bluz73 Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 I ask myself those questions too: was I so horrible you just had to run out and find someone else? My ex left me after 30 years of marriage for someone he had been seeing for two months before he left, we divorced right away - at his insistance - and he remarried a few weeks later. He barely knew this woman and he moved in with her and then got married without ever mentioning her to our children. I try to maintain the attitude that the problem was his and really had nothing to do with me. i am sorry that sounds horrible..well hugs to you for being strong and making it thru and having the attiude to rise above the pain. best wishes to you and I am sure they wont last! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 I don't think about my exes new relationships. If they're going to walk away why should I care anymore?! They're not a part of my life therefore I don't dwell on the past. Forward only, not backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
romer Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 But CaliGuy, when you are the one left picking up the pieces, trying to put the puzzle together so you can get some closure, it's hard to just move on. Seeing my ex with someone else within a week or so after our break-up was shattering to my self-esteem, it's not something you can just forget, it's a process and it's why we are here, for support during this process. Some of us are just not confident enough to put it all behind us yet. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 But CaliGuy, when you are the one left picking up the pieces, trying to put the puzzle together so you can get some closure, it's hard to just move on. Seeing my ex with someone else within a week or so after our break-up was shattering to my self-esteem, it's not something you can just forget, it's a process and it's why we are here, for support during this process. Some of us are just not confident enough to put it all behind us yet. That's because you desire something you often rely on others to provide you. Closure. This is not necessary. Closure is what you make of it. If you continue to desire for some kind of closure provided by the dumper you'll only delay your healing. Make your own closure by letting go of them. You're not meant to be with everyone that you date, nor are you meant to wallow in your own crapulence either when it fails. The sooner you let go of them, the sooner someone BETTER can walk into your life... Link to post Share on other sites
annxxdisaster Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 I think you misinterpreted my post and then wrapped up in some serious bitterness. My point was that you should not base your self worth on what your ex is doing or feeling. There are a lot of people here who are in extreme pain because they feel replaced when that's not the case. I never said anything about sociopaths I'm simply talking about people who are unable to be alone, who bounce from one relationship to another without any time between. I think that's a serious problem. I'm not a doctor and am not diagnosing people I'm simply speaking from experience knowing people like that. They have a very hard time finding true happiness and are always in the grass is greener mode. Not even talking about my ex but people I have known for 20 plus years. All the folks I know who were relationship jumpers are not in a good place in their late 30s and early 40s when everyone around them is settling down with someone they truly respect and they're just settling for whoever will take them because it's better than being alone. What's wrong with using any positive thought process possible to lick your wounds when your ego has been stepped on? Should we all sit here telling ourselves that we were not good enough and that we suck as individuals because they chose to be with someone else? That's ludicrous. I totally took what you posted the wrong way, I have just noticed a general trend of many people to claim this and that about someone else mental flaws and diagnosing people with this or that disorder, that's all. I was by no way implying that people should sulk and blame just themselves, but saying someone left you because they're flawed and screwed up themselves isn't positive at all. Of course there are people out there who really aren't capable of having a truly healthy relationship, of course there are some really bad things that people do to other people...but focusing on how they're way too terrible or flawed to know how to be in a relationship for too long isn't healthy. Wondering why someone did this to us isn't as positive as accepting that it happened and truly moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 That's because you desire something you often rely on others to provide you. Closure. This is not necessary. Closure is what you make of it. If you continue to desire for some kind of closure provided by the dumper you'll only delay your healing. Make your own closure by letting go of them. You're not meant to be with everyone that you date, nor are you meant to wallow in your own crapulence either when it fails. The sooner you let go of them, the sooner someone BETTER can walk into your life... I totally agree with this. You will never get the closure you need from your ex. Every question they could answer will just bring about more questions. It is what is is. It also doesn't help to talk badly about the new person as this just keeps you bitter. Afterall, they didn't hold a gun to your ex's head to make them be with them. The only way to heal is to forgive, be rational and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ilovecake Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 I absolutely do not believe in the concept of closure. Closure is an excuse to keep contacting your ex because you're not ready to let go emotionally. I think when someone tells you that they do not want to be in a romantic relationship with you and that they don’t want to you to count on them that pretty much closes the case for me. What more do you want or need to know? The problem I see on this site over and over is that people do not take their ex’s word for it when they say they don’t want you. All the people that are suffering are trying to look for hidden meaning behind the breakup, but usually there is no hidden meaning. It’s not a head game, these people are telling us how they feel and there is no need to keep doors open in case they change their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
romer Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 What I meant by "closure" is trying to figure out what went wrong, and try to learn from it...when someone tells you they love you and the next week they dump you, it leaves you with alot of unanswered questions and low self esteem. You blame yourself, or at least I do. Link to post Share on other sites
