live your life without a constant crutch of another person.

[cdt76]

So true. But it would be nice to see it crumble and fall apart on them.

[monkeymaid]

i love ilovecake. ...too bad i cant eat cake (wheat allergy)

 

 

 

i agree 110%

 

my ex has a history of this and only through our friendship before our relationship AND having the relationship was i able to figure out that she has a very low self esteem. i honestly thought she was the tits, and no one could touch her as far as emotionally, but i learned towards the end why she did certain things, and where they came from.

 

she tried 3 weeks after i ended it (her emotional infidelity) to date the guy she "cheated" with, but couldnt do it cuz she started realizing that our relationship fell apart becasue she needed the attention of other men. ....from what i understand, she is focusing her therapy solely on this for the time being. ...im glad she realized

[cutepinkblob]

Like to add to this that it is also similar when ex's go from one person to the other without probably dating them. Have to have that attention and person to distract them from their true selves, like they need someone to stroke their already huge (but yet tiny) ego!

[Ilovecake]

I agree cutepinkblob.

My ex has lived with every single girl that he's ever dated; now that's disturbing. The girl he was with before me he knew for two days before she moved in with him. She was of course a girlfriend of a friend. He's now getting married to the girl we broke up over who was also dating one of his friends. I think he moved in with her about a month into the relationship. I can't say that those are actions of a healthy individual. You know what they say about insanity. You keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

 

If you’re hoping that their new relationship falls apart you’re probably not far from it. Even if these types of people stay together they are two very codependent people that would be making someone else miserable if they didn’t find each other. At the end it’s all for the best. It definitely hurts to know that you’ve been replaced, but we always imagine that their lives somehow became perfect and rosy since they left us but they’re still the same people with the same problems. Think hard about the things that would really make you upset about your ex. Those things are probably now upsetting their new partner, maybe even more than us.

I've been feeling upset that my ex has been doing things with his fiancé that we enjoyed together. Mainly going to concerts but I've seen them at concerts together and she looks absolutely miserable because she doesn't like that music and is being dragged around to these clubs just to please him. He once told me that he would do anything with me but go to a museum. He absolutely can't stand museums. I saw him a few months a go posting on some site about a trip he was taking and asking if there are any museums they could go to in the town. So yeah I think I made it out on top, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want while they go through life simply putting up with each other because they're too scared to be alone.

[ingridh]

So true. But it would be nice to see it crumble and fall apart on them.

 

Oh, that would be answer to my prayers!

 

BUT, not gonna happen to my ex. He dumped me for a much younger (15 years his junior) and beautiful (yes, youth always is :sigh: ), is happily in love, and engaged to be married. Not anytime soon it is going to crumble and fall apart. I know him well enough that he is going to make this work.

 

And that is what hurts the most.

[Ilovecake]

Oh, that would be answer to my prayers!

 

BUT, not gonna happen to my ex. He dumped me for a much younger (15 years his junior) and beautiful (yes, youth always is :sigh: ), is happily in love, and engaged to be married. Not anytime soon it is going to crumble and fall apart. I know him well enough that he is going to make this work.

 

And that is what hurts the most.

 

But see that's my point ingridh. You imagine their life to be perfect and rosy but you don't know that. I bet there are times he completely regrets getting together with this girl. Nobody is perfect and unfortunately humans make each other miserable sometimes, no matter how young and pretty. The girl my ex is marrying is 16 years younger than me but not at all pretty, ugh she’s a dog. Your ex's girl won't be young and pretty for long and if that's why he's with her I don't see much happiness in their future.

[bluz73]

But see that's my point ingridh. You imagine their life to be perfect and rosy but you don't know that. I bet there are times he completely regrets getting together with this girl. Nobody is perfect and unfortunately humans make each other miserable sometimes, no matter how young and pretty. The girl my ex is marrying is 16 years younger than me but not at all pretty, ugh she’s a dog. Your ex's girl won't be young and pretty for long and if that's why he's with her I don't see much happiness in their future.

I totally get what you all are goin through, although i fully am aware this guy is bad news with alot of drug/job issues at 31 this month, i dont see him changing too much, maybe temp to win over the new 18 yr old, but in the long run its all gonna be the same.

I was shocked he chose to start a life with a teenager, if it had been someone more like myself and that it was a healthy relationship then, i prob would be happy for them.

Knowing thru mutual friends they are getting an apartment this week and that she is codependent of him and him her, he cant afford a place on his own. makes me sick and I am having a rough rough week. I guess i thought it would have crumbled by now, they would be stuck at his parents place, but no he is really goin thru with it and i am erased.