bluz73 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 What I meant by "closure" is trying to figure out what went wrong, and try to learn from it...when someone tells you they love you and the next week they dump you, it leaves you with alot of unanswered questions and low self esteem. You blame yourself, or at least I do. Romer same thing happened to me one day he is making passionate love to me telling me im beautiful and he loved me the next day all cold and heartless and left me so sad and confused. I guess some people like to lead others on and get one last sex session for old times sake not realizing that the other person is gonna be crushed to know that was the last time Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ilovecake Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 What I meant by "closure" is trying to figure out what went wrong, and try to learn from it...when someone tells you they love you and the next week they dump you, it leaves you with alot of unanswered questions and low self esteem. You blame yourself, or at least I do. I know and that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can try and figure out what went wrong and you can try to learn from it, but it’s impossible because you're dealing with feelings and emotions of two people with two different personalities. You learn from the relationship not from the breakup. The other person is probably in the same boat as you and doesn't have the answers. They’re looking at the situation from their point and you’re looking at it from your point. They would have to have the same exact perspective as you to answer your questions, so really they could never possibly give you this closure you’re looking for, it can only come from within. I know it's shocking and confusing to hear that a person doesn't want to be with you especially since they were all lovey dovey just a few days before but nobody comes to the conclusion to break up in a split second (unless something horrible happened). believe me we've all been in the same exact situation. Even though they might have been the one to dump you they probably also have a lot of mixed feelings and questions post breakup. Anything you have to learn from the relationship will come from self evaluation. The only way you can reach closure is by moving on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
lisal0u Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Yesterday i got told by my ex of 14 years, split 2 months ago, that hes now seeing his friend from work! Not a surprise at all! Had an issue with their friendship for quite a while but he's always been adament thats all it was and it was nothing to do with the split! He told me today that he still isnt over us but wants to see where this goes, hahaha idiot! I explained I may move away and he got mad about that! Why would he be angry, I thought he'd be pleased I was out of the way! I dont want to see them shacking up together but Im hoping as they live 5 hours apart he'll move away eventually, or itll fizzle out! Either way I dont want my nose rubbing in it! I just dont know how after 14 years he can already be sleeping with someone else, I couldnt even think about doing anything like that right now! Link to post Share on other sites
romer Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 For me it's been almost like a death...one day he was in my life and next day he wasn't, has not contacted me, it's like nothing ever happened. We went through so much in the time we were together. I am just still in shock. I guess I should be grateful that he has not contacted me, so that I can heal. It just plain SUCKS that he can trample all over my feelings, leave me in the dust, and take off with someone else...it makes me so damn angry that he could just do that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 yep dumped like a month ago, i see my ex facebook yesterday and shes back with her baby daddy when we broke up because she wanted to be "single" typical Link to post Share on other sites
cp3_panda Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 Same.. except in our 4 year relationship.. she lied to me about 6 months about this guy just being her friend. I trusted her. The day we broke up.. we took a 2 week break and because we had planned a trip beforehand and bought the airplane ticket, we were going to norcal together. It was then that I found out "the little things" that they did together in the last two weeks from her mouth. I was destroyed. But after it was all over, I found out the real truth. That her feelings didn't just spawn after we broke up.. that she probably ****ed him a few dozen times before. Her reason for breaking up: I just dont have feelings for you anymore. The REAL reason we broke up: This new guy is just more exciting. It is just hard to look back on a 4 year relationship and see how someone you thought u knew inside and out decided to lie to you and pretend like everything was ok only to drop a bomb on you later on. And to this day (a month later), she has yet to explain and come clean about it. How that does not weigh on her guilt.. I do not know. Nor do I really care. After I found out about all this, the thing I was happiest about was the fact that I was using condoms all this time. Who knows what kind of **** she has contracted from the other guy. Even though logically I am completely over her. Even emotionally, I would not take her back. I still wonder whether or not it was my fault; and if it could possibly work out a LONG time into the future. Who knows. D:< Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 I swear it never fails. Whenever you hear "I need space", "I need to find myself", "I think we should take a break", "It's not you, it's me", it always in the end means "I've found someone else I want". Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 yep dumped like a month ago, i see my ex facebook yesterday and shes back with her baby daddy when we broke up because she wanted to be "single" typical How'd you know this, and more importantly, why is she still on your fb??? I have no clue what my recent is doing. She could have jumped into something else right away. Knowing does me no good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ilovecake Posted April 21, 2010 Author Share Posted April 21, 2010 I have no clue what my recent is doing. She could have jumped into something else right away. Knowing does me no good. That's great for you but you have to understand some people on here live in tiny towns where everyone's business is known or they know the same people as their ex. Sometimes even if you don't want to know you find things out inadvertently. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 That's great for you but you have to understand some people on here live in tiny towns where everyone's business is known or they know the same people as their ex. Sometimes even if you don't want to know you find things out inadvertently. Right, and that is usually unavoidable. The problem is that many people who don't have the problems of being in a small town, still can't quench their curiosity about their ex, and as they say, it killed the cat. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 I swear it never fails. Whenever you hear "I need space", "I need to find myself", "I think we should take a break", "It's not you, it's me", it always in the end means "I've found someone else I want". Pretty much. It's their way of letting one down "softly" and having them on the back burner in case the new person doesn't work out. I'm nobodies stand-by guy. If I am not the priority in your life you shouldn't be one in mine either... Link to post Share on other sites
romer Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 i swear it never fails. Whenever you hear "i need space", "i need to find myself", "i think we should take a break", "it's not you, it's me", it always in the end means "i've found someone else i want". ain't it the truth.... Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Everyone needs to listen to Caliguy's advice, because it is the truth! When someone wants to leave a relationship (i.e. break up with you) let them! If they need space, give it to them as it probably means the end. There's no point in hanging on. In any event, get on with your life and don't spend it hoping to reconcile because chances are its not going to happen. Each situation is different but Caliguy's Guide is the best place to start! Link to post Share on other sites
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