It seems like that have the perfect life but knowing him it prob isnt.

She may be young but she isnt "hot and sexy" she is childlike and its totally not what a normal hot guy would go for but the he isnt the man i used to love

[Ilovecake]

I totally get what you all are goin through, although i fully am aware this guy is bad news with alot of drug/job issues at 31 this month, i dont see him changing too much, maybe temp to win over the new 18 yr old, but in the long run its all gonna be the same.

I was shocked he chose to start a life with a teenager, if it had been someone more like myself and that it was a healthy relationship then, i prob would be happy for them.

Knowing thru mutual friends they are getting an apartment this week and that she is codependent of him and him her, he cant afford a place on his own. makes me sick and I am having a rough rough week. I guess i thought it would have crumbled by now, they would be stuck at his parents place, but no he is really goin thru with it and i am erased.

It seems like that have the perfect life but knowing him it prob isnt.

She may be young but she isnt "hot and sexy" she is childlike and its totally not what a normal hot guy would go for but the he isnt the man i used to love

 

You've read me post that I went through the same thing of hoping they would break up and it hurt when I found out he's marrying a girl he has nothing in common with that is young enough to be my daughter but then I really deeply though about the situation. I thought look at us in our 30's, if we knew what we know now when we were 18 we would have not done and put up with half the things we did. I mean you can look at it this way. Your ex is not mature enough to be with someone of your age and wisdom. Just imagine the humdrum dull conversations he has with the 18 year old. I mean come on how much can she have to talk about besides who wore what to prom? I bet he's beating his head against the wall most of the time just listening to her babble on about 18 year old crap. A lot of guys will stick it out because they can’t bear to let anyone know they were wrong. Whenever you're feeling down and cheated by his new relationship think of the worst case scenario, I bet his life is much closer to that than to total bliss. Just think abou that and laugh at his stupidity for giving up any chance at a healthy, normal relationship for a piece of meat with a high school degree.

[jlr]

Please do not take these relationships as a personal blow to your ego be happy that you’re together enough to be able to live your life without a constant crutch of another person.

 

Well said. It was sad to see after we broke up how my ex would shuffle from trying to talk to new guys, to then trying to fall back on me. It was like, she wanted something else, but if she couldn't find another guy, she wanted me. She can't deal with being alone. She can't deal with facing herself, or dealing with problems.

 

It's quite sad.

 

I'm happy that I can fight through my problems. I face them. And I don't need to find someone in order to be able to survive. I want to find someone because it will be a great addition to my life, not because I can't stand to be alone.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I would add, DON'T be jealous of the new relationship.

 

My friends boyfriend dumped her because he 'needed to be single' and got into a new relationship. He is already cheating on his new girlfriend. So really the ex should be greatful she is free of him!

[cdt76]

Well said. It was sad to see after we broke up how my ex would shuffle from trying to talk to new guys, to then trying to fall back on me. It was like, she wanted something else, but if she couldn't find another guy, she wanted me. She can't deal with being alone. She can't deal with facing herself, or dealing with problems.

 

It's quite sad.

 

I'm happy that I can fight through my problems. I face them. And I don't need to find someone in order to be able to survive. I want to find someone because it will be a great addition to my life, not because I can't stand to be alone.

 

What really gets to me is that I'm the one who changed. I looked at who I was and who I wanted to be and I changed. She is the one with the problems, the trust issues, the communication issues, the inability to work on a relationship becuase it should be perfect and yet she refuses to work on herself. Yet she is with this A-hole who is the same way and appear happy! Screw that. I just want her to hurt and hurt as badly as I did and to go through the changes she needs to go through to be a better person.

[Ilovecake]

What really gets to me is that I'm the one who changed. I looked at who I was and who I wanted to be and I changed. She is the one with the problems, the trust issues, the communication issues, the inability to work on a relationship becuase it should be perfect and yet she refuses to work on herself. Yet she is with this A-hole who is the same way and appear happy! Screw that. I just want her to hurt and hurt as badly as I did and to go through the changes she needs to go through to be a better person.

 

Yes but you changed for yourself not for her. You have to realize that the fact that you wanted her to change and she wasn't willing to means you were not with the right person. She might not think she has any issues that she needs to work on. The things that usually make us the angriest about our significant others are really reflections of our fears and repressed issues. For example I wanted my ex to stop drinking everyday because I grew up with an alcoholic parent. His fiancé now obviously does not think his drinking is an issue so they’re getting hitched. Our exe’s problems and negative traits do not disappear because they’re with someone else. They simply found someone who’s willing to put up with or doesn’t care about those traits. Right now lack of trust and communication might not bother your ex's new guy but who knows how he'll feel when this comes up at an important juncture in their relationship. She might get dumped on her butt.

[cdt76]

I'm hoping so. Not because I want to get back with her but because I want her to recognize what she threw away. And it's so strange to witness the lying the two of them do now to hide their true selves. She still thinks about me, by checking my myspace but she would lie until her last breath to keep people from knowing that, especially the A-hole. I would just like to see her experience the depths of hurt that she caused me, in order for her to see what kind of person she really is.

[romer]

It just makes you question everything that you had in your relationship with this person. The questions that go through my head are "Did he ever really love me"? "Am I that horrible, that he had to look for someone to replace me with that fast?" and my all time favorite "Why does he do things with her that he NEVER would do with me?"

 

Those are the thoughts that nag at me all day, every day, every second I am awake. I feel like I have a big lump in my stomach all the time.

[cdt76]

So true. Especially the love question. Because I can't understand anyone being able to just shut off love (that was so often proclaimed) to just jump in bed with another who was so close to me. What type of person can do that? I just want someone to truly love me again the way, I loved her.

[romer]

I cannot remember ever feeling this much pain over someone. I have totally had NC with him for almost a month. What I keep thinking is, even if he did come back, would I want him? I do love him very much, but it wouldn't be the same, especially after he's been with someone else.

[bluz73]

I cannot remember ever feeling this much pain over someone. I have totally had NC with him for almost a month. What I keep thinking is, even if he did come back, would I want him? I do love him very much, but it wouldn't be the same, especially after he's been with someone else.

 

Romer I know the pain sucks I am still in pain after 6 months it comes and goes.

I would have liked a simple email saying "im sorry but I really hope your okay"...instead i got the cold shoulder and erased.

It sucks cause i still care about his well being and he doesnt care about mine.

I wouldnt want my ex back, I would just like maybe a hello or something

[annxxdisaster]

I'm of course talking to the dumpees. Do not feel bad about your ex dating withing a short time after the breakup. You have to understand that these are cowardly people with personality disorders who were probably scoping out a new partner way before they broke up with you.

 

I know a bit about your ex and his issues and I can say it sounds like he does have some legit issues.

 

However...

 

Saying that someone checked out of a relationship early, left you for someone else, or dumped you and started dating/rebounding a few weeks...days...minutes after it ended obviously has a personality disorder isn't true, for most/all cases.

 

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore doesn't mean that they have borderline personality disorder or that they are a sociopath. It's a good way to lick your wounds and bounce back by thinking, "OH! They OBVIOUSLY need to be diagnosed with this because they're crazy and unhealthy individuals."

 

Fact is, a lot of people have issues. Not a lot of people like to be alone and without a partner. And it seems like a lot of people like to base their self worth on whether or not their ex loved or still loves them. Saying the MUST have a personality disorder is ludicrous and is not applicable in all situations.

[Ilovecake]

I think you misinterpreted my post and then wrapped up in some serious bitterness.

 

 

My point was that you should not base your self worth on what your ex is doing or feeling. There are a lot of people here who are in extreme pain because they feel replaced when that's not the case. I never said anything about sociopaths I'm simply talking about people who are unable to be alone, who bounce from one relationship to another without any time between. I think that's a serious problem. I'm not a doctor and am not diagnosing people I'm simply speaking from experience knowing people like that. They have a very hard time finding true happiness and are always in the grass is greener mode. Not even talking about my ex but people I have known for 20 plus years. All the folks I know who were relationship jumpers are not in a good place in their late 30s and early 40s when everyone around them is settling down with someone they truly respect and they're just settling for whoever will take them because it's better than being alone.

 

What's wrong with using any positive thought process possible to lick your wounds when your ego has been stepped on? Should we all sit here telling ourselves that we were not good enough and that we suck as individuals because they chose to be with someone else? That's ludicrous.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Ilovecake

[bluz73]

I think you misinterpreted my post and then wrapped up in some serious bitterness.

 

 

My point was that you should not base your self worth on what your ex is doing or feeling. There are a lot of people here who are in extreme pain because they feel replaced when that's not the case. I never said anything about sociopaths I'm simply talking about people who are unable to be alone, who bounce from one relationship to another without any time between. I think that's a serious problem. I'm not a doctor and am not diagnosing people I'm simply speaking from experience knowing people like that. They have a very hard time finding true happiness and are always in the grass is greener mode. Not even talking about my ex but people I have known for 20 plus years. All the folks I know who were relationship jumpers are not in a good place in their late 30s and early 40s when everyone around them is settling down with someone they truly respect and they're just settling for whoever will take them because it's better than being alone.

 

What's wrong with using any positive thought process possible to lick your wounds when your ego has been stepped on? Should we all sit here telling ourselves that we were not good enough and that we suck as individuals because they chose to be with someone else? That's ludicrous.

I love you Ilovecake! You inspire me!

[Dream Brother]

I think you misinterpreted my post and then wrapped up in some serious bitterness.

 

 

My point was that you should not base your self worth on what your ex is doing or feeling. There are a lot of people here who are in extreme pain because they feel replaced when that's not the case. I never said anything about sociopaths I'm simply talking about people who are unable to be alone, who bounce from one relationship to another without any time between. I think that's a serious problem. I'm not a doctor and am not diagnosing people I'm simply speaking from experience knowing people like that. They have a very hard time finding true happiness and are always in the grass is greener mode. Not even talking about my ex but people I have known for 20 plus years. All the folks I know who were relationship jumpers are not in a good place in their late 30s and early 40s when everyone around them is settling down with someone they truly respect and they're just settling for whoever will take them because it's better than being alone.

 

What's wrong with using any positive thought process possible to lick your wounds when your ego has been stepped on? Should we all sit here telling ourselves that we were not good enough and that we suck as individuals because they chose to be with someone else? That's ludicrous.

 

Well said ilovecake.

[2yearsNC]

who cares about the ex and their relationship.

my ex cheated on me twice, once with her ex and continuously with her new guy.

 

she was messed up in the head but i loved her anyway and in the end she broke me to peaces and messed up my head for 2 years.

 

i lost it all but in the end, i wish her the best of luck. its funny though, seeing at the end of a relationship how youve changed and in my case, i took allot of her co-dependent behavior, then again we were one so i guess you have to take the bad with the good.

 

i wish she finds happiness. i still wonder about her. oh well, life moves on.

 

2 years, 15 days NC and going strong!

Edited April 16, 2010 by 2yearsNC

[selena_cat]

I think you misinterpreted my post and then wrapped up in some serious bitterness.

 

 

My point was that you should not base your self worth on what your ex is doing or feeling. There are a lot of people here who are in extreme pain because they feel replaced when that's not the case. I never said anything about sociopaths I'm simply talking about people who are unable to be alone, who bounce from one relationship to another without any time between. I think that's a serious problem. I'm not a doctor and am not diagnosing people I'm simply speaking from experience knowing people like that. They have a very hard time finding true happiness and are always in the grass is greener mode. Not even talking about my ex but people I have known for 20 plus years. All the folks I know who were relationship jumpers are not in a good place in their late 30s and early 40s when everyone around them is settling down with someone they truly respect and they're just settling for whoever will take them because it's better than being alone.

 

What's wrong with using any positive thought process possible to lick your wounds when your ego has been stepped on? Should we all sit here telling ourselves that we were not good enough and that we suck as individuals because they chose to be with someone else? That's ludicrous.

 

 

I totally agree with you cake,sure everyone is entitled to an opinion like the poster you replied to,but that person is missing the point which is accountability. What kind of a world we live in which you can use someone,and quickly move on to the next as if the laast person did not exist? Why, because people believe that they don't have to answer to anyone,not even themselves. It seems this is such a throwaway society, we buy, we throw away,well people are not things to toss and forget which causes the breakdown of this society. While all relationships nor people are not perfect.there has to be some kind of moral accountability.

 

if someone can move on to the next person without looking back,and the next person,than that person will never be satisfied. Why? because they are and will always be looking for something new,or better,meanwhile trampling on someone's soul in the end. Also how many children's lives been shattered by a parent leaving the other parent for someone new. People such as that also needs medical evaluation so the doctor can check for a heartbeat.

Edited April 17, 2010 by selena_cat

[now_what]

I ask myself those questions too: was I so horrible you just had to run out and find someone else? My ex left me after 30 years of marriage for someone he had been seeing for two months before he left, we divorced right away - at his insistance - and he remarried a few weeks later. He barely knew this woman and he moved in with her and then got married without ever mentioning her to our children. I try to maintain the attitude that the problem was his and really had nothing to do with me